To Tell or Not to Tell?

[BetsyB 9]

I'm not a rooftop-shouter, but I don't conceal it, either. I mean, it's not like I could conceal being morbidly obese. And it's not like I can conceal that I'm losing weight--more weight than I have in a very long time. To any observer, it's obvious that I'm eating differently. It's obvious something has changed dramatically; if people know that a gastric band is involved, it doesn't change ...well, anything.

I made the decision to be open because a father of one of my son's friends told me about his surgery. He was banded a few years ago, and when I asked him how he had lost weight, he was fleetingly hesitant, and told me. And it made a huge difference for me when I was in the decision-making process.

If I can make that kind of difference for anyone, it will be worth any momentary discomfort I might experience.

(I figure anyone who would judge is already judging me--for being fat, for not losing before now, for [fill in the blank]. I am sure they will continue to judge long after I'm normal weight. They'll just have to come up with something more creative, like how long I let my grass get between mowings or how loud I play the music in my car.)

[2beskinny 4]

For me, I have told people. Before the surgery I told my parents and a few others. And now afterwards, I've told more. I'm not ashamed of having the surgery but was ashamed at how I let myself get this way. I am so proud that I have finally put myself first for a change and taking control of my life... and the rest of my life. I've only had positive feedback from everyone. Funny thing is I really thought someone you say "hey you don't need it" but no one did. I knew I was making the right choice and will glad spread the word to help others take control of their lives as well.

I play the same situation in my head...when I think about telling people, they would say i really dont need it...haha...reality check! No one would say that to me anymore! I think if I decide to tell more people it will be after the surgery as well. I especially don't want to hear all the "scary" stories about wls BEFORE my turn that people would undoubtably share with me :scared2:

[Holtzclawk 0]

I have told a lot of people. I was tired of getting rude comments from total strangers and even my ob doctor. For years I have struggled and had tried many prescription meds, my ob doctor told me duct tape works well, it hurts when you pull it off. How sweet! Then while getting a pedicure, talking to the girl that has done my nails for years the man in the next chair said, "you don't need that, just stop eating" of course I had to look at him and say, "sure, just like you can stop breathing"

I say, hold your head up and take care of yourself.

[2beskinny 4]

I was happy to see this post as I too have been struggling with telling. I guess the biggest reason I didn't want to tell was "what if I fail again", maybe even this won't help me lose the weight? Then the internal struggle about keeping it a secret began to eat at me, because it really is difficult to explain why you are only drinking Optifast shakes for two weeks and can't go out to eat with friends (I have not had my band yet - May 18th). My future daugher in law's shower and stagette is the weekend after my procedure. Her Mom and sister as well as her and her bridesmaid are all staying here...how am I gonna explain the fact that I can't drink with them or eat any of the goodies at the shower? Right now the only ones who know are my husband and my kids (who are all grown up and support me in this). I guess I feel that it really isn't anyone else's business and I don't care what they think about it...but I don't want to hear it either. This is about my life and my ability to lose weight and if they knew how hard this is, I would hope they would understand.:scared2:

I have several social situations as well that could be a factor depending upon when exactly my surgery gets scheduled. I have thought long and hard about how I'm going to handle them. One time, during an especially motivated weight loss attempt, we were invited to friends house for dinner. Not a big group, mind you, but still an eating/drinking trigger. I actually brought my own food, drank only Water, and told my friend that I was just beginning a diet and was trying really hard to be good. She totally understood and was actually impressed by my drive to stay on track. She was not a huge person herself by any means, but who doesn't understand trying to lose weight? Even if you only have a little weight to lose - we can all relate to the effort. How long till the wedding? Maybe you can just tell everyone that your trying a crash diet to lose as much as you can before the wedding - make a jokey thing about having to look the best you can in the pictures! The week after surgery I will be allowed to eat anything about the consistency of applesauce. Maybe there are a few things you could work into the menu. May 18 is coming up soon. Best of luck to you :cheers2: Hang tight on the Optifast. I think that will be a hard part of the process (preop diet), but at least it's dieting with a purpose. Keep thinking about how tiny your liver will be on surgery day :party:

[k-butterflyy 2]

i told my family and my close friends. i was really skeptical about telling co-workers. i work as a dispatcher so we do shift work. im really close w/ my shift and i explained to them what i was doing and also explaining that if i was in a bad mood, it was b/c i was doing my pre-op liquid diet. of course i had to tell my supervisors, but i didn't want any of the other shifts to know. on the roster instead of putting me out on vacation or something, my supervisor wrote extended sick leave for surgery all across it. why? i was so mad! then all of the questions started flowing, not b/c they cared or was concerned, just plain ol nosey! i avoided as best as i could. my last day of work before surgery, several people on the shift that relieves me showed up to work wearing purple (my fav color) to wish me well. i dont know who spilled the Beans, but then i felt bad for not telling them myself, b/c now, these were the same people supporting me. so i guess at some point or another, people will ask other people or someone will leak the info. my plan was not to tell, but now EVERYONE knows. but the support has been great. so i don't mind now.

