Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

Hey, it's great to hear your voice again!!! Let us know what the latest is as soon as you can.:biggrin1:

2/5/07

Sorry so long without posting! Have had trouble getting access to a darn computer that I could actually log on to.

So much drama I'm not sure where to begin. Seems there is drama nearly every day.

I used an existing loan that we'd gotten before I filed for divorce to pay off some credit card debt, transferring the balances to a lower interest rate and helping out debt to income ratio, thinking this would help us both out in the long run, but he's livid.

I work at daughter's school and spoke with the cafeteria mgr about applying for low cost lunches based on my income & they approved her for free lunches. Again, he's livid that his daughter has "been put on welfare", but he has not given her any money for lunches.

There were several bills that he didn't pay ontime & I had to scramble to get them paid before our credit was adversly affected.

Daughter having trouble in school, straight A student always now having 2 failing grades since she went weeks without turning work in, and she's in danger of failing a third. I've spoken to her teachers and her and trying to co-parent with him but he doesn't work with me.

I've tried to make an appointment with a counselor for her after twice speaking to her pediatrician & school counselor about this plus her emotional outbursts I have seen (he of course thinks everythings ok).

Our court date to address everything is at the end of MARCH (I filed in november for emergency orders), He's given me a settlement proposal that is ok except we're night & day on the money of course. I counter proposed and he said see you in court. This is the date when the judge will also address getting him out of the house.

I'm trying hard to keep sane, spending as much time with my daughter as I can, but I leave from around 7-10pm most nights to be away from him. He's saying he's worried I'll leave her home alone @ night (she's 14) but I only leave to escape the stress & tension & work out & be with friends.

He's begun to be out overnight from 10p-2 or 3am several nights a week himself.

I'm holding on as best I can, sleeping & eating better off & on. Trying hard to take care of me. I saw a bumper sticker in a store tis weekend that said "Every Day Above Ground is a Good Day!" I'm adopting that motto!

Input, advice, support? (Still never a PM from that person who slammed me but many supportive ones, thanks)

Thanks again for keeping up with me & helping me stay afloat in this ocean of despair.

All I can tell you is to stay stong. I hope you can work everything out with your daughter. Hopefully, her teachers will let her turn in the things she didn't, if you tell them what has been happening. Otherwise, all I can recommend is that you try to find a way to move out of the house and take your daughter with you.

Until your daily life settles down your DD will probably have trouble. How could she not? She is having to live the drama of your life. I don't see that you have many choices since you can't get him to leave temporaily until the judge orders the settlement.

Again, I just wouldn't worry about the credit rating right now. I wouldn't be bailing him out of debt he is not paying. Wait until the judge orders the settlement. If he doesn't want her to be getting free lunches he knows what he can do about it.

Stay strong. You have about 6 weeks before court. You can do this.

It is good to hear from you but I do have a few questions. It seems that your financial standing/credit rating is still very much a joint thing. Does this mean that even though you are in the process of filing for divorce you are still fiscally-speaking regarded as a unit?

If so, this means that he has you by the figurative short and curlies, as you do him, of course. Bad financial behaviour by either one of you will hold the other partner hostage and can, if unchecked, smash the innocent participant's economic standing into smithereens. It seems to this grrl that you must become financially unhooked with respect to your former partner's behaviour ASAP. You must talk to your lawyer about this issue.

Your post is also unclear as to the set-up at home with you, your daughter, and your husband. Is he supposed to be living inside the matrimonial home at night and thus minding your 14 year-old daughter while you vacate the premises in order to get a decent night's sleep elsewhere? -A good move, in my opinion. If this is the case, what is he whining about? He gets to sleep at home and the attendant responsibility is that he keep an eye on your daughter. He cannot be the one to occupy the contested property and then feel deprived because he cannot live a child-free life. Offer to swap places with him. Also document this problem: the judge will be most interested in his attitude of, well, wanting his cake and eating it.

It sounds as though your daughter is also going through a rough time of it. Is she in touch with her older brother? He may be able to help her in a way that neither you nor your ex-husband can.

It sounds as though you have made some very smart moves with respect to your finances and to giving your daughter's school a heads up about the turmoil at home.

UPDATE 3/2/07

Divorce decree is being typed by my attorney, we've come to an agreement. If he holds up his end we should be final in about a month! If not, our court date is 3 weeks away.

I've found an apartment and move on April 7th with My daughter. She is improving her grades in school. My son seems to be getting slowly used to the idea of all this.

I have a new job within the same company but at a different location with a different boss. I'm sad to leave current job where I've been for 7 years and love everyone, but boss made my life hell. Actually got written up for being "too magnetic"...

I did have another episode of A-fib and would up in the hospital a few weeks ago, which made me go to soon to be ex hubby and show him the results (still trying to determine root cause) and we talked for 2 hrs to work things out. Think he was shaken because it ahppened @ my work and they wanted to call 911 but I made them call him instead when they couldn't reach anyone else.

