My "Why"

[HelenaMarie83 74]

This story has a beginning, but the end is still nowhere in sight. I am the oldest of three kids. My mother is one of those breathtaking, exotic beauties that you just can't help but admire. My father was a handsome man—full of life. We were adorable children—happy and content. I looked like my Dad, but was starting to look like Mom every day. The happiness didn't last. When Dad left, depression took over and I had no one to talk to besides my siblings, who were too young to confide in. That's when my brother and sister and I discovered how comforting food was.

Through the years my body grew out as well as up, and I noticed something. My brother and sister where growing up to be beautiful, slender people, and I got fat. Really fat. To this day I still don't understand how genetics can bless two siblings and curse the other, but that is my lot in life. I hated my body and as the years extended into adolescence and adulthood, the hatred toward my excess fat turned into self-loathing, which led to more weight gain and more fat, more tears, and more heartbreak. I couldn't stand the person I had become, but through years of dieting and killing myself trying to do extreme workouts and diets, I decided to just accept the perceived fact that I would always be fat, sad, and alone.

It seemed the only person who truly understood my heartache was my cousin, sister, and EC (Eternal Companion,) MexicanGirl. She was going through the same thing. We loved each other, supported each other, confided in each other, and yes, ate together and got fatter together. Then it came. The worst day of my life.The day Dad died, my heart failed. The wind was taken out of my lungs and with it, my will to live. I sunk into the deepest, blackest despair. I cried every night and prayed to God that he would take me home to be with my Dad before I woke up in the morning. If it weren't for MexicanGirl, I don't think I would be alive right now writing this. When I woke up, I was bursting out of all of my clothes and I didn't recognize myself in pictures.

I thought back to when I lost Dad. More than anything, I want to be a wife and a mother. I didn't see myself getting there, and even if that miracle did happen, I couldn't bear the thought of my own daughter holding my hand as I die too young and not having the heart to let go until rigor mortis set in and she has to pry her hand out of mine like I did with Dad. I knew I needed to break the cycle. I knew that if I kept going down this path, I would become a diabetic like Dad and die too early. I had to stop it. I researched more diets and exercise programs. Nothing felt right. I knew I would fail them all. Then one day at church, I heard this new girl in the pew in front of me talking to my other cousin about her upcoming marriage. I didn't know here, but I felt very strongly that I needed to introduce myself and offer to design her wedding invitations. Her name is Katie, and we quickly became friends.

She told me that she was getting weight loss surgery in a few days. I was intrigued. I stewed over this new thought for a while—even did a little research and dreamed about someday being able to afford something like that. I was impressed with how quickly she was losing weight. One night, MexicanGirl and I were at Walmart and Katie called wanting to hang out. She came to Walmart. They where introduced and we stood right there in the plus-size clothing section talking about her experiences with the Gastric Sleeve. I felt something. I didn't know what, but now I know it was a glimmer of hope. I thought about it over and over. I was a woman obsesed.

Finally I turned to my EC about my feelings and to my pleasant surprise, she felt the same way. We decided we were going to take serious measures to research the sleeve to see if it was right for us. We spent hours reading and watching other people's stories on YouTube. We invited Katie out for Breakfast. She brought us her Kaiser Bariatric Surgery program binder and ansered all our questions. That day, we knew. We had to do this! MexicanGirl called her doctor that day and scheduled her intro class.

I was still waiting to get approved for medical insurance, but I went with her to her intro class. She was referred into the Kaiser South Sacramento Bariatric program and we went to her orientation together. We decided not to undergo the sleeve and opted for the RNY Gastric Bypass instead. Shortly after I was able to get into Kaiser and on March 26th, 2014, We met our Surgeons! MexicanGirl got Dr. Neuhouse and I got Dr. Grinberg.

At my orientation, I clocked in at my highest weight ever, 287! I lost 5 pounds right away which gave me a start weight of 283. Dr. Grinberg congratulated me on my loss and told me I needed to lose 15 more pounds and get down to 268 before I could schedule a surgery date. We were given a 1200 calorie diet to follow and that day we went to Ihop for a meal of pancakes and got started.

The first ten pounds came off pretty easily. We ate right, we walked, we did Turbo Jam, we attempted yoga (owie!) and tried Zumba. I moved in with MexicanGirl so we could support each other, as neither of our families understood our struggles. MexicanGirl's weight melted right off and before we knew it, she was below her pre-op goal weight. The last five pounds were murder for me. It was going so slow! One day, I gained .8 pounds on the doctor scale. I was so upset! I cried and felt like a failure, but MexicanGirl gave me the kick in the pants I needed. I called my nutritionist who told me that I was doing e everything right and to stop kicking myself over less than a pound. Two days later I was 267! As MexicanGirl was already below her goal weight, we were both able to get our surgery dates. One June 16th, 2014, we are BOTH getting the Gastric Bypass surgeries that we so desperately need!

For the first time in my life, my future looks bright. I am looking forward to getting healthy. I want to run, jump, and dance. I want to go on hikes without feeling like I'm going to drop dead. I am going to meet my future husband and my body won't make me feel unworthy of him. I will have children, and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. When i am old, and wise, I will greet death like and old friend, because it will be my time. My children will not bury me prematurely. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for making this available to us. I know my Daddy is looking down and me and is rooting me on! June 16th, here I come!

[patticake1448 78]

Im so sorry for all you have been thru, Helena! Thanks for taking the time to share you're story. Sounds like you're a strong lady who is up for this challenge. Good luck and God bless!