To date, I've lost 91 pounds. At a smidge under 5'3", I've gone from a tight size 20 to a comfy size 12 pants, from a 2x (42DDD) top to a L (36D). I weighed 263.4 at my highest, I am 172.2 as of this morning. I still have 23.2 pounds to go to my personal goal but that's a number I just picked out of my ass, with absolutely no idea what that's going to look like or where I really want to end up.

I'm just realizing what a delusional fat person I was before. I could look at myself in my bathroom mirror thinking I looked good. I had my "skinny" days quite often where I went out with my head held high thinking no one could possibly see how morbidly obese I was. At the same time, I always tucked myself in the back of pictures if I wasn't offering to take them. As one of the shorter people, that was no easy task as everyone tried to shove me up front. (As if they could move THIS mountain! HA!) The result from this is that I have very few pictures to compare my current body size to.

Now, my head is telling me that I am "normal" sized. I am no longer the largest size in the store. I am no longer the largest person in the room anywhere I go. When I go shopping with friends who I've always considered average in stature, I am in their size or one smaller. I can pick up clothes and think that there is no fuckeding way that my assed will fit in that and it does. I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that I am fit. I am no longer afraid of a fitness class. I am no longer afraid of a day of hiking in the apple orchards. I am no longer afraid of a marathon day in hot weather at the park with the kids and the dog. I can easily jog in place for 45 minutes while I teach a kickboxing class joining in seamlessly whenever I care to without losing my breath. I am willing to try new exercises not caring what I look like and no longer making the excuse that I am uncoordinated so I can't possible try. All that said...

I CAN'T SEE IT. I JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!! I am in constant doubt that I really am normal sized. I am in constant doubt that I am not still the big girl. I look at pictures of myself and while I know in my head I look better, all I can actually see is my fat thighs and the roll that's still apparent around my belly. I used to be able to pick up an article of clothing and know if it would fit and now I am terrified of being disappointed because it's too small because I am so unaware of my body size.I am constantly trying to compare myself to everyone around me, not because I want to tear them down and make myself feel better but because I want to see what everyone else sees. I am dying to ask everyone around me what size they wear, how much they weigh, if I can take a picture next to them so I can compare. I restrain myself, but it's hard. It's really really hard. You know how when you hear yourself on a recording, it's bizarre because that's not what you sound like in your head? You know how you can't hear your own accent? That's how I feel about my appearance. I can't see it.

I am not fishing for compliments. I am not asking for reassurance because intellectually I know I am getting there. I just want to know when my self awareness will catch up with my actual being.

ARGH!!!!! HELP ME!

I went to a ceremony in a new dress two days ago. I had my hair done (badly, which wasn't helped by the rain) and despite feeling awful inside, everyone said I looked 'beautiful'.

I was told by my much younger peers 'You win best dress and best cleavage of the day'

I saw the photos today. I was in tears. I looked bloody awful and couldn't reconcile the changes in my body weight, with the look of my body and the look of my face. I looked awful and I knew it.

Should have been elated I'm now in a size 16 (US 12/14). What I saw looking back at me in the photos was a worn, puffy-eyed and bloated-stomached mess.

I spent the youth of my life being grossly overweight and I feel like I've missed my 'best' days.

How's that for some serious dysmorphia? I share your pain, Lady x

I went to a ceremony in a new dress two days ago. I had my hair done (badly, which wasn't helped by the rain) and despite feeling awful inside, everyone said I looked 'beautiful'.

I was told by my much younger peers 'You win best dress and best cleavage of the day'

I saw the photos today. I was in tears. I looked bloody awful and couldn't reconcile the changes in my body weight, with the look of my body and the look of my face. I looked awful and I knew it.

Should have been elated I'm now in a size 16 (US 12/14). What I saw looking back at me in the photos was a worn, puffy-eyed and bloated-stomached mess.

I spent the youth of my life being grossly overweight and I feel like I've missed my 'best' days.

