Now I Just Feel Like a Failure

Alexandra · February 22, 2007

This thread is so totally inspiring! I love it. :hug:

Thanks to everyone who has posted here. I needed to see a lot of it!!

bosteph · February 22, 2007

The hardest thing for me so far has been the "head" hunger. My body is satisfied but my head just wants something - anything - it's not picky.

I have realized that I obsess. Before the band, the obession was food. Now my obsession is logging everything that I eat.

I downloaded FitDay and carry my laptop everywhere. I am giving myself permission to obsess but I am not allowing myself to obsess about food. While obsession itself may not be the healthiest behavior, I have decided to focus my obsessive behaviors in ways that will ultimately benefit me. I have recognized that I am 100% onboard or 0% onboard - there is no in between.

If you can change behavior for two weeks, chances are you can make a new habit. That new habit could be exercise, food journaling, collecting stamps - whatever. Anything that gets your mind off of eating food is a good thing.

Tonight I went to Chipotle (1st time since being banded) and got a carnitas burrito with sour cream and cheese. I brought it back to my hotel (out of town on business) and looked up the nutrion info. That stupid burrito is 1157 calories!!! I ate the pork, Beans and the cheese. The rest of the burrito had to go in the trash. I couldn't believe it was so bad for me. I am still learning and will probably continue to order things that I have to throw out. The point is that I didn't eat it.

Good luck, get back on the horse and start living the life that you deserve. Happiness is within your grasp. Dig deep and be honest with yourself.

My_o_My · February 22, 2007

I totally get what you are going through. My doctor looked at me, pointed to his head, and said - you have to change this.

I got that - but it's hard. I've been without food this week because of a big fill (or what seems like one) - THIS is what I expected - someone who would FORCE me not to eat.

I could eat all day long, but really, I'm worried. I think about how tight that band is on my stomach - and I feel a NEED to lose weight so that there is no erosion. I don't want to dislodge it so I'm not taking PB's so lightly.

I only had one PB this week, but I had two disturbing middle of the night throw ups. Very acidy, the kind that makes you wince - nothing really in them, just phlegm and a little bit of sediment - it was disturbing, and I worried about esophageal erosion.

So - I'm scared to cheat - but it's making me lose weight - I can see it.

Make the doctor fill you - tell him you need it.

Kat817 · February 22, 2007

My o My---I know you want to lose the weight, but keep a very close eye on the severe reflux! See your Dr. and have it checked if it continues, he may just prescribe something like Nexium. I have the same issues, unfortunately I have a long family and personal history of GERD. I find a few things help me with the night time things you are dealing with. If I am going through a rough time with reflux I sleep on an incline, on my left side. I try to make sure my pouch is empty at bedtime, and flush it out with Water before bed. Then since my problem is simply that I produce too much acid, I keep saltine crackers near the bed, and if I get the acid backing up, I snack on a couple of crackers, and it seems to absorb, and allow the acid to pass through my system.

I have had my band checked, and all is well, I am not too tight. I just have the same problems I always did.

Losing weight can loosen the band, and ease an overfilled situation, but the excess acid can also cause a swelling that weight loss will not affect, so please see your Dr. if it continues. It can cause other health issues, you can aspirate the acid into your lungs and get pneumonia from it. Like you say you can damage your esophagus....cause an asthmatic nightime cough---all kinds of things. Being too tight is not a good situation, it can lead to erosion. Please be careful and see your Dr. if it happens much more!

OK I will now step down off of my soap box!!!

Kat

kebsa · February 22, 2007

Karenb, that is just a tremendous post! Good for your for finding a way to make it work, especially given all your other considerations. Makes me feel like a bit of a whiner....
Thanks Marrakesh. My intention certainly was not to make you feel like a whiner ( and you don't sound like a whiner!). If I had written a post 12 months ago I know I would have sounded less than postive.

I would never try to tell someone they were making a mistake about whether or not to have wls (of anykind) or have a band removed. I just thnk it is important that people understand all the implications of the choice they make- to chose carefully so that they can live with the decsion once made. To me that includes the fact that there may be problems, they may seem like unbeatable problems, but more often than not, they can be solved it just may take longer. I have occasionally wished I could rub out the years that I felt lke a failure but most of the time I feel really good about what I have achieved, all the more so because of the "effort"- makes the victories seem even better. I came about as close to losing the band as is possble without losing it, If I had lost it I have no doubt that I would have gained even more weight. What may have seemed more comfortable in the short term could have been a disaster in the long term

Maurdan · February 23, 2007

If anyone is wondering if they should do this, I would say no. I had it done in July '06. My first consultation I was 257 lbs; had to lose 12 lbs to get the surgery which I did, so the morning of the surgery in July I was at 245. It's now 6 months later and I'm hovering around 230 which is only 15 lbs. I can eat anything and everything I could before with the occasional PB episode, but I manage to choke everything down anyway. I didn't really believe that I would be a failure. I fully expected to do everything "right" but use this "tool" to lose the weight once and for all. I now feel exactly like I did before, obsessing about food, dieting just as much as ever, and not getting anywhere.
No, I haven't been to any support groups because they never schedule them for a time that I can actually go. No, I am not living on Protein shakes and liquids when I "PB". Yes, I do feel fuller after I eat and don't think I'm eating as much as I used to, but chips and crackers go down just as easy as they ever did. I'm just rather disgusted that I spent over $15,000 for what feels like nothing. My last fill was around November and I can't tell if I should go for another one. They make me feel like I have to beg for one and if I don't do everything "right" then I won't get one. I feel like I'm pretty restricted anyway. The foods I'm supposed to be eating hurt when they go down so I just stick to the foods that don't hurt.

