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vanishingvixen

LAP-BAND Patients

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Blog Entries posted by vanishingvixen

  2. “…I’m full but want a tasty treat…”
     
    *sigh*
     
    Undoubtedly, my "midnight feedings" – in which I pace in the kitchen & look for that special something to satisfy & sate (usually something sweet), usually between the hours of 11pm-1am – are the hardest part of this journey for me.
     
    I remember a time in the not too distant past that I would run the water in the kitchen to drown out the sound of my cabinet rummaging and cellophane paper wrap krinkling from the little debbie snack I’d try to sneak back into the bedroom.
     
    I should be ashamed *hangs head*:thumbup:
     
    I think its a step forward that I’m starting to notice my patterns and put an end to them. I’m sure there’s always a chance to relapse, but at least by not keeping the junk in the house anymore, my choices are limited. Of course, I will ALWAYS and FOREVER keep the obligatory chocolate candy bar stashed away “in case of emergency”…but even then, it’s just ONE bar, not an entire bag of mini’s
     
    Old habits die hard, its true. But new habits live in the light, to be nourished and cultivated into a way of life.
     
    I can do this. I. WILL. DO. THIS.
     
    *praying*
    “Jesus be an appetite suppresant”
     
    *then singing and channeling Carried Underwood*
     
    Jesus, take the wheel…
  3. Check it out here: http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/food-journal/
     
    NOTE:
     
    What I'm eating may "seem" like alot - but TRUST - this is but a mere fraction of what I used to eat. I was given the advice to journal everything I eat, cut my portions & add water. (thanks @btrieger :thumbup:) I also check out my food choices on this site: http://caloriecount.about.com/
  4. Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN. It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents - especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids.
     
    My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate...but I caught the looks of other parents - at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of...pity. I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child - yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed...for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler.
     
    Now, in my defense - GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G'ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn't mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I've seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface*
     
    I'm on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I'm overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image...which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now.
     
    I'm on my way to a better life...and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won't remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees...but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her. IDK...reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way.
     
    Today - I'm going to hold my head high as we venture to yet another mall. And I DARE a mofo to give me the Fat Mommy glare.
  5. *entering the room dancing to Destiny's Child singing "I don't think ya readdddy fa this jelllllyyyy"*
     
     
     
    Ok, so. I know that I have some concerns about my post-weight loss body. But realistically, looking at me bucket nayket now aint no picnic either :closedeyes: (maybe for my husband, bless him wittle heart). I know I can’t stand too much of my own self. Things jiggle and sag and weeble-wobble now. So, I’m not naïve enough to think that just because I lose some poundage, means that I’m gonna turn into Beyonce…Gee’once, maybe *smirk*, but I digress…
     
     
     
     
    ALTHOUGH, in my mind…I’ve fast-forwarded about a year or so. And I can actually SEE a smaller, more healthy me. :thumbup:I’ve never been there before. And mayhaps that was the problem. *shrug* What I do know, is my saggalicious, droopylicious self is STILL gonna revel in how far I’ve come & gone. Ill hook up the breasticles in a new LB balconette bra and make them shine like the stars they are. I’ll coax the SPANX that ill have to sweet talk into undertaking the monumental task of turning “flab into fab”. Buy a new figure-friendly LBD, and perhaps I may be able to throw on a pair of sexy high heels long enough to turn a few heads and strut the “Skank [Ho] Walk” I learned in my Urban Striptease workout (gotta love On Demand cable program. Exercise TV is awesomeness) *head nod*
     
     
    :rolleyes:Yup. I justttttt miiiight.
     
     
     
    Btw – my bosslady (who also has WLS and looks fabulous) said to *possibly* expect the ending or stressing of friendships/familial relationships and possible spousal jealousy. *exaggerated sigh*
     
     
    I really have been blessed in terms of my family & friends, so I don’t anticipate that area being an issue for me. But I guess any & everything is possible. Prayerfully those in my corner will stay there – even when I’m too high off my own supply *innocent grin* I know my tried & true peeps will chin-check me quick & without hesitation *lol*
     
     
    This whole experience is reminding me of when I was with-child. So excited and anticipatory. Wondering “when am I gonna see my baby bump” “when can I finally hold my baby”. All that stuff I worried everyone to death about…and then one day: bam – She was here! The only thing that’s different is that this experience will end with a REbirth…of self. Saggy. Jiggly. Jellified.
     
