Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

This is good news...I am glad that you got to spend a nice big chunk of time with her going over everything. I agree with Kat. Rest up and take care of yourself. You will need it. Be prepared, too, for his reaction once he hears back from his attorney re: the new proposals. That is why you need to rest and stay strong. If he starts to try to engage you in anything over this, the best thing to do is to politely walk away.

Sending hugs...M.

Sleep is a wonderful thing. Just continue to hold on, everything will workout just fine.

Glad you got to talk with your lawyer in depth. Keep your spirits high. The best thing to do is refer him to your lawyer every time he tries to engage in war. Rest and peace are key components for you keeping your emotions on an even keel. Do something nice for yourself, even if it renting a hotel room on a Saturday afternoon and getting some rest and down time. Be kind to yourself.

Just a quick update. Last night he asked what my attorney and I had talked about and I just looked at him and said I was too tired to talk to him, and my lawyer was contacting his for some information.

Today he came home and didn't llok at speak to me all night. If he asks again I plan to just repeat my answer.

I took another benadryl and got 5 more hrs sleep. Plan to do the same again tonight.

I dread the weekends...Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers...I will need them both I think.

Thanks for everything!!

:angry This morning he informed me that he won't be giving me anymore money for gas. He had been giving me $20 a week but now says that since I work at the same school she attends, it doesn't cost me any additional money to take her to/from school every day.

He makes 30% more a month than I do, I already have less than $100 left a month -after paying my 1/2 of the bills- for food, gas, etc. Meantime he keeps taking our daughter out to dinner, movies, ice cream, etc. I have no money for this.

He also went out thursday night to see my son at college and now (again) my son is kind of abrupt with me.

I'm staying on the high ground here and not saying anything bad about their father, but it's killing me that my son seems to be being fed some you know what about me. Does the fact that I don't defend myself make me look bad in an almost 18 year old's eyes?

I'm dying inside. HELP!

Perhaps it is time that you speak to your son about the situation.

Hang in there and stay strong. He is still playing the games and, sadly, using the kids as the pawns. As hard as it is, I would not try to justify or defend anything that you suspect he is badmouthing you about. Just keep being there for your kids -- they are going to need you to be their rock, especially after the novelty of being Disneyland Dad wears off or when he gets mad again because things are not going his way in the divorce proceedings. You will look better in the long run to the kids if you just stay strong and make sure that they always know you are there for them. Otherwise it will become a tit for tat battleground and the kids will be smack dab in the middle of it.

I would just keep reminding them that you love them and that nothing in your relationship with them has changed -- nor will it. You might want to say that you know that this is a confusing time for them, but also remind them that just because you and their dad will no longer be together that you will ALWAYS be there for them. Let them know that you love them -- and it doesn't have to be with dinner out and movies. When I was first divorced, I found more 'free' things to do with my kids than you could have imagined. Granted, they were younger so it was easier to convince them to do those sorts of things with mom, but I still do 'freebies' with my kids now and they are 22 and 16. It can be as simple as sitting down and making a 'date' to watch a TV show with your daughter every week. With your son, it might be as simple as baking a batch of his favorite Cookies and sending them to him as a 'care package', like our parents used to do when we were in college. It's the little stuff that will make all the difference in the world. These are the things they will remember and your consistency will be what helps them through this.

As far as the financial end goes, what if you stopped paying your half of the bills for now -- with the exception of gas and food? He will squawk, but let him. I doubt he will let the utilities get turned off or the mortgage go unpaid. You can play hardball, too. If he gives you grief about it, tell him to have his attorney talk to yours. I'll bet that if there is an inequity in the salaries, they surely won't expect you to be 50% responsible for things like loans, credit cards, mortgage and utilities. If nothing else, it will show him that you are not going to take his shenanigans lying down and that you are, indeed, a force to be reckoned with. Don't get sucked into an emotional war of words over it...just stop paying your half of the bills. He'll huff and puff and stomp around, but so what? He's already doing that. If nothing else, you will have one less area where you are stressed.

