Secret Sleevers

[Foreverdark 8]

I've not been here long but have read through a lot of the sub-boards and noticed a big occurrence, secret sleevers. I am wondering why people are so secretive about having the surgery? I for one and proud I decided to take the bull by the horns and do something to save my life. I'm not bashing or judging these people, just trying to figure out the secrecy.

[tntransplant06 20]

My reasons for secrecy...whether valid or not...

1) I didn't want people questioning me. "Am I sure I want to have this done???" I didn't want to explain 10 years worth of deciding that, yes, I'm finally ready.

2) I didn't want people talking about it when I wasn't around to defend myself.

3) What if it failed? (I know, highly unlikely) I didn't want people thinking "Wow, she's really got a problem, having surgery and still FAT!"

BUT...with that said, my surgery was done almost 4 weeks ago and I'm not so secretive any more. Some people are noticing and I've just fessed up and I haven't had one negative response. Everybody is very happy and proud of my decision. I am, too. It's all been very supportive.

[Shanny 70]

For me it's the embarassment of letting my life and my weight get so out of control that the only thing I could do to manage it again was to have surgery. People usually think that I have everything together. I'm always the caregiver and the fixer, but in my own head and my own life everything was falling apart. I was trying to make myself invisible. How can I explain to people that I was so low and hated myself so much that I want to disappear and by getting fat and making myself ugly so people would be repulsed by me and leave me alone I thought I was doing myself a favor. THat's crazy, right? For years it made sense. I can't explain that to people who know me now because I'm not that other woman anymore. I watch these other people go to gyms or do these diets and have these great results, but it didn't work for me. To know that I had to do this, something so drastic, just so that I could start over makes me feel inadequate in some ways. I'm still going to therapy to cope with it. I hope in time it'll change, but that's why I kept it a secret for 90% of the people in my life.

[kgremmy 36]

My reason for secrecy is because I did not want people talking about me behind my back and people telling me that I made a mistake. When I feel ready to tell people I will but right now when people ask what I am doing to lose weight. I just tell them that I have to really watch what I am eating, I am working out and that I am focused on losing weight.

[Tiffykins 672]

I've heard mixed answers on this one. I was not secretive about my surgery, but I don't go around announcing to the world that I chose WLS. If someone asks, I'm open about it. I think a lot of has to do with being judged, but for me, I feel like judgment came my way just because I was fat. I would rather cut them off at the knees instead of the rumor mill running rampant and people speculating on my weight loss. Gossip mongers are going to talk regardless of what excuse/reason we give them, it's an inherent trait within that person. Plus, I can spot a WLS patient in about 10 seconds. I've had 2 of them so I've been about the block a time or two.

I have zero shame in my decision. I do not carry the WLS Card that allows for cheaper meals, or being able to order off the kid's menu as I feel that's absolutely absurd. I do not hide it on my FB, nor do I deny having surgery. I do think it's a disservice and only perpetuates the negativity surrounding WLS when people are ashamed of making a life changing/improving decision. I always figured if I had found a lump in my breast and sought surgery to remove it, not one single person would question my motive, and believe WLS should be viewed the same way. I do not consider this elective surgery. I tried to lose weight and maintain my loss. However, along with the other 95% of dieters that failed miserably, I finally decided to make a permanent change.

I believe the answer of "cutting portions and exercising" is great, but I have found that being open about my surgery has led 5 of my friends to the sleeve, and they are so success and have thanked me for being open and honest because of me, my success, them being able to watch me from about 3.5 months out to now has given them hope that they can be successful as well.

I understand not wanting to hear the negative, or deal with questions, but I also believe there comes a point in our lives when we stand up for ourselves, have pride in our choices and decisions, and take responsibility for our health and future. No one can make you feel a certain way unless you allow them to do so. When I finally accepted that my life is my life, my health is my health, and my choice is my choice, I never allowed anyone to defeat me.

[Lila21 36]

I am not secretive about it, but nor do I shout it from the rooftops. I think there are great reasons for both. For me, I just feel like it's a matter of privacy. I never felt like it was anyone's right to ask me questions and probe me about my weight, and that is something that I've always found offensive. I don't ask people about their weight because I don't feel like it's any of my business. Perhaps I am defensive after all those years of people giving me subtle and not so subtle suggestions about what I should do about my weight problem. At the end of the day, I just don't feel like my body is anyone's business but my own (and the man I am intimate with). However, I'd happily share the info with someone who was obese and seeking help.

[Rootman 1,101]

For me it's the embarassment of letting my life and my weight get so out of control that the only thing I could do to manage it again was to have surgery.

Well said Shanny, well said.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

I don't announce it to the general public, but the main reason for me is actually to do with money - I get lots of bursaries and a lot of super-rich kids in my class hate the bursary system and would use any opportunity to malign the people who get them and use them for "inappropriate purposes" (whatever that is). Last thing I want is to be crucified for paying $9500 to go to Mexico to have my sleeve - even though I maxed out my line of credit for this. So when a few classmates who are not friends of mine commented on my weightloss, I just said I was diagnosed and treated for hypothyroidism. And people see me in the campus gym fairly regularly, so everyone knows I obviously exercise.

