Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

:sick a funny note

Amid all this heartache & anger, A somewhat funny thing happened to me last night, and before that on christmas day.

I got a new pair of pretty clogs with a gift card someone gave me, and they are amazingly comfortable. However, they're a bit lacking in the anti-slip department (couldn't possibly be the user).

On christmas day I went to the local video store to rent a few movies I knew no one else would want to see. As I stepped to the glass doors, I slipped on who knows what and did a header into the doors. Thankfully the glass held but I landed hard on my left knee & left shoulder. I have a HUGE bruise on my left kneecap and a very sore neck, and shoulder. The two teen boys working just stared.

Then last night when me & the kids were leaving the theater, it was raining and as I stepped of the curb, I went flying yet again and this time landed hard over a sewer grate on my left ankle/leg and my right hand. My right hand is incredibly sore and the palm is very swollen along with all the fingers and I have a large bruise on my PALM as well as my wrist. My ankle is very sore & swollen but no bruising.

Several men stopped to help, but my kids were too hysterical wth laughter at my none too graceful flop to help. Thankfully due to the weight loss I was able to make a quick, unassisted, reasonably graceful recovery and get to my feet, but I've been up since 2am with some pain and major hand swelling.

I do think it's funny as I have a big history of falling, tripping over those darn specks of dust and carpet that reaches up and grabs me. So this is nothing new. I do have a lot less padding now, it seems I bruise a lot more.

I've decided to retire the shoes, at least until I can afford to get some kind of anti slip surface on the soles. Don't think they have anti-klutz surfaces for me, though (smile, wink).

Anyway, please excuse any & all typos in this and my previous post. My hand hurts too much to go any more.

Have a great day!!

I think I too would retire the shoes!!! Hope your injuries heal quickly--you are lucky you did not break anything!

Well...my first instict is that it is time for some tough love for your kids. I would sit down, write a simple note to each, detailing the fact that they are no longer small children, they understand how being left out hurts, and yet they seem willing to do it to you...how you could have been hurt, and rather than help they laughed. I would seal it, and put it away. And then I would work on finding things for YOU to do. Right now of course their Dad is Mr. Johnny on the Spot, he is there to do all things, because he is spiting you---so let him do it all! If they don't do their own laundry---let him do it! Let him supply food, and lunch items. Loving your children also means teaching them that every action has a reaction, and teaching them limits, and empathy, not just taking care of them, it is also teaching them to take care of you. And whether it is encouraged by the ex, or is just the big ME teenage years---it is time for them to learn it.

This is hard to do I understand. We went through some issues with our grown son, where we had to be very hard on him, but the things he was doing were not acceptable. And just as hard---was listening to my MIL tell me we had to do it! It is one of those cases where you can detail your own childs (or Mom, or sister...) shortcomings, but you HATE others doing it!!! Please understand I am not saying your kids are bad...mostly they are teenagers. But they may also be teenagers learning to manipulate an already tense situation.

Your ex has proven he is not willing to be part of a parental unit---so screw him!!! YOU found the evidence--he didn't! Where was he? As we all know, he is just saying the words right now....that proves it. From now on, handle what you need to, send him an email, letting him know how you handled it. That covers you for keeping him informed.

As for New Years---go---or go somewhere else! Let them fend for themselves. He wanted the holidays--let him have them. If they need a ride, he can provide it. If you go elsewhere---simply leave a cell number for emergency contact, no one needs to be privy to where you are or what you are doing. It is not his business.

DO NOT allow him to talk down to you like he did in the kitchen. Look him in the eye and tell him to F*#K OFF! And walk out---show him you have a backbone and it WILL support you! What an ASS!

I too have a couple of questions for you....that I hesitate to ask here, he would just read them, and that would ruin it!

TTYL

Kat

OOOOOK Wonderkidsmom:

Is good that you ended a relationship that was unhealthy,but what was your part in this "tango" you danced for so many years??

My husband and presently attend and sometimes direct the Recovery Couples Anonymous in our city. As "A.A" we too follow the 12 steps to recovery.

What happened that you ended up in this situation??? Blaming the hubby is not enough.You need to find out what is that kept you repeating harmful behaviors that affected you and now your children?

(PLease don't take this as an attack ,I'm asking this in the most respectul way, as a mother and as woman).

Does your log name ends in "mom" (wonderkidsmom) because after this years the "woman" or "individual" in you faded?

PLease find counseling for YOURSELF. Don't blame your husband (as bad as he may be) for decissions that you made at one time. And for the decissions you are making now.

Being a woman is a huge blessing. As a woman I understand your pain and as a woman I tell you...blaming others never helped anybody to get out of the bottom of the scum barrel.

Make responsible choices my friend.

