I need Help to Help my wife with her Big 0's

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Just as I was hitting the “Submit Reply” button for the last post, my phone rang. I picked it up and it was Tina uncontrollably crying. It was not a sob, it was full force balling. The first thing that came into my mind was that her mother had died or someone else had been badly injured or worse.

What happened, I found out after I calmed her down, was that Tina was talking to her older (and only) sister and the sister said, “Mommy is tired. She wants to go home.”

Tina asked what she was talking about and the sister said, “Mommy lived a good life and it is time for her to die.”

Tina could not handle that.

When I was a child, I had a very big family and there were funerals on a regular basis (normal after considering the size of the family). Tina's immediate family left England when Tina was 3 years old. She had never had a family member die when I met her. I met her within a week after my mother died. I had to be involved in the decision making about my mother's health care including when to stop. Tina was totally insulated from death. She was double insulated. All parents insulate a child from death, but all of Tina's relatives were thousands of miles away, so even her parents were insulated.

They would get a phone call or a letter saying that “so & so” had died, but when they told the 5 children, Tina, the youngest usually did not even know what or who they were talking about.

Today, it took me a while to calm her, but we wound up crying together and then she calmed down.

She can not wait to come home. She asked me what I was doing and I lied to her and said I was working on my car, because I am doing a job on the lawn that she has wanted done for years. I am putting in Marble rocks around the fencing and walks. I have been back to the supply yard over and over this past week getting by pickup fulled with a yard of rock and then shoveling it out all around my property. It is 750 feet, 18 inches wide and 2 inches deep. My back is aching. She will be so happy when she gets home and sees it.

It will take about 7 yards at $135 per yard. When they fill my truck bed up from the bulldozer, my truck drops almost a foot in the back and the tires look flat. I hope I don't break my truck or my back.

[BJean 16]

TOM: Having bum knees myself, I can't imagine how you've managed to move that amount of marble/rock. She's going to be thrilled and proud of you.

I just went back and read the first part of this thread about Tina's birthday. I am completely with Carlene on this one... if she says she doesn't want a big deal made out of her birthday, I'll bet she doesn't. Any other birthday that I've had was completely different from my 60th~!

I spent the day holed up in my office. I wouldn't answer the phone because I knew it was friends and family wanting to wish me happy birthday. I just couldn't handle it. The shock of turning 60 was almost unbearable for me. My mom died many years ago from cancer, but if she were going through all that at the same time I was turning 60, I can't imagine how I would have coped.

I wish I could come up with a sure-fire way for you to make her happy on her birthday, but I am of the opinion that you should play it down and don't say the word "Sixty" anywhere near her!

Actually TOM many of my girlfriends are also on antidepressants. There really are some chemical changes that go on - the way all of our hormones are changing in our bodies and I don't just mean sex hormones - all of them. So if Tina is really having trouble coping, get her to a doctor who will listen to her and understand what she's going through and if she needs help with an antidepressant or anti-anxiety pill, do it! It doesn't have to be a long term med, but Tina's bound to be having one of the worst times of her life and there's not a whole lot that anyone can say or do to make that any different. She (and you) just have to live through it.

She's going to be very happy with your yard project! She will enjoy it everyday.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

When she asks me how I did all that work by myself, I'll just say, "Thinking of You" and if she smiles, I'll say. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

She has called me a few nights this week and I was almost in too much pain to talk, but I would just tell her that my knees were bothering me. It wasn't really a lie; my knees, feet, thighs, calves, shoulders arms, hands and back were all aching. I just left a few things out.

Thank God for "Extra Strength Tylenol".

[anonemouse 1]

I don't know what to say, TOM. First of all, I am really hoping that everything turns out okay. Second, I think that if you do decide to tell Tina, you should wait until she is back in Florida, and not tell her over the phone. IMO, I think you should tell her that the doctors did find something when they did your MRI, but that they don't know yet whether it is serious or not. If you do tell her about it, though, make sure that you emphasize the fact that it probably not anything to really worry about. I think she deserves to know that there might be something wrong with you, but I don't think you should worry her too much at this point, when they don't even know the severity of it.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Oh, in case (any of) you are wondering how I get all the work done and still post so much; I pick out a length, treat it with "Round-Up" to stop grass from growing back through the rocks, drive the truck near the area, shovel out the amount of rock required (moving the truck gradually), rake it level and then come in for a few posts, then back out again.

[momlambert 77]

I think any of us who have been married for a fair amount of time (we just celebrated our 39th anniversary) figure out how we best work together. We do what we do and no one else needs to judge according to their own expectations, personalities, concepts, beliefs, etc. Ok, enough soap box.

Good luck on Monday, TOM. I will be anxious to hear how things go. You have probably heard many stories but I do need to tell you that my niece was diagnosed with MS as a very young mother of four. She drastically changed her diet and has stunned the doctors with a full "recovery." So there are options, for sure.

