Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

God help America!!!!!

PLeease, enough with the WONDERKIDSMOM drama!!!, honestly, the woman keeps saying that she is afraid of her husband reading her posting,and still she keeps writing,everybody tells her to get out or kick the hubby out of her house, but she stays!!! Welcome to LAPBAND TALK...lapband!! not DRAMA-BAND, or POOOR-ME band talk!!!!.

Been there done that, blaming EVERYBODY else does not solve the situation. Find HELP, LEGAL help!!!!!!!!!

If you are irritated by this thread, please just don't read it instead of attacking this poor woman (WonderKidsMom). In fact, that goes for ALL members and ALL threads....can't you let people vent and just ignore their posts if don't want to be bothered? It's one thing to disagree or offer constructive criticism, but to suggest someone NOT post about something - or stop posting about a particular topic - is high-handed and hateful.

PS....you misspelled "persistence".

God help America!!!!!

PLeease, enough with the WONDERKIDSMOM drama!!!, honestly, the woman keeps saying that she is afraid of her husband reading her posting,and still she keeps writing,everybody tells her to get out or kick the hubby out of her house, but she stays!!! Welcome to LAPBAND TALK...lapband!! not DRAMA-BAND, or POOOR-ME band talk!!!!.

Been there done that, blaming EVERYBODY else does not solve the situation. Find HELP, LEGAL help!!!!!!!!!

I, too, have been growing increasingly irritated by the smug and less than compassionate tone of this writer. Her advice may be solid enough but her delivery leaves a lot to be desired.

It strikes me that the strength of this website is that the membership is free to post on all sorts of issues, those directly concerning the lapband, weight, and those that have to do with other aspects of life in the 21st century.

Wonderkidsmom has come to us with a very serious problem, and why shouldn't she? In presenting her issues to us she is able to draw upon the expert advice and emotional support of a lot of women who have already worn the divorce T-shirt. All she is seeking is advice and emotional support.... Here she is able to do this in a safe environment, away local gossips or anyone else who might have an agenda.

It seems to me that the above quoted writer has not been reading this thread very carefully or else she has been projecting something of herself, something of her own situation, something which does not belong here. She ends her post by screaming at Wonder to "get HELP, LEGAL help!!!!!!!!" In fact Wonder has often stated that she does have an attorney.

I for one would like to see this thread continue. I wish to hear how life unfolds for Wonderkidsmom.

Thank-you Kare, Carlene, & Green---I know this is not my thread, or my problem at the time, but I have been there, and while in hindsight I know I made mistakes, I know at the time I was doing my best, as I feel "wonder" is. You have restored my faith in us as supporters.....I love when women can show support for one another rather than tearing one another apart. Something I have always felt men did better than women---supporting their own gender! Glad to know y'all are out there!!!

Kat

Hooray! I say ditto to all you strong women.

Keep on posting WonderkidsMom. I for one want to be here for you as you go through this. Some of us have been there already and know from where you are coming. Remember that you have to go through all the stages of grief before you are through.

 

We are here for you. Others can just skip over this thread and get on with their own life. We don't need negative support.

Hi all-

I just received an apology from Persistance, saying she did not mean to come across to hard on our WonderMom here. When responding to her, I realized, I too had handled it wrong. While she was harsh in the way she said things, she too is honestly looking out for Wonders safety. She deals personally with abusive relationships, and has seen the worst happen. NONE of us want that for Wonder, we all have different ways of voiceing that, and advising her. Some of us wish we could just go pull her out of the house, and fix it all for her!!! We can't. Dammit!

Anyway--please know wonder, that we all just want the best for you, we worry about you. Many of us have been where you are, and know it can go from bad to worse very quickly, and we just want you to be proactive rather than reactive to things he says and does.

Keep in contact with your attorney, and with us---even when we say things you don't like it is done, hoping to help you.

I really do not believe anyone is trying to be unsupportive, we all just show it in different ways. Tough love is afterall still love---just wrapped up differently. Hang in there Wonder---we're all here!

Kat

Thanx Kat:

You are a lady and little angel waking the earth..God Bless

Well, if Persist wants some kind of absolution or to give a simple explanation why doesn't Persist post on this thread instead of giving you a private PM, Kat? She has undoubtedly hurt Wonder by these harsh and thoughtless posts and she has certainly irritated a number of other individuals who are engaged in Wonder's current situation.

As for yourself, what did you handle the wrong way? I don't see anything wrong.

I don't want to hijack Wonders thread here, I just feel like I stepped in and judged something that was not my place to do---I hate it done to me, and then go and do it myself---go figure!!!

