Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

I have been divorced for more than 10 years now and I can confirm that it does get easier. There will be points in time when your kids may lash out in anger because of things that their dad has said were 'your fault', but just keep on doing what you're doing -- taking the high road -- no matter what.

My kids were in 1st grade and 6th grade when I got divorced. I never, ever, ever badmouthed their dad to them (my girlfriends got an earful, though, you can be sure of that!). Dad was the hero for the first few years (he was the fun 'weekend adventure' guy -- I was the one who made them pick up their rooms and do their homework) , but as the kids got older they did, indeed, see his true colors on their own. My kids and I are have a great relationship and are extremely close. In fact, friends of mine (both married and single) have told me that they envy the relationship I have with my kids.

Even though it was hard at the time to not get sucked into the ugliness, I know that it was the right thing to do and I don't regret it for a moment. I have a few friends who make a point of badmouthing the ex spouse in front of the kids and I have seen what it has done to their kids and it breaks my heart.

I believe that it is much healthier for kids to be raised in a happy, healthy and loving home with one parent than to be subject to the emotional and verbal battleground on a daily basis of living with two parents who cannot even stand to be in the same room as one another. My kids are living proof of this. I have two wonderful, well adjusted kids. One just finished college and the other is a junior in HS. I have a few friends whose marriages were awful and who stayed together 'because of the kids'. The only thing, in my opinion, they did was to screw those kids up emotionally and to give them an awful example of what marriage is supposed to be like.

Also...are you sure you have to 'give up' his family? I remained extremely close with my mother in law after my divorce. It was tricky at first, but I loved her dearly and told her that just because I was divorcing him, I wasn't divorcing her, too. We were able to make it work. Maybe you can, too!

I am also sorry to hear about your divorce and understand that making this decision after so long a time is very difficult. My 24 year marriage ended 6 years ago and I was astounded how difficult it was even tho I had realized for a long time how unhappy I was. As you so eloquently expressed, you are grieving what could have/should have/might have been, not what actually was in the relationship.

Let me give you a bit of insight into what it is like to be "on the other side" of the journey: The freedom from constant negativity and implied/expressed criticism is like having a migraine for so long that finally went away! The criticism won't go away, but at least you won't have to listen to it... Of course your life will change and there will be difficult times, but the difference is that you can deal with them in your own way without having to tiptoe around someone else which makes the problems single instead of multi-dimentional. You will probably be astounded to realize how much of your life was centered around HIS preferences/beliefs/etc. I had to figure out what I wanted and liked when it was no longer a given that every TV time was spent watching sports... Some of the things we did in common I continue to enjoy, if in different ways or with different people, but others were only things I was doing to accommodate him so they have been replaced with new activities/interests. As a child who lived in an unhappy household, I can assure you that, if you do your best to avoid negative statements about your ex, your children will also find it a relief to live in an atmosphere that is not fraught with tension. I can guarantee you that the parent who is bad-mouthing the other will be the one the kids will want to avoid.

It will be a challenge to carve out your own identity in the coming months/years, but this is your time to do it. As much as you don't think so now, new relationship opportunities will present themselves, but you will find yourself redefining what works for you and you may be very surprised at how different that may be from the needs/expectations that you had 20+ years ago. I can sincerely tell you that there is life after divorce and you will probably ALL (even him) be better off for making this decision. That you are doing so after serious attempts to work out the problems and a period of time considering the consequences assures that you are not making a snap judgment. As someone else said, this (along with the surgery) is part of your path to "growing up" and assuming responsibility for your own life. Good luck to you.

Banded 4/5/06

Dr. Ortiz

180+/133/110

Siestaqh & Mary Sue 33,

Thank you seems inadequate to express how much your comments mean to me. I do at times question if I am doing the right thing, but in the next second I am sure of it. Your comments also help me to realize that I am not a bad person for wanting to be happy. Hearing from people who have divorced after any number of years but especially after the same or more than I was helps as well.

My father and I didn't speak this last year (long story) but we recently reconciled and he has been one of my most supportive allies. He said it best when he said that I had a right to find happiness and that life was too short to be miserable.

That's the core of what I've been thinking for the last 6 months, see my mother died suddenly 3 years ago and was healthy at my age (41). Between her death and the surgery, it's really made me realize that no one knows how many years they have left on this earth and I don't want to spend the remining ones; however long that is, as unhappily as I did the last 15.