I'll be anxious to hear how things turn out for you this week. Best of luck. Karen

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Thank you Karen for those warm words and for sharing that story about your niece and hope.

And

Thank you Leatha for sharing that very personal story with me (and the forum). Not everyone is quick to talk about their meds (of that type) because of the undeserved stigma attached to the illness.

And

Thanks to everyone else who has shared their ideas and time with me.

LBT is truly a wonderful forum because of the people that post here.

[momlambert 77]

TOM, I cried when I read about Tina crying and the two of you crying together. I was banded on Monday and on Tuesday my Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. Today was the first I have cried about it--today he became incontinent and I cried for him. Before today we have been busy arranging hospice and going to dr. appts., etc. But today was the day I cried. I'm so sad that he has such a road ahead of him. He is ready, too. Has been for a long time. But it's always hard. Always. I hope and pray for him and for Tina's mother that they can have a peaceful end of this chapter and that we who are left behind can remember how they were and what they meant to us. We can honor them by living our lives in a positive way and carrying on their legacy in our own individual ways.

Tina will be thrilled with your work. I came home the other night from a very long day with my family (I'm the oldest child) and was just exhausted. Besides everything else, i'm still weak and gassy and having lots of pain and discomfort from the surgery. But, when I walked in, my DH had some nice Clear Liquids ready for me, the kitchen tidied, and the bed turned down. I have never loved him more because I knew that he did it only for me because he was worried about me and what is going on for me right now. I'm just so grateful for him as Tina must be for you. Good luck to you both. Life certainly is a roller coaster, isn't it? Karen

[jahair 0]

Cymbalta and Trazadone are probably what keep me going on a daily basis. Without these two drugs, there is no way I could keep up the pace in my life today without breaking. Without them, I simply don't know where I'd be, but it would not be working full time, flying from one end of the country to the other on a sometimes weekly basis and managing a home as well. I would sure be crying a lot more and pity parties would be something that happened alot more often. Instead, I have strength to keep moving. I have the thought processes to know when true depression is lurking and I have the stamina to stave it off by making better choices. They simply give me a quality of life I did not have before I began taking them. In my case, my family is riddled with depression/addiction etc - add to that, any external episodes/stressors - life change, medical illness, job change, divorce, death, etc and I'm looking up from a deep dark hole and no one can even begin to understand it enough to help me out. It's ME who has to replenish the chemicals in my brain, however I can - drugs, exercise, etc and know the signs well enough to see them coming, to keep myself afloat.

I can't see how Tina - going through all that she is facing could not be very depressed. Just love her.. hold her when she cries. Listen and don't try to give resolutions (women really just need to be heard). Do what she asks - even spending less time at the puter. I doubt very much she'd complain about it if it really wasn't bothering her inside. God bless her.. I can't imagine losing my mother either. :girl_hug:

Your life sounds exactly like mine! Only for me it is Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin and Trazadone. Otherwise, ditto!

Jo Ann

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

TOM, I cried when I read about Tina crying and the two of you crying together. I was banded on Monday and on Tuesday my Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. Today was the first I have cried about it--today he became incontinent and I cried for him. Before today we have been busy arranging hospice and going to dr. appts., etc. But today was the day I cried. I'm so sad that he has such a road ahead of him. He is ready, too. Has been for a long time. But it's always hard. Always. I hope and pray for him and for Tina's mother that they can have a peaceful end of this chapter and that we who are left behind can remember how they were and what they meant to us. We can honor them by living our lives in a positive way and carrying on their legacy in our own individual ways.

Tina will be thrilled with your work. I came home the other night from a very long day with my family (I'm the oldest child) and was just exhausted. Besides everything else, i'm still weak and gassy and having lots of pain and discomfort from the surgery. But, when I walked in, my DH had some nice Clear Liquids ready for me, the kitchen tidied, and the bed turned down. I have never loved him more because I knew that he did it only for me because he was worried about me and what is going on for me right now. I'm just so grateful for him as Tina must be for you. Good luck to you both. Life certainly is a roller coaster, isn't it? Karen

I am sorry to hear of the pain in your life and your family. I also hope that both of our families can find comfort during these trying times.

In a funny way, I think Tina's crying helped you release some of your pent up emotions. You don't know Tina, and in a certain sense, you do not even "know" me. I am but electrons dancing across cyberspace, but this medium can be used for good and I hope your cry was one of those good things made possible through cyberspace.

You have a great Husband.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Demyelination is caused by an auto immune response in the body. Basically, this means that the body begins to harm itself. A certain degree of demyelination is part of the aging process so the treatment is going to depend on how the neurologist interprets your tests. It is quite unusual to be diagnosed with MS in your 60's but not unheard of.

