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Sex can't be the solution!



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Apparently the only sane person in my family is my mother who understands my need to get the help of the sleeve. She IS worried about the surgery obviously and would rather have me doing it here in our city, but she has read and talked about WLS with people. She is not happy but at least she isn't annoying me.

My sister... Well, I even opened a topic about her. Not supportive and getting angrier day by day as get I closer to the surgery date. She has already asked a friend to work for me for 4 weeks after the sleeve and she told my mother I won't be able to have my nephews over on Wednesday evening and night, which I normally do, and my mum'll have to look after them. Now I won't say anything, but if I am OK I will clearly go back to work and normal life asap, hopefully earlier than 4 weeks!

She is bitter, she hasn't documented herself about the surgery (she is my family doctor, she could easily do that) and she hasn't asked me anything. She pretends it's not gonna happen.

Now my hubby. I feel like strangling him. Instead of talking about the sleeve, when I try to, he looks in front of him without saying a word. He kept saying: "what if something goes wrong?", so I asked him to stop. There won't be anything I can do, if something goes wrong, so what's the point of the question?

I told him I need his support. I have to tell him almost everyday. But today he did his best:

What if you are not happy after the sleeve?

What if you don't like yourself then?

What if you don't lose weight?

Have you thought about that?

:confused: SERIOUSLY?

Now? Again?

We have been talking about it for months!

He is a doctor too, so why on earth hasn't he bothered to even look up on the internet what I am going to do?

I asked him and he said: "Well, it is a stomach surgery, isn't it?"

:mad0:

Why can't I have a little support here?

I told him it wouldn't be necessary for him to come with to Greece and he said fine he'll save the holidays for some other time. Wouldn't you have insisted at least once if it was your partner? I know I would.

I want to be worried about myself, not them.

I already plan to tell them that surgery will be like 4 hours after what it really is, so I will have time to get surgery, wake up and tell that surgery was anitcipated and everything went well.

Well, IF nothing goes wrong :wink5:

Anyway I shouted, told him I NEED some support (in case he didn't get in the last 4 months) and what does he do? He laughs and wants to have sex. I'd rather handwash our linen in the little kitchen sink!

Seriously. I am trying to talk and the only thing he seems to be interested is sex. How to explain that that does not help? That is so not the support I am looking for.

Sometimes I wish I were a man, life would be so easy. food, beer, sex, work and eventually sport and cars. So easy!

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I guess I should be glad then that my boyfriend was my BF and not my husband then; he knew I was having surgery and knew when and he chose not to contact me. When I called him on it his response was to turn it sexual. I stopped contact with him after that. It is a bummer that the people who should be most supportive in your life aren't. Just stay strong and be true to yourself - either they will get on board or they won't and if they would prefer for you to be miserable because that makes them happy, then maybe you need to take a long hard look at whether these people should be in your life.

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Being a guy I have to say I was first aghast that they turned the subject to sex, but then I had to really think of situations in my wife and my life and see that I've done or almost done it too.

We are sexual beings and men because of testosterone, more so. When panicked and seemingly cornered into a situation that we feel uncomfortable in we tend to turn to sex to make things right. I'm not saying it IS right, I'm just saying to some guys SEX is a "comfort food" that they turn to when pinned down.

I have to wonder, is PART of their fear the fact that you will get skinny and more "attractive" to the world and leave them? Surprisingly that was my wifes biggest fear and she too turned to affection (light weight substitute for sex) as her coping mechanism.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but perhaps you could go along with them, give them what they want and maybe THEN they will be ready to cope with the issue and finally talk. I know this seems like "giving in" but perhaps they really need it to get through the situation.

If they continue to act this way and ignore you and fail to support you, then dump their ass. Perhaps that will get them talkin'.

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I'd let him explore his fears. What if something happened.... Explore that question even talking about what if you died. Like rootman mentioned what if you got very skinny....what would happen. Talk about all these questions a million times if it takes that. At least he's having a dialog with you on it. If he didnt' care he wouldn't ask questions. I understand you aren't getting the support you need but we are here for you. As far as going for sex, ummm, I don't know about that. Maybe he just wanted to be done with that convo and be close to you. Good luck and keep us updated. I find having Drs in the family they are THE most difficult/stubborn/hardheaded.

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I listened to your comments and suggestions. I even tried to go through fears, asked him if he had any, or if he had any questions and he said "Nothing!". Of course.

Then, thinking about it a few day later, I guess I'll just have to keep him like he is :) ...

He has gone though a lot with me: frustation, anger, decision to go through surgery, lending me the money (so that I can pay him back month by month),.. I don't know if I could have survive someone like me. And if S.. has to be the solution, sometimes, I guess I can deal with it...

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Why do we women complicate everything, we spend so much time and energy thinking about the what ifs the this and the that, we don't ever get to have fun this way. Your husband is an MD and usually these guys are not trained to get too excited over things, it's the nature of the business they are in, rational, calm, collected. It sounds to me like you are wanting support from your family, the support you need must come from you not outside sources as you can see they are causing you to stress. As for your husband wanting sex you should listen to that instead of getting mad have fun, be intimate this is how man connect...maybe afterwards he'll come to the moon with you if you ask. I am sure he gets plenty of attention at work so make sure you are giving it to him at home-just a little pearl of wisdom. You have a great husband, stop activating so much cortisol, life is wonderful after the sleeve whether you have support or no support. Oh and let your sister be angry that's HER problem to deal with not YOURS.biggrin.gifSee you over the rainbow!

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your husband is lending you the money to be paid back month by month???? i think there are more issues then your wls. hope things get better. kelly

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I agree with kbl. Good luck with everything.

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Your husband is lending you the money to get this surgery??? What's happening there? Doctor or not, you have tried talking to him and have asked him for support. Having sex (at that moment) is not going to get you the response you need from him.

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I forgot to share about the lending money thing, ok...Houston...we got a problem, if it were my husband I'd start charging for sex then we'd see who would have to pay who back, that's ridiculous even if he was working at Taco Bell that's just annoying I would have a fit, put a piggy bank next to the nightstand;)tongue.gif

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Well, I have to say I don't find it strange. I guess it's just a different way of seeing things... I couldn't get my 6000 euros all together, so I asked him to lend me the money and I'll pay him back when I can (no added interests :)). He does pay for everything: rent, holidays, clothes,.. Even the holidays I take alone with his sister or the weekends I go visit my friendsaway from my city. He didn't agree at all with this surgery, so this was a thing I had to do on my own. This week I should get paid from the university I worked for last semester, so I will be able to give him back like 2000 euros. Step by step.

And! just an update, sex isn't an issue anymore, now he's decided he's not interested in it anymore... A payback?

Since I got back home from surgery I have tried my best to be nice, sweet, understanding, I did my best, but it felt like I was dealing with an iceberg. I guess he must have felt the same way before I had surgery (I was bitchy, I know that).

Let's hope one day he'll think we are even and we can start having a normal life together again!

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Men are very insecure about these things. . . they think that the minute we lose our weight we are going to run off with some one else. . . ugh. . . mine wouldn't even come to the seminar for over 2 years, kept telling me NO I DO NOT SUPPORT YOU. . . irk . . . well I continued and finally the dude comes to the seminar. . . .initially I wanted the band, so at the seminar he was asking all these questions, I just sat and listened. . . after the seminar we were walking to the car in silence and I said finally "so what do you think" he said "I don't and won't support you with the band, but I will support you with the sleeve" God I almost fell over, I just looked at him and said really? He said yes the sleeve only. . .

OK! well i got a loan and had my surgery about 2 months later. . . I guess all that he wanted was to be involved in the process. . . he did have the odd behavior about me "leaving him" but i explained why would I want to train someone else when he is already so well trained? Ice breaker. . . now things are ok, but I've gotten some severe malabsorption issues happening now and now he's yapping again. . . but hey, it's done, I've lost 150 lbs and haven't died. . . soooo he can keep yapping. . .

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I have a tendency to fly off the handle when people criticize me or if I don't feel I'm being respected or taken seriously. My husband had major concerns about safety, and at first I would kinda freak out of him. Then we went to a counselor to talk about it. We pretty much have come to the point that I definitely need surgery to help me, and I must accept that my hubby is scared and nervous for me. He also realizes this is my decision and knows that I have researched it properly, and he has also spoken with my surgeon about his concerns. That really helped him. And me. I'm no longer contemplating death or divorce. Life is good. :)

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And me. I'm no longer contemplating death or divorce. Life is good. :)

I suppose you meant MURDER or divorce :D

We men can be a demanding lot!

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bilka, my perspective: Your husband is used to controlling you and you've been letting him. When you started defying him, he changed the topic and tried to make it sexual to cover up his lack of control. Now you defied him and had the surgery, he is punishing you by withholding sex. Sound familiar?

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