I don't know how to lie (which does backfire at times even though I'm never malicious) so I had to come here and just admit something...

I was banded almost 2 weeks ago on May 6 (a Monday). I just turned 21 the week before and I think I am just too young to go through such a life change. I completely (I mean I was eating up until the night before my surgery) FAILED on my 2 week pre-op diet. I was so afraid to let go of the foods I loved and, though I have followed every requirement post surgery (10 days liquids, now on day 3 of mushy/pureed foods), I am just miserable inside. It is very likely when I check the scale in the morning I will have lost 30 lbs, and I am proud of it, but I don't think I had the right motivations going into this. Sure I would like to feel healthier, but it was much more that I feel so ugly on the outside to the point where I do not allow any non-face only pictures to be taken.

I do want to lose weight and I know it is good for me, but with the lap band I truly did not realize that it would force me to give up a lot of what made me happy in life. The fact that I can literally never have my favorite food ever again (Chinese Fried Rice) and probably other foods too is something I am so regretful of with having this surgery. I have a nauseous appetite (at times now I only want water; the THOUGHT of other stuff even drinks makes my mouth have the nauseous feeling), only go the d-word in my BMs (though Imodium does work), and have spasm pains near my port and on the other side of my belly throughout the days that the nurse couldn't figure out because the mandatory esophagram showed nothing wrong in my body.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what to do. I'd do ANYTHING to go into a restaurant, to be able to order food again and be able to enjoy stuff still with the intention of being healthier with my choices. When I pass by a restaurant outside, I automatically sigh... and I watch a ton of cooking videos of foods I miss on YouTube. The therapist I went to for my psych evaluation should've failed me I feel so stupid even though I've come so far.

Thanks for listening and would appreciate any advice.

-Mark

Ahhhhh all the positive responses full of encouragement really is overwhelming to see in the BEST way possible! Thank you ALL for taking time to help me through this... I can't put to words how much it means to me. I think the best lesson I can take away from everything is that I have to enjoy myself throughout my journey and realize that this decision is not an end-all-happiness thing.

Sending my best to you all... I feel motivated and proud of my choice again <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />

This is going to sound stupid and oversimplified to you - at least it sounded like that to me when I was where you are on my journey but... You must find ways to"be happy" "reward" yourself "enjoy" that are Not food related OR you will not find the freedom you seek. That does NOT mean find "heathy" food substitutes and ways to "be happy" using food that's just healthier lower cal choice. It DOES mean finding new ways to "be happy" like painting, writing, hiking, racing, book groups, singing, building, dating, swimming, etc... It takes time but you can find fulfillment in other ways and its important to your hunt for freedom.

I try to live by this Mission Statement:

Mission statement on Food

Use Food only to nurture and strengthen my body so I can have more exciting and fuller experiences.

Never use food to honor or Celebrate a day/person/experience/occasion or to "feel" or to NOT "feel" an emotion such as happiness, sadness, boredom, frustration, panic, fear, stress.

Never use food to connect or build a bridge to a person or place.

It is only with a more Healthy strong body that I can have the energy, endurance, strength and vitality to maximize every experience life has to offer.

Lee

That's helpful, Lee, thank you I actually do have a lot of hobbies, just not as many physical ones as I would like. I am extremely passionate about music and am a singer (though I doubt anyone here is interested in hearing my song covers, haha), I do graphic design and just opened a page on Facebook for it. I would love to really get into painting now that I think about it... in physical activity, I love to swim - can't wait for 3 weeks since there is a pool in my apartment building - and I enjoy traveling a whole lot, especially cruising!

That's helpful' date=' Lee, thank you <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> I actually do have a lot of hobbies, just not as many physical ones as I would like. I am extremely passionate about music and am a singer (though I doubt anyone here is interested in hearing my song covers, haha), I do graphic design and just opened a page on Facebook for it. I would love to really get into painting now that I think about it... in physical activity, I love to swim - can't wait for 3 weeks since there is a pool in my apartment building - and I enjoy traveling a whole lot, especially cruising![/quote']

Nice!! You are ahead of the game : ) you have skills and passions NOT attached to food dive into them fully - fearlessly ... Also you will likely find that you have more energy improved focus and confidence to pursue your passions as you flush the garbage (SUGAR & Simple carbs) from your system. Exercise changes brain chemistry abs gets hormones to work for you rather than against you - start SOMETHING and add little each day. How exciting the road that you are on !

Lee

I'm only 9 days postop so I don't have a lot of experience yet. But one thing my Dr told me preop that has stuck with me, he said "you will mourn food for about 6 weeks postop". My Dr has had Lap Band so he speaks from experience. My point is what you are feeling is very normal in this process. Best wishes.

All I can say is ditto to all the above advice. It will get better and your favorite foods are not forbidden foods they are just foods to avoid. I'm very cautious with rice but I have fried rice post op and I have had no problem with it. I don't have it often but I have had it and it have not had any problems as of yet.

Good luck to you and I am confident you will overcome this! :-)

Keep your eye on the prize...healthier you and honestly you will feel and look better. I remember going through a sense of loss, almost like a death. I was low and felt punished. Even though I knew this was best for me, I went through a variety of emotions high and very low. This is just a process, you can control how it affects you. You are still in the beginning stage if your journey. I chose to spread my fills out over two years because quite honestly I was scared of restriction. So I took it as slow as I needed to. My surgeon and support staff knew this. Well I'm just a few pounds from final goal. I know you can do it!!! I still eat filet mignon, I have a couple of fries, I eat Spanish rice, I love Olive Garden noodles with Alfredo... And much more!!! But within small amounts, because I'm full after 3/4 cup. It's my life now and it will take time for you to embrace it. Let this journey take some time for you to heal and gain knowledge. You are going to do great.

I'm in NYC too, and got my surgery done by Fielding at NYU. Who did you have?

So look, I'm not going to get all sanctimonious with you about why you did this--cause you know about the lifestyle changes and your health and the big picture, yadda yadda.

What I think you're talking about though, is what it feels like to be an addict who's having their 'fix' taken away and you're freaking out. And you're absolutely right, the nutrition ladies at Fielding's office, while awesome, are nit going to be any help with this... I tried talking to them too.

First, Let me be TOTALLY clear about one thing. You WILL be able to eat again. You were banded recently so you're all swollen inside. But at some point that swelling will go down, and you'll need a full to feel the restriction you're feeling now. So much so that if you don't get a fill you'll gain whatever weight you lost back. Hooray. It will eventually be your choice. And if it makes you feel better, I eat fried rice all the time. Doesn't help my weight loss any, but it tastes good. And I can actually eat almost anything i want except beer. One sip of beer gave me horrible stabbing gas pains. But I drink diet coke. I just open the can in the fridge for a few hours and wait till it's flat to drink it!

Second, my suggestion is for you to find an OA meeting. The evening upper west side meetings have a hipper, younger and wealthier population than the rest of the city. A lot of 20-something anorexics, actually.

Alternately, you could have a few sessions with Dr Habermann, the shrink dude who probably did your psych evaluation. He wrote a book about food addiction.

But either way, you need to talk about the "I DONT WANT TO DO THIS" feelings of rebellion so you don't hurt yourself. Because like it or not, you've done it, you have it, and you're gonna have to deal with it. And I would guess that you do actually want this!

And finally, all that said, it WILL get easier! Just try to relax and go with the flow for a little while. And trust yourself!!!!! Try to stop controlling it, and go on autopilot. You won't crash.

:-)

You can still eat Chinese fried rice. Just not a ridiculous serving. I still enjoy my favorite foods, just on a much smaller scale. And that's enough for me because I've turned a negative into a positive. Instead of mourning that I cannot eat an entire restaurant serving, I've learned to love the fact I've got leftovers that I can eat on 2~3 times before they're gone. It's awesome!! Saves money, and instead of just savoring the flavor once, I can have it 2~3 times more. I love that! Lol

first of all,congrats on getting the surgery!! second of all,you are only 2 weeks post op,still not able to eat normally,prob on pain meds,still uncomfortable and gassy....with all of that going on,ofcourse you are gonna have regrets!!!! i remember having them as well...all i kept thinking was,wtf did i get myself into? lol....i was banded 7 months ago and lost 95 lbs so far....so,looking back,was it worth it?? YES!!!!! right now,you should just be concentrating on getting a lot of rest,walking when u can and giving your body a chance to heal!!! and believe me,the day you are able to eat solids again,your outlook will change! my first real meal after surgery was scrambled eggs with cheese,and i thought i was in heaven!!! lol good luck on your journey!!!

Hi Mark.