I feel so very discouraged and hopeless... If I had known I would have opted for the gastric bypass. The minute I figured out that you can basically eat anything and everything the same as before, the old habits kicked in. It's not a magic bullet. Think long and hard before you jump in. I wish I would have. Now all I have to show is a big ugly scar in the middle of my big ugly stomach. At this rate I will probably lose about 2 lbs per year. So discouraged!

Andrea

I so could have written this post. I was just about to start my own thread when I saw this one. I feel AWFUL. I'm eating the same crap as before, even with restriction. I don't know what I can do to get my head on straight. I tried everything pre-band (including counseling) and it never worked. Now I wonder if I'm destined to super morbid obesity and an early death. I am so disgusted and depressed about this.

I'm going to read the rest of this thread and hope to get some encouragement.

googoo · February 24, 2007

I know how you feel. I am in your category. I hate that I had this done and am waiting now to find out if the insurance co will pay to have the reversal procedure done.

HarleyNana · February 24, 2007

I've been banded for over two years and....I LOVE MY BAND!

I shutter to think what my weight would be if I had not taken this path. I've only lost a little over 50 lbs, but what a difference 50 lbs made for me, because now I like me. Sure, it would probably be good to lose a few more pounds, but at my age, the loose skin becomes an issue, IMO, the only thing that looks worse than fat is hanging skin.

Like others have said, the band is not for everyone, but if you take that giant step, at least give it a chance, (hopefully no one told you it would be easy, if so they lied to you), work with your band, remember it's a tool to help you make better choices in food and life.

Maurdan · February 24, 2007

I'm in no way considering band removal. I just felt like it wasn't going to work for me. However, the past few days I have felt really positive and I'm ready to use the tool I was given. I realize a lot of my issues are ME, not the band. I really haven't given the band a chance to work because I'm not doing my part.

But it's a new day and a new week and I'm ready.

Alexandra · February 24, 2007

I'm in no way considering band removal. I just felt like it wasn't going to work for me. However, the past few days I have felt really positive and I'm ready to use the tool I was given. I realize a lot of my issues are ME, not the band. I really haven't given the band a chance to work because I'm not doing my part.
But it's a new day and a new week and I'm ready.

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

I've been banded for 3 1/2 years and sometimes think about how "nice" it would be to just eat thoughtlessly, gorging on something freely until I feel satisfied. As the years go by it gets harder and harder to remember how horrible I felt at 340 lbs, how limited my life was, and how much freedom and ability I've regained by losing all that weight. And there is NO QUESTION that I'd gain it all back and more were I to lose my band. The thought processes are just too ingrained (a little more, two bites of this, a plate of that...) and I'd be back to my whale-self in a few short years.

I put in a lot of effort to let the band save my life, and the work that remains to be done is mine. It will never go away and I can never forget. But it's the band that made it possible.

Carlene · February 24, 2007

I have just about every excuse in the world for NOT succeeding with the band: over 50, menopausal, low thyroid, snack/sweets/carb eater, limited mobility (multiple back surgeries), hate to exercise, don't like baked fish or green veggies, zero willpower.....etc.

It's done pretty darn well for me, in spite of myself. Has it done it FOR me? Hell NO!

I had to stop buying Cheetos, because I can overdose on them at the rate of a large bag per day. Then it was the white chocolate M&M's. (I think they've stopped making those....thank God!). I can't eat bread, or I would.

Get the crap out of your house and keep it out. Notice I didn't say "stop eating it". If you want chocolate, drive to the store and buy ONE regular size candy bar. If you crave ice cream, drive to the ice cream shop and buy ONE single dip cone. Just don't sabotage yourself by having an unlimited supply of that stuff on hand at all hours.

Next suggestion....get a swallow test. That will tell the tale as far as whether you are too loose or too tight. If you are "just right", you still may not be able to eat beef, chicken, etc. Some of us just have sensitive stomas. BUT....that's not a license to resort to ice cream and chips. I eat a lot of Soup that is very healthy, especially when my band is being bitchy.

Broth-based Soups, chili, meatballs in sauce, crisp bacon, low-fat cheese, tuna, cottage cheese and yogurt (non-fat) and skim milk are the mainstays of my diet. (Recipes available upon request.)

And now the dreaded "E" word.....move your butt - don't just sit on it. Walk a couple of miles every day. (Yes, you can. My mother-in-law will be 87 in April and she walks 2 miles every day - with two artificial knees.)

Give these a try for 90 days and I promise you, the results will make you a very happy Bandster.

Maurdan · February 24, 2007

And now the dreaded "E" word.....move your butt - don't just sit on it. Walk a couple of miles every day. (Yes, you can. My mother-in-law will be 87 in April and she walks 2 miles every day - with two artificial knees.)

I know I can, I do. Exercise has never been the problem. Trust me, I appreciate the post but I know all the rules and what to do and what not to do. Like I said, it's my head I'm working on right now. I'll get it; I no longer doubt it. And I feel better already.