Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

2-3-06 3:30pm

Had a wonderful day yesterday, spent most of the day with the kids celebrating my son's birthday, took them out to lunch and spent a few hours at an arts festivel held right by his dorm.

Later that night I met up with my old girlfriend and another 3 old friends (we were all little league moms for years together), we ate dinner and spent hours catching up.

It did me a world of good.

My husband has been ignoring me thank goodness, but playing a couple of juvenile games. He had strewn lots of his junk out on the dresser and while they were gone over thanksgiving, I moved it back into his closet where it had been stored for years. The next day after his return I noticed he moved it back, then I moved it back, then he did. Then I shoved it all to his side of the dresser.

Also, he brought back a bag full of small avacados (spell?) and I had eaten a couple of them, when one morning I noticed they had disappeared. I finally found them on top of the frige - a place at barely 5'3" I have troubel reaching. I got them down and put them back on the counter. Next day they were gone again, this time hidden in the cupboard above the fridge.

After his stunt of taking my car without asking when he knew I'd be using it that night and not coming home until around 12:30pm, I wonder, What grade do you think he's in?

I also realized that last week he did not buy any groceries at all, and this morning he bought just a very few things for himself and a couple of things for our daughter (her favorite fruit, cheese, etc).

Considering how much more money he makes than me, this means I have almost no money left after I paid my portion of the household bills and got gas, groceries and paid for her school lunches for the week.

He left the house a bit ago to aparently go see our son for his birthday. I'm hoping he stays out a long time.

Will keep you guys updated. Wondering what you all think of his behavior.

ps - he hasn't returned the car titles even tough I keep asking for them.

I personally say if he is going to play assinine children's games, then let him! He will not want to live in a home with no electricity---and he should not want your DD to. Especially if that bill comes in his name---quit paying your so called half and buy what you need to eat. When he gets sick of it, HE can initiate legal action--or sit on it and spin!

Tell him, then follow through that the next time he takes the car with no warning you will consider it stolen---and make the report. You will then have a copy of the police report to take with you to court.

I agree that it sounds like your kids have adjusted, and I would imagine his infantile behaviour embarasses his DD. It would me! I mean give me a break! Stand up to him, quit pussy footing around him, and get the law involved if need be. Do not stoop to his level of foolishness, if he moves it, leave it be, and buy your own rather than paying for the electric bill or whatever payment you choose. When the court settles the finances, there should be some CS involved, but the amount may vary depending on how they settle the custody. If it is shared, then it may not amount to a lot. Are you fighting to stay in a home you will later not be able to afford alone? I hate to sound negative, but you have to be realistic about it. If it is going to be more than you can handle should he bail and not pay you any CS (and it can happen, I raised one with none, and gave them all the necessary info on him, still nothing), you need to be in a position to support yourself and your DD. If that means downsizing, then maybe the time has come to do just that, and take the DD with you. I would suggest finding a living arrangement where the CS would be nothing more than a play bonus---do not make your life style dependent upon it. There is nothing illegal about him changing jobs, and flipping burgers...and the CS would diminish considerably. The best time to begin looking out for yourself and your future is now. You gave him a chance to show he wanted to save this marriage, and while you have made the begining moves of splitting, he obviously does not want it either, or he would be moving heaven and earth to win you back...and he is instead pushing you further away.

Do whatever you have to so, to begin a new life for yourself. Make a statement! You're losing the weight, now time for the next move...go back to school, color your hair red...something, make up your mind to be happy, and move on!

The very best revenge is a well lived, happy life. Start yours. We are always here to help hold you up when you waver----and even when we say things that might not set well with you, we do it because we truly feel it is what we would do in the situation. I do understand you want to keep your house...just make sure you re not using up all your energy and emotion to keep it, only to lose it later---if that is a worry, then let go of the stress it is involving by living with him, and cut your losses. Can he keep it without you and buy you out???? You may come out further ahead...think about it!!!

We are here---anytime!

Kat

Another thought just hit me~

If you do not already have yoru own personal checking account, go get one started. If you do, write checks for everything, skip the debit card for now.

What I was thinking of was the DD's school lunches---write the check---he should be paying that too! Keep proof of those things--your check or copy if your bank just sends them is all the proof you need!

Kat

Aren't you tired of playing nice? Now is the time to act. Enough already, it is effecting your daughter.

Get you lawyer to get a temporary restraining order and have him taken from the house. He has somewhere he can go. You do not. I know he is getting the house after the divorce, but I'm assuming your daughter is coming with you? If so, no judge is going to kick you and your daughter out before the holidays. Let him leave and get some peace for your daughter and you. Change the locks and take his set of your car keys. The lawyer can do this for you.

Stop paying the bills. Don't pay anything. Let him see what it is like to suffer without money. You will never get out if you keep spending everything on the house and the children. He takes care of the children. He won't let your daughter starve. Don't eat meals there. If you do, just bring enough in for your daughter and you. Stop the freeloader dead in his tracks.

OK that's my 2 cents this evening. I say take off the kid gloves and get as dirty as he is, but don't get your children involved.