[wannabesmall09 0]

I only told a few close friends, two co-workers. I don't want to listen to any negative comments, and the people I work with are a bunch of gossiping biddies. No thanks...

I plan on telling them I am working with my dr on a diet, and that's not a lie.. lol

[2beskinny 4]

i told my family and my close friends. i was really skeptical about telling co-workers. i work as a dispatcher so we do shift work. im really close w/ my shift and i explained to them what i was doing and also explaining that if i was in a bad mood, it was b/c i was doing my pre-op liquid diet. of course i had to tell my supervisors, but i didn't want any of the other shifts to know. on the roster instead of putting me out on vacation or something, my supervisor wrote extended sick leave for surgery all across it. why? i was so mad! then all of the questions started flowing, not b/c they cared or was concerned, just plain ol nosey! i avoided as best as i could. my last day of work before surgery, several people on the shift that relieves me showed up to work wearing purple (my fav color) to wish me well. i dont know who spilled the Beans, but then i felt bad for not telling them myself, b/c now, these were the same people supporting me. so i guess at some point or another, people will ask other people or someone will leak the info. my plan was not to tell, but now EVERYONE knows. but the support has been great. so i don't mind now.

That is so sweet that they wore your favorite color on your surgery day - that must have made you feel really good, especially after not wanting people to know. I love that story

[karmaandkismet 0]

I've told a few people. I thought I would be the poster girl for telling people, getting it out there and educating the public. However, I've encountered some negative feedback from some people and so its put a halt to my telling. At least for now. Once I have the surgery and have lost weight then I may make it public knowledge, but I don't want to hear people's negative opinions right now. When I went to the doctor yesterday (my pcp) the nurses and doctor were all excited for me. I figured the negative stuff would come from them. lol. My husband is still warming up to the idea. He sees that I'm going through with this no matter what he thinks so I think he's trying to get ok with the idea now after being vehemently opposed.

[LarraineM 6]

For me I wanted to make my own decesion about having the band I research it about 3 yrs ago and thought right away it would be a great help to me. Unfortunalty my insurance company did'nt.So the very minute the policy changed I went for it.Only my closest friends knew I was planning on going thru with the surgery. I did'nt want people not close to me giving me their opinons yeah or nay. After surgery if anyone ask I tell, I am not ashamed of it nor do I feel the need to defend it. "Lapbanding is not a easy fix" you have to work it !

[magpye 0]

All good points talked about on here. I think the problem I have with telling people (other than the fact that it goes against my private nature) is that I don't have many fat friends. For the most part, they are all really active and trim (work out a lot!). One of my really good friends is a personal trainer/exercise instructor and has told me she really likes to help people (one of her favorite classes that she teaches is to seniors). Problem is...I know her too well and I know she is a gossip Don't get me wrong - I love her to death - but I know the drill when you have a gossipy friend :crying: Guess I will take this decision in stages. Part of me realizes how easy it would be if those around me all knew...I keep thinking of how differently I will be eating after I have bounced back from the surgery. I read something that says - food should be cut into small bits - about the size of a fingernail....Huh? That would look weird in a group outing at a restaurant. I'm already planning on ordering a lot of Soup when I go out to eat with people after my life-change!

I don't have many fat friends either. I did decide to tell them I was doing this (I had surgery last week 5/7/10.) I am getting a lot of support but my secret fear is, "What if I screw this up and I don't make it work?" What will I say then? I know I will have to educate many of them about this - it is not as rapid as bypass, there are plateaus, etc. I guess it is about balancing expectations of yourself and everyone else in your life. I know I have to trust my path and that my true friends will continue to stand by me.

[FighterGirl 1]

I decided to only tell those closest to me. My parents and my closest friends.

The weight loss journey has been a tough one for me. I have failed and had people comment on it or my eating habits just because they knew I was trying to lose weight. I wanted to keep it to myself because I was not strong enough at the time to go to such an extreme and possibly fail.