Other than that, just keep letting your kids know that you love them. That is the biggest thing. If one of them says something inaccurate that sounds like it is totally untrue, you might want to just say, "Where did you get that idea?" ...and then set the record straight without any badmouthing. Just the facts, ma'am...just tell them what the true story is without any blame or malice toward dad. That would be the absolute MOST that I would get into discussion with them...but even then, it is tricky. Do not bring the topics up or lead them into talking about it. That is not fair to them. They already probably feel put in the middle enough by dad. You need to always take the high road -- no matter what.

They may break your heart for a while by taking sides as this is all going on, but keep in mind that they are children -- even the 18 year old -- and that this is even harder on them that it is on you. Just love them, love them, love them. Support them, listen to them and be there for them. It will all pay off in the end.

You shouldn't be paying anymore now then you did when you were a couple. Stop paying 1/2 of the bills. Don't bring your money home. Let him pay. He can't force you out and you can't seem to get him to leave. Let him pay for everything. Then if you need to you can go out to eat your meals!

Hang in there. It's going to get tougher as you go on. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Treat yourself good and continue to take the high road. You will be there for your kids when they need you. You won't be able to change their minds so let them have their opinions. Let them know you are there for them. That's all you can do.

Update (10/31/06)

He's still crazy. I've been sick, which is very rare for me, (just a bad head cold) and he brought home a hamburger for me (along with himself and our daughter) tonight, and even had them put on extra pickles like I like it. I thanked him & offered to pay and he said $2 wouldn't break his bank.

Then after our daughter went out with some friends to trick or treat, he started to harass me about signing permission for him to take the kids out of state over Thanksgiving - which is also our daughter's birthday.

I had already said I would do this but see no rush as it's 3 weeks away. He then threatened to take me to court if I don't write it up by the end of the week and said then I'd have to pay court expenses once the judge ordered me to write permission. I again explained that I had always said yes just didn't answer to his timelines, that I would have the permission to him in the next week or so. Than he said he'd just sue me. I relied that he should knock humself out.

I also told him that the reason he hadn't gotten a response to his settlement proposal was because my attorney had left 4 msgs for his requesting paperwork like paystubs, written info on his profit sharing & bonus program structure, etc. His lawyer doesn't have a secretay or return her calls. I suggested he get his attny to coperate so we can get this settled and he ignored me.

Also, this weekend he stated since I work at our daughter's school he's decided not to pay me any more gas money, then gave me $30 for the week's groceries and demanded change & a receipt.

I plan to call my lawyer tomorrow about the latest. I also want to know from her what happens if his attny doesn't respond, I would really like some more solid plans in place with timelines. Is that reasonable? I think it's when I am so out of control that I feel worst.

Being so sick & unable to sleep (again) doesn't help. The good news is because my throat hurts so badly I am drinking lots and lots of Water.

All input is appreciated. Thanks everyone.

OK, more craziness. Last night he actually stayed in the same room with me and cried, saying did I know how hard it was for him on tuesday not to take care of me when I was so sick. I said that since he yelled at me that night and was pretty nasty, no, I had no idea, it seemed pretty easy.

Then he says how much he still loves me and that he keeps hoping that one morning I will wake up and change my mind. I told him that we have been over this a million times before and I really didn't want to cover the same thing anymore as there was nothing more to say.

We than had a reasonably sane, calm discussion about money and could we agree. Then he got hostile again and nasty. Then he calmed down and offered me use of the master bathroom tub (I used to take a nightly soak) WHILE HE WAS IN THE ROOM. I declined.

Today there's another nasty e-mail.

My lawyer still can't reach his lawyer and neither can he. Apparently the guy's a one man operation with no staff at all. My husband says he picked him because he heard that the guy can get mean. Is it me of am I married to a bi-polar personality?