     
     
    So, yeah. I’m ready. But I’m not certain the world is.*pondering for a brief moment*
     
     
    NaHhhhh. I don’t think ANY one is ready fa THIS jelly. :tt1:

  6. shEmotions

    · vanishingvixen · 03/05/2010 14:22

    **enters the room singing to the tune of Whitney’s “So emotional”: I get sooooo emotional baybe, everytime I think of FOOOOOOOOOD! **
     
    Happy Friday faithful few -
     
    Yesterday was an emotional doozy. At least the last half was. That tends to happen when things are really going well. When I’m mentally & spiritually focused and on my grind. But such as life. The devil is a micky-flickin LIYAH!! *tripple dawg daring him to even THINK about looking my way today* He gets NO play over here. :thumbdown:
     
    This here post will serve as a reminder that no matter the circumstances, I (we) can make better food choices. It bears repeating that I am mostly a total emotional eater. In order to stay my course, I have to break that cycle. (more like forcing myself into submission via suplex, then headlock)
     
    See, for me – here’s how it works for me: quite simply…if I don’t keep it in the house (ie: snack cakes, junkfood, unhealthy snacks, soda, whatever) I can’t get to it when $h!t goes down. If I keep healthier foods in the house, I won’t sabatoge myself when I’m on a mad dash to shove something in my mouth in an effort to self-soothe. :tt1:
     
    It sounds really simple, huh? Not so much. But in theory, its what I know will work for me. If its not there, I can’t gorge/graze on it. If I just HAVE to put something in my mouth, it will be something that I know won’t totally derail me. Besides, I’ve found there are plenty of treats to sate my oral fixation & sweet tooth. Fudgepops are one good indulgence (its not my fault it shaped like a phallus, but hey that could be considered a benefit *shrug*) :tt2: Low fat. And/or fat free at 40-60 cals a pop. Even if I eat 3 (which I haven’t *lol*) no skin off my teeth. And also those 100 mini bags of stuff likr choco pretzels, or cookies, or what have you.
     
    I’m no expert, but I DAMN sure know that a night like last night would have sent me running back into my ex-Lover’s arms. :drool: Me & some cupcakes or a whole quart of ice cream would have be getting. It. IN. *going churchified* But I rebuke thee, oh Devils of Deliciousness. Get thee behind me, Little Debbie, you Jezebel! You Harlot!
     
    Woooosahhhh. :closedeyes: It all alright. I woke up this morning feeling good. I know that there will be plenty more opportunities for me to screw up. But yesterday wasn’t the day. (And today won’t be either *hmph*)
  7. It was a long night. 50/11grillion things running thru my head. A plethora of feelings and mixed emotions. Very little sleep.
    I’m having 2nd and 3rd and 4th thoughts about this entire thing. Yet another reason I decided to blog the journey – accountability. And the fact that once I let the blogosphere know my plans, by obligation and not wanting to looking foolish, I know ill persevere.
     

     
    what will become me??
     
     
     
     
    I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a lot of my concerns are about vanity. What the man in my life will think of my appearance sans clothes in a year from now. After all, he’s been here with me thru the thick of it. Or fat of it, as it were. I’ve gained about 30lbs since we met… most post-baby. (Ironically, so has he) But for the most part, I pretty much look the same.
     