What I did not want was for this thread to turn into an arguement concerning approaches, and how to properly provide support and advice, as opposed to simple, everyday support for Wonder. I am glad to see it is not.

Kat

Hi all-

I just received an apology from Persistance, saying she did not mean to come across to hard on our WonderMom here. When responding to her, I realized, I too had handled it wrong. While she was harsh in the way she said things, she too is honestly looking out for Wonders safety. She deals personally with abusive relationships, and has seen the worst happen.

I received a similar PM, although I did not feel that any apology was due me (only WonderKidsMom). I'm not sure I'm buying the "just thinking of her safety" excuse, though. Twelve step programs are all about support, first of all, and Persistance (sic) was NOT supportive. Secondly, it would have been much more productive to PM a note to Wonder saying, "Call me. I am concerned about you." Flaming the poor woman for posting was a very poor way to "protect" her.

Thanks, Kat, for posting the other side of the story. Green, for all we know, Persistance has PM'd her own apology to Wonder and just did not want to share it with all of us. I think we, as posters, sometimes forget that just because a forum is a public thing that every comment does not need to be in the public view -- hence the PM option. I have been PM'ing Wonder, myself, through all of this to share some of my own personal experiences with her -- experiences to which I do not necessarily want the entire world to be privy.

Let's not all beat one another up. In email forums, as in life, there will be those who are more 'touchy feely' and nurturing and those who are more direct and who hope to push people to make decisions that will have a positive impact on their lifes. I fall into this category and I know that my advice can be more harsh at times than some of yours would have been, but I really worry about the well-being of both wonder and her daughter as long as they are in the same house with him. Sometimes we get frustrated with our friends, but that is the wonderful thing about friendships -- we can be honest with people we care about -- even if it is not always what they want to hear. Often (we hope always) they will later realize that we just had their best interests at heart.

As you may have noticed, I have not posted on this thread recently. It is not because I do not care, but because I have become frustrated with the situation. I am someone who has been there -- as have many of you -- and I find myself easily frustrated with women who make any number of excuses to stay in situations that are not healthy for them. I suspect that I become easily frustrated with them because I was that woman -- for far too long. Let's not all beat one another up. In email forums, as in life, there will be those who are more 'touchy feely' and nurturing and those who are more direct and who hope to push people to make decisions that will have a positive impact on their lifes in a different way.

Let's get back to the true focus of this thread -- supporting one of our own who needs us. We won't do it all the same way, but that's ok. Sometimes it is that mix of the nurturing and handholding and the action seeking advice that is just exactly what is best for us when we are in need, as we all respond differently to advice.

I have not received any PMs from persistance.

I appreciate those of you who have been so kind as to leap to my defense in light of what I do believe was comments not well itended and that did indeed hurt.

I also can appreciate that my situtation and sometimes passive response - or lack of - is frustrating to you, as well as my every day local friends. But please believe me that no one is more frustrated than me.

I have resolved in this new year to be more proactive and less reactive and so far have been pretty sucessful. I believe firmly that once we have a court date and things begin moving along in the legal system I will regain some sense of control. There are more things developing that are very positive. Will post more when I can.

Also, my primary focus has always been the children and their best interest, and taking the high road, but I also have realized that as they will tell you at the beginning of an airplane flight, you can;t help your children with their oxygen if you haven't taken care of yours first.

So, please bear with me, your support and even advice I don't like is my lifeline to sanity dueing this most difficult time in my life.

Again, thanks to all of you.

I did try to Pm you wonder...your profile said no contacts listed.

Maybe Kat can tell you why I'm concerned...if the other people understand or not ...well, there is not much to do. About me pming certain people,that is due to the respect I feel for their oponion,regardless of what some may think. Good luck.

Not sure why you can't PM me, several others have been sucessful at this...Feel free to post to me if you continue to have trouble reaching me through Pms.

Hey guys!

Just a quick second while logged on at work (bad me!) I am still alive and having trouble getting onto a computer to access the site now that son is back at college & he took his laptop w/him.

Lots of dram in the continuing saga, will post this weekend if I get get the computer to work. he finally found out that I filed for temp orders to get him out of the house & pay the bills, these "emergency orders" were requested in November and the hearing date is March 27th.

I've been surviving through prayer, exercise (yeah for kickboxing), journaling and my wonderful friends.

Thanks to all of you for the PMs, they are wonderful. I can read them through my e-mail. I think I finally replied to everyone.

I'll post this weekend aws he is out of town and my daughter and I have the house to ourselves!

Thanks to everyone!