Divorce/Split Rates post lap band

[tinksmom 0]

Weight loss or any body/health change for good or ill can add a lot of stress to anyone's life. If you lost your weight any other way it would be the same. Add to this the fact that many band women have probably been the ones to mother kids and their husbands over the years while neglecting their own health issues...well, quite a shift in focus. Another stressor. And there is the undeniable fact that some men...women too...are attracted to one body type and unable to desire another type...heavier or slimmer. It's interesting...and difficult when all the issues we neverreally thought about before pop up after this change. My husband reacts to me having surgery and needing help by getting sick...really physically, look-at-the-test-results sick. Had a gout attack in his knees after my banding, and a painful back after my carpal tunnel release. Annoting and I'd yell...but he has test results so what can I do. (At least until my hands are better and I can dig a large hole in the backyard by the light of the moon.)

[CurvyCat 0]

@ tinksmom :

I thought my husband was the only one who did that sort of thing! hehehe

Not on that scale, but pretty much any time I'm in need of some TLC because I've been sick (or post-partum), he gets sick or sleep-deprives himself into getting sick so it ends up that I'm taking care of him instead.

This morning, for example -- I was banded yesterday, btw -- he says he thinks he's coming down with something, went on about how miserable he feels and how he didn't get any sleep last night. So while he's getting himself ready for work, I ended up having to get our daughter fed and ready for day camp. She's not a morning person at all, so she has to have someone riding her to keep her moving in the morning, and he was TOO tired and run down to do it. So, my newly-banded self got to run the mommy gauntlet at 6am. LOL

Frustrating to say the least. Guess I'd better make sure to train my kiddos to take care of me in my old age, because I don't think he's going to do it.

Hrmmm..... I wonder when the next full moon is, anyways. :devil_smile:

That all said, I think we'll weather the banding and weight loss OK. He met me at 170 and has been with me through the many ups and downs of yo-yo dieting over the last almost 14 years. Heck, maybe he'll decide to do it himself at some point, though that might be stretching it. I don't think he's over 40 BMI anyways, but he does have at least 1 comorbidity.

I think he'd be more upset if I decided to go for breast implants than if I got skinny.

[elcee 3,343]

I think he'd be more upset if I decided to go for breast implants than if I got skinny. :devil_smile:

And I thought all men wanted their wives/partners to have bigger breasts!

Can't believe how selfish some of your partners are.I don't think I would have lasted this long with behaviour like that. The tree would already be growing over the hole in the garden!

Good job some people have patience.

[TracyNYC 4]

Me3, I am sorry to hear you are having problems. I am single so can not speak to the marriage part, but I think all relationships change when one party makes a change. My 2 good friends have been really distant since the weight started to come off. An acquaintance has lost almost the same as I have the "real" way. I have changed. While I was never a shrinking violet, I am certainly much more clear about what I accept from people in general. I think those we love fear those changes and a spouse, being the closest one, would feel it the most.

Good Luck. Maybe some couple counseling? I don't know, just a suggestion.

[onenuttynurse 0]

I can see where you are coming from. I have always been confident whatever size I was and my husband never had a problem with my size. I have never wore a wedding ring for the 20 years we have been married, all of a sudden he says"I think you better starting wearing your wedding ring"..LOl..he is concerned that men will not know i am married..Hello, its not like thats something I will forget..Jeeezzz. He is somewhat concerned that I will leave hime for someone else...To ease his mind I said..."if that was the case I would have left a long time ago"......enough said.......

[bambam31 168]

So... that would explain why my wife was searching for the lunar calendar while asking where the shovel was.... :devil_smile:

When only one person in the marriage makes a commitment to improve their health I think it adds a lot of strain. That was a point of discussion by the psychologist I saw as part of the pre-op approval process.

My wife and I actually undertook a healthier lifestyle together (she wasn't banded though because she wasn't big enough to qualify) which probably alleviated a fair amount of anxiety. We are both happier and more confident people now and I think that has made our marriage more secure.

I wish everyone the best in their own relationships!

Brad

[emjay 8]

I think it is very common for the spouse to have doubts and insecurities. As you change and your significant other sees those changes it can present problems if they are not willing to be supportive.

I am very lucky. My husband came on board after we discussed it a couple of times prior to surgery and we have helped each other to keep up with the exercising and eating better. We are trying to cope with the changes together and that makes it work. If you feel like it's a battle and are belittled and made to feel guilty because of the positive changes in your life it's only natural for you to drift apart.

It's important to reassure your partner that you will still be together through it all and that even though you have changed, your feeling toward the other have not.