     
    He’s used to my fluff. And he’s a boobman. The fullness of my breasts (which happen to be my 2nd best feature – the first is my awesome firely red mane!) are bound to be the first thing to go. There may be some hope for them, because even at my smallest, I’ve been busty…but I somehow doubt they’ll shrink up “nice & perky” (from training bra to C-cup over the course of a summer…and from there, I rested comfortably at a full D/DD until the last few years as I’ve picked up weight). I’ve seen & heard what happens to the boobs when you lose a lot of weight, and I’m not looking forward to it. There. I said it! *eyeroll*
     
     
    Now, the other part of my body where I carry the most weight is my thighs. I shutter to think what will become of them aesthetically. But it will be kinda nice to wear a pair of stockings/tights without the burning of my delicate thigh meat from the incessant rubbing together as I walk. I might even be able to cross my legs all lady-like for the first time. A definite bonus! But, will I look like a 97 year old woman?
    Of course Bertha the Belly is bound to go missing. But will she go missing hanging down around my knee caps is the question. *face twisted*
     
     
    I know. I know. I KNOW that this is about health. But my own thoughts about this process are leading me to want to do a lot more research on the mental/emotional space of folks who have lost a drastic amount of weight. I know I’ve gained roughly 50-75lbs over the span of 10 yrs. And it will be nice to be back down to a “respectable” size. But will I be depressed because my body won’t look the same as I did back then?
     
     
    I’m pretty solid. I don’t have a big Buddha belly. I’m compact. Fairly proportionate. And until I blasted my weight for the whole world to see, most folk don’t have a clue I weigh so much. So I’d like to think that I carry it “well”. But how “well” will I be carrying this smaller figure 365 days from now? That remains to be seen…
     
     
    All I know is I need to go ahead and buy some stock in the company that sells SPANX, because imma be a foundation/compression wearin fool. *hmmmmm* Maybe if I wear those for the duration of the process, it will help my skin be tighter? Just a thought. Though ill miss my days of traipsing around the house butterballbooty bucketnayket…a smaller me, may make for a more modest me.
     
     
    But somehow I doubt it! *lol*

  8. The Break Up *sigh*

    · vanishingvixen · 03/04/2010 21:50

    Today, my love affair with food ended. He has always been the one constant in my life. And like any other relationship I've had, we'll probably try to make it work a few more times, before it resonates in my spirit that... it. is. indeed. OVER. Not because I want it to be, but because it HAS to be. *sigh*What once consumed almost every thought & desire...will give way to a new, enlightened way of thinking, living, and being.
     
     
    Health, is my NEW man. The lover of my soul and my future.
    Gone will be the days of secretly spooning in the bed with and entire bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion chips, or making out with my homegirl Lil' Deb *holla*. I'll have to pass on the cupcakeS, and be content with just one, on occasion - Not the 3 or 4 or 7 a week as I have done in the past.
     
     
    And like any relationship when it ends, I have to look at myself in the mirror as a newly "single" woman, wipe away the tears, and acknowledge how difficult the road ahead would be without my tried & true Lover. Food has been there at the ready to comfort me through it all: the heartache, the heart break, disappointments, and even the times of celebration. But now, I have to learn to put the relationship in it's proper place: one of necessity, not over-indulgence... One of sustenance, not sabotage.
     
     
     
    Of course, I still have to meet up with food - a more casual relationship of sorts. I just can no longer take it as my "one & only". *sigh*
     
     
    It's been a long time coming. 15 years or more. It was inevitable. And no matter how I've tried to fight it, I knew that at some point in life I would have to choose. I'll take an infamous line from Samantha Jones here (Sex & The City, SHEESH!):
     
     
     
    [Dear Food,]
     
     
    "I love you...But I love ME more." *xoxo*
     
     
    Yours in Health & Fabulousness,
     
     
    Vixen
  9. Today was full of highs & lows. Certainty & uncertainty. Hope & doubt.
     
     
    I had my physical exam to try and set things off on the right foot. Especially since I know that Dr. monitored weight loss is part of the deal when it comes to getting to the surgery date. I found out I have a “mild” heart murmur, which did not please the queen at. ALL. But the good thing is that my doc said he will try to help the process along as much as possible.
     
