"You're Not The Same Anymore"

[skinnymini 0]

That's what my husband said to me today. He doesn't want to touch me because he said he may hurt me, when words hurt more. I'm a very touchy feely wife. I was like this before surgery, and today I feel 80% better and I wanted to be held but he wouldn't touch me. I wanted to guide him to my scars which have gauze over them. He drew back like I had some abnormalty or something. Before I went in he was fine, until a coupe of days before then he was all like "I don't think I want you to get this done." I thought maybe it was from the death factor, which he said it was, but I'm alive, and here. But now he's all like I've lost my eating partner, and I watch you take 1-2 hours to finish a bowl of oatmeal when it would have normally have taken you about 15 min if that. I told him it's supposed to be this way, in the liquid phase I drink until the hunger is gone. Then I drink more when it comes back. Basically. Then he's all like " For the rest of your life you'll have to see a doctor to make sure what you're eating and drinking isn't affecting you, and you'll have to take pills for the rest of your life." I told him that what he was saying wasn't exactly true, and if he would have been open to going to the meetings with me and the doctor's visits then he may not have felt this way. But I guess to see someone in pain and actually going through it is different. He hates to see me in pain or be in pain himself. But now he's got me crying and he's all apologetic, but his words really hurt me. I thought he was supportive, I mean it's great in theory but when it actually comes time to be supportive you have to be there for a person, not let me eat 4 pretzels :nono:knowing I shouldn't just because I'm having an unbelievable craving. I mean I'm incredibly happy that I began this journey to a better me, but I still can't say that if I would have known that he really felt this way and was just saying that he didn't just so we could stop and so he can stop seeming so unsupportive, that I would have not gone through with this. Does this make me a bad person, a bad wife? Am I pushing? Someone :help: I'm so I just want to scream :angry

:pout: what to do

:think Marcelle

[Carrie22803 0]

Oh, sweetie, no. This is a big change in more ways than one. It is ok for him to be a little frightened and uncertain of how things will be now that you have had this procedure. People are scared of change and things they don't know or understand on a very basic level. But what's not ok is for him to make you cry or to make you feel like you have done something wrong and regret your decision. This was YOUR decision. It is YOUR body you have to deal with everyday, YOUR mental health and the things that go along with it. I'm sure he is scared that he has lost his eating partner, and you're going to be all thin and hot, and maybe he's afraid of where that will leave him. It also sounds like he's scared for your health, complications that may arise, and the big step you took. It's true, if he had found out some information beforehand, maybe he wouldn't be so emotionally unsupportive. Because right now, what he's thinking about is himself. How your surgery is affecting HIM. And while we all have the tendency to do that, that's not what he needs to be doing right now. As the person who is supposed to honor and cherish you, he needs to be your partner and offer you some support, because this is hard on you, too. This is a lifestyle change of great proportions. Maybe he resents you a little for making that change, for making him change as a byproduct, but the bottom line is you need your husband. Your friend. I think maybe you should try and talk to him calmly about what is bothering him, or why he's acting the way he is. If you don't think that will work, I always find it useful to write a letter because I can get out all my thoughts and emotions better, and they can read it and take the time to absorb the content. The truth is, you are not going to be the same person you were before surgery. It really is a whole new life. Sometimes the people we love can't make that leap to a new life with us, and it sucks. A lot of people on this site have had marital problems, separation, and even divorce after their surgery. I am sure there were already underlying factors, but that is the reality. And still, many people have wonderful and supportive spouses that may have balked a little in the beginning, but came around in the end. I'm sure your husband will come around, this is just a little new and scary for both of you. I hope things get better, let me know....but for now, hugs & kisses,

[Teresita 0]

marcelle "you're not the same anymore", that was the purpose of having the surgery .....to change..... to be happy with yourself, to love yourself more. Carrie really hit the nail on the head. We all have insecurities and when we see our loved ones going through something we don't always know how to interpret it and men they really don't know what to do or say.

Once I had surgery my friends did diffrent things. Some of them stopped calling much less came by to check on me. Some of them I haven't heard from sense. Some of them have come back around and can talk about the surgery, now that they see I haven't shrank down to a super model. LOL

Change is hard to deal with weather you are having the surgery or watching someone have the surgery.

[Sofla Kate 16]

I dont mean to be insensitive, but you really do not need all this drama now. You made a proactive decision to save your life, possibly, be proud and strong. If your spouse needs more time to adjust, then fine. Change takes time. Congrats on your new healthy journey!

[skinnymini 0]

Thanks to everyone who left words of comfort for me. This is truely helpful at this point, I feel a little more prepared to handle how he's feeling. Thanks again

Marcelle