The doctor said I literally wouldn't survive allstress I was under. I still have trouble sleeping & eating but hanging in there.

Any feedback?

Again, just hang in there. You are almost done!

It is always sad when a marriage ends. My first marriage lasted 15 years, and only that long because I did not want to "divorce" his family. We had 2 children at the time, a girl,9 and a boy,7. It ended when it did because he was unfaithful and he asked for the divorce. I am still very close to his family. On the day the divorce was final, I doubted I would ever find anyone who would/could love me again. I have since been married to the most wonderful man in the world for going on 17 years and gave birth to 2 more boys that we adore. It's funny how life turns out. Never in my life would I encourage anyone to get a divorce without giving every effort to make it work. It sounds like you have done that and are deserving of so much more. Best of luck for your future. You have earned it.

So glad to hear that things are finally moving forward. The new job could be a real blessing. All new beginnings. Try to keep the stress down. Your daughter and you can have a good life. You just need to move forward.

Keep us informed of your progress.

Hey You!!

Glad you checked in with us, been wondering about you! So is he moving too---or just buying out your equity? Either way it should give you a bit of a nest egg. I agree with barbara, ALL new beginings. Glad your daughter has adjusted, it is hard to know how they will react to anything when they are teenagers!!

Keep an eye on your health---let us know how things are going. You will soon be off to a fabulous new adventure!!!

Get all this behind you, and you will feel much better I bet on it!

Tell us about your new place---and your new job!!!

Kat

UPDATE 3/2/07

 

Divorce decree is being typed by my attorney, we've come to an agreement. If he holds up his end we should be final in about a month! If not, our court date is 3 weeks away.

 

I've found an apartment and move on April 7th with My daughter. She is improving her grades in school. My son seems to be getting slowly used to the idea of all this.

 

I have a new job within the same company but at a different location with a different boss. I'm sad to leave current job where I've been for 7 years and love everyone, but boss made my life hell. Actually got written up for being "too magnetic"...

 

I did have another episode of A-fib and would up in the hospital a few weeks ago, which made me go to soon to be ex hubby and show him the results (still trying to determine root cause) and we talked for 2 hrs to work things out. Think he was shaken because it ahppened @ my work and they wanted to call 911 but I made them call him instead when they couldn't reach anyone else.

 

The doctor said I literally wouldn't survive allstress I was under. I still have trouble sleeping & eating but hanging in there.

 

Any feedback?

Yow! I am so glad to hear from you, grrl. I have been wondering how you have been getting on for the longest time now. I know I coulda PM-ed you or e-mailed you but I didn't want yer husband to get into the info exchange.

Your latest news is very good news. and:clap2: from Green, eh. Please keep us in the loop.

I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough time, I hope all works out for you!

Glad to hear that things are moving forward. Endings are always difficult, but this one will lead to a great new drama-free beginning for you and your children. Congratulations on the new job, too! Too magnetic? Eeks! You definitely made a wise move.

Best wishes on your new life...

MarySue

UPDATE: 4/1/07

We are divorced!!!

We signed the divorce papers last week. I am moving into my own apartment this Friday. Start my new job the next week.

I am very happy.

Only bad thing is that the same day that we signed the papers I was coming home from a wonderful dinner with my son and daughter at college and it was pouring rain (an odd occurance for Phoenix) and I was t-boned.

My car will be in the shop for another month and the repair costs are $8,000. I got a ticket for technically running the red light (tried to stop but hydroplayend into intersection). Have traffic school in 2 weeks to erase the ticket.

Daughter was with me but thankfully aside from some bruses & soreness, we both and the other driver are all fine. Hoping my insurance doesn'y raise my rates or cancel, and that the other driver doesn't sue.

Ex-husband has a girlfriend and is gone almost every night from the house from 11pm - 4am. He doesn't believe that I don't care, I really don't. I have asked him to not have the girlfriend over when my daughter is at his place.

Also, according to divorce papers he's supposed to pay my first payments and moving expenses today but says that he won't until the court gets wage assignment arranged (takes 60 days) UGH!

Wish me luck on this new adventure, I am overwhelmed with all the changes at once but am excited too. Also, I've been asked out on 2 dates. Have declined.

Thanks to all for all the wonderful support. I'm thinking of changing my screen mae to reflect this new beginning, any feedback?

Congratulations! Wow, that's odd to say in the event of a divorce. But anyway, good for you!

Also, according to divorce papers he's supposed to pay my first payments and moving expenses today but says that he won't until the court gets wage assignment arranged (takes 60 days) UGH!

To me, this doesn't bode well for him doing what he is supposed to do in terms of support. Seems like he's going to try everything he can think of to get out of it. I'd recommend calling your lawyer to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. If he isn't abiding by the divorce agreement less than a week after being divorced, he won't later on, either.