How's that for some serious dysmorphia? I share your pain, Lady x

Not cool ;(

I'm just a week post-op. I was always small (4,6,8). It's been in the last 15 years that I have gained weight. I'm 5'3". Highest weight 263, I think. I never really think of myself as being fat until I'm hit in the face with it. Huffing and puffing, tying shoes, people looking at me and most of all when I see a photo of myself. I literally have a hard time believing that photo is of me. Very strange and sad. Congrats on your weight loss.

WOW & thank you LL for posting this! This has truly been a trippy experience for me, my brain has yet to catch up with my body. I have lost 67lbs & can't really see it even when I put on smaller clothes!? It's like I'm looking in a Funhouse mirror & all I see is my big self!

Thank you everyone for sharing, this has been an eye opener for me!

I went to a ceremony in a new dress two days ago. I had my hair done (badly, which wasn't helped by the rain) and despite feeling awful inside, everyone said I looked 'beautiful'.

I was told by my much younger peers 'You win best dress and best cleavage of the day'

I saw the photos today. I was in tears. I looked bloody awful and couldn't reconcile the changes in my body weight, with the look of my body and the look of my face. I looked awful and I knew it.

Should have been elated I'm now in a size 16 (US 12/14). What I saw looking back at me in the photos was a worn, puffy-eyed and bloated-stomached mess.

I spent the youth of my life being grossly overweight and I feel like I've missed my 'best' days.

How's that for some serious dysmorphia? I share your pain, Lady x

Darling dear, our lives and weight loss may be complicated by (in my case at least) ages,

I I still have a lotta life in me.

So do you.

And thinner will help.

What do do with our freakin fat brains is another freakin matter. Pleople say "man you look good", rather than say thanks, I often say, well, I see myself naked...

I am in the same boat with you. I am smaller than i was in 7th grade! and only now am I beginning to see myself as small. I find it easier to see it in a picture of myself dressed in clothes that i would not have normally worn ( case in point- halloween costume) So there was no old 'tape' for the brain to put in the place of reality. this is now the fight of our lives.

I have on advantage in that i see patients all day long and when i get a man about my height I look at his weight and then reset my brain by noting that i am either bigger or smaller than the person in front of me. almost always smaller these days. my brain responds by "no f--- way!" but i keep trying.

Lipstick, I could have written that. At my heaviest, there were days I saw myself as looking pretty good, and deluded myself into thinking others would see that I looked good with makeup/hair/clothes rather than my huge obese body. When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself 20 years younger and about 80 pounds lighter. I wore a 26 pants and 2X top. Now, I'm in a size 12 pants and M top, and while I don't see myself as big as I was before, I do see myself as fat.I think I still see myself as about 50 pounds heavier than I am....but not 20 years younger anymore, lol. I guess the truth is, I am still fat! My BMI puts me just barely in the overweight category. Others tell me I look like a "normal mom" and logically I know that's true, but I still don't have a good sense of my size. My clothes all look too small on the hanger, yet they fit. Sometimes when I put on those small clothes, I feel thin. Strange phenomenon, like I'm talking out both sides of my mouth!

Yeah, some days I look in the mirror and see a fattie. And that's after over a year and a half at my goal weight, which puts me at a 21.8 BMI.

I found it helpful to look at myself in a three way mirror, or in multiple reflections so I'm not staring at myself head on. I had to learn to walk more erect, (my weight had kinda hunched me), walk and sit with my thighs closer together and my arms closer to my side. Also, to realize I could fit down an aisle even if someone ekes was in it. I'm in a small top and size 6 pants. They still look too small to me.

