Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

I think shaunaruder hit it on the head that somehow my being void of self esteem empowered him, and that it's not fair for him to try and check in now after at least 15 years of being checked out.

Nothing happened today, he came home & we both went about our separate business. I went to the gym for 2 hrs and worked out then got gas in my car (used a joint credit card) & came home to watch TV & go to bed.

Tomorrow the divorce papers are supposed to come in the mail and he said that he would accept service which means that he takes a form to the bank to be notarized and return it to my lawyer. If he doesn't, I have to hire a process server to serve him at work.

I have kept calling my son at college every day and having daily talks with my daughter as well and I have taken your advise and repeating to them that this is not in any way having anything to do with them.

I even told them both that this is not their burden, that their burden is to be good human beings, students and have fun in life. I also told them both that they have the right to say to myself or their father that they don't want to hear it if something is said that makes them in any way uncomfortable.

My son seems a bit more like his old self, and I have told them both that the bottom line is that I'll allways be there for them and no matter what their mother and father will always love them very much.

The support and comfort from all of you continues to keep me afloat, please acceot my depest thanks!

I'm so sorry for all of this. My parents divorced after almost 35 years of marriage. It STILL sucked for me, and I was in my 30's at the time. For the kids, it's never easy. I applaud what you have been telling your kids, especially the part about being able to say STOP if there's something they don't want to hear. It's important for you to remember the difference between him being your husband...or soon-to-be Ex, and him being their Dad. Continue to be careful. Respect the man that is their Dad. If there's something unrespectable about him, he'll show them just fine without your words.

Another thing that helped me after their divorce was realizing that they didn't have to be married for us to be a family. We were still a family. A bit broken, and worse for wear, but a family. It took about a year for that to sink in, but if you can send that message to your kids, it will help, I'll bet.

10 years later, my Mom is remarried and we ALL get together regularly at my house AND at hers. Yes, my Dad, Mom, her hubby, ALL of us. And it's wonderful. It can happen.

I also agree with the "sleep with one eye open" advice you got from LadyK. It's early in the game for you. Take no chances on your future and financial security. Good luck. I'm sorry you are going through this.

This morning my husband and I got into an argument (I served him the divorce papers yesterday) and he was so hostile!

He said what did I expect when all through our marriage I was this overweight, unattractive, unhappy person. How could I have expected him to love me or feel anything for me?

He also called me money hungry with dollar signs in my eyes because I won't agree to the small amount of money he is proposing to give me eachmonth (he makes 30k per year more than I do, I am at the federal poverty level on my income alone). I just want enough to afford an apartment & basic cost of living bills. In AZ to get an apartment you must have income 3x the monthly rent to be accepted.

There is a specific figure I need from him for that and it's the very low end of the "guidelines" the state would award me, that's what I am asking for. He wants to keep the house and have me sign over all rights to the house. In the bad housing market, we would actually lose money if we sold and houses are taking 6+ months to sell in my area. He wants to assume most of the debt which would be great for me but I still will need to get a second job over the summer (I work at a school) and I still need enough income each month to meet the monthly bills.

Then he took off again in my car, informing me that he had taken the title to the car over a month ago and had it at his office.

Then - get this - he said he was hostile because he loved me (since when?) and was in pain because I was tearing his family apart.

Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.

Unfortunately, it will get uglier before it gets better. My advice to you is to stay strong. He will likely waffle between being Mr. Contrite and Dad of the Year to the A@@h*le that you are seeing now. Do not waver. Do not bend. Do not let him EVER see a chink in your armour. You are in control of your life now and THAT is what is killing him.

My husband reacted the very same way.

The best advice I can give you is something my attorney said to me when I met with him and filed for my own divorce:

"MarySue...Do not...I repeat...do NOT...forget what I am about to say. From this point forward decisions will hae to be made. Remember this...that when you make those decisions you must take the emotions out of those decision. Everything you do from this point forward MUST be what is in the best interest of yourself and your kids. You need to think practically and financially from this point forward and NOT emotionally."

I heeded his advice and my ex continued to show his true colors. Your car title example is very similar to some of the things I experienced. Keep in mind, though, that it doesn't matter if the title is at his office or in your sock drawer -- your name is on that title and it is just as much your car as his.