God Bless

Teens are weird and they watch movies like Jackass. It may not occur to them that you are not a stuntwoman and that your falls do end up in serious bodily damage. Though your body is hurting try to forget the damage done to your emotions.

And too, they undoubtedly have deeply conflicted emotions about the high drama going on in their homelife. Because you are the one who has decided that life with your husband is no longer tenable, any negative emotions that they might have are likely to attach themselves to you and all of this is being encouraged by your husband who is playing the wounded one.

Once the business of separation and divorce becomes regularized and life calms down, your relationship with them will inevitably begin to mend. You must remember that your kids are teenagers and teenagers do rebel against and resent their parents even when their parents are happy families. This is the nature of the teenage beast. I was sent off to boarding school because I was a 'difficult' kid and stayed there until my terminal year of high school. Then I pulled a stunt that was so heinous that the nuns tossed me out and I finished off my year at the local school. And I was not a bad child by today's standards! I still don't have a rap sheet! LOL

As for your pratfalls, it sounds as though you are a grrl who probably shouldn't be wearing Sex In The City shoes, eh. LOL

I think that the fact that you are choosing to spend time with friends is an excellent move. You need the break both physically and psychologically. And it is a good thing that you are defining yourself as an individual to your family and to yourself; this is the step that you are taking by spending these important holidays with friends instead of opting to remain home alone.

Maro's advice to seek some talk therapy is excellent advice. This is what I have done during every stressful period of my own life. If you have EAP as a resource then you should definitely exploit this because it is available and it is free! Free is always good.

You likely have some sort of medical coverage plan. You should investigate what this covers: psychologists, psychiatrists, or both? In my opinion, a psychologist is more useful for talk therapy and a psychiatrist is valuable because he or she can prescribe medication that you may need on the short term in order to help you get through this. When I speak of medication I am referring to anti-depressants, anti-anxietants and sleeping aids. Of course some psychiatrists wish to engage in talk therapy with their clients and this

can be a good thing.

The important thing is to snoop about, make new contacts, have fun, and get control over your own life. This takes some amount of time, ya know........

MaryKay, you da woman!! I love that post!! And I agree whole-heartedly. Get the heck outta that house!!!

I'm back from my vacation in Hawaii (a wonderful one, I might add!) and just wanted to post a quick warning here. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security because he has given you the password to the spyware. Just because he has given you the password to one program does not mean that he does not have something else installed, so I would still not type anything you do not want him to see from a home computer. Instead, I would use one of the computers at the local library (free) and type anything you do not want him to see from there. Keep in mind that spyware programs also can be set up to send the info to a remote computer. Just be careful -- that would be my best advice to you on that.

 

Definitely toss those shoes. My mom had a pair like that and ended up breaking both a wrist and an elbow (opposite arms) within a matter of weeks. I must confess that I was a teenager when it happened and my sister and I, too, were too busy laughing to help her. We just got angry looks from the folks who assisted her. Until you have been in the situation of seeing your mom sail through the air, please don't be too harsh on the kids. We love our mom and didn't mean to be rude -- it was sort of like the Chuckles the Clown funeral on Mary Tyler Moore -- if any of you are old enough to remember that. Anyway, after the second break she pitched the shoes. The nurse at the ortho doc's office said that they had seen a number of cases like that due to the same type of shoes. (Of course, as she told us the story, we started laughing again -- the visual of multiple airborne moms was just too much to handle.)

 

Feel free to PM me if you wish. I will probably still be the tough love woman, but it doesn't mean that I don't care.

 

MarySue

My advice - stop being the victim. You've gotten excellent advice here. Do what you need to do. Your kids are teenagers. They are acting typical. Don't act so needy. This is a natural passage - even without a divorce. They have their lives. You have yours. Be a parent. They don't need more friends.

 

Above all else stop putting these kids on a guilt trip. They didn't ask to come to your pity party. One day they will be grown and gone away. You will still need to live your life. You won't be able to spend every holiday with them. So enjoy the ones you have and find other times to be a family.

 

Get the divorce over with and start living your life. Contact that lawyer and get things in fast forward. You can do this. You can be happy. You just need to take one step at a time (bare footed) and don't look back.

 

Happy new year!

:violin: BARBARA!!!!

I agree with you 100%.

PLaying the victim is very harmful for the children. It takes two to tango.

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Stop wasting time chatting girlfriend , look for information on the net, and if you are sooo afraid of your husband reading this ...why do you keep doing it????

Ditto on what Barbara wrote.

I have been following your posts, and hope all is well!!! I hope your holidays went smoothly given your situation, and that you are looking forward to a brighter New Year!!!! HUGS, HUGS!!!

God help America!!!!!