Am I different? Yes! More assertive (in a good way), happier, I dress differently, am more outgoing, want to do more things in social situations and am enjoying life. My husband is not overly complimentary, but he is there for me and he does notice the attention I've been getting, but is not jealous of it. I think he it makes him puff up a bit actually!

I feel for what your going through. Some partners are not supportive and it creates a tremendous strain on the relationship. I wish you the best in the future.

[~amy~ 1]

My husband reacts to me having surgery and needing help by getting sick...really physically, look-at-the-test-results sick. Had a gout attack in his knees after my banding, and a painful back after my carpal tunnel release. Annoting and I'd yell...but he has test results so what can I do. (At least until my hands are better and I can dig a large hole in the backyard by the light of the moon.)

Tink, you are cracking me UP!!! My hubs does the SAME thing, only there are usually absolutely no test results to back him up. The day after returning home from delivering each of our 3 children, he would always get "sick," and have to take to the bed. This is also the same man who actually limps when he has a cold. Seriously? Like, why are you LIMPING???? Errrr....:devil_smile:

LOL! Things started off kind of rocky during my pre-op diet, but after my surgery, he took really good care of me, so I can't complain too much. But I can't help but make fun of him when he does silly stuff like that!! He does "joke" a lot about me up and leaving him once I get "skinny," though. I just laugh and say, "Well, I guess you better behave yourself then!" lol!!

[BetsyB 9]

Divorce statistics after bariatric surgery are VERY high. If the person who has surgery was "normal" weight when s/he met his/her partner, the odds seem to be higher that the couple will weather the big changes associated with big weight loss.

I'm struggling in my marriage now--with issues that predated banding. I was not aware of most of them. Those that I were, I now have more confidence to address assertively; those that are new are being confronted instead of attributed to something I somehow "deserved" because of my obesity. The dynamic has changed--for me, for the better. I am not sure my marriage will survive and thrive. But I will.

[missgypsy 1]

i can relate to some of the things being said lol sad...the guys at my hubbys work have told him i'm going to get all skinny, go out all the time, wear a two piece swim suit and get me a new man. ummm don't think so! i have to much invested in him now lol. it's like i told him one reason i wanted to do this was to loose weight feel better about myself to where i'm not so bitchy. do things with the boys now without having to worry about if i look fat or sweating or my joints are hurting. plus if i loose weight and feel better about myself then our marriage will be better because we arent fighting because i'm bitching about something and in turn our sex life will start rocking again. just not to same old boring thing. lol

[tinksmom 0]

We've been through a lot in 34 years and I'm sure we'll get through this as well. (The do-it-yourself kitchen remodel almost did us in, though.) And this is not a conscious selfishness on his part...when I point it out, in my usual tactful way of course, he is appalled. But gout...his main malady...is auto-immune and can be triggered by stress. I guess he is much more stressed when I am sick than I am. (Plus his mother used to buy him presents and make special meals when he was sick...she still would if I let her.) For my part, I am hardly an angel of mercy, either. Sickos in my house get three days sympathy...then they'd better get well or be dead.

[sparkplug 106]

The only snide remarks and put downs are from co-workers who have gotten lazy and fat and cannot accept that I did something about my weight. My husband has been the main support for me from day of surgery and he is assured everyday that I only did this for better health and long life to better take care of him. My husband is so proud of me that he brags to everybody that will listen how great I look and wonderful I am. Gotta love him still after 31 years together!!!

[~amy~ 1]

My husband has been the main support for me from day of surgery and he is assured everyday that I only did this for better health and long life to better take care of him. My husband is so proud of me that he brags to everybody that will listen how great I look and wonderful I am. Gotta love him still after 31 years together!!!

That's so awesome!!! :thumbup:

[PuppyBandit 2]

A lady who used to work in my building went wild once she got skinny from gastric bypass. I heard her in the breakroom many times. She started dressing slutty to the point the office had to tell her not to wear revealing clothing lol. She went to a tanning bed so much she looked like leather, it was abnormal looking.

It was awful to be around her, she turned into a ho.

She was partying when her hubby was out of town and eventually left him. She lost her job and I hear she is living with a drunk now.

She substituted food addiction with liquer and went wild.

[~amy~ 1]

A lady who used to work in my building went wild once she got skinny from gastric bypass. I heard her in the breakroom many times. She started dressing slutty to the point the office had to tell her not to wear revealing clothing lol. She went to a tanning bed so much she looked like leather, it was abnormal looking.

It was awful to be around her, she turned into a ho.

She was partying when her hubby was out of town and eventually left him. She lost her job and I hear she is living with a drunk now.

She substituted food addiction with liquer and went wild.

That's so sad. I think her problems went way deeper than food. :thumbup: