I need a hug... and some practical advice.

I don't know where to start so I'm just going to blurt it out. I called the Dr out to my mother today and got told she had probably had a mild heart attack. She refused to go to hospital. Two weeks ago, the Dr told us that mum's kidney's were falling and she was facing dialysis. Life expectancy was less that 1 year. They are now getting better, but nobody knows how much, for how long or anything.

In January she tried to commit suicide because of all her health problems. That was a shock to my system. You see, my Dad died in 2002, and mum lived on her own for 12 months but during that time was in hospital 3 times for serious health problems. The last admission they put a pacemaker in. I brought her down to stay with me until she had recovered - but she ended up in hospital and never went back home. So since 2003 she has lived with me. That took so readjustment.

I'm single and an only child - so I don't really have anybody to talk to. And my friends have yet to go through this crap so can't really understand my problems. I've never felt so lonely, so overwhelmed, so terrified in my life. Since mum has lived with me she has had 3 major operations. I've got to the point where I just don't want to deal with this crap anymore.

I'm 35 yo - one of the reasons I had the band was so that I didn't end up like my mother. Every time her health deteriorates I lose it emotionally. The last 3 years have been hell, and I can't concentrate on work. I'm picking fights with my boss and it looks like I'm on track for failing my probation requirements in 18 months - that's a laugh from high flyer to waster! So that makes me angry and scared.

I want desperately to live a more carefree life. I keep trying to put things into perspective but mum's deterioration is just relentless. And the worst thing for me at the moment is that I go for a fill tomorrow and I just don't know whether it's a good idea. Because of the trauma I'm putting on weight (!?!) so I need the fill, but my head is in completely the wrong place to work with this band. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her...

Of course you are feeling overwhelmed, what you are dealing with is impossible by yourself. I've been there, and even with family help it's hard.

So, you need to find some help. Does you job offer any employee assistence for problems outside of work? Talk to the doctor about resources. Look for local groups/government help. Where do you live?

And you may have to consider putting your mother into some sort of care facility. I know it's a VERY hard decision to make, we faced that same one last fall with my father-in-law, but it had gotten to the point where we just couldn't give him the care he needed.

Feel free to PM me if you want. This is so hard, both on the pratical level of providing care, and the emotional level of this being you mom.

That is a heavy load you are carrying. Lisah gave you some excellent advice. Seek help. I know its hard sometimes to ask for it, but you must. Explore all your options. You might be able to get some help to come in and give you a chance to escape for a while.

As difficult as the problem is, you must protect your future. Talk to your boss and explain the situation. Don't offer excuses, just an explanation. Sometimes when others know what you are going through, they cut you some slack.

Bottom Line: You must take care of yourself. You have to make YOU the priority. It is not being selfish. You can't help your Mom if you are broken down.

Remember, the fill will add more stress. Take it nice and easy.

Good luck to you. We are praying for you.

Bottom Line: You must take care of yourself. You have to make YOU the priority. It is not being selfish. You can't help your Mom if you are broken down.

That is an EXCELLENT point.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of what you are dealing with. Of course you are feeling overwhelmed. Tackle one thing at a time. It is easy to get overwhelmed when you lump every issue together and form a laundry list. Try to put things in order and focus on one issue then move to the next. I know this is easy for me to say, but this is the only way I can deal with lots of things going on. Maybe, lay off with the fill....get your head in the right place and then tackle the fill.

Barbara's right too...you need to communicate what is going on with your boss...you don't need to ask for special treatment, but let them know what is going on in your life. You would be surprised where you can find support...usually in the places you lease expect it!

I'm praying for you, dear.....relief will come!!

I can relate to you on so many levels. I lost my mother less then a year ago. She battled ovarian cancer for 4 years. My dad pretty much closed up and became angry and was very mean to my mother alot. She had only me to lean on and over the 4 years I suffered the loss of a 3 year relationship to a man I loved because I was spending too much time taking care of mom, the loss of a home because I had to take unpaid leave from my job for months to take care of her in the end. I remember just wanting to drive off a cliff because I was so stressed out. I knew she was dying and it was killing me and I had the world on my shoulders. I wanted to run away everyday. I sucked it up and got medical help with nurses to help and in the end I was with her for 24 hours a day for weeks and though it was so tramatic it was so worth it and I'm glad I did it. The other things lost were a drop in the bucket compared to losing my mom.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to hang in there. Don't get a fill because you don't need to deal with that right now. There will be plenty of time later.

Hang in there and if you need anything... Just to vent.. whatever.. I'm here for you!

Your mother is very lucky to have you!

You don't hate your mum, you hate the situation your Mum's health status is playing you in. Is she on anti-depressants? If not, that's a good place to begin.

As far as you're concerned, it sounds like you're overwhelmed and need to talk to someone. Is there a support group or a church group you could join? Would you consider seeing a therapist?

Instead of picking fights with your boss, ask for an appointment to see him/her. Go in and apologize for your unprofessional behavior and explain the home situation you're in. I'm sure your boss will be more understanding and glad that you "came clean" with the cause of your outbursts.

I've always put everyone else before me, that's how I ended up in this situation in the first place. The advise you are getting is good advice. You need to take care of you. I know when a loved one is failing, it's so difficult to do, I'm learning to do it too. But if you are not at your best, how can you be any good for anyone else? Remind yourself about your reasons for getting the band. Be there for your mother, without sacrificing youself in the process. Best of luck to you.

You do need a great big HUG!!! I also agree that if you spoke to your boss, just to let them know what is going on in your life you will probably be suprised at their understanding. There are lots of sources you can go to for help on the county and state level. If you check the social services department, (here we call it the "Department of Aging" and another big service is called "Senior resources") which are resources geared directly for elderly people and their caregivers. Most of these services are free. You need to find some time to take care of yourself - which may simply be getting out for an afternoon to be with your best gal pal or doing whatever it is that makes you happy. Sometimes the hardest part is asking for help.... You can also check your local hospital, they often times have support groups for this exact thing and the provide services for assistance. You are not alone in this and I do know on a very personal level how difficult this is. Just remember you are not alone. There are people who can help you with this who are in the same shoes you are and understand exactly what your feeling, because they live it too.

Well, I agree with what people have said about talking to your boss. Do you have any kind of decent insurance, or does your mom? For me, if my mom were living with me because she needed care, I'm not sure I could work myself up enough to take her to someplace else, but I would probably try to get her a nurse to be at my house during the day or something.

I hope that you are able to find some room for yourself. Like's been said, you need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of anyone else. *hugs*

White Rabbit,

sending hugs!!!!!!

I also PM'd you!

jude

PS: The ticker is a lie!

See if your company has a Employees Assistance Program (EPA), it is a free inhouse program that you can go to during working hours without being penalized for taking time off of work.

I know your situation is very difficult and you are doing great hanging in there. One day your mom won't be there and you will be so happy you were there for her.

Being an only child brings so many responsibilities. We chose to have one child and she is the center of our world. But I can see where she won't want to be that center when the tables are turned.

Anti-depressant would really help your mom. Cause I am wondering with her health issues is she also mean? My mom is and it is very difficult to be around her. So I pray A LOT!!! Sometimes I find myself praying every 10 minutes while I am with her; just so I won't say anything negative back to her. And when I get quiet she gets angry and I finally told her one day that I was praying. She said, "whatever gets you through it!" in a really sarcastic voice. IT could have hurt me, but I chose to thank the Lord for providing me the time to be with her cause it was teaching me patience. (of course, I am not always that gracious. :heh: - I am human after all!!!

Remember, everything happens for a reason and you are right where you are suppose to be. Take care of yourself (no fill) and be patient and loving to yourself and in turn, you will find you are getting through this very difficult time of your life.

I will pray for you and your mother. :angel:

((( hugs )))

I totally sympathise.

The EAP (Employee Assistance Program) idea is a good one. I used to work for one, and they are often an underutilized (and free) resource. Some even have ElderCare type programs to help those caring for an elderly or sick parent.

You are in my prayers. I hope you realize you don't hate your mom, you are just frustrated and mad at the world because of your situation. Be strong and hold on because weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Hang in there. Try to take a small smidgeon of time to talk with your friends...they may not be in your shoes, but they are your friends for some reason, right?? Get some fresh air. We have to learn to share our burndens with those around us. You have too much going on right now to not communicate with your boss about your situation, your friends, etc. Give someone the chance to help you, as you are helping your mom.

God Bless

The others have said it all. You have to love yourself so get your fill and take care of yourself. Go on line and look up support groups or ask her doctors about heart or kidney associations, just like the cancer society. They can be there to talk to, they may have people who will visit or sit with her while you go out and take a breather.

I am always talk about TOPS, that is my support group. Taking Off Pounds Sensibly I was shocked when my father passed, they were there. They were at the house, at the funeral, calling, bring food. They ARE a family to me. We call each other, we send cards, because we know life gets rough. You need a support system., someone to talk to or just get a hug. ((((((HUGGGGSSSSS)))))

White Rabbit -- I have been taking care of my mother for 6 years. We were at the emergency room last night because her bladder is bleeding and she has blood in her catheter. Over the years, I have learned how to live with this stuff, but it isn't easy. I highly recommend you google the eldercare forum. I have belonged to it for about a year and it's wonderful. People there actually know exactly how you feel and what you are talking about. Do that today!

Otherwise, I have two words for you HOME HEALTH. I think you may be English, but even so, there should be some sort of home health care you can get for your mother. We got that about 8 months ago when I just wore out. They are wonderful and really help a lot. If they don't do a good job, complain and eventually you'll find someone who is good with your mother. Also you might be able to get away for a few days which can really refresh you.

I hope to see you on the eldercareforum soon. I am bitteroldhag there too. Believe me, you'll be glad when you join that forum.

I got the lapband for myself after I'd taken care of mother for 5 years. Frankly, my attitude is that I deserve it, and so do you. Hope this helps.:nervous