Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

Hey WKMom, congratulations on getting out of a bad situation! However hard the next few months will be, you've taken a huge step and should be very proud of yourself. Your new life will come togther in time, and this time on YOUR terms.

 

The car accident sucks, but thank goodness no one was hurt. If there is a suit, your loss of control will count in your favor. Good luck with everything, and stay strong!

Glad you are finally able to move on. Its been a long road, but now you have a new beginning. Love the fact that he has a girlfriend. Says lots about him and all the manuevering he did during the process.

Sorry to hear about your accident. Seems like a $8,000 accident should have totaled your car. Good luck on all of that.

Don't look back now. Just go forward. Let go of all the hatred and misgivings. It is now trulya time for new beginnings.

Glad to see you back, and that you are so upbeat. It is time for a whole new begining!

The accident will be behind you soon too. If there is a suit, you will get through it, same as everything else. Let the insurance help you.

As for a new name....it needs to be something focusing on you and your new start. I'll think on it!!! We will find you something fitting!

Tell us all about your apartment!

I have to go for now, we are headed to dinner----some of those plans you try every thing you can think of to get out of, and it happens anyway!!!!

Kat

This is great news...definitely a year of new beginnings for you...new job...new single mom life...good stuff, indeed!

My only advice to you would be to take the dating thing slowly (sounds like you are already doing that). This has been a rough time for your kids and they still need time to heal before they start watching mom go out on dates. My best advice to any of my newly-divorced friends is to take a good long while to get used to the new 'single you' first...then to ease into the dating thing.

Sounds like your ex has not changed one bit or learned from this. Sounds like he still wants to keep the drama and control thing going for as long as he can. Don't expect his antics to change much, but don't let that phase you in the least. Keep your chin up and just keep moving forward and be the best mom that you can be. Your daughter needs you now more than ever.

Best wishes!

MarySue

I'm so glad that legally, at least, most of the hardest part is behind you. That's not to say that this will be easy, as you already know. Someone who posted earlier suggested having your lawyer nip the payment deferment in the bud...sounds like a good idea to me if she can do it. I was divorced 12 years ago (my choice) and have gone through years of no child support and am now getting $50 per month, which I'll be getting till I'm in the nursing home at this rate. If she can keep him on the straight and narrow about tending to his obligations from the start, it will be easier than trying to "catch up" later.

You have been in my thoughts often, even when I haven't been here for a long time. Congratulations on making it through a really tough time. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for! Best of luck as you continue your journey, and may the rest be more joyful!

Emily

I am really pleased to hear that you have finally chased this man away. He does sound like a destructive and spiteful individual and it is a good thing that he has another woman to play with. Unfortunately it does seem that you will be stuck with on-going hassles when it comes to him coming across with his share of the marital cash. You must discuss this aspect of your divorce with both your lawyer and the judge.

As for your new name, and certainly you should have one, how about something along the line of FreeMom? or JustMe&2kids?

Congratulations, grrl, and please keep us in the loop.

Congratulations on finally having enough self-esteem and self-respect to leave a damaging relationship. I am VERY PROUD OF YOU!!! Any man that tells you that you are lucky he came around and puts you down is emotionally abusive. I went through a similar experience... married an emotionally abusive man at a time that I had no sense of self-worth. I know the struggle that comes along with life with someone like that. Mind you my marriage only lasted a year... but it was still painful to live with an emotionally abusive person. Don't let anyone bring you down again. You have finally realized that you deserve to be treated better and never forget that. Don't worry about what his family thinks... remember that most emotional abusers have been emotionally abused themselves by their family... they may be trying to tear down your self-esteem so that you will stay with him... because chances are they all know that HE is the lucky one. It can be very difficult, so stay strong... stay sexy... and if you need any additional encouragement, you can always come to me!!

I was thinking of something along the line of Free2BMe....now thatcha are!!!

Kat

Hoping my insurance doesn'y raise my rates or cancel, and that the other driver doesn't sue.