Here are some other important things to remember to do:

1. Talk to your atty about getting a temporary order for child support and, if your state allows it and your situation warrants it, alimony. Also see about getting temporary custody of the kids and possession of the house. I know that two weeks after I filed, we had a hearing and I got temporary custody of the kids and temporary possession of the house. It is pretty standard in most states, I think -- you can let them know that you need to stay in the family home to care for your daughter. Ask your lawyer about this -- it is pretty standard stuff.
   
2. NEVER show your hand. I don't care how well you are getting along or how sweet he is being at a given moment (and he will at some point) -- do NOT let your guard down. Do not tell him that you are going the your atty to discuss these things -- just do them. Otherwise it will give him time to prepare a counterattack and get to his atty first.
   
3. Keep extra sets of keys to both vehicles hidden away.
   
4. Open your own bank account and do not put one more cent into the joint account(s).
   
5. Password everything on your computer.
   
6. Do not let him take anything out of the house that you have not mutually agreed upon. If he starts to do this, call your atty right away.
   
7. Do NOT settle for anything less than you deserve. If the state guidelines indicate a range -- do not settle for the lowest amount of that range. You will have to live with those decisions for years to come if you do. These are decisions that will impact your children's care and education. Again, your lawyer can guide you on this.
   
8. Make sure that there is something in the divorce agreement that addresses that he will be responsible for at least 50% of your childrens' college educations and for at least 50% of their health and dental insurance. Make sure that it is stipulated that he have a life insurance policy for a dollar amount that your atty can recommend and that your kids are the beneficiaries of that policy.

I am trying to remember other things and, as I do, I will PM them to you. Just don't let him bully or intimidate you -- that is the main thing.

Be prepared, though -- as he sees you becoming more and more empowered, he will likely react negatively.

I am sorry to hear that I wish you the best and your children too. I have had more than one sister that went through divorce and it was not easy for them. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. If there is anything I can let me know. I have had a break up that very hard for me but my partner now is truly a blessing.

Hope this find you doing well

My advice is to go for as much as the courts will allow. This gives you bargaining power. Going for the least is not going to stir up sympathy from a judge. They usually will require each party to "give a little". If you are on the border to support yourself, you'll be below it in a compromise. By going for less than the maximum you are sending a message that you don't deserve what the law allows. The law is designed to be fair. Don't worry about your ex. He's taken care of his needs. He's probably been hiding money from you for years. He took the title to your car a month ago didn't he?

The one thing I can think of to add to mary sue's excellent list of Do's is to get a notebook, and handwrite a detailed log. Include date, time and what was said, for instance in regard to him telling you he took the title a month ago, or that he wants you and your DD out of the house...whatever. Keep it chronological. The judge who heard my DD's case stated that it being handwritten, and dated chronologically, showed her the items mentioned had not been made up to fit a certain arguement at any certain time. Another thing that her attorney advised her to do, was concerning something her soon to be ex did that was borderline illegal at his job. He had her write it down, date it, and seal it in an envelope, and mail it to herself...when it come in the mail, put it away, unopened. Now if ever this issue comes up concerning his job, she is protected, and has dated proof of when she made the claim.

My DH's ex moved without telling us a new address, and we did the same with our CS checks that came in the return mail, held them still in the unopened envelopes. When she moved out of the new boyfriends house, she suddenly took us to court saying he had been neglect in paying his support. We had proof in the returned unopened envelopes, each containing a check. That the judge did NOT award her!!! She (the judge) actually held her in contempt, and fined her!

Document EVERYTHING!!!! If there is ever a doubt of your safety or that of your childs, or he threatens his own life, call the police, and pick up a copy of the report!

Like you have been advised, try to remain as unemotional as possible, and I know that is hard, whether the actual ending of the marriage hurts more, ot the death of the dream of what you hoped it would be hurts more is hard to say. But you have to play your cards close and keep steady, let all the emotion come from him. Save your need to comfort for your kids and yourself. Begin making a new life for yourself, whether it is going to the dollar movie night each week, or finding a new church family...anything make some changes for YOU. My Grandma used to tell me "to change anything, you have to change something.

Good Luck to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this, I know it isn't easy! Been there.....but survived it and you will too!!!

Kat

Thanks to all of you for the excellent advice. My best friend has also been advising me to document everything and I have been reluctant but not anymore.

