To date, I've lost 91 pounds. At a smidge under 5'3", I've gone from a tight size 20 to a comfy size 12 pants, from a 2x (42DDD) top to a L (36D). I weighed 263.4 at my highest, I am 172.2 as of this morning. I still have 23.2 pounds to go to my personal goal but that's a number I just picked out of my ass, with absolutely no idea what that's going to look like or where I really want to end up.

I'm just realizing what a delusional fat person I was before. I could look at myself in my bathroom mirror thinking I looked good. I had my "skinny" days quite often where I went out with my head held high thinking no one could possibly see how morbidly obese I was. At the same time, I always tucked myself in the back of pictures if I wasn't offering to take them. As one of the shorter people, that was no easy task as everyone tried to shove me up front. (As if they could move THIS mountain! HA!) The result from this is that I have very few pictures to compare my current body size to.

Now, my head is telling me that I am "normal" sized. I am no longer the largest size in the store. I am no longer the largest person in the room anywhere I go. When I go shopping with friends who I've always considered average in stature, I am in their size or one smaller. I can pick up clothes and think that there is no fuckeding way that my assed will fit in that and it does. I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that I am fit. I am no longer afraid of a fitness class. I am no longer afraid of a day of hiking in the apple orchards. I am no longer afraid of a marathon day in hot weather at the park with the kids and the dog. I can easily jog in place for 45 minutes while I teach a kickboxing class joining in seamlessly whenever I care to without losing my breath. I am willing to try new exercises not caring what I look like and no longer making the excuse that I am uncoordinated so I can't possible try. All that said...

I CAN'T SEE IT. I JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!! I am in constant doubt that I really am normal sized. I am in constant doubt that I am not still the big girl. I look at pictures of myself and while I know in my head I look better, all I can actually see is my fat thighs and the roll that's still apparent around my belly. I used to be able to pick up an article of clothing and know if it would fit and now I am terrified of being disappointed because it's too small because I am so unaware of my body size.I am constantly trying to compare myself to everyone around me, not because I want to tear them down and make myself feel better but because I want to see what everyone else sees. I am dying to ask everyone around me what size they wear, how much they weigh, if I can take a picture next to them so I can compare. I restrain myself, but it's hard. It's really really hard. You know how when you hear yourself on a recording, it's bizarre because that's not what you sound like in your head? You know how you can't hear your own accent? That's how I feel about my appearance. I can't see it.

I am not fishing for compliments. I am not asking for reassurance because intellectually I know I am getting there. I just want to know when my self awareness will catch up with my actual being.

ARGH!!!!! HELP ME!

I am afraid my over abundance of self confidence was a huge part of why I packed on the pounds. I never saw myself as enormous as I was. I got the surgery for the "right reasons" - to be healthy - and I am so happy that I did. Now that I am HEALTHY, the egotistical part of wanting to look as fabulous as I feel and as fabulous as I've always thought I was is kicking in and just like I didn't see myself as fat, I don't see myself as where I am now either.

Will the REAL Slim Shady please stand up?

Yeah, some days I look in the mirror and see a fattie. And that's after over a year and a half at my goal weight, which puts me at a 21.8 BMI.

I found it helpful to look at myself in a three way mirror, or in multiple reflections so I'm not staring at myself head on. I had to learn to walk more erect, (my weight had kinda hunched me), walk and sit with my thighs closer together and my arms closer to my side. Also, to realize I could fit down an aisle even if someone ekes was in it. I'm in a small top and size 6 pants. They still look too small to me.

Lynda

Not helping, Lynda.

:wub:

Ok. I have to get in on this subject. I totally and completely get what you are saying. But I am at an even worse place in a way. I have lost 52lbs to date ( since my heaviest earlier this year) and I am just NOW where you started Lipstick !!! ( 5'3" - 264lbs) My weight loss is noticeable to everyone but me. The only thing I can see at this point is just how gross my neck looks. ( I am working on it, trust me) I still wear my size 26W clothes, although they hang on me. I guess part of me finds it comforting. Thing was, at 316lbs those size 26W were stretched to peak capacity. I was just too...vain(?)... to go up another size. I do have some 24W clothes that I have been wearing on occasion. They fit, in fact they are starting to get loose. But I still go back to the 26W because......I don't know why. Maybe there is a sense of comfort there although I was totally uncomfortable and miserable. It is a pretty strange and perplexing thing. And as far as seeing myself "skinny"??? That is the farthest thing from my mind and the hardest to imagine. I ONCE had a dream that I was normal size since I started the whole process of WLS. I woke up so excited for it to be a reality. I have never dreamed that again. I have been losing weight a little slower post op, so it has been even harder to see a change. I just have to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do and hope that maybe someday, I will feel like something other than the fat girl...

Ok. I have to get in on this subject. I totally and completely get what you are saying. But I am at an even worse place in a way. I have lost 52lbs to date ( since my heaviest earlier this year) and I am just NOW where you started Lipstick !!! ( 5'3" - 264lbs) My weight loss is noticeable to everyone but me. The only thing I can see at this point is just how gross my neck looks. ( I am working on it, trust me) I still wear my size 26W clothes, although they hang on me. I guess part of me finds it comforting. Thing was, at 316lbs those size 26W were stretched to peak capacity. I was just too...vain(?)... to go up another size. I do have some 24W clothes that I have been wearing on occasion. They fit, in fact they are starting to get loose. But I still go back to the 26W because......I don't know why. Maybe there is a sense of comfort there although I was totally uncomfortable and miserable. It is a pretty strange and perplexing thing. And as far as seeing myself "skinny"??? That is the farthest thing from my mind and the hardest to imagine. I ONCE had a dream that I was normal size since I started the whole process of WLS. I woke up so excited for it to be a reality. I have never dreamed that again. I have been losing weight a little slower post op, so it has been even harder to see a change. I just have to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do and hope that maybe someday, I will feel like something other than the fat girl...

I feel you

Ok. I have to get in on this subject. I totally and completely get what you are saying. But I am at an even worse place in a way. I have lost 52lbs to date ( since my heaviest earlier this year) and I am just NOW where you started Lipstick !!! ( 5'3" - 264lbs) My weight loss is noticeable to everyone but me. The only thing I can see at this point is just how gross my neck looks. ( I am working on it, trust me) I still wear my size 26W clothes, although they hang on me. I guess part of me finds it comforting. Thing was, at 316lbs those size 26W were stretched to peak capacity. I was just too...vain(?)... to go up another size. I do have some 24W clothes that I have been wearing on occasion. They fit, in fact they are starting to get loose. But I still go back to the 26W because......I don't know why. Maybe there is a sense of comfort there although I was totally uncomfortable and miserable. It is a pretty strange and perplexing thing. And as far as seeing myself "skinny"??? That is the farthest thing from my mind and the hardest to imagine. I ONCE had a dream that I was normal size since I started the whole process of WLS. I woke up so excited for it to be a reality. I have never dreamed that again. I have been losing weight a little slower post op, so it has been even harder to see a change. I just have to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do and hope that maybe someday, I will feel like something other than the fat girl...

Girl...do you live in Virginia? I would haul your ass out to the mall so fast...

You need to toss the big clothes and move into smaller things. STAT.

This is called body dysmorphia and a lot of us struggle with it. There are some therapists who specialize in it. Have you considered that route?

Nah... I am going to give myself time. It's all happened so fast! If my head doesn't catch up, I would consider, but not yet. Eventually my overinflated ego might just kick in and I'll be unbearable to be around.

Roo...look at my stats. 5'5" frame and lost 160 now.

I was wearing size 12 pants and my daughter had me try on smaller ones. I now wear 8P short depending on the style. I have to try everything on because I can't even guess what size as it varies. Just thankful I can do the things I now do....Didn't get off the bipap though which was a huge disappointment. Maybe in a year.

I'm starting to realize that I have a raging case of dysmorphia - I look at photos of me at my heaviest, 120# ago, and I genuinely think, "she's fat but not *that* fat, and not much bigger than me now". I would love to get help for it but I actually think I am still too fat to be worthy of that kind of help - how awful!

I would have recommended those sites except that they aren't really trustworthy, people lie about their weight and size. Some people here on VSG have posted another option which is to get a trusted friend, go to a public place like a mall, and have them point out someone that they think looks about the same size as you. That way, you are seeing your size through someon else's eyes.

As for what is skinny - I don't think my body type allows for it, even if I weighed 90 lbs and had no loose skin, my bone structure is wide shoulders, wide hips, genetically big boobs lol.

I still fight this to some degree (at 3+ years out) and honestly I don't think that there is an easy answer. I will spend time looking at old photos of me (rare because I was usually safely behind the camera) or pulling out old clothing to wake up my brain that is telling me I'm fat. But to some degree I don't think that it really ever goes away 100%.

Here is a clip from Shelly at the World According to Eggface, where she went on the Rikki Lake show to talk about it:

http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-ricki-lake-show-wrap-up.html

Body dismorphia is crazy...because when I was at my largest, my brain would refuse to acknowledge how big I was (which was a big reason to hide from the camera because cameras have a way of telling the truth ---mostly, photoshopping notwithstanding---) I was in the camp of refusing to buy bigger clothes and instead squeezed myself into the biggest clothes I already owned (3x and a few 4x) but now at the other end of the spectrum, I still have *those* moments when I think I'm much bigger than I really am.

For me, I also went through a regain period and I think that has messed with my brain considerably (GT, I know you feel me sista!) It is truly humbling to hit a "low" and then bounce UP. Gah! BUT here is the kicker...when I sit and compare photos of me at my lowest weight, compared to my regain (which now is about 8lbs) I literally see NO DIFFERENCE. So basically even though I'm still beating myself up over the extra lbs, realistically I cannot see them, but I know they are there.

Anyway, that got a little long...it's sad to me that Michelle (Shelly) still 7 years later cannot SEE her transformation. Wow, just wow.

Being super morbidly obese for the majority of my life - I think I will always struggle with significant body dysmorphia - my poor husband - the first year it was constantly "I'm I that size? Am I bigger or small than that person" when we were out and about.

Whereas I used to spend most of my time with my head down and eyes averted as to not encourage being called names - now I love looking at people - love being normal enough that I am no longer a target for ridicule ( ahh what we have to go through with this struggle eh?)

some sites/forums that I like to look at are these, they seem to help me see the variety of sizes, shapes, at various weights etc - I am 5'3" - 49 years old btw.

Hmmm - I don't understand why I cant paste a url here....anyone have the magic answer?

WOW!! Thank you ALL for sharing your stories! I feel so much better.

When I had lost quite a bit of weight, my husband would point at someone and say "She looks like you" "She is your size (but she has bigger boobs)" I never asked him to do it, but it was really good for me, Lots of times I would not believe him... but then, I would accept it, because I was in no shape to know what size I was! I also see pics of myself when I was fat,and I can't believe that girl was me. I feel sorry for her.... I definitely have a disconnect. I like to see myself in pics next to someone I know for comparison.