I remember reading something once (author forgotten, maybe some here knows) that said when describing looking at a headstone that your life gets boiled down to a few words describing your relationships to others, name and birth and death dates. These dates are separated by a dash, and the author stated it's the "dash years" that are what is important.

I'm determined to live a happy, healthy life during whatever dash years I have left.

Again, your continued support, encouragement and sharing of stories means more than I can express. I am humbled. Thank you all for posting.

I agree life is too short to be unhappy, I applaud your courage. As for your kids, the oldest one should want your happiness, I guess It will just take him a while, he will come around. As for your youngest daughter, you are teaching her a valuable lesson about courage and self esteem, would you want her to live in what you are living in, No I wouldn't want my daughter too. And you are teaching her by example, I am proud of you for doing something about your happiness. Divorce is never easy, but much easier and better choice than throwing your life away. Congratulations on your choice for happiness, and your weightloss, I will pray for you.

Divorce is a difficult time, no two ways about it. I was married and divorced while I was still in my twenties. My parents' marriage lasted a lifetime and I too believed that I was marrying for life. I married a musician and he was unfaithful. He was also lazy and didn't bring home much money; the marriage couldn't take this last blow. Though I was the one who decided to divorce the actual process was a painful one for me. I did get over it, however, and went on to become friends with him and his new woman. She is one of my closest friends in fact. My ex-husband has great taste in women. :heh: He never gave up womanizing but she chose to put up with it although she was unhappy about it; she loved him a lot more than I did. I went on to have an extremely interesting life. He, poor fellow, recently died of cancer. I was glad that I could be there for him and his wife. You will get over your pain and go on to have an interesting life and you will feel better. Time does cure many ills.

wonderkidsmom,

I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. I don't have a lot of experience in this matter, however you are in my thoughts.

I think LadyK and MarySue33 said exactly what I was thinking even though my thoughts would not be based on experience however they expressed what I was feeling about your situation.

I wish you continued courage.

I know from experience- YOU WILL SURVIVE!!!

Right now this is the most emotional thing you have done. When you are in self doubt, think of all they years of emotional abuse and that YOU DO deserve better (you'll be so pissed you'll forget to cry!) I do understand the grieving for the loss of the perfect marriage.

Your children will move on. Your son will in time realize your divorce is and was in the best interest of all involved. Family happiness as a unit will increase, your son is just grieving the teenage male style. Get him some counseling to assist the process. I look back and tell my mom who divorced after 27 yrs that was stupid to stay because of us- the kids. I realized for her and our family it was better and I did not repeat her mistake!! In my case his infidelity, laziness and lack of motivation to change ultimately sacrificed the marriage. The kids do in time see with their own eyes!! Keep on the right path and off the verbal battering road- the kids will see the behavior for what it is.

I do not believe that all marriages are meant to last. You change/grow over time and if your spouse doesn't change and grow with you as a couple or in your case uses you as his verbal and emotional punching bag to boost his ego- raise your glass to him and say carry on but do it without me!!!

Hooray for your courage and hang in there- It gets better!!! The liberation to a better life is sooo wonderful!!!:clap2: :clap2:

There is nothing anyone can say to make it easier for you, but sometimes it helps to hear other peoples tale. I divorced my husband of 12 years back in 1995, We had a 3 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. It seems like a lifetime ago to me. Mt ex mother in law was also divorced and when she heard that we were splitting she kept saying I should have never done it, I should have toughed it out because it's so hard on the kids...blah blah blah. It is also tough on the kids to see the primary example of what marriage and love is supposed to be in such a skewed light. Your oldest son who is away at school now has already formed his opinion of how a woman is to be treated in a relationship...and its not a good one! Hopefully this will save your youngest from the same fate. Also, one of the reasons that your oldest is rebelling against the idea is because you are standing up for yourself and finally demanding respect, he doesn't understand that you are entitled to this, just as your soon to be ex doesn't understand this either.

Enough of my armchair psychotherapy. You are a beautiful person and you deserve happiness, respect and adoration...my last piece of advice: Give it to yourself before seeking it from another person!

donna

Let me worn you of one of the big pitfalls you can expect to have.

Your children may play you off versus (your soon to be) x-husband. When they don't get what they want from you, you will hear the infamous "But Daddy would..." refrain.

It is not evilness from your children, so be neither too angry at them nor fall for it.

Though I was never divorced, I have seen scenario this in action with family members that have been. Children, no matter how well they are raised, will resort to this subterfuge to get their way. I also tend to believe that there is a subconscious hope that by pitting one parent against the other, the parents might discuss the situation and that the ensuing dialog might lead to reconciliation. Of course the situation usually exacerbates the problems, but they are children fighting to keep their parents together.

Again, I wish you the best during this difficult time in your life.

And I will remind you one more time to assure your children over and over that they had nothing to do with your decision. They will think that they were the cause of the break-up, so repeat it often to them, "This has nothing to do with anything that you did."

I stayed for 8 years and then finally, after 18 months of counseling, left. I never missed him. Not once. It truly was over much longer than I wanted to admit. You are right. Once cruelty and insensitivity has killed the love, it is hard to bring it back. Best of all to you and congratulations for standing up for yourself.

Thanks to everyone for the continued support. Hearing from people who have been through this and come out on the other side is very helpful.

Last night he asked if my attorney had filed the papers and when I said yes, he stormed out (in my car not his) and disappeared for over 8 hrs without a word to my daughter. She called him before she went to bed and he would only say he was "out" and would be back "sometime". Nice dad!

I don't really care what he was doing or where he went but can't figure out why he took my car. Both cars are in bothour names so I have /had no legal recourse, and he has his key to mine and I his but my car is the newer, nicer of the two.

All the feelings I could muster was about hoping he didn't damage my car or use much gas as I don't have the money to fill it till payday - he doesn't put his paychjeck into the account anymore and took out all the money except to pay two bills.

I can't even muster up anger, just nothing.

Thanks for listening.

he only did this to try to hurt you, be strong there's not much telling what he will try next, until he sees it don't work and he can't get to you. you are headed in the right path, but I don't envy your journey, just let it make you stronger, I traveled it before. he is a control freak, trying to control your emotions and you, You will be so much better off when this creep is out of your life, this makes me mad that he would do this to you.

Been in your shoes and so glad I got out. I will continue to pray for you and your strength...

I'm so sorry to hear of your divorce....I know it must be very hard with the children. I am with Tired Old Man though when it comes to telling them they absolutely had nothing to do with it. You definately need to assure them of that!

As for myself I had a wonderful divorce and felt I would marry him again just to get that feeling back (Ha Ha!) It was great to be rid of him. I had no children though.

Thanks to everyone for the continued support. Hearing from people who have been through this and come out on the other side is very helpful.

Last night he asked if my attorney had filed the papers and when I said yes, he stormed out (in my car not his) and disappeared for over 8 hrs without a word to my daughter. She called him before she went to bed and he would only say he was "out" and would be back "sometime". Nice dad!

I don't really care what he was doing or where he went but can't figure out why he took my car. Both cars are in bothour names so I have /had no legal recourse, and he has his key to mine and I his but my car is the newer, nicer of the two.

All the feelings I could muster was about hoping he didn't damage my car or use much gas as I don't have the money to fill it till payday - he doesn't put his paychjeck into the account anymore and took out all the money except to pay two bills.

I can't even muster up anger, just nothing.

Thanks for listening.

Becareful, he is angry, hurt and acting out. You two are still in the same house? Is your attorney aware that your husband is not contributing to the family finances, and is actually causing the household a financial hardship? I am sure you have done this already, but if not, open your own account before payday. Find out if your attorney can file for emergency child support/spousal support and garnish his check now. He is going to be mad, but so what. If he is still in the family home, sleep with one eye open. I will be praying for your safety and a smooth transition out of your marriage for you and your husband. Keep your head up, I promise you that this too will pass.

It's easy for outside people to blame the weight loss for the divorce. If you had bad self esteem in your marriage it sounds like that was something that empowered your husband. Knowing that you would not leave because you thought you could do no better or that you would stay alone forever. That is very wrong of him. Now that you are becoming the very best person you can be you should continue to focus on all of the positives. Maybe sit down and talk with his family and explain how you are feeling. If they don't understand then it's possible that they shouldn't be a part of those positive changes you are making in your life. It's not fair that now he wants to check into the relationship when he wouldn't give anything before. You just continue to do whats right for you and don't let others change your opinion of about yourself!