     
    I also went to my first meeting at the Fat Surgeon’s office. *straightface* (some of the BIGGEST waiting room chairs I’ve EVER seen. And a “cattle” scale to boot.) GREAT info session that provided me with info that I hadn’t thought about. I may ultimately decide to take a route other than the Lap Band – totally dependent on what is/isn’t covered by my insurance -but at this point, I’m going with my gut. (no pun intended)
     
     
     
     
    So, maybe I just need to chalk it up to my own ignorance…but the process leading to actually scheduling the surgery is ALOT longer than I anticipated. Granted, I have limited first hand knowledge, and everyone’s experience is different. But, I was told [in general] to expect a 3 month (best case) to 1 year (worst case) wait before my actual surgery date. Of course there are 100/50/11 tons of paperwork, and testing, and evaluations, and re-DUNK-ulous insurance “stuff” to be handled. Hell, my insurance may not even approve it. (tho according to the requirements for candidacy, I’m a shoe-in). I am starting to get concerned about the possibility that I may be denied. Which will leave me at big, fat, square one.
     
     
     
     
    I did find that I’ll be able to utilize some of my own resources (ie: my own doctors) to get some of the pre-requisites accomplished (psyche eval, medical clearance, etc). But I also found that to land on the closer end of the surgery date spectrum (for me, best case is looking like a September surgery date) I could do a “one stop shop” at the surgical facility. Bad news is that will add on some out-of-pocket costs on my end. *sigh*
    What to do, what to do? (tho im not even sure I’ll even have a say – I gotta see what Aetna is talking about first.)
     
     
     
     
    What I *DO* know is: I grossly underestimated how convoluted the process is for me to go from my dream to my destiny. Admittedly, I left there feeling a little discouraged. All of the what-if’s and uncertainty is like’ta give me a friggen anxiety attack.I have my “official” consultation – my own personal path forward – scheduled for March 15. Things should be clearer by then.
     
     
     
     
    On another note: Day 1 of operation Skinny Cow (an oxymoron, I know. A cow can only be so skinny. I get it. But it seemed to fit my mood today *lol*)I think I’ll make my food journal entries separate from here on out. Just consider today a 2 for 1 special.
    Starting point: 300#
     
    Fatty Girl Food Journal:
     

    Bowl of Life Cereal w/soy milk
    small slice cheese pizza
    1/2 grilled chicken quesedilla w/low fat cheese
    1 fudge pop (a surprisingly good treat @ only 60 calories!)
    fresh apple juice

    I feel pretty full, but my daily diet leaves alot to be desired. I’ll have to consume more food/healthy snacks spread out over the course of the day. But seriously, just looking at it – this is a STELLAR performance for me considering… I definitely need to work in more water, alot less juice, and add some veggies. No problem. Today was just one of those kinds of days. Btu I’m proud.
    *yawn*
     
     
    It’s been a long day. I’m calling it a night… Maybe my outlook will be better in the morning. Time to take it to God in prayer! What’s meant to be…WILL!

  10. Twitter me this...

    · vanishingvixen · 03/01/2010 19:20

    www.twitter.com/starrdusstt
    www.twitter.com/vanishingvixen
     
    OH yeah - I'm also a jewelry artist. This will be a great benefit during my journey as I need to divert my attention from food...I can refocus on my craft. check me out! :rolleyes2:
    www.ggxjewels.com
  11. What is it about food that can cause some people to become totally addicted to it, while others have a perfectly normal (even sometimes disconnected association) relationship with it?
     
     
     
     
    I’m an emotional eater. When I’m happy, sad, angry, excited, depressed…I look for something to put into my mouth that will help me process or celebrate said emotions. I love the taste, the texture, the smell, the appeal…of some good food. I LOVE FOOD. (Obviously. Have you seen me?) But I absolutely abhor what I’ve allowed it to do to me/my appearance/my health. But WHY I love food so, I don’t really know.
     
     
     
     
    Yesterday I went to Medieval times for my birthday dinner. Standard fare there? An entire HALF of a roasted chicken, spare rib, half of a roasted potato, garlic bread, bowl of soup & an apple turnover. THIS is what they serve for just one person. (Is there any wonder why most ppl in the US are overweight?? *sigh*) While I thoroughly enjoyed the grub, I’m happy to say that i only ate about HALF of what was served.
     
     
     
     
     
    I feel like I’m mentally preparing myself by seriously re-considering my food choices & portions..which is a good thing. I also have a 30-day supply of slim-shots in the mail, that should help with this jump-start diet that will be required of me.

     
    enroute to Medieval Times to grub
     
     
     
     
     
    That’s tomorrow. TODAY? I’m gonna eat like the fat girl that I am. For the LAST time, I will make food my love-slave. I’ll make love to some bacon, and give pasta some good head…I’ll fondle some chocolate, and make-out with a Martini.
     
