Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Boyfriend is post-op gastric bypass. If he doesn't change his ways, I can't be with him



Recommended Posts

He had gastric bypass long before I knew him. He went down to a healthy weight and then gained a lot back. Now his BMI is around 35. We've been dating about 8 months, and it's getting pretty serious. We've talked about marriage. The problem is that he still eats garbage (just a smaller portion)and doesn't exercise. He complains that he feels sick all the time. I don't know how to tell him this, but if he doesn't change, I'm gone.

My problem isn't the BMI of 35, it's the disregard for his own health. My BMI is 21, I enjoy exercising and keeping fit. He doesn't enjoy doing any of the active things that I do, and it's really bothering me. It's no fun doing all of those things alone. And, I don't think I can start a family with someone who doesn't share my same beliefs about nutrition/exercise, and who can't keep up with children. I also don't want to bury my husband before he's 50.

I want him to change, but I don't know if or how I should bring it up. I've hinted at it before, and he's told me that the doctor said he's not supposed to eat healthy or exercise because he'll lose weight too fast. I don't believe that and it frustrates me even more that he would make excuses.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you have some serious concerns about the relationship that may or may not be related to weight. There is a forum for friends and family where you might be able to get some specific answers. It's located at http://www.bariatricpal.com/forum/1016-family-and-friends-new/

It's a very awkward role to be in when you love someone so much you want to see them healthy but they don't seem to be as interested in it as you are. And, you sound pretty intelligent and I think you know that no bariatric surgeon is going to tell a WLS surgery patient not to eat healthy or exercise. That's like a pulmonologist telling someone to keep smoking. Well, DUH!

Best wishes and I hope you get the answers you need.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will share my own personal experience. My husband and I were married 13 years when I lost him in December 2013 at the age of 48. He refused to take care of himself, despite all I tried and what the doctors told him. He had a multitude of health issues. You cannot change them no matter what or how hard you try!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HI I WOULD CHECK OUT THE ABOVE WEBSITE AND I WOULD FLATLY SIT HIM DOWN AND TELL HIM , EITHER HE MAKES CHANGES OT BE HEALTHY AND YOUR REASON WHY OR YOUR OUT, THIS IS A CHOICE TO BE HEALTHY AND ALL DOCTOR WANT YOU TO EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE HE IS JUST MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BAD HABITS HE IS SICK BECAUSE OF HIS EATNG CHOICES, GOOD LUCK . I WOULD NOT MARRY ANYONE WHO DIDNT SHARE MY GOALS ESPECIALLY HAVE CHILDREN WITH THEM.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi,

I think you answered your own question and sometimes putting it in writing helps. We all know that you cannot change anyone. No one could change us, until we decided for ourselves. Someplace along the way, he wanted to change but something happened. Maybe he got scared but you cannot change another human being, no matter how much you love them. Remember: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

Good luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi!

Please do not get me wrong but I find it strange that you are talking possible marriage but you do not know how to bring up the issue of his unhealthy lifestyle being a problem with you? In relationships you have to be open and honest and respectful. Just tell him everything that you wrote on this forum, and find out what he thinks. Perhaps give him some time to change and if he does not then you will know what to do. But you have to be honest with him about your concerns.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't seem to me this is a relationship built in trust, love, open communication, etc. Just with what you stated in this post there are issues that need to be addressed. Just as it has been said before-you can not change people! Your wishes for him are not his. He has to have the same dreams for himself. If he does not then it isn't meant to be. I am so sorry!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

    • CaseyP1011

      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • KimBaxleyWilson

      Three months and four days ago... I was in Costa Rica having a life changing surgery! Yesterday we had a followup visit with Dr. Esmeral via video chat and this morning my middle number changed.  I'm down 47lbs and two pants sizes. I can wear a Large tshirt for the first time in like... 14 years! Woot!! Everything is going great. I have zero regrets. I went down to the riverwalk with a friend and walked 2 miles on Monday without even getting fatigued. And no more snoring or chugging pickle juice for crazy leg cramps! I need to go to the gym more... I'm making new shirts next week so that will motivate me. LOL But I'm also just not as TIRED all the time! I have a LONG way to go...but seeing the progress on the scales and in the mirror is a huge motivator!! Thank you all for cheering me on and supporting me!!
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • bellaamey

      https://alluniqueguide.com/java-burn-coffee-reviews/
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×