Crying as I write this...

bitteroldhag · August 14, 2006

White Rabbit -- I have been taking care of my mother for 6 years. We were at the emergency room last night because her bladder is bleeding and she has blood in her catheter. Over the years, I have learned how to live with this stuff, but it isn't easy. I highly recommend you google the eldercare forum. I have belonged to it for about a year and it's wonderful. People there actually know exactly how you feel and what you are talking about. Do that today!

Otherwise, I have two words for you HOME HEALTH. I think you may be English, but even so, there should be some sort of home health care you can get for your mother. We got that about 8 months ago when I just wore out. They are wonderful and really help a lot. If they don't do a good job, complain and eventually you'll find someone who is good with your mother. Also you might be able to get away for a few days which can really refresh you.

I hope to see you on the eldercareforum soon. I am bitteroldhag there too. Believe me, you'll be glad when you join that forum.

I got the lapband for myself after I'd taken care of mother for 5 years. Frankly, my attitude is that I deserve it, and so do you. Hope this helps.:nervous

mbprn · August 15, 2006

If you're in the US you might qualify for the Family Medical Leave Act. I don't know all the details but I think it allows you to miss work while caring for a family member without risk of being fired. Check with the human resources dept. Hope this helps.

Ps-from a nursing perspective there are some great elder care facilities that are trained to deal with all of these issues and it sometimes seems to help for people to meet others in the same boat. They have crafts, music, exercise for every level of skill, and of course emotional support not to mention the obvious medical care. Hope this helps

faybie · August 17, 2006

White Rabbit,

You are definitely not alone. I had a situation that was similarly stressful with my father. He was an absentee father that had 3 failed marriages and turned to very heavy drinking for the last 10 years of his life.

He tried to commit suicide about 2 years before he died by over dosing on some vicadin and drinking 2 liters of scotch. To his dismay, his neighbor came to check on him and found him on the floor and called 911 immediately. His sister, my aunt, nursed him back to health.

I am not really sure how he ended up at my house exactly. I think he was running from the law from a dwi ticket and needed to get out of the state. My family and I took him in under the assumption that he would be with us for a month until he got on his feet.

Well I will spare you the two years of agony and pain of what I went through until his death, but know that it was horrible and I necessarily wasn't very happy to be taking care of a father who had never once taken care of me.

There are two things that helped me tremendously during those two years and by the time of his death my father had seen another grandson, we repaired our relationship to the best it would get and best of all he died in peace in a loving envrionment without a worry in the world.

How did it go from hell to so peaceful? Well, first and foremost I started seeing a counselor through our mental health program at work like people have mentioned in previous posts. It was a long and arduous journey but we worked through everything that was an issue in my life and each time I needed help, we came up with a practical way to confront each issue that worked for me whether it was mental (due to the unhealthy relationship with my father), money related, stress related, etc.

The very first thing my counselor did was refer me to my PCP to ask about anti-anxiety, temper controlling, stress coping medication. I started then and am still taking Celexa 40mg. I started taking only 10mg. It may not be the right medication for you that is something for your PCP to decide and you may even choose a more herbal approach, entirely up to you. However, I do recommend that you see your PCP and tell him everything, including situations of where you are extremely overwhelmed to how you feel when you are angry at the situation.

The medication for me was able to even out my emotions so I stopped going from 0 to 10 emotionally within 3 secs which is a common symptom of people under too much stress. It gave me the patience and clarity that I needed to deal with everything in a more practical manner instead of being led by my emotions. By taking care of me, I took care of my husband and children, salvaged my job, repaired friendships and resloved issues with my father.

Like I mentioned before, even though I was going to counseling and taking medication, it almost took the entire two years before peace was back in my life. I send you....... many, many hugs and I truely know how stressed you feel.

Please feel free to PM any time if you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear of any kind.

~ Faybie

gentlespirit · August 23, 2006

I don't have any advice that others haven't already given, so I'm just sending a hug. At some point down the road, you might consider hospice, which is a great program. The criteria are different in different places, but basically when a doc says someone is terminally ill hospice programs will accept the patient. That program gives you access to volunteers who can stay with the patient for a couple of hours to give you some breathing room as well as to home health aides and nurses. It may not be time for that now, but keep it in mind for the future.

Emily