First' date=' depression is very natural after surgery. The chemicals in the anesthetic really effect some people. I know they do me big time. The physical issues you're dealing with will subside, too. You're only a week post op and your body has been through an awful lot but I promise you in a very short time you'll be feeling great again.

You talk about never having what you love again. Why would you think that? The only thing you "can't" have is carbonation. Otherwise, there is nothing you can't have in moderation once you're back on normal food and past your post op diet. In fact, I just had chicken fried rice for dinner tonight. I eat out at restaurants fairly often, too.

I believe living with the band is all about moderation not deprivation. If someone told me I could never have Chinese food, or pizza, or even Pasta again I'd never make it. If I feel deprived, it's like a trigger for me to binge and go nuts. I allow myself to eat what I want, I just don't eat unhealthy food daily and when I do am careful to track my calories so I still stay in my daily allowance. But I still eat everything I love, I just eat much less of it.

If I were you, I'd seriously consider counseling. Food addiction is very real and very difficult to deal with. A good counselor (or even a good support group) can help so much. There's a saying around here "the band goes around your stomach, not your head". The band will help you control hunger beautifully but it can't change your mental/emotional issues with food.

You can do this, Mark. You just have to look at it realistic (moderation not deprivation), focus on your future (how healthy you'll be), and get your head into the game (counseling).

Don't give up. You got this.

Best wishes.[/quote']

Hang in there Mark. I can relate to some of the things you are going through. I was banded on Monday 5/20/2013 and I am still on liquids and I am still a little hungry at times. I am afraid to return to work on Monday because I will still be on liquids and I'm thinking lord how am I going to make it at work with just liquids. Help me Jesus!Mark we have to hang in there together. I also have been depressed about the changes I have to make concerning food and thinking about all of the what Ifs.

I don't know how to lie (which does backfire at times even though I'm never malicious) so I had to come here and just admit something...

I was banded almost 2 weeks ago on May 6 (a Monday). I just turned 21 the week before and I think I am just too young to go through such a life change. I completely (I mean I was eating up until the night before my surgery) FAILED on my 2 week pre-op diet. I was so afraid to let go of the foods I loved and, though I have followed every requirement post surgery (10 days liquids, now on day 3 of mushy/pureed foods), I am just miserable inside. It is very likely when I check the scale in the morning I will have lost 30 lbs, and I am proud of it, but I don't think I had the right motivations going into this. Sure I would like to feel healthier, but it was much more that I feel so ugly on the outside to the point where I do not allow any non-face only pictures to be taken.

I do want to lose weight and I know it is good for me, but with the lap band I truly did not realize that it would force me to give up a lot of what made me happy in life. The fact that I can literally never have my favorite food ever again (Chinese Fried Rice) and probably other foods too is something I am so regretful of with having this surgery. I have a nauseous appetite (at times now I only want water; the THOUGHT of other stuff even drinks makes my mouth have the nauseous feeling), only go the d-word in my BMs (though Imodium does work), and have spasm pains near my port and on the other side of my belly throughout the days that the nurse couldn't figure out because the mandatory esophagram showed nothing wrong in my body.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what to do. I'd do ANYTHING to go into a restaurant, to be able to order food again and be able to enjoy stuff still with the intention of being healthier with my choices. When I pass by a restaurant outside, I automatically sigh... and I watch a ton of cooking videos of foods I miss on YouTube. The therapist I went to for my psych evaluation should've failed me I feel so stupid even though I've come so far.

Thanks for listening and would appreciate any advice.

-Mark

Mark...snap out of it! First of all, your weight is unhealthy and it is killing you a little more every day. There is no food on earth that tastes as good as being healthy feels. You are young compared to many of us on this journey, which is all the more reason for you not to give up. Imagine how great life will be 2, 5, 10 years from now when you are at a healthier weight. Try new foods, there just might be a healthy addiction you can substitute for fried rice. I don't want to give up several of my favorite foods and it hurts to think about that sometimes but then I remind myself that all of those goodies are the reason why I am now diabetic and have to address this critical matter now. You should think about all of the health hazards you will avoid by getting the band - high blood pressure, diabetes, joint pain...you know the list as well as I do. When you weigh that against the absence of things that were not good for you to begin with, the choice becomes a bit easier.

Don't give up...keep going, you loved fried rice but it didn't love you back. Trust me.

On June 6, I will Celebrate 7 years post-op. I can honestly say that there is nothing I cannot eat. Bread and meat can get stuck if I don't chew enough, but that's on me, not the band. I just had lunch at my favorite Indian restaurant and loved it as much as I always did before.

As others have said, you are still healing and this is a HUGE adjustment. My surgeon required a 6 week pre-op liquid diet and 3 days post-op Clear Liquids only. Then 2 weeks more of mushy food before moving on to soft foods and finally solid food. I would never have believed that it would be possible - and even now, I have a hard time imagining myself doing it. I will never forget my first scrambled egg post-op! It was the most delicious thing I have ever put in my mouth!

No matter how you look at it, a liquid diet is not natural. Humans are hard-wired to want food. It is a basic instinctual drive and it's purpose is survival. It's not a personal short-coming to want to eat! In fact, there is something wrong with you if you don't want to eat! That's why food tastes good. It's supposed to be rewarding so we'll keep doing it and not starve ourselves to death. So as others have said, don't beat yourself up for it. Survival behaviors are not moral weakness - they are smart.

Remember the guy who cut off his own arm when he got it stuck while rock-climbing by himself? Pretty impressive survival behavior! Almost everyone I've ever talked to knows who I am talking about because he was a hero and plastered all over the news and talk shows. Now - what would have happened if he had not been in a life or death situation and did the same thing? As a psychologist, I can tell you - he would have been committed immediately for self-harm. It's the very same behavior, but the context makes all the difference in how we perceive it. One is considered heroic survivalism, the other is considered self-mutilation.

The problem is, in our society, we don't face famine and the real possibility of starving to death, as our ancestors did. So that drive to eat as much as we can, whenever we can, backfires on us. We don't need that survival behavior, so we look kind of crazy and it just becomes self-defeating behavior. To make matters worse, our society has this obsession with unrealistic body images. For those of us whose bodies are very fuel efficient, the excess is stored and on display for all the world to see and judge.

Don't try to defeat the natural drive for food. You won't win and will always feel deprived. The beauty of the band is that you don't have to try to defeat the instinct to eat until you are full. You still will eat until you are full. You will just be full much sooner.

The hard part is learning to stop when you are full. Seven years later, I still have a hard time when there is still food on my plate and my band says stop. It's even worse when there are just a few bites left on the plate. I will also admit that sometimes when I am eating something really good, I am sad when I have to stop. And sometimes, I just want what I want when I want it. That's why I learned how to defeat the band and I have gained back 50 of the 140 pounds I lost. So now I have another fill and I'm learning to respect the band again.

Make it your partner, not your enemy. The way I have come to think about it, the band is the reason I can eat my favorite foods, not the reason I can't. Without the band, I'm back to "dieting" with certain foods (most of the good ones, in my opinion) "off limits."

Hang in there and keep with the therapy to continue to develop coping skills besides food for the emotional eating. The rest will take care of itself!

Shelly

Mark... we hear your pain, but the advice you have been given is sound. There is nothing I cannot eat today that I could eat before surgery. It is a matter of degree and choices. What you feel is perfectly normal and we will all be here to support you.

What better time than at 21 when you have your whole life ahead of you to live to make this transition. You have only 21 years of bad habits to overcome... I had 63 years. It is a matter of deciding how you want to live, I chose albeit late in life to live healthy! Best wishes to you going forward.

Small reminder why you did this...

Today I went to The Gap and bought a pair of jeans!!!!! I have NEVER fit in Gap jeans in my whole life. And I also cut my hair short today, which I've also never done because my face has been too fat. And it looks awesome.

I'm a rebel. I don't always follow the rules. I eat around the band about half the time. I've been stressed out and have eaten Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (the full sized package) every day this week. It's bad, but I'm STILL losing weight. I can't binge. And I do try to eat healthy about half the time. I'm probably losing slower than a lot of people, but I'm okay with that. Because today I stepped on the scale after not weighing for two months and found that, to my SHOCK, I'm under 200 pounds! With my boots on!!!!!!!

You can do it. The band will get you a lot of the way there without doing a whole heck of a lot. And if you want to get really thin you can take it the rest of the way.

You are in control. And you're going to be ok!!!

You all have been so, so helpful and encouraging. Monday I'd lost 30.1 lbs, bringing me down to 326.9... being newly on solids, I gained almosr EIGHT pounds back since then bringing me to 334.5... I am SO ashamed of myself this really is bandster hell - feels like the band doesn't even exist other than port pain now that I am much less sore now.