Don't know what to title this

lianna · June 20, 2006

Gosh Sherry, I dont know what to say that everyone else hasnt already said. There could be a 100 different reasons he would be acting this way, and I am sure that someone here has already hit the nail on the head. I just want to tell you to hang in there and vent as much or as often as you need to, that IS what we are here for.

Patience02 · June 21, 2006

I completely know how you're feeling. I was banded on 6/2/06 and my husband has not spoken a kind word to me since. He has been staying out all night, not calling to say he's ok. I try to talk to him about why the complete and sudden change and he tells me that he's just going through something right now. Unlike your husband, my husband is overweight and wanted to have the surgery when I did. We had a lump some of money that we came into and I chose to have surgery with my money, he bought a motorcycle. He's angry because I went through with my plans instead of cancelling as he thought I would. I give and give and give, but htis time I did something for me. I'm glad you shared becasue you never know who else is going through what you're going through unless you say so. Stay on your knees in prayer. That's what I do and I have a peace within me that even my husband's evil words can't shake.< /p>

maryb · June 21, 2006

I feel for you.

My first husband was very insecure. His insecurity caused him to lash out at me about everything. If it takes all the strength you have to get through this, don't let it keep you from getting what you deserve. I was in college when we got married. He never went to college. Every day he tried to convince me to quit school. It was hard, but I stuck to my guns and graduated from college. He would not even attend my graduation.

Stitchy · June 21, 2006

Sherry

I don't think there is anything I can say that the others haven't already. If you have been together for 25 years, you must (probably, anyway) have something going with each other. I think this is most likely insecurity, although I have never considered that an excuse for being abusive in any form.

I do think that he needs to hear how you feel, but you must pick the right time. And use a very calm voice and try to avoid tears (my downfall). While he should KNOW how hurtful his actions and words are, perhaps he doesn't have a clue.

We are all here for you dear. Keep on posting.

johnna · June 21, 2006

Sherri, I AM a mental health therapist and the above people ARE giving you great advise. It's so weird how unexpressed feelings can show themselves. If this is not his typical mode of operation try not to take it personally. Obviously, something else is going on with him. We often lash out on those who we feel the most comfortable and safest with. Also, don't be willing to toss out 25 years of marriage because of some out of character behavior. Validate your hurt feelings (have a blubbering crying party with yourself), say this sucks that it is happening right now, don't personalize it and move ahead strong (as you can). I've been there, we've all been there where we are so hurt and discouraged we can't function. Keep life simple as possible right now, make sure you are taking care of yourself both physically and mentally. Exercise. It can really help to relieve the stress. Hang in there!!

gentlespirit · June 21, 2006

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this when you're already stressed out about your upcoming surgery. Please don't ever feel bad posting about any problems or feelings... the strength of this place and all of us together is that we can support each other whether or not it's about the band.

I think probably those who say he's worried and scared are probably right. Only you know how your relationship was before this and whether this is really out of character for him. But don't let him get in the way of doing this for yourself...it's important that you remember that you are WORTH this. I do think he needs to know how hurtful he's been and is being to you. Men are weird sometimes (!!), and he might not realize how much he's hurt you.

Here's a hug, and I hope things get better soon.

Emily

Kat817 · June 21, 2006

I just happened upon this thread, and am not familiar with your "story" prior to this issue with your husband. So if anything I say is way off base, just ignore me!! Reading your post I noticed you mentioned being disabled in an accident last year. I tend to wonder if he is not overwhelmed/depressed by your life changes in the last year. Maybe his buying his things was a grasp at feeling happy. We women tend to go to Walmart, and we splurge on a few shirts for ourselves or the kids in a shopping therapy session, men I noticed tend to go for the big stuff! As women we are also more intuned with ourselves, and one another for that matter, when it comes to recognizing depression in ourselves and our friends in a way that men do not all do. He may not know WHY he feels the anger or the frustration with life in general, or how to act with those feelings. Especially if the first 24 years were happy. If your accident left you disabled, it must have been a serious one, he may never have "got over" that. (Something like a post traumatic stress syndrome.) And you having this surgery done signals that you have. If he came close to losing you during the accident, he may emotionally be unwilling as hell to take a chance on losing you during the surgery. While we KNOW that is a very, very rare happening, he may not be thinking clearly to reason that out.

