Who Am I

[peacequeen 434]

I can't sleep and it doesn't matter if anyone reads this, I just need to talk, even if through my mind and out my fingers onto a keyboard. About myself. I'm the youngest of 8 children. I grew up very poor, food was scarce. I recall my mother making a bowl of bean Soup and skillet cornbread and we'd get our bellies as full as we could for the day. Not much to snack on but a peeled potato dipped in sugar or Salad Dressing sandwiches. Saturday was a big day, Mom and dad would go to the grocery while we stayed home to get the house **** and span. The groceries would come in,,flour, sugar, tuna, oats, etc. A rare ice cream or candy was a rarety in our home. There were alot of foods I had never tried till I was much older. Mom and Dad would make do,,they had no choice. As I got older, things got easier. My mother was a cook, she cooked for Col Sanders and his wife. She could make anything taste so good. Even though we had very little, she would make it stretch as far as it would go. Dad had an amazing green thumb and would raise a lavish garden with beautiful onions, potatos, tomatos, Beans, etc. We lived on a farm so we had cows that we milked and chickens for eggs. Holidays, birthdays, baptisms, visitors, you name it,,we had food. Mom and Dad shared our bounty with everyone. They later cooked for churches, shut ins, the United Way..amazing people, they sure were. My whole life evolved around food. It was strange we managed so well at home on very meager wages but I could never have lunch money for school. I always did without but my friends sometimes would share with me. I would get home and sneak food,,whatever I could get my hands on, I was so hungry. And I stayed plump. I was never a skinny child,,not fat but I had some chub in the middle. I was extremely active, we worked hard on the farm.

I married at 18..it lasted 15 years and 2 beautiful and amazing kids were created. Scared of being alone, I found the nearest guy that could comfort me. Just as I had met him, my parents were killed in an automobile accident. My world turned upside down and I thought I'd never live through it. I was pregnant at the time. So then I had another child but the marriage only lasted a couple years. My youngest son is special. He has Pervasive developmental disorder, adhd, memory and sensory disfunction. He makes me laugh and cry. It's difficult raising a child with special needs but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have my own disabilities, was diagnosed in 2008 with myasthenia gravis and can no longer work (I hope to again someday). Aside the sadness, I've become my mother. I cook all the time. I make every event, holiday, occasion about food. It's always been in my life and in my blood. Even at my parents funeral, there were large amounts of food. Will I ever escape? I've been in therapy for a while now to help overcome my losses and addiction to food. This site has helped me learn so much about myself and each of you in some way have given me so much. Faceless and no voice, but each of you touch my heart and are healing me. I thank God for this site and letting me learn about vsg. I'm going to be sleeved in 9 days,,I praise God. Your past makes you who you are but it doesn't have to define you. Thanks for letting me share,,it's more of a rambling on session but I wanted you to know where I came from. I think it helps to know where a person is coming from.

[his2my2our4 120]

You are one strong lady! Good luck to you on your upcoming surgery! I wish you nothing but the best!!

[5DogMa 62]

Wow, touching story. You've had a challenging life, but you are strong, stronger than you know. Be proud of your accomplishments and your decision to help yourself have a healthier life.

My mother grew up in many ways like you, but during the depression in a home with a alcoholic father and 8 kids who never had enough to eat. Her dad would go off for weeks and leave them all without money or food. The children would eat whatever neighbors or the church would drop off and sometimes there wasn't any food and they ate walnuts from a walnut orchard they lived next door to. Her Mom took in laundry to try and earn money to buy food. My Mom would tell me they would be so hungry and they would pull out this big wooden box of walnuts and cry and eat them. She married at 17 to get out of the house and be one less mouth to feed. Because of her past Mom became a addicted to food which is understandable, but she passed that addiction on to her children. We use to go to the store and get foods, especially sweets and gobble them up before my Dad would come home from work. Sneek binge eating was normal. She would hide the box or wrappers in the neighbors trash cans so Dad wouldn't find out. A couple of weeks ago Mom said to me "but what will you have to look forward to" when I was talking about eating after the surgery. How about a healthier life Mom? She didn't get it. In her adult life Mom became heavy from the binge eating. Now that she's almost 80 she has lost some weight but she still has her addiction.

So I understand how our life experiences can lead to food addiction, although sometimes understanding that doesn't change it. I did this surgery in hopes this tool will force me to get a handle on binge eating and my food addiction. I'm only 11 days post-op and I've wondered what the heck have I done! Will I ever eat again?? I'm scared of changing my relationship with food and if I can do it. Going into this I felt strong telling myself I can do this and that I was ready. I took a long time to think about it and research it knowing it was the right decision for me. This hasn't been a cake walk physically for me and I"ve had some problems and set backs. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard either. I haven't had solid foods since December 4th and I watch others eat and smell the food cooking in my house and I can't eat it. I am grateful not to be hungry.

Good luck in your life saving, life changing journey.

[longer-life 139]

You have researched this surgery for years and you have a therapist to help you navigate this journey. It will probably be tough, but you want this badly, so I know you will make it happen. Like you said, your past doesn't define you. Big hug to ya my friend!

[Denise's New Life 43]

You have been through alot in your life. Our expierences are what make us who we are today. This is why your a strong , independent, and special woman. You will do great on your surgery.

[Lissa 2,631]

(((PeaceQueen))) and (((DogMa))), Thank you both for sharing your stories. Knowing where we come from as it relates to food makes a huge difference, IMO, in dealing with "why" we became overweight. I'm thrilled to hear that you are seeing a therapist for help with your food issues. It's important to deal with the underlying causes so that we don't have further problems or crossover addictions.

I applaud those who are being introspective and working to deal with the past. It definitely affects the future!

Good luck to us all!