To date, I've lost 91 pounds. At a smidge under 5'3", I've gone from a tight size 20 to a comfy size 12 pants, from a 2x (42DDD) top to a L (36D). I weighed 263.4 at my highest, I am 172.2 as of this morning. I still have 23.2 pounds to go to my personal goal but that's a number I just picked out of my ass, with absolutely no idea what that's going to look like or where I really want to end up.

I'm just realizing what a delusional fat person I was before. I could look at myself in my bathroom mirror thinking I looked good. I had my "skinny" days quite often where I went out with my head held high thinking no one could possibly see how morbidly obese I was. At the same time, I always tucked myself in the back of pictures if I wasn't offering to take them. As one of the shorter people, that was no easy task as everyone tried to shove me up front. (As if they could move THIS mountain! HA!) The result from this is that I have very few pictures to compare my current body size to.

Now, my head is telling me that I am "normal" sized. I am no longer the largest size in the store. I am no longer the largest person in the room anywhere I go. When I go shopping with friends who I've always considered average in stature, I am in their size or one smaller. I can pick up clothes and think that there is no fuckeding way that my assed will fit in that and it does. I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that I am fit. I am no longer afraid of a fitness class. I am no longer afraid of a day of hiking in the apple orchards. I am no longer afraid of a marathon day in hot weather at the park with the kids and the dog. I can easily jog in place for 45 minutes while I teach a kickboxing class joining in seamlessly whenever I care to without losing my breath. I am willing to try new exercises not caring what I look like and no longer making the excuse that I am uncoordinated so I can't possible try. All that said...

I CAN'T SEE IT. I JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!! I am in constant doubt that I really am normal sized. I am in constant doubt that I am not still the big girl. I look at pictures of myself and while I know in my head I look better, all I can actually see is my fat thighs and the roll that's still apparent around my belly. I used to be able to pick up an article of clothing and know if it would fit and now I am terrified of being disappointed because it's too small because I am so unaware of my body size.I am constantly trying to compare myself to everyone around me, not because I want to tear them down and make myself feel better but because I want to see what everyone else sees. I am dying to ask everyone around me what size they wear, how much they weigh, if I can take a picture next to them so I can compare. I restrain myself, but it's hard. It's really really hard. You know how when you hear yourself on a recording, it's bizarre because that's not what you sound like in your head? You know how you can't hear your own accent? That's how I feel about my appearance. I can't see it.

I am not fishing for compliments. I am not asking for reassurance because intellectually I know I am getting there. I just want to know when my self awareness will catch up with my actual being.

ARGH!!!!! HELP ME!

It's funny(funny strange, not funny ha ha). When people compliment my weight loss progress to date I always respond "thanx, but I still have so far to go."

That is the best body gallery I have seen!

It's funny(funny strange, not funny ha ha). When people compliment my weight loss progress to date I always respond "thanx, but I still have so far to go."

Ugh! Me tooooooooo! After, I am so disgusted with myself for saying so.

Don't they have one of those for men?

Don't they have one of those for men?

http://mybodygalleryformen.com/

Don't they have one of those for men?

http://mybodygalleryformen.com/

LOL....I'd like to say thanks but I put in my height and weight and no results found. WTF?

Don't they have one of those for men?

http://mybodygalleryformen.com/

LOL....I'd like to say thanks but I put in my height and weight and no results found. WTF?

So go on and put yourself in there. Seems if maybe men aren't as obsessed as we women are with this type of thing? Or maybe they just aren't as educated on the whole selfie thing?

Oh and for the women's one I had to put 10lbs LESS than what I weigh because when I put what I weigh in there, it gives me mostly women that are +10lbs MORE than what I weigh.

Maybe try that...

Seela, I am very much the same as you. I haven't always been big so when I look in the mirror I still see me at 130 pounds. It isn't till I see photographs that I see the enormity of my 260 pounds. It is so easy to be in denial but it's not a healthy frame of mind. We have to face what we really look like and how we really feel and use that as our motivators. I can't wait for my sleeve date but sometimes I wish our surgeons were providing more extensive mental health care for us because I know its not just my appetite. It's my head that needs help.

mybodygallery was discouraging for me, because when I typed in my numbers people who absolutely look nothing like me popped up, we're talking washboard stomachs, matchstick arms. And the opposite too, women who looked close to me, but who claimed they were in like a size 8.

mybodygallery was discouraging for me, because when I typed in my numbers people who absolutely look nothing like me popped up, we're talking washboard stomachs, matchstick arms. And the opposite too, women who looked close to me, but who claimed they were in like a size 8.

globe, I def found ladies with different sizes than me... like you say, flat stomachs but others that looked quite a bit like I think i look, it goes to show the variety of ways that women can wear a height and weight! Lots of them wore a smaller size than me too....I think at some point I will post a pic, to join the variety!... without a head of course... ;P

Edited December 4, 201312 yr by feedyoureye

I don't like those galleries. I've looked before but it stresses me out comparing myself to another. In my mind, I'm the one who will always be lacking...

I can't find anyone who really looks like me either. So much regret when I see those smooth rounded tummies and then look at my hanging lumpy monstrosity. Why couldn't i realize I didn't look so bad on the way up?

I bought some size 12 tops today. Two of them fit now and two are still a bit snug. I also had to buy new bras. Let me see if I can convert the sizes to the American ones. 14D is 36D down from 20DD is 42DD. But don't look inside the cup for gods sake because it looks like a big dehydrated peach in each cup. But I guess what I mean is I have definitely changed size and shape but it is so hard to see it. I still feel the same shape.

I can't find anyone who really looks like me either. So much regret when I see those smooth rounded tummies and then look at my hanging lumpy monstrosity. Why couldn't i realize I didn't look so bad on the way up? I bought some size 12 tops today. Two of them fit now and two are still a bit snug. I also had to buy new bras. Let me see if I can convert the sizes to the American ones. 14D is 36D down from 20DD is 42DD. But don't look inside the cup for gods sake because it looks like a big dehydrated peach in each cup. But I guess what I mean is I have definitely changed size and shape but it is so hard to see it. I still feel the same shape.

Ha! Dehydrated peach! How true. I had melons and now shriveled peaches too! I don't really care, though. All those gripes about gaping blouses and buttons in happy with no gaps now! Lol

I snorted over the peach comment, so true, although at least a peach is roundish, I've got shriveled gourds and my gut ... bloodhound jowels! D: