I need a hug... and some practical advice.

I don't know where to start so I'm just going to blurt it out. I called the Dr out to my mother today and got told she had probably had a mild heart attack. She refused to go to hospital. Two weeks ago, the Dr told us that mum's kidney's were falling and she was facing dialysis. Life expectancy was less that 1 year. They are now getting better, but nobody knows how much, for how long or anything.

In January she tried to commit suicide because of all her health problems. That was a shock to my system. You see, my Dad died in 2002, and mum lived on her own for 12 months but during that time was in hospital 3 times for serious health problems. The last admission they put a pacemaker in. I brought her down to stay with me until she had recovered - but she ended up in hospital and never went back home. So since 2003 she has lived with me. That took so readjustment.

I'm single and an only child - so I don't really have anybody to talk to. And my friends have yet to go through this crap so can't really understand my problems. I've never felt so lonely, so overwhelmed, so terrified in my life. Since mum has lived with me she has had 3 major operations. I've got to the point where I just don't want to deal with this crap anymore.

I'm 35 yo - one of the reasons I had the band was so that I didn't end up like my mother. Every time her health deteriorates I lose it emotionally. The last 3 years have been hell, and I can't concentrate on work. I'm picking fights with my boss and it looks like I'm on track for failing my probation requirements in 18 months - that's a laugh from high flyer to waster! So that makes me angry and scared.

I want desperately to live a more carefree life. I keep trying to put things into perspective but mum's deterioration is just relentless. And the worst thing for me at the moment is that I go for a fill tomorrow and I just don't know whether it's a good idea. Because of the trauma I'm putting on weight (!?!) so I need the fill, but my head is in completely the wrong place to work with this band. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her...

If you're in the US you might qualify for the Family Medical Leave Act. I don't know all the details but I think it allows you to miss work while caring for a family member without risk of being fired. Check with the human resources dept. Hope this helps.

Ps-from a nursing perspective there are some great elder care facilities that are trained to deal with all of these issues and it sometimes seems to help for people to meet others in the same boat. They have crafts, music, exercise for every level of skill, and of course emotional support not to mention the obvious medical care. Hope this helps

White Rabbit,

You are definitely not alone. I had a situation that was similarly stressful with my father. He was an absentee father that had 3 failed marriages and turned to very heavy drinking for the last 10 years of his life.

He tried to commit suicide about 2 years before he died by over dosing on some vicadin and drinking 2 liters of scotch. To his dismay, his neighbor came to check on him and found him on the floor and called 911 immediately. His sister, my aunt, nursed him back to health.

I am not really sure how he ended up at my house exactly. I think he was running from the law from a dwi ticket and needed to get out of the state. My family and I took him in under the assumption that he would be with us for a month until he got on his feet.

Well I will spare you the two years of agony and pain of what I went through until his death, but know that it was horrible and I necessarily wasn't very happy to be taking care of a father who had never once taken care of me.

There are two things that helped me tremendously during those two years and by the time of his death my father had seen another grandson, we repaired our relationship to the best it would get and best of all he died in peace in a loving envrionment without a worry in the world.

How did it go from hell to so peaceful? Well, first and foremost I started seeing a counselor through our mental health program at work like people have mentioned in previous posts. It was a long and arduous journey but we worked through everything that was an issue in my life and each time I needed help, we came up with a practical way to confront each issue that worked for me whether it was mental (due to the unhealthy relationship with my father), money related, stress related, etc.

The very first thing my counselor did was refer me to my PCP to ask about anti-anxiety, temper controlling, stress coping medication. I started then and am still taking Celexa 40mg. I started taking only 10mg. It may not be the right medication for you that is something for your PCP to decide and you may even choose a more herbal approach, entirely up to you. However, I do recommend that you see your PCP and tell him everything, including situations of where you are extremely overwhelmed to how you feel when you are angry at the situation.

The medication for me was able to even out my emotions so I stopped going from 0 to 10 emotionally within 3 secs which is a common symptom of people under too much stress. It gave me the patience and clarity that I needed to deal with everything in a more practical manner instead of being led by my emotions. By taking care of me, I took care of my husband and children, salvaged my job, repaired friendships and resloved issues with my father.

Like I mentioned before, even though I was going to counseling and taking medication, it almost took the entire two years before peace was back in my life. I send you....... many, many hugs and I truely know how stressed you feel.

Please feel free to PM any time if you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear of any kind.

~ Faybie

I don't have any advice that others haven't already given, so I'm just sending a hug. At some point down the road, you might consider hospice, which is a great program. The criteria are different in different places, but basically when a doc says someone is terminally ill hospice programs will accept the patient. That program gives you access to volunteers who can stay with the patient for a couple of hours to give you some breathing room as well as to home health aides and nurses. It may not be time for that now, but keep it in mind for the future.

Emily