I know that you are getting a lot of advice to play the game his way, but I still think you should take the high road. You will be glad that you did later down the road. However, keep in mind that there is a HUGE difference between taking the high road and being a doormat.

My advice today may seem harsh,but it's realistic.

I agree with whoever told you to STOP paying half of everything. I would not pay for anything except my personal stuff until you go to court. Any credit you have is joint. He is not going to want it to go bad. He won't let the utilities get shut off and he won't let your daughter starve.

If I were you, I would immediately stop the tit-for-tat. It is just wasted energy and it serves no purpose. Plus, it lets him know that he can suck you into his games. Just stop doing it. It doesn't mean he wins...it means YOU win. You retain your dignity and your self-respect.

He may make you want to scream, but if you respond to his antics in kind, all it does is show him that he is getting to you -- and that only fuels this crap. You lived without the avacadoes a week before his trip; you can live without them for another week. It's not worth the battle. Trust me. Don't get so wrapped up in the day to day drama that you have no energy left for the really important stuff.

Right now is the time to start planning your future. If you get so bogged down in the day to day stuff that doesn't even matter, you will not be ready to move onto your new life when the time comes. Planning and preparing for your new life (without flaunting it in his face -- just quietly do it and keep moving forward) will not only be a smart move for the future of you and your daughter, it will also keep you so busy with positive things that you will not have time to waste on the stupid little negative things.

12-8-06 6pm

Sorry haven't posted in a while. Things have been lousy and busy at work and I couldn't get on this site. I think he may have restricted this site because a restricted tab would pop up whenever I tried toi access it and I just now looked in the security settings and found that mysteriously this site was the only one that had been blocked so I un-blocked it.

He's been up to more of the same. The two most recent things are that last night he e-mailed me that he had "accepted" another offer to go to see his sister in another state with the kids for christmas and i needed to give him written permission to do this by the 15th (where did he get this deadline?)

I spoke to both kids and neither expressed a preference either way. I decided that since they just saw these same relatives over thanksgiving, my car can't take the wear & tear of another trip, and I didn't see them over thanksgiving or my daughter's birthday, I will not be giving him permission.

I e-mailed him back that tonight. I think it won't go over so well.

The other thing is that I drink apricot nectar as a good source of potassium due toi my heart problem last year and they keep diappearing and my daughter says she only drinks one or two, as these are expensive and for my health as opposed to a taste choice, I also asked him to either stop drinking them or replace them.

Thoughts? Thanks as usual!

I too have just recently went through the same thing I have lived with the same man for six years allowed him to put me down and degrate me and I felt like I did not deserve better I had the lap band surgery in July this year and I too have lost over 60 pounds and my husband also blames my choice to finally leave on my band and "my stupid surgery" as he calls it. I just believe that I started believing in myself that is what happened and realize me and my children deserved better. I am sorry you are experiancing this I know how painful it is I am living it now as for the children my two have been better off and have changed in attitude a full three sixty they are relieved to I just never really understood how bad it had effected them.

Hi everyone...well my story...I found out two weeks after my youngest child was born that my husband (of 4 years) has been having an affair with one our mutual friends...for the last 4 years also. He basically had two families (although her kids were not his biologically) for all this time...He had been giving me the raw end of the deal; resenting me, ranting at me treating me like a doormat, and had no consideration for me and his two beautiful kids, for so long now that when I found out he was also involved with another woman and was probably giving the best of himself to her...I was OUT OF THERE! we have been separated a year now...and I have changed, and grown, and developed so much self confidence since it is not funny!!! I am loving just being with the kids. I am starting a small business, I am doing things now I never dreamed possible. And on top of that i am loosing weight and looking fantastic... I cant wait to loose even more and stick it up him what he missed out on... Well good riddens I say...good riddens to men who don't appreciate the jewels that are in their own homes.

Hang in there...

I think you are doing the right thing. After all, once you are divorced he will not be able to 'hog' the kids for every holiday. It is not unfair at all for you to want to have your kids with you at Christmas. I would not give the permission, either. I also would not respond to any email rant that he may send your way because he will be angry that you have stood your ground. I'm very proud of you!

Question, though...if you two are living in the same house...why bother with the emails? If it were me, I probably wouldn't even bother to answer his emails, but that's just me.

As far as the apricot nectar, maybe you should start keeping a stash of it at work instead of at home. Or keep it tucked away somewhere he might not think to look. I know when I was going through my divorce, I would keep a lot of stuff in the trunk of my car. However, if he takes your car whenever he wants to, that wouldn't work too well. Also, I lived in a northern climate and I could use my trunk as a refrigerator in the winter. That might be a little trickier in Arizona.

Hang in there...Christmas will be difficult, but you're headed the right direction. The key is not to stoop to his level and keep on taking the high road.

Sending you hugs...

Maybe you should install a lock on your temporary bedroom so that you can keep your nectar to yourself for your heart.

As long as there is a minor child joint custody will call for every other holiday every other year. Therefore, he had them at Thanksgiving, you get them at Christmas. If he doesn't go away for the holiday I guess you both get them.

Hope your lawyer was able to get him ejected temporarily until the divorce hearing and settlement. He is being pretty childish and keeping you "down" seems to be his latest game.

Let us know how you are doing. The magic date of the 15th is fast approaching. Hope he has his bags packed.

12-17-06 7:30pm

Hi all. Haven't posted in a while as he had blocked this website and for some reason I am still unable to sign on from my home computer so I'm at a friend's house using hers.

Things have been pretty much the same, still getting the e-mail flurry sometimes and sometimes not. Mostly every time I try and do the right thing like tell him about something that's happened at school with our daughter (I work at her school), he goes nuts. She has begun to have a real decline in her grades from not studying and not turning in her work. I just don't think that I have to report every conversation that I have with her to him. I do try and keep him informed though.

My son came home from college late last week and I threw him a surprise (belated) irthday party which all of his friends and even some of his former teachers came too and he really enjoyed. I've has several long talks with him about things around the house and have vowed to him to try and keep the tension in the house to a minimum.

I'm thinking that in a way it's a good thing for him to experience what it's like in the house, since it's mostly been while he's been gone it's probably been a difficult concept for him to get his mind around.

I have denied permission for the kids to go out of state for Christmas, and for a while he threatened to take me to court over it, he informed me today that he's not taking them out of state nor me to court. He did tell me that the day he said that he was "done with" me was one of the best days of his life, I thought "mine too".

Work is up and down but there have been a few good ones and with the holiday break coming up in a few days I hope to enjoy some time with the kids, if only I had money to do something nice.

Comments, advice, suggestions?

Merry Christmas to all & thanks as always!

Glad to hear your OK. I was beginning to worry. He is still playing mind games and the least said to him the better. I wouldn't discuss too much with him and certainly no details. I also wouldn't say too much more to the kids. You've told them what's happening and now its not for them to have to live with day by day. Let them be kids and keep the adult divorce items away from them if possible.

If he continues to block this website then you should do something about that. Is the computer the family's, his, or yours? He is probably reading what we all post and just doesn't let you access from the home computer. How sad to be so childish.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. Remember, the best you can give your children is your time. You don't need money for that.

Enjoy your time with them. Hope things get a little better for you.

12-19 8pm

Ok, here's the latest. Today I checked the (former) joint account to see what bills are due so that I can set up to pay my 20% directly to the creditors from my own bank account and I realized that three of the creditors had been removed form the screen so therefore won't be paid again through that account.

They are the same 3 bills that early on 'he' had decided would become my responsibility after the divorce.

I consulted with my attorney about this and she advised that we communicate and make sure to pay all househould bills 80/20 as we've been.

So tonight I tried talking to him face to face and he informed me that he had decided that for now he would pay the other bills and these three were my sole responsibility. I had continued to pay my 20% of ALL the bills, but on my income can't possibly pay all that.

After a rather heated discussion he then informes me that he will likley stop paying the canle/phone/internet (1 bill) and probably anything else that's set up in my name. that's most bills as I was the one who years ago arranged to set things up.

I advised him that I'd been paying my 20% of all the bills and he just said 'thanks for the donation'.

ARGH!! I just can't wait for this to be over. i really wish we were living in seperate places. I've left my attorney a message telling her this latest concern, and I think I will pay all of the bills I can and pay all the credit cards what I can, I have been keeping a file of receipts for everything I pay for & purchase so hopefully someday in court it'll show I acted in good faith.

He mentioned something about going down and changing the bills to his name like electricity & water after I'd been unable to pay them and they were shut off. It seems to me that his plan is to try and ruin the credit of tings in my name.

I'm open to advice, suggestions and support. Today was my last day at work for winter break but somehow I don't think it will be as relaxing as it should be for me.

As always, thanks for everything, I need all the help in coping I can get.

I would suggest that you get with your attorney and ask her to see if she can work out a deal to get you lower payments on your bills so that you do not go in the hole anymore than you have to. Also I would talk to here about the future since I think it will be a long drawn out deal and also since houses are not selling how to buy each other out etc. Also I would suggest that you are not at the same bank as was you joint account. Also I would try and set up direct deposit and also bill pay. I would suggest that you take all the bils you have and then 2 or how often you get paid and pay them in half each time. I have been doing this system for a while and it does work. Just hope you do not have a hick-up that might cause a problem. I would becareful with him changing the accounts etc. I do not think they will allow him to do that. Maybe what you should do is have two meters each for the electric, water, gas and then you would only have to pay your part. I would also suggest you talk with your attorney and see about changing the 80/20 deal. I would also go to the bank and/or loan place and see what they might be able to do for you inregards to a house loan in case you get the house etc. You might have enough in there that you could reduce the payments. This is just some ideas for you. Just take it easy over the christmas break and spend time with the kids away from the house and see some friends also. I would try and stay away from him as much as you can. I want to wish you a Very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Things will get better after the 1st of the year.

Chris

Pre-Band

St. Louis

vcw61@excite.com