It is all a personal choice and there is no right or wrong here.

[Alisomniac 0]

For me, it depends on the audience. I've told my mom and she's maybe more excited than I am, and has offered to pay any costs insurance doesn't pick up. I've mentioned in passing to my brother, didn't feel the need to tell him more, frankly because he'd forget in 20 seconds. I haven't told my dad yet though, he's a health nut and I'm afraid he'd try to convince me diet an exercise alone would do it... but 120-160 pounds to reach a "healthy rate" is total 'results not typical' area - and frankly somewhat unrealistic..especially considering i've been dieting for 5 years and have gone slightly UP. My BFF and work-BFF and sup know, but we're close and on a team diet together... the boys on our team don't know, but we all know how much each other weigh, and we discuss dieting all the time, but I didnt feel the need to tell them Im pursuing banding.

...

[2beskinny 4]

I don't have many fat friends either. I did decide to tell them I was doing this (I had surgery last week 5/7/10.) I am getting a lot of support but my secret fear is, "What if I screw this up and I don't make it work?" What will I say then? I know I will have to educate many of them about this - it is not as rapid as bypass, there are plateaus, etc. I guess it is about balancing expectations of yourself and everyone else in your life. I know I have to trust my path and that my true friends will continue to stand by me.

I also feel like I don't want to be tasked with having to educate those around me about the band and how it works. I think that's a big part of not wanting to be open about it. That would be annoying to me...but so are many things these days are...I think it's day 28...ha! Anyway, I do agree with that. I do realize that I may not feel this way after surgery, though. A lot of my energy right now is spent on thinking about how to keep it hidden...when I think about how much easier it would be if folks knew...seems like a bit of relief. Who knows how all this will play out!

[2beskinny 4]

The people I struggle telling the most is my parents. They have been fat people my whole lilfe. I can remember when I was younger thinking that it was normal to keep getting bigger your whole life. It wasn't till I was older did I realize that it wasn't the norm. I can remember being a freshman in high school (normal weight) and picking out a girl who was a senior who was a little bit chubby hoping that I would only be as big as her by the time I was a senior. I'm getting a little choked up as I recall these feelings and how wrong my perception was. So now my dad is about 500 pounds if I had to guess. He is 72 years old and does not move well. He manages to get out, but with a cane, and with people coordinating the logistics so he does not have to walk far. He and my mom built a house a couple of years ago and they built extra wide doorways and raised toilets to accommodate a wheelchair. My mom has begun shrinking as she is aging due to what she refers to as fortunate IBS that has caused her to lose a lot of weight (and I think her appetite has diminished a bit as well - she is 67). They are wonderful people, have a great marriage, love their kids and grandkids - are ALL about family. I am blessed to still have them. Especially my dad. Evaluating their weight issues does make me happy that I am not married to my eating partner, like they are, although it doesn't seem to matter. I seem to be fulfilling my destiny...I keep getting bigger. By choosing surgery I feel like I am trying to jump off a moving train headed for disaster. Part of me feels like I'm leaving my parents on the train, though. Maybe that's why I can't imagine telling them. I somehow feel I am betraying them by choosing a different path for myself. They are educated, loving people and I know I'm probably wrong about this, but somehow I feel like that me having to resort to this drastic measure might make them sad and somehow feel responsible and I don't want to do that to them. No wonder it's so hard to lose weight...what an incredibly complicated mix of circumstances and emotions that have brought us all here.

[Mommy2Ps 4]

I'm struggling with the same issues. Wanting to tell, but not wanting the pressure of telling certain people. I'm not going to blast it on FB, that's for damn sure!!

I mentioned it to my mom and made her swear to keep her big mouth shut. So far, so good, but I doubt she's keeping up her end. She lives out of state. The women in my family have very loose lips. They mean well, but I don't hold my breath that the rest of the family doesn't know. My DH's family are local and I'm sure I'll tell them when the time comes, but not a minute before. I think they will be pleased as I know they only want what's best for me.

My dilemma is with my coworkers. I'm one of the youngest in my office of about 30 people. A small office. The older ladies love to gossip and I see the looks when I bring in fast food for lunch. I also see the looks when I'm eating a Lean Cuisine. It never fails, they are the food police now and I know it would only get worse if they knew I was getting banded, or when I am banded. I plan on telling my boss (only for time off reasons), but I'm going to swear him to secrecy too.

Once I'm banded, I will decide who to tell on a case by case basis. Like others have said, it's a personal decision. Good luck!!!