But I disclosed it to friends and close family members. As far as almost strangers, I don't really see the need to broadcast it. The other day I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his work partners and I scooped up my salad leftovers in some tupperware - everybody stared! I mentioned it to him later - I personally thought it's because they are filthy rich and aren't used to the idea of taking leftovers home, but he thought that everybody must've thought I ate too little. I felt I ate a fair bit, which is easy with salads, as they are high in volume on your plate but pack pretty tight in the ol' sleeve. He said, "Maybe we should just tell them you had weightloss surgery!" I was like, "WHY?" If these people were obese, I might have, as they could've benefited from that information, but otherwise, I just don't see the point. I told him maybe he should tell them he had an orchiiectomy, he quickly got the message.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,280]

I have some I choose to tell and some I don't. I really don't feel the need to go into detail on why I choose who I do, just to say that there is no right or wrong answer. Frankly, it's not Tom Dick and Harry's business what I do to my body. If I gave two flips about them, they would know. If you don't know, you best be tootin I don't think about you much. Everyone who is anyone important to me knows everything about me.

One thing I am not is a liar. I do not go out of my way to deceive others, nor am I delusional. I recognize when credit is due, and if someone who is genuine and REALLY cares asks what I've done to lose weight, I will converse with them on EVERYTHING. If not, you will be an afterthought and I'll move on to the next subject.

What it all really boils down to is the desire to tell others is a very personal decision. If one decides they want to tell others, fine. If someone decides they only want to tell their husband or wife and no one else, fine. Or if you are like me, somwhere in between, fine. This is not a cookie cutter situation, nor should it be treated as one.

[M2G 1,836]

Irene you said it best (as usual!)

I have told a limited number of people about my sleeve and no one has asked me point blank what exactly I'm doing to lose the weight. If they did, I would probably tell them. This is my private medical information, and I don't need to tell people all of my "business." Again if asked, I tell.

The other thing is that no one else is as "interested" in what I'm doing, as I am. That is why I love VST b/c we all have a common thread and we "get it" when we complain about stalls or get excited about new food. To other people, it just isn't that interesting (from what I've found) and so I tend not to blabber on about VSG with just anyone.

I get all my blabbering done right here. :lalala:

[juliarh 35]

I was one of those secret sleevers, but my weight loss was too much and too noticeable.

I had told my parents and that's it. (Hubby and kids knew of course). The main reason I didn't tell was fear of rejection, negative reaction, etc. I'd spent 20 plus years in my emotional cocoon and was worried that if I said I needed help to lose the weight there would be negative comments.

TODAY, however, I just told my extended family, via email and video (I live outside the States, so a phone call just seemed weird.) (Video is on my YouTube channel if you want to take a gander).

And you know what?? I got the most beautiful, loving, supportive emails from my extended family -- my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my cousins, you name it. Made me cry. I was just soooo worried that my victory would seem less to them, but they were so happy for me. I think this may be one of those days I might never forget . . . .

Anyhoo (while I'm tearing up) -- you never know who might be the biggest supporter of you -- I never expected the in-laws to be supportive at all -- and you never know who you might be helping if you do tell.

Thanks to Tiffy for pushing me in the right direction -- Not that we need to blast it from the mountain tops, but withholding it when asked only causes more stress (at least in my experience).

Just my 2 cents

[Foreverdark 8]

Awesome answers and I see and understand the answers. Just like I said, I'm not judging or forming opinions. We all have reasons for our actions and I was just curious.

In my case I told everyone. I announced it on my FB, told family and friends and everyone who would listen. I was flat out excited. I was wondering about negative reactions, and I got a couple, but the way I am not really affected by them. I have been fat and/or overweight since I was 8/9yrs old and am 35 now and have dieted hundreds of times with some success that always led to miserable failure so when that surgery date was given, for me, it was like winning the lottery. I made phone calls, jumped on FB.

In the end I respect everyone's decisions for privacy/secrecy with some words I think most everyone here would agree with. Yes the surgery can be seen as drastic. Of course it is rather expensive. But in the grand scheme of things your life is worth the drastic and the expense! You didn't make a mistake

[M2G 1,836]

I was one of those secret sleevers, but my weight loss was too much and too noticeable.

I had told my parents and that's it. (Hubby and kids knew of course). The main reason I didn't tell was fear of rejection, negative reaction, etc. I'd spent 20 plus years in my emotional cocoon and was worried that if I said I needed help to lose the weight there would be negative comments.

TODAY, however, I just told my extended family, via email and video (I live outside the States, so a phone call just seemed weird.) (Video is on my YouTube channel if you want to take a gander).

And you know what?? I got the most beautiful, loving, supportive emails from my extended family -- my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my cousins, you name it. Made me cry. I was just soooo worried that my victory would seem less to them, but they were so happy for me. I think this may be one of those days I might never forget . . . .

Anyhoo (while I'm tearing up) -- you never know who might be the biggest supporter of you -- I never expected the in-laws to be supportive at all -- and you never know who you might be helping if you do tell.

Thanks to Tiffy for pushing me in the right direction -- Not that we need to blast it from the mountain tops, but withholding it when asked only causes more stress (at least in my experience).

Just my 2 cents

Julie, I watched your video yesterday and I *almost* had tears listening to you. Beautifully done, I'm SO glad that your extended family and friends are being supportive. You are looking gorgeous and skinny too. WTG!!!

[groovearmada 14]

I am just a private person. I am like this with lots of aspects of my life and this is no different. Im not ashamed or embarassed and if I was asked outright about it i would not lie, however, what i do to my body is no body elses business.

[Godsfavoraintfair 3]

I chose to tell close friends and family. If someone ask me directly, I will tell them. But my main focus is losing the weight. I am 3 weeks and 2 days post op and I have struggled already on how all eyes are on me now. For one I have never been small, skinny, thin or nothing in that range. I weighed 180 in middle school and so this is all new for me too. I am just trying to explore my own journey and thinking about what people have to say on why, what, and how, I just assume NOT! I just told my husband that the more and more weight I loose, I know people will be more and more suspicious on how I am doing it and I know that comes with it but for now I am going to focus!