I agree that NO reason is a good reason for abuse of any kind, be it emotional, physical, or verbal...but it sounds like this is a new situation for you. You are far too upset to have dealt with this for years. Do you have any medical coverage following the accident? Is there any way to get it to cover counseling, even if it just you that goes, they may be able to give you coping strategies. Because you too could have the PTSS thing....

I was in a very bad marriage, and dealt with about any kind of abuse you can imagine, but my marriage was never any good, there was nothing to repair or salvage, it sounds like there is in yours. I think the journal idea is good, as well as coming here, help vent out some emotion so you can be less emotional when dealing with him and his.

Good Luck to you, I will have you both in my prayers.

Kat

CandySmooch · June 21, 2006

I cannot even begin to tell you why men say such mean things for no reason. I hate it when my DH says I'm such a slob - and I'm not - its just that he's extremely anal from the way he grew up in dirt, roaches, & mice so I know he has issues with cleanliness and he goes overboard because I left a bill on the table and a load of clean clothes in the dryer - I get sooo sick of it! So then I ask him why he's such an asshole? We don't see eye to eye on certain things. Regardless mean and hurtful things never solve the underlying issues, but when you can't get them to say whats really on their mind - what can you do? Just rememebr ANGER IS ONLY A SECONDARY EMOTION TO AN UNDERLYING ISSUE and its his job to be man enough to tell you - and when they're not? I don't know - I think many of us face these same issues. Keep your chin up and see how things go - I know those things hurt like hell - they do to me - they hurt me to the core - and I know I've said mean things back in retaliation to see how he likes it but really it doesn't solve anything by bringing my character down. Just know that we are here to get you through your surgery and weight loss - we will lift you up when he puts you down - till the bitter end sweetie

xelapaul · June 21, 2006

Dear Sherri

I am in the medical field and I would suggest a possible medical solution. This is only a suggestion and ONLY MY OPENION. Everything I read before my post is wonderfull and hopefully will resolve your problems BUT, if it will continue and you want to stay maried to that man you might consider the following: (When I had my daughter, I developed post partum depression and my DH and I were on the verge of devorce. I cryed on my best friends sholder and she, after hearing me out, said..."Do you want to stay maried to your man?..." When I said "yes" she requested that I go see my PCP and ask to be placed on antidepresents (Celexa ended up working best for me). Now mind you, It did not change my husband's mean outbursts but, it changed my whole outlook on him, my child, and life overall. Its not that it all changed but I changed the way I reacted towards them. This medication helped me to BELIEVE that things will actually work out and be OK!!

What he says or does is really not very important (if you can't change his thought process anyway) but, with the help of the meds you will be able to FEEL better which is the most important thing you can do right now!!

Again this is only my openion and I would never put it forth as a gospil truth:) . It just helped me tolorate my mariage when it was on the rocks and enjoy it even more when it was smooth sailing

Hang in there it will get better one way or another

Xelapaul-----All of us are here for you:girl_hug:

THEQUEEN · June 21, 2006

Hoping Your Having A Better Today

Kat817 · June 22, 2006

Just checking in to see if you are ok. Marital issues seem to affect everything else in our lives, and I was kinda worried about you. Stop in and let us know you are alright.

Kat

beachgirl · June 22, 2006

Yes, Thank you so much for asking, things are some better. But, I still don't know where all of this crap is coming from. He still has been acting very nasty lately. If it were'nt for all of you caring so much I don't know what I would do. I am just trying to focus on me right now and when he says I'm lazy or starts in on my I just think, banded, banded, banded and then I get on here.

Thank you again for your concern, I truly do appreciate it.

Sherri