PLeease, enough with the WONDERKIDSMOM drama!!!, honestly, the woman keeps saying that she is afraid of her husband reading her posting,and still she keeps writing,everybody tells her to get out or kick the hubby out of her house, but she stays!!! Welcome to LAPBAND TALK...lapband!! not DRAMA-BAND, or POOOR-ME band talk!!!!.

Been there done that, blaming EVERYBODY else does not solve the situation. Find HELP, LEGAL help!!!!!!!!!

I didn't have this board or any other when I went through my divorce, I did however have wonderful friends, who thank God allowed me to vent and whine until the emotions passed. Not all of us go through things in the same way or at the same speed. And when we look at other people's lives, we can always see how to improve them, better than we can when we are trying to actually live through it.

Wonderkidsmom, perhaps you need to move your posts to the Rants and Raves section, where other discussion is open rather than just lapband. I realize, you began discussing things here in a different manner, related to weight loss, than how it has ended up...just hang in there. While we may get frustrated at wanting you to do things our way--you are the one having to make these changes. Sometimes tho, anger and hurt spur you on to DO the things you need to get done. Maybe you can "use" the emotion some of these posts are going to cause you.

I know it took awhile to get through my divorce, through the issues with the child, and the home....and I had way less years invested than you did. It sucked big time, but I got through it and so will you!

Kat

Kat :

You are a sweetheart.

You are wright about having friends that let you vent and rant about a tough or sad situation is a blessing (We all have a story to tell :- ) but there is a point where you have to be honest with yourself and find out what took you to that point of missery.

Actions speak louder then words and the children are watching.

I belong to a group called "Recovering couples anonymous" (same 12 steps as A.A) in this group more then fixing the marriage you fix yourself . Is extremely hard to soul-search and find out how sometimes we are the ones who keep repeating certain behaviors that harm us or others (taking abuse ,being the abuser,staying,leaving..)

Is important to give your children a positive message in the mist of all this chaos ("We all are hurting now, but we can still respect each other and depart in good terms " or "Mom and dad made wrong decissions, please forgive us for the pain this caused you, on my part I promise to stop and think before saying anything negative or placing the blame on you.)

Personally ,I didn't end up divorced only because God is merciful, but I know of the pain and frustration of living in the same house with somebody who is mean and hurtful....please don't misunderstand , but WONDERKIDSMOM wakeup and smell the "You are the only one in control of your life, be a responsible adult now"

PLeease, enough with the WONDERKIDSMOM drama!!!,

*Whew* A voice of compassion you are not.

Everyone has their own way and works things out in their own time. I'm sure she is pretty sick of the drama herself.

When I was going thru my divorce I was very, VERY ANGRY. I just walked about MAD for months... and that isn't really like me. I even got so mad & disgusted at a salesgirl at Sears that I made her cry. I was just a total b*t*h. It was about 5 months into the proceedings when I was out for my evening walk and I was so full of rage I took off and KICKED a brick wall with all my might. Omigosh. My foot hurt so bad!! Right then I imagined how absolutely ridiculous and humilating it would be to break one's toe from kicking a wall in anger. I just thought "WHAT is WRONG WITH ME?!!" And it was that very second that I realized I was not angry-- I was absolutely terrified. I was going to be raising two boys to manhood and trying to provide for them all by myself and it was a pretty daunting prospect. I sat down on the curb and had a good cry. I realized that anger felt a whole lot better to me than the helplessness and fear under it.

I guess I must have been ready to face my fear because that's when I was able to let the anger go.

Emotions make so much more sense when you're not in the middle of them.

Wow. Such anger and resentment to someone just reaching out for compassion.

I started this thread because in my view the band and resulting weight loss & self esteem boost are the reasons for me to see what I should have seen & dealt with many years ago. I wanted to see if others had experienced the same thing because of the band.

I see that people post things about the president, american idol, overpopulation, friends in crisis, moral dilemias, religion and politics, so why am I being attacked? If you don't want to read the thread, then perhaps the easiest thing to do is to not do it.

To those of you who have continued to support me, it means more to me than words can express. Feel free to PM me and I will give you my e-mail address.

If people would care to post their opinions on if I should stop posting I'll consider their arguments. I'm just looking for support during the most difficult time in my life. Sometimes it's easier to pour your heart out to people you've never met who are objective. I don't mind people saying things I don't want to hear, I even appreciate a different perspective, but I do NOT appreciate hostility and people being cruel, I live with that enough.

There is more drama, and I HAVE filed papers 5 weeks ago to get the court to order changes, I was waiting to post until he found out by being served with court papers. Instead he found the court docket so he knows about the motion for temp orders but not the specifics. No court date yet. We are hoping for late January. This lack of information on the posts was on the advice of my attorney. I continue to post to reach out, I don't care if he sees that, I just didn't post details she advised me to keep private. Hopefully this makes sense to you all now.

Thanks again for those who care and have been kind.