I have forwarded my attorney all the e-mails he sends, and she said that in her opinion he has a few screws loose, and for the first time in 15 years or family law practice, someone labeled food.

I am still on an emotional rollercoaster. I do feel bad that he is hurting so, but when I look at him I feel nothing more than friendship. I just wish this would be over soon and settled so I can move out and move on.

Anyone have any insight?

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom, but wanted to send you a hug. I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope it will be over soon. When I was getting divorced my ex's attorney was similarly nonresponsive; it took my getting ENGAGED to get them off the stick and get everything signed. But we weren't living together and I wasn't suffering because of it.

Good luck with everything. Remember to be good to yourself and don't forget to tell your kids you love them, too. This too shall pass and you'll have your freedom. :hug:

I hope that things are getting better for you. I was reading an article last week about families. Iam not sure what magazine or paper it was in. They were talking about all the differant types of families and lifestyles they live. I saw one about a divorce family and I thought about you. This couple continued to live in the same house. The wife moved into the basement and set up here place and the husband lived upstairs with the kids. This allowed the family to be together even though the husband and wife were no longer married. This also allowed them to help with expense etc. They also had set up rules and how each could visit the kids etc. This worked out real well from what the article had said. This might be something for you to look at since it sounds like you both love the kids and then your concered with money etc. I have not been through divorce, we have come close to doing it we were able to work things out. It mainly had to deal with money issues. So it hard to give advice here. You have to go with your gut and sometimes think outside the box for help, advice and answers. I hope this will help you out a bit. We are all here praying for you and your familiy. Remeber to take care of yourself first and remind the kids daily how much you love and care for them.

Chris in St. Louis:)

Here we go again. After a reasonable day, he's off to crazy town again. Wish they would cancel that express bus..lol

My lawyer sent me a sample parenting plan, which husband and I had already discussed and mostly agreed on. I tried to be cooperative & took my revisions up to him and he was going along ok then suddenly exploded at this paragraph (in summary):

If one parent has to go out of town or be away overnight during their week, the other parent will be contacted first to pick up our daughter and keep her with them during the other parent's absence. The other parent will keep the child until their return or their week starts. If the other parent then agrees or chooses, the child may be placed with a grandparent or trusted family member/friend instead.

What I mean by this is that if he has to go out of town for work or whatever and it falls on his week, I will have our daughter, rather than say his mother, another relative or (down the road) a girlfriend. That I as her mother (and vice versa in all of this) have priority over anyone else.

He somehow took this as me having a problem with our daughter staying with his mother - which I don't she is simply not her mother and his mom lives about 45 minutes away from us. I tried explaining this but he won't listen to me.

He then said we'd have to go to court over this, as he wouldn't agree to it now. I DON"T GET HIM!!! ARGH!!!!!

Anyone see a problem with this? Any ideas on what I can do differently? Any peeks into the workings of a crazy man?

As always help & support deeply appreciated. Here we go again, another weekend in hell. Boy, I remember a time when I looked forwar to the wekend.

I am actually thankful for this outburst as it reminds me that this kind of behavior is why I'm divorcing him, he's unstable and tries to make everything my fault.

ps - things rough at work too...I feel like there is almost nowhere I can go to be free.

Here's something to think about... Are you sure he isn't monitoring your computer keystrokes, emails and postings? Programs that email him a copy of everything you type are very easy and fairly cheap. Do you run a spyware program? He could garner an awful lot of information that way if you aren't careful. This could cause problems if you use email to correspond with your attorney. If you don't already you should run a spyware everyday to make sure he doesn't start this if he hasn't thought of it already.

I don't have any words of wisdom...just a hug to send. I feel so bad for all the stress and roller coaster emotions you are going through. It must be incredibly frustrating to want to get on with your life and have people playing games with you. Please be good to yourself and try not to let him make you nuts...sounds like he's a master manipulator! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Emily