My advice would be to wait until you hear what the neurologist has to say. There are many variables and many possibilities such as normal pressure hydrocephalis and viruses. I am attaching a link to some current research that is being done in this area.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that your news is good.

http://today.uci.edu/news/release_detail.asp?key=538

Regarding "It is quite unusual to be diagnosed with MS in your 60's": I was having a physical exam done in early 1999 (I was 53) and during the prostate exam there was a lack of response that the doctor defined as a "Sacral Negative Response". The doctor sent me to a neurologist who used used pins, hot and cold plates and a tuning fork to check my feeling responses. He said I might have spinal cord or brain cancer, or a tumor and set up an MRI of the brain, spine and pelvis.

The MRI was negative and the neurologist sent me to a doctor for a "Sacral Evoked Potentials" test, but my insurance would not pay for it. I decided to see if things would get worse and the only important problem I had was a twitching of my left leg if I moved it into a weird position, like a fat person trying to cut his toes nails gets into.

I wonder if that could have been the onset of MS.

[Carlene 12]

I am but electrons dancing across cyberspace...

I like that. Makes me feel like Tinker Bell. I want a tu tu and some fairy dust for my BD.

[momlambert 77]

I am sorry to hear of the pain in your life and your family. I also hope that both of our families can find comfort during these trying times.

In a funny way, I think Tina's crying helped you release some of your pent up emotions. You don't know Tina, and in a certain sense, you do not even "know" me. I am but electrons dancing across cyberspace, but this medium can be used for good and I hope your cry was one of those good things made possible through cyberspace.

You have a great Husband.

thanks, TOM, you give so much when you, yourself have troubles. I know that Tina's crying did help me--I think we feel each other's emotions when we can relate. It's funny, but when I read your post I actually smiled thinking about when we were living in Tokyo and visiting Utah in the summers. I had a favorite hairdresser in both places (incidentally but not importantly, both gay men) and each of them would comment how they were "connected through my hair." They adored each other and admired each other's work. I always got a kick out of that--they knew each other's names and always sent their best wishes to the other, etc. I thought it was endearing. So, anyway, I guess in the same way we are connected through our bands??? LOL. I actually think it is more likely that we are connected through our spirits but maybe it is really dancing electrons, positive vibes, lap bands and/or hair. Who's to say?

Good luck tomorrow. You are a strong man to be dealing with this as you are. Yes, I have a great husband and so does Tina. We are lucky women!

[lisah25 3]

Now I have a big decision to make:

In another thread (in the Raves and Rants section) I mentioned that I had not been around LBT for a few days because of medical tests regarding dizziness and loss of balance. I mentioned that I had to have an MRI of my brain after a CT-Scan, blood tests, hearing tests, inner ear tests, etc. did not get anywhere solving my problems.

Today, I went to the doctor and got the results of the latest bloodworm and the Brain MRI. I was sure that they would not find anything in the Brain MRI, because my head is hollow, however they found something and stupid me did not have the doctor write it down so I could do some research. All I can remember is it is a long word beginning with "D" and it sounds like dementia with a “asy” at the end, whatever, but when I asked the doctor what it means he said it could be "Muscular Sclerosis". I told Tina that I would call her after I got out of the doctor's office, but when I did, I did not tell her about the possible MS situation. She has enough to worry about up there in Brooklyn regarding her mother, without me loading more things on to her. And besides, what can she do besides worry about it?

My doctor's office called a neurologist's office for an appointment which usually takes 2 to 3 weeks to get, but the neurologist had just had a cancellation for next Monday morning, so here is my problem, if it is MS, do I hold off telling her until I pick her up on Tuesday from the airport or do I wait until after her Birthday?

Oh boy, that's a tough one. If it were me, I would probably want DH to wait until I saw him face-to-face, but soon after that. So I'd want to know when picked up at the airport.

[lisah25 3]

Now I have a big decision to make:

In another thread (in the Raves and Rants section) I mentioned that I had not been around LBT for a few days because of medical tests regarding dizziness and loss of balance. I mentioned that I had to have an MRI of my brain after a CT-Scan, blood tests, hearing tests, inner ear tests, etc. did not get anywhere solving my problems.

Today, I went to the doctor and got the results of the latest bloodworm and the Brain MRI. I was sure that they would not find anything in the Brain MRI, because my head is hollow, however they found something and stupid me did not have the doctor write it down so I could do some research. All I can remember is it is a long word beginning with "D" and it sounds like dementia with a “asy” at the end, whatever, but when I asked the doctor what it means he said it could be "Muscular Sclerosis". I told Tina that I would call her after I got out of the doctor's office, but when I did, I did not tell her about the possible MS situation. She has enough to worry about up there in Brooklyn regarding her mother, without me loading more things on to her. And besides, what can she do besides worry about it?

My doctor's office called a neurologist's office for an appointment which usually takes 2 to 3 weeks to get, but the neurologist had just had a cancellation for next Monday morning, so here is my problem, if it is MS, do I hold off telling her until I pick her up on Tuesday from the airport or do I wait until after her Birthday?

Oh, and keep us posted too, OK? I hope you get better news soon.