Lynda

Linda, I noticed the same thing. I am having to consciously walk differently. I find myself hunched over, and also walking like a man with my legs apart! The building I work in has floor to ceiling windows, and I can always see my reflection, so I get lots of practice walking more ladylike. It's shocking the way obesity alters our brains and bodies. I'm also surprised at the small places I can fit in, like behind chairs, in occupied aisles, small spaces in restaurants, in the chair with dog sitting NEXT to me instead of ON me. I recognize it and enjoy every time it happens, but it just seems like a dream

Lipstick, I could have written that. At my heaviest, there were days I saw myself as looking pretty good, and deluded myself into thinking others would see that I looked good with makeup/hair/clothes rather than my huge obese body. When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself 20 years younger and about 80 pounds lighter. I wore a 26 pants and 2X top. Now, I'm in a size 12 pants and M top, and while I don't see myself as big as I was before, I do see myself as fat.I think I still see myself as about 50 pounds heavier than I am....but not 20 years younger anymore, lol. I guess the truth is, I am still fat! My BMI puts me just barely in the overweight category. Others tell me I look like a "normal mom" and logically I know that's true, but I still don't have a good sense of my size. My clothes all look too small on the hanger, yet they fit. Sometimes when I put on those small clothes, I feel thin. Strange phenomenon, like I'm talking out both sides of my mouth!

YES. YEYESYES.

Madam Rev.

If I could hug you, I would. xxxooo

this is called body dysmorphic disorder. if you find a therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders, you can get some help for it. losing weight isnt going to make it go away. you need professional help. ***hugs***

I went to a ceremony in a new dress two days ago. I had my hair done (badly, which wasn't helped by the rain) and despite feeling awful inside, everyone said I looked 'beautiful'.

I was told by my much younger peers 'You win best dress and best cleavage of the day'

I saw the photos today. I was in tears. I looked bloody awful and couldn't reconcile the changes in my body weight, with the look of my body and the look of my face. I looked awful and I knew it.

Should have been elated I'm now in a size 16 (US 12/14). What I saw looking back at me in the photos was a worn, puffy-eyed and bloated-stomached mess.

I spent the youth of my life being grossly overweight and I feel like I've missed my 'best' days.

How's that for some serious dysmorphia? I share your pain, Lady x

Darling dear, our lives and weight loss may be complicated by (in my case at least) ages,

I I still have a lotta life in me.

So do you.

And thinner will help.

What do do with our freakin fat brains is another freakin matter. Pleople say "man you look good", rather than say thanks, I often say, well, I see myself naked...

Okay, sounds like we all need to learn a very important lesson here. When someone says something nice to us, we need to learn what to say in response. It takes almost no preparation, no explanation…and it works better than any half-assed thing we can pull out of our fat brains.

It is...

Wait for it…..

"Thank you."

And then you stop talking. No excuses, no "Oh no I don't," no "But I'm not where I should be."

Just "Thank you."

(I've had to learn this from being a singer. Something almost always goes just a little bit wrong, in my opinion anyway. People don't notice and generally don't care. The best defense is NO defense and no defensiveness.)

Figured out what my url pasting problem is - browser issue

I love this site - helps to see the variety of shapes and sizes.

http://www.mybodygallery.com/

And I enjoy some of these types of threads from MFP - I too am 5'3" and have about 25 lbs to goal - some good stuff here - and realistically how long it takes folks who have 30 to lose - to lose it - most seem to be in the range of 5-7 months or so.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/725214-5-4-ladies-out-there-share-you-pics-please

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/803155-5-3-5-5-females-can-you-show-me-your-transformation

wow - that is nuts... lol

There is a fantastic web site that is helping me understand just how normal i am myself these days ( link below ) :-) I'm 17 lbs from my goal i also sort of pulled out of my head? I have surpassed my doctors goal for me by almost 10 lbs now. He told me not to worship the number or the mirror, just keep being healthy. I am still going to try for my goal, 135 is right in the sweet spot for BMI for my height but I am very happy with where i am and how things have been going. Seeing the images on this webpage have also helped get my fat girl brain in sync with the amazing changes that have occurred during this weight loss. She is still there, telling me the same thing when i pull jeans out of the drier or go shopping, but i am working with her. Lovingly as i can :-)

They did a great job of categorizing all the different types of bodies and ages etc... to help put some of the differences in perspective. I am shocked to see all the small girls in my age, weight and body type category lol... Maybe this will help you some? :-)

http://www.mybodygallery.com/

I should be brave enough to post there also, but not quite there :-)