Different stories, don't judge, don't be judged, my blog

[Cangel76 1]

I think we all have different reasons for being here. Some people have eating issues. Some people, no matter what they do they gain weight or can't get it off. Some people have medical conditions that cause them to gain weight, or they are on certain meds that caused them to gain weight and they can't get it off.

I think that it is important to not assume that everyone has eating issues. It is important to not assume everyone has a medical condition.

For people who have eating issues, I have a friend going through this, the battle with food is constant and it's hard. It isn't anything that is easy and a surgery like this isn't going to solve the problem alone. Therapy and other follow up care is usually needed. My poor girlfriend who is struggling with eating issues is working hard to correct her relationship with food and decided that she is going to get surgery to help with the weight loss now. Her relationship is starting to turn around thanks to therapy and so she is planning on the surgery. I constantly offer her support and sometimes she lets me know what her food plans are for the day.

For me, one of my guiltiest things is eating out. I put on most of my weight when I was in my 20's. I had money to burn and instead of cooking I ate out a lot. I had a gym membership when I had a good job and I lost a great deal of weight that I put on. I got pregnant with my son and things went down hill. The company I worked for closed, money became tight, I was a single mother so we were living off of Hot Dogs, macaroni and cheese, corn and green Beans. I had to make do with what I had. I began to put on a pound a week. My 130 frame ballooned with in a year. While I was working I started falling asleep at the wheel driving. Finally found out my thyroid was a mess, and that I needed meds. I took meds for a six months when an Endocronologist said, "stop the meds, you are soo young and it isn't that bad." Hoshimotos took over my body for the next 7 years, putting on weight, more and more, no matter how I ate I gained. I became pregnant with my daughter and was rushed over to a new Endo and they were concerned. The put me on meds right away for the babies health. I started to regulate again and lost 15lbs during pregnancy. I gave birth to my daughter and became depressed. I probably ate some things I shouldn't have. I put back on the 15lbs and decided enough is enough. I went back to the gym and altered my diet again, to meat and veggies. I had a personal trainer and I kept a strict food diary. I counted calories, fat, carbs and sugars. I worked hard at the gym 5 days a week and on saturday and Sunday would walk. I went back to the gym and was measured after a week I gained half a pound and my trainer assured me that I am probably just gaining muscle faster than loosing fat. I worked my muscles and cardio for 5 weeks. I went from 220 to 230. In my frustration I decided it didn't matter anymore and for six months fetl sorry for myself. I ate brownies and Cookies and only put on 4lbs. I went to my OBGYN sobbing, sobbing my eyes out and said, "I just can't live like this anymore, what are my options." He was very sympathetic and he believed me, seeing other women fight with weight loss. "Once you put it on you can't get it off and sometimes it isn't even anything specific you do to put it on. You don't have to do one thing wrong to create this weight issue, you could do everything right." He suggested the band and I followed up with my primary, who also suggested the band.

So here I am, finally loosing weight and feeling great. I have no desire to eat brownies anymore. My biggest love is chocolate and I only give myself two days that I can treat myself, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I haven't had a fill up to this point so the hunger was making me crazy. We have chips, chocolate, cookies, etc in the house. The kids get cookies every couple of days as a snack so I thought, "what if I allow myself that same kind of limit." My kids are tall and thin, my son is ten and weighs 91 lbs and is all muscle, my daughter, tall, thin muscular girl. They are beautiful and people never think they are my kids.

People assume if you are fat it is what you eat, that kills me. If it was just our dining habits I would have round kids too. My husband is heavy and admits his problem is with food. He loves food, loves the taste of food, I on the other hand could careless about food. I eat because I have to. I watch his family fill there plates to the brim, two or three times. It is crazy and it makes me sick to think about eating that much food.

Anyway, that is all. I guess I am just tired of the assumptions of how people gain their weight. I am so tired of people judging us based on our weight. "Oh that person is over weight so they must be binging, or that person is over weight so they must be trying to heal themselves with food, that person is over weight so they must eat out all the time." It is funny, if you go out to eat when you are overweight people assume you must do this a lot. One of the things I do when I go out to eat is get a take out container right away and cut out just a small portion of the meal to eat. I have done this forever, a lady looked at me weird when I said, "it helps to reduce the calories I take in, out of site out of mind." Then she looked at me like I must eat it all on the way home or something. I then cut that 2/3s of the meal in half again and eat that at home as seperate meals, or my hubby eats it.

I am not fat because I don't know how to eat or how to count calories. I don't use dressings, I have always used low fat mayo and less then the "amount" of the serving listed on the label. I could not do anything more than I had already done to loose this weight. I thought, fought and cried myself to sleep because I did not want to die in a few years because I am fat. I wanted to be able to chase my kids around on the beach or play in the yard. I did not want surgery, I wanted surgery even less than I wanted to be fat. I was sure I should be able to do this on my own and when I couldn't I was crushed. Before my thyroid and PCOS was really bad, Weight watchers worked. Now it didn't, before the gym and diet worked, now it didn't. Now it was time to find a solution that did and this is working.

I just wish the world would stop judging, even those who suffer from obesity. We need to not only stop judging others and their journey, but we need to stop being so harsh on ourselves. So what if we only loose half a pound one week, it means we get back on track the next week, don't let guilt take you over. We all have off days, off weeks, but it doesn't mean we can't bring ourselves back around.

I have studied addiction, I study psychology, I understand the process when the mind becomes our worst enemy, be it chemical or circumstantial.

We must remember to love ourselves in order to heal our souls and forgive ourselves.

Even if medical conditions got us here, at some point we gave up on ourselves and just started living life and not worrying about it. Like the problem would resolve itself. I am glad I waited this long, as I wasn't obese enough for surgery until about four years ago and then I ended up pregnant and back on hypothyroid meds. I thought that, coupled with excercise I would start loosing. When I didn't, this time, I didnt hit ground zero depression, I went to my doctors and asked what there was to help me. I am being proactive, and to me that is the best gift I can give myself and my family.

My son said to me the other day, "Mom, pretty soon I will be able to wrap my arms tight around you, you are loosing weight and looking great." I looked at him and smiled he then said, "and even better you are feeling better, you are doing more and you smile a lot more. I am so happy you are my Mom." He is ten and he is one of the blessings I am fighting this fight for. My two and a half year old needs a Mommy for the next 16 years and I want to do my best to be here.