Single/Dating/Dealing with it....

[TexasRose 0]

So, I've 'met' this guy through an online dating service who is from my State but working out of the country for the next 9 months. We have not met face-to-face but he will be home for a 3 week holiday in a few days. We have not solidified plans to meet but have hinted to the opportunity. I'm sure it will happen - but after my dating experiences over the last 9 months, I'm not holding my breath!!

Here's the deal - he mentioned that his last girlfriend had gained some weight and it frustrated him that she would not do anything about it. I have shared MANY photos from the last 5 months and I have repeatedly said that I was not thin but working on it.

Part of me just wants to tell him about the surgery so that I can say - yes, I have a weight problem but I DID something about it and it is a process that I am about half way through.

-OR-

Do I wait for him to see me in person and let him make judgment without explanation?

I'm really struggling with this decision. I do not have a problem telling anyone about the band and I usually do tell my dates after they meet me in person.

Thoughts?

[flabuless 18]

gosh thats a toughy...I would wait...lapband is not that bigga deal you know...really its no-ones business but our own...it doesn't matter how we lost the weight but just that we have...I am also corresponding with a guy through an internet dating site...like you I have shared that i have lost weight but haven't gone into depth on how etc...

becky

[lianna 3]

Do you mean should you tell him that you had WLS before you meet him? I think that would be un-necessary imformation at this point, until you meet him in person. He has seen photos of you! He is already interested in you or he wouldnt keep corresponding. Make plans to meet him, and if it seems right at the time then you can tell him!

[She Smiles 2]

I'm with Flabuless on this one. Wait and see how it pans out. If it gets serious then thats when I would tell him. You just don't know how he might react. Let him fall for you how you are and THEN tell him how awesome you are because you made such a great decision for your health to have the band done :biggrin1:

Good luck with the internet guys ladies! I met my fiance via the internet (and now he has emigrated from the US to Australia to be with me!) and he is a gem. There are good ones out there!

[TexasRose 0]

Ladies,

Thank you for your thoughts.

I never thought tell vs. don't tell decision would be this difficult - but it seems to be with this particular guy. What's bugging me is the desire to say "HEY - I DID SOMETHING ABOUT THIS" so that it shows that I'm not like the ex-g. *shrug* Perhaps this is just wasted brain power.

You guys are so great! Thanks!

[NewBeginnings2018 81]

You know TexasRose, I struggled with something similar not too long ago. There was this guy I met before I had surgery. We kind of hit it off, but not really, and to me, I blamed it on my weight. I always do. If I was thinner he would have liked me more. What I need to know is that this is NOT true.

So we've still been talking and a while back I wanted to tell him about the surgery and about losing weight and then, thankfully, I stopped myself. What I realized is that if someone really doesn't like me because of my weight, then they don't deserve the chance to like me when I've lost the weight. I think I need to start accepting myself the way I am before anyone else will accept me.

You have been very honest and have shown plenty of pictures. When you meet he with either be attracted to you or he won't. If he's not, if very well may have NOTHING to do with your weight. And if it does have anything to do with your weight, he is not good enough for you anyway!!

So yes, I think you should wait and let him see you and "make judgement without any explanation". If he's going to judge you solely by the way you look, he doesn't deserve a wonderful woman like you!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[apinksoprano 0]

Hello all, I just wanted to post on here cause I understand how hard it is dating in general let alone dating as an overweight female...I have had some very good experiences and very bad experiences....I cannot wait to find the love of my life and stop all this dating crap and dealing with the BS that comes along with it....But being heavy I have issues when dating I am very insecure, jealous at times, and just push men away...Because truly I am not happy with myself....I have put myself back out there although havent gone on any dates yes but I wonder to myself if they ask me out to dinner what do I do...I am still on mushies...Do you tell someone you never met that you had this surgery or not....I am just as confused as anyone I guess....But it is true that people should genuilely like us for who wee are on the inside and the outside is just a bonus....But we all know we dont live in a perfect world and the outside counts a lot more that it should....But hey wee shouldnt be dating those jerks while wee are heavy or thinner....So good luck to all us sinlge ladies out there in that jungle of a dating world...

[TexasRose 0]

Isn't it amazing how we whip up these really great fantasies about the dating men that we have met online and rarely does reality = fantasy. I'm sure guys do the same thing.

With this particular gentleman, we have talked a lot through email and the phone - but until he reveals his true self...I will have doubts.

APinkSoprano - I completely agree with you...I cannot wait to get out of this vicious dating cycle and in to something solid and future focused.

What happened to dating 'just for fun'? I've really tried to just have fun and meet guys....but the little 'think about your future' thoughts creep in and ruins the whole thing of just doing it for fun! tick, tick, tick.... eh, who wants kids anyway!

I cannot imagine that I'm too horrible as a potential date...I've had over 700 hits on my profile in the last 3 weeks. It's just the process of weeding through the numbers I guess.

[MarySue33 0]

I've done a lot of internet dating over the years and I used to fret and worry about my size and what they would think when they met me, even though they had seen current pictures of me. (Pics were current, but nothing full length -- only current head and shoulders pics.) I overcompensated by feeling that I had to give them a lengthy email explanation when we decided to meet about how I was fatter than I looked in the picture (kind of like 'objects in the mirror are closer than they appear to be').

The 'real' guys just shook their heads and said, "If I wanted a skinny girl, I would have picked a skinny girl. I already knew that you were not tiny. I like the person that you are -- not the size." (I guess the face gave it away, eh?). Other guys (who would not have been a good fit for me, anyway) just faded away and we never met. That was fine with me, too. I would much rather know it sooner than later.

I have since stopped apologizing for myself. I am nearly 50 years old and I'm more in the 'what you see is what you get' mode. This is who I am...take it or leave it. Quite honestly, dating has been a whole lot more fun lately, too. I think it is because I don't stress and obsess about my weight and I just go out and enjoy myself. I asked an old boyfriend once how much of a factor my weight is going to be in dating and he said that once someone meets me and my bubbly personality, the last thing they are thinking about is my weight. I am relaxed and I can be myself.

I, personally, would not tell a new guy about my lap band yet. I figure if there is a guy who seems like a keeper (and we don't know that right away -- let him prove himself) then I would tell him about my band. I have had a hysterectomy, too, but I don't share that info with dates early on, either. That's the way I look at it, anyway.

I'm a more private person than some about this sort of thing and have not shared my surgery info with anyone except my family and three close friends. If it were me, I would take time to get to know him first and then decide if he is 'worthy' of telling. I can date and eat like a bandster discreetly on a date or at a luncheon and nobody is any the wiser. I order fish and smaller portions and I take my leftovers home. That is what skinny people do every day and they don't offer up explanations.

In fact, I have come to realize that the band forces me to eat like a thin person does naturally. My daughter is tiny and has always eaten like I am eating now. Nobody has ever commented about how little she eats and, unless we draw attention to ourselves, I have a hunch nobody will really notice how little we eat on dates, either.

Anyway...that's my two cents for what it's worth!