 

Oh, I can tell you about how this part works. In the state of Arizona (don't know about any other states) an insurance co cannot cancel your policy due to accidents. As long as you pay your premiums on time they are not able to cancel you. They cannot decline to renew your policy.

 

However, what they can do if they don't want you as their insured anymore is to raise your premiums so much you can't pay them, but they can't cancel you.

 

I was hit by an older man that had been in one accident after another, all his fault. I was talking to his insurance co and asked why he still has insurance and a license. She is the one that explained that to me.

 

BTW, we have a group of bandsters that go to lunch monthly or so. It's pretty informal. We are due to go again very soon. We meet at Sweet Tomatoes off of I17/Dunlap on Saturdays. We don't have the next one planned but if you are near there and would like to meet some other Phx Bandsters, you are more than welcome to join us. Just PM me and I'll give you the details.

I'm chiming in a bit late, but I have to agree with the idea that you need to talk to your lawyer about him not paying the moving expenses he was required. If you don't show him right away that you aren't going to mess around with the money thing, he'll take you for a ride. My father made exactly 2 child support payments in the 12 years he was required to, and my mom didn't have the money to do anything about it at the beginning, and now that she's doing well with money she doesn't see a reason to go after him. If you have the means, don't let this linger.

 

How is your daughter doing? You mentioned before that she'd gone from an A student to failing classes. Has she started to balance out a bit?

FINAL UPDATE!! 4/10/07

I AM LEGALLY DIVORCED (had been waiting on judge to sign) and in my new digs! Love the apartment!!!

He DID pay me the moving expenses & 1st support check as he was to do.

I found out that he'd been on match.com dating for quite some time now and he said he was "getting laid" a lot. I asked why it hadn't improved his disposition...petty I know but I couldn't resist!

I filed a formal complaint with the HR department at work about all the problems there, will keep you updated on all that.

I'm getting a huge "surprise" (someone slipped) going away party at work this thursday after work and they're raising a big wad of cash for me. Some kind soul has also been leaving me treasure hunt hints and daily small gifts for over two weeks now and it totally makes my day.

We have almost 200 employees and all but 2 have e-mailed and/or expressed in person how much they hate to see me lwave & will miss me. Makes me feel good.

Daughter is back on track and son even came down from college and while he refused to help me move, he did come & check out the apartment and hook up the cable. Small steps I guess.

Also, I had to buy a new computer and should have it up and running soon (no internet connection yet am doing this @ work) so hopefully I can post more often.

Lastly, have decided that as soon as I get computer running at home, I am changing my name on this board to BUTTERFLY07.

The butterfly has come to be my symbol of my transformation...

Again, a HUGE thank you to everyone for EVERY BIT OF ADVICE & SUPPORT AND EVEN THE KICKS IN THE BEHIND!! You helped me through.

I think I'm gonna make it through and be better than ever!

Feedback?

Feedback????? Ummmm how about.....BRAVO!!!!!! WAY TO GO GIRL!!!!! I am proud of you!

Kat

Love the new name and think that it is most appropriate!!! Keep us in the loop, eh.

I must have missed the new job part. I hope its a good move for you. You are on your way now. You have been set free Ms. Butterfly!

We are all so very proud of you, girlie!!! We can just hear you 'glowing' from here. Your energy, your enthusiasm, your happiness and contentment just bubble right off the screen!

You have just come through an incredibly difficult chapter of your life with dignity and grace. Sure...there were a few little speed bumps along the way...but you and your kids made it.

I know I always preach taking the high road, but was literally laughing out loud at your quick response to his 'getting laid' comment. Touche! It was a perfect response.

This will be a year of positive new chapters for you -- both your new life at home and at work. Your son sounds like he is already coming around in his own way. It may take some time, but allow him those baby steps. While you are thrilled (and rightfully so)...it may take him a little more time to come around.

What a great new name...this is, indeed, just the beginning of a great new life for you!

Hugs and best wishes...

MarySue