I am also blessed that 3 of my good friends are local police officers whom I have known for years so I've been telling them everything, because if they need to testify in court they can. Plus, I have all of them on speed dial on my cell phone should that need arise.

Everytime I thnk about giving in to get it over with, all of you are right there to support me through this and help my resolve. Between you all and my local friends, I am truly blessed.

My favorite all time movie is the Wizard of Oz and my life motto is a quote, from when the wizard gives the Tinman his heart, he says "A heart is not judged by how much YOU love, but by how much you are loved by OTHERS". I feel very loved.

My deepest gratitude to all of you. I will continue to post the saga of my life and request support if that's all right.

Its more than alright that is what we ae here for is to support each other any way we can. My thoughts are with you

No, you are not crazy, just a woman who is trying to make her life better. Please, if you do nothing, get the maximum financial support the law allows. The minimum amount of financial support will only meet your needs. What about sports, clothing, school events for your children, vacations with your children. I promise you, your ex-husband will not pay one red cent over what the courts are requiring him to pay. So your children will have to go without, and that is not right.

It has been years, but I think I got a copy of the title from the state for one of our cars.

I know your life is stressful, but make time for you; make sure that you are getting your exercise and hopefully restful sleep. Sleep and exercise will keep you at the top of your game, as you go through your divorce. Hang in there girl.

Well, here's the latest. Now he says he doesn't like the wording on the custody section of my divorce filing. It says that we would have "joint legal custody" with "the mother having primary physical custody".

He says that since he is trying to keep the house and we've lived in this house 1 year and 1 day, this is her primary residence. And he should eb the one with Primary physical custody.

I am apalled. Until I filed for divorce and he suddenly became "disneyland dad", he rarely could be bothered to do anything with my daughter (som lives away at college) and I used to beg him to do something with her. Now suddenly he is very active with her and does lots of stuff with her. Before I was the parent who took her places, did things with her, took her to the doctor/dentist, friends houses, sporting events, etc.

This seems to me like I had given up my daughter and left her. I will not allow this. My lawyer is on vacatin through tomorrow night but I have left her a message about this.

Anyone have any words of advice/comfort? I am so mad I can't see straight!

Stick to your guns, he's USING a child to empower himself over you AGAIN. He knows your child means everything to you. He's trying to scare you into submission with the one thing he know's you'll do anything for. And on the other hand, at least your daughter is getting some daddy attention for a change. That might be a good thing for her. Ignore his power plays, do what you need to do, agree to nothing without your atty's advise.

He has been given some advice from someone, that much is obvious. Personally, he may have a point about the home; you should be staying in the house and raising your daughter in the family home until she graduates from high school. With the maximum amount of child support from your ex, and your salary if you could pay the mortgage, I would stay in the home. The house would apprechiate, the market may have turned around in a few years, and when you go to sell the house you both would make money instead of loosing money.

Don't loose your cool, you are making great strides that is why he is trying to show others that he can "Man Up". He wants pyhsical custody of your daughter so that you will have to pay him child support; then you would still be jumping through hoops as the active parent. Hang in there.

And remember to get the tax exemption for the kids. He will want that, but you should get it. He needs to leave the house now, even if he gets awarded the house in the future. For now, he needs to go. The court usually supports that decision because it is the home of the minor child and a place for the college age child to return. If he gets the house you should still get one half the principal value of the house. Don't fall for the housing market slump for now. You are bargaining and getting what you are entittled. He needs to buy you out or give you 1/2 the value at time of sale. It will need to be worded so you have a say on how it is sold now or in the future. Keeps him from making a deal under the table and on paper selling it for less than you have in it. And just because you grant him the house does not mean he is the custodial parent.

The sooner you get him out the sooner you will be off this daily emotional rollercoaster. It is not good to fight out the details of a divorce living under the same roof.

It sounds like the dude is playing hard ball. He's feeling hurt and humiliated and he wants to create the maximum amount of damage possible. You need to have a good lawyer. You need to keep him or her in the loop on your mate's latest stunts, and you need to be focussed on what your end goals are for he is going to make it seem like you are going to lose custody of your daughter and lose your house if you go through with this divorce. (My husband threatened to kill himself the day I served divorce papers on him.) Do you want this divorce? If yes, ignore his bullshit and keep your eye on the goal. He's obviously not going to go down without a fight. It's one of those macho pride things, you know.