female only Men and Relationships

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

I've been in a relationship for almost 6 months. It's a difficult one, because even though we love each other, we have nothing in common. It's really hard to find things we can do together. I don't know what to do. It's getting old always having him tell me he doesn't like to do that, when I suggest something.

Plus he is way too clingy. He has no other friends because he moved here from CA and lives out in the country. He doesn't even come into town much. He's just not made any effort to make friends, other than women he has met through online dating.

I need help with how to tell him he is smothering me and that I feel like since he never wants to do anything I want to do, I feel like this relationship is doomed.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Oregondaisy

[deedadumble 1,033]

It doesn't sound like love to me. Dependency, settling, companionship, but not love. If you can see yourself in five years doing the same thing you are doing now what would you tell yourself?

[I will what I want 271]

I'm not gonna bore you with a long tale of woe. Just this: run!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Email?

Phone call?

Text?

In a coffee shop?

Cancel your next date?

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

There's no way I could not do it in person. We've been living together for 6 months. Well, he stays at my house 3 days and I stay at his house 3 days.

I'm going to start by telling him I don't want to spend every single day together and that he's smothering me. That will go over like a lead balloon,

[Miss Mac 6,261]

1. Why would you love someone who treats you that way?

2. Why are you still there?

3. Watch the movie "Mother May I sleep With Danger" (with Tori Spelling)

4. Watch the movie "sleeping with the Enemy" (with Julia Roberts)

5. Read "Controlling People" (by Patricia Evans) and anything else by Patricia Evans

You can order used books from Amazon, most at crazy reduced prices that come from Goodwill or are discards from libraries. I recently bought a book for one cent plus the standard $3.99 postage.

I left a psycho-s**t head who was so controlling that I could not even take a local university course because he felt that he would have to sit out in the car and wait on me. Sounds like your fella wants you exclusively, but he doesn't want to be exclusive. Consider what's in it for you, and what's in it for him. I betcha the data falls strongly in his favor. Also, read anything on the cycle of abuse. Even if he is not hitting you, emotional abuse is still abuse. He is using you to meet his needs, but he is not giving anything back. You have clearly described a one-sided relationship. Run away as fast as you can, and don't look back.

[Butterflyhigh 504]

I think that after six months and you think it is "doomed" then it is and you should not waste anymore of your time or his. I speak from experience. Life is short. You each have your own apartments so this is super easy (logistically speaking). It's not fair nor mature to tell him your don't want to spend the nights together anymore all the while knowing that you want to just flat out be done with this relationship. Dragging it out is just setting you both up for a lot of arguments, drama, and emotional hurt. Again, I'm speaking from experience.

Just tell him that you are both so different, you don't feel like it's a good 'fit', you respect him enough to be honest about your feelings, you want him as well as yourself to have the opportunity to meet the future husband/wife but can't as long as your together....blah blah blah..break it off gently and respectfully.

Breaking up is hard to do.

There's no way I could not do it in person. We've been living together for 6 months. Well, he stays at my house 3 days and I stay at his house 3 days.

I'm going to start by telling him I don't want to spend every single day together and that he's smothering me. That will go over like a lead balloon,

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

You know what I think. ..doesn't sound like love to me either..

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

Well it's over now. He had a little hissy fit over something, and he expected me to forgive him like I always do, and I just told him we are not compatible. It's been a miserable day with emails texts and finally talking to him on the phone explaining over and over why we are not compatible.

[woo woo 872]

Hugs to you, breaking up is never easy. Especially when you still have feelings for the person.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Behavior like his is a cycle. Things are o k for a while, then you do something to piss him off (never his fault for choosing to be pissed of for something you said or did - because nothing is ever his fault. Then when you leave or threaten to leave, he is all sorry and buys you presents or flowers and says his rotten response will never happen again. Then he wants you to prove to him that you still love him, usually in some degrading way to put you in your place. Then things are smooth again for a while as long as he gets want he wants from you.......then you go and piss him off again (in his alternate reality) and the cycle starts over.

So, do not listen to the whining and crying, and get your locks and telephone number changed. If he comes to harrass you at work or at a family or friend's house or threatens you in any way.....it is time from a restraining order. Just practicul advice just in case your situation goes there. It took me three times to get it right before I found a relationship with balance.

If you were nearby, I would come over and give you a hug. Sometimes we just get tired of being strong, and need some shoulders to lean on.

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

Behavior like his is a cycle. Things are o k for a while, then you do something to piss him off (never his fault for choosing to be pissed of for something you said or did - because nothing is ever his fault. Then when you leave or threaten to leave, he is all sorry and buys you presents or flowers and says his rotten response will never happen again. Then he wants you to prove to him that you still love him, usually in some degrading way to put you in your place. Then things are smooth again for a while as long as he gets want he wants from you.......then you go and piss him off again (in his alternate reality) and the cycle starts over.

So, do not listen to the whining and crying, and get your locks and telephone number changed. If he comes to harrass you at work or at a family or friend's house or threatens you in any way.....it is time from a restraining order. Just practicul advice just in case your situation goes there. It took me three times to get it right before I found a relationship with balance.

If you were nearby, I would come over and give you a hug. Sometimes we just get tired of being strong, and need some shoulders to lean on.

Thank you! I don't think it will come to anything like that. He's very sad. My friend who is also his friend copied and pasted part of his email to her telling her I "dumped his ass" because we had very little in common and as much as it hurt him, he knows I did the right thing. So I think he's accepting it, and knows that we can't make it work, just like I kept telling him over and over yesterday.

[scrapbasket 83]

remember that song, 50 ways to leave your lover? hop out the back jack... and count your blessings that you wised up in time. love sara

[Mayshula 40]

Miss Mac any chance u know my ex? U just described him lol. Happy to be far and away from him which is so sad to say but one of the best decisions o made in my life. What ever u do even when it's harder alway choose yourself over anyone else!

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

It's very difficult because I still have feelings for him. He is willing to do so many things to make this work. He actually took my grandson to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" just because I was supposed to take care of him, and Wes really wanted to see this movie, and I didn't.

He calls almost every day and asks if there's anything he can do for me, or if I need anything, and I said "It would be really helpful to me today if you took Wesley to see the turtle movie."

He wants us to go to couples counseling. This town has so many losers in it, I am beginning to think maybe I should try to make this relationship work.

Gosh, I can't be the only person who has problems with men.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Oregondaisy