Feeling like I'm in some odd, twisted loop of mental tricks and games

[college_chick 20]

I'm trying to get everything together for the predetermination for my insurance (BCBS Federal) and I feel like I'm trying to walk up a wall. My BMI is 41.6 with no comorbidities, I just moved to a new college and have found myself more active because it is larger (classes and food are a half mile away from my house instead of a block away) while this is a great thing, in terms of losing weight, I can't help but feel like it is the worst thing ever.

I know that this surgery is the best option for me because for the past 5 years I have been bouncing from 230-260 lbs. and while I have no comorbidities now, I feel like there is a time bomb strapped to my back. If I continue to fluctuate and never get to a healthier state I will eventually develop one or more comorbidities. My PCP tested me for diabetes last month as a precaution and I was shocked to find out that I don't have it because my weight has been an issue that has been progressing for almost 10 years now.

I keep second guessing myself right now. What if I just haven't done enough and now that I have better resources around me I could lose the weight with out surgery? At the same time I know that this goes much deeper than just losing weight or exercising more, I've become so used to shoveling massive amounts of food down my throat that I look at a recommended portion and see it more as a snack or appetizer. I need something to not just help with the weight issues but a way to retrain myself on how to eat as a way to nourish my body, instead of continuing my unhealthy habits.

I'm worried that with all the changes in my life right now I'll lose enough weight that I'll be denied by my insurance and be back on that yo-yo cycle of bouncing from 230-260. My window of opportunity for this surgery is small, because I'm only on this insurance plan for another 10 months.

I'm hoping someone has been in a similar situation of feeling like they have to maintain their weight just to have a chance to be healthy in the long run and can give some advice on how to deal with this. I find myself getting excited because my pants aren't as loose as they were my first 3 weeks at this college (I lost about 8-10 lbs. during the moving process and my first few weeks here because of the larger campus, stress, and a few other things) I haven't gained past what I was at the dr. consult in December, so I'm basically just maintaining the weight at this point. And I can't help but feel that it is a little twisted that I'm excited because I gained back some weight so that I can qualify for a surgery that will help me lose weight.

Maybe I'm just not looking at this in the best light? Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated Also, thanks for giving me a place to reach out to people who could possible understand. I've talked to a few close friends and they think it's a bit odd, because they all cheer for weight loss, not gain

[jamilaha 29]

Hi! I am also BCB Federal with a 40 BMI. I have had a weight problem all my life and I have come to the realization that WLS is the best option for me as well. I have not had my surgery yet. I have one more weight loss class, and I hope to have it in late April or early May.

Do not second-guess; just make sure you are ready for what all this entails. Do your research to make an informed decision. This is not a cure but a tool and still a lot of hard work. I am on these boards almost every day learning the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is great that you are now active; it is good to develop healthier habits now. It increases your chances of success!

[kareenak 17]

hey there! i read your post and i can relate 100%! i was always on the bigger side all throughout my life and it came to the point where i was in college and weighing 260lbs at the age of 22 with no comorbidities. I always thought to myself that people would think this was the easy way out. that people would think i didnt try to eat right or exercise. i also thought after i got surgery that i would go back to my old eating and drinking habits and it would be a waste of my time, money and bodys health. i went through the 6month pre-op classes and during that time i wasnt allowed to lose any weight or else my insurance said i wouldnt qualify for the surgery. so u can imagine my frustration when i realized im learning all these new ways of my upcoming lifestyle and cant even do them during my pre-op months. i had all these thoughts weighing down on me but i knew wat i had to do for myself so that when i wake up one day 20yrs down the road im not an extra 100 lbs heavier with multiple comorbidities. i had surgery june 27,2012. i am 8months post-op and jus recently hit my 100lb mark! i can tell you that it is well worth it! you need to believe in yourself and remember this is for you and your wellbeing. dont listen to anyone or even your own negative thoughts. i promise you it will work out in the end and you wont regret it!

[desert19 93]

I first went to the community seminar put on by the surgeons 2 years before I finally had the surgery. When I heard them talking about portions, exercise, no pop, etc. I thought gee, I could do that and lose the weight and not have the surgery. So I joined Weight Watchers (again) and I just could never get down more than 25 pounds. Finally gave up and gained it all back in no time. A year ago I finally realized that for some reason, even though I followed the program I wasn't going to lose the weight on my own. So, a year ago I got sleeved, and I am so glad. My life is so different. I succeeded!!!

[college_chick 20]

Thank you all for the responses. I was in a funk that day. Like kareenak said its hard to learn all of these new tricks and skills and not be able to use them for fear of not being approved. I should have my paperwork submitted in the next week or two yay :-)