     
     
     
    I understand that starting tomorrow, the way I relate to food will have to change (tho strangely, I think in my head, I “get it”…I just decided to allow myself to have what I wanted this weekend. I haven’t gone anywhere near as overboard as I thought I would or have even desired to. go figure!) I just haven’t totally figured out how to go from having a love affair with food, to putting that relationship in it’s proper place: sustenance, nutrition, and necessity. That, by far, is the most challenging aspect of this entire thing. Eating to live…not living to eat.
     
     
     
    Now there’s a novel idea *smirk*
  12. 10/2009
     
    Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like.
     
    Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug*
     
     
    With that said…
    I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago.
     

    8/2008


     
     
     
    *smh kinda confused*
    Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it…
     
     
    Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do??
     
     



    9/2002
     
     
     
    I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now.
     
     
    I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good.
     
     
    I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited.
     
     
    I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there.
     

    1/2010


     
     
    Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life.
    Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*
  13. 12# from my birthday goal of 235
     
     
     
     
     
    See that?
     
    The scale says 247#. *giggety* That is only TWELVE# away from the goal that I had set for myself before I ever even had the surgery: to be down to 235# by my birthday (which would be a total weightloss thus far of 75#). My birthday is in 3 weeks – February 1, to be exact (TAKE NOTES, ppl!)…and my goal…is…
     
    a
     
    very
     
    POSSIBLE
     
    reality!!
     
    ((Another note-worthy occurance: this week, I was able to sit with my LEGS CROSSED for the FIRST TIME. You know, all lady-like and such. WOOOTTTTTTTTT!!!! ))
     
    A very dear friend of mine *shout out to Tracey the Stinger* is kickin @$$ & taking names on her own weightloss journey (sans medical intervention, and PURE, hardcore working out/healthier eating habits). She writes weekly fitness notes, and has been such an inspiration to so many people. Self included. She says that putting it all out there helps her to remain accountable to herself and keep her on the path. So…
     
    I think in 2011, I will be a little more vocal about my goals, eating habits, fitness details. I know that I have folks around me who will chin-check me QUICK if I start to fall off b/c they DO want to see me succeed…so I think that will only help me to keep my focus, yanno? This next 12# shouldn’t be too hard. Over the past week, I’ve dropped about 5# – and that was after stalling for about 2 wks. I just have to remember to PAY ATTENTION to what I’m putting into my mouth and not going back to the bad habit of grazing. Healthy food or no – I need to a have a more regimented eating schedule. I’ve also upped my water intake which also helps when I’m feeling bitish… (Special K protein water packets are GREAT)
     
    I’m doing pretty well on the exercise tip. (Although, it’s also time to ramp that up). I’ve been stalling on the step-class with my neighbor, but she told me that they are about to start Zumba – so I’m so THERE when that starts. On a daily basis though, I do a few minutes with my shake-weight (to try and get these arm flaps under control) and some of my booty-building workouts via exercise tv. I’m motivated now more than ever – because I truly see that going the extra mile achieves results. Spring is just around the corner, and I FULLY plan to be in ONEderland by then. If I’m at a sz 18 now, I can already see myself slipping into a sz 14 come May. That is my WORD.
     
    Speaking of my birthday…knowing that my new “personal” year is upon me, it’s time to map out my vision for this upcoming year. Not just in terms of my health, but in terms of my overall attitude and mental/emotional/spiritual wellness… in terms of my jewelry biz (which has WAY fallen off in the wake of some hard-hitting life/family circumstances)…and my professional career. 2010 was a doozy – so if I made it thru that unscathed…I can make it thru anything.
     
    I’m more motivated than ever. I’m lookin pretty good, and feelin pretty good – but there is more work to be done. Much more work. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it was built…steadily, day by day.
     
    I just want to again thank all the folks in my corner rooting for me. It has made all the difference in the world knowing that there are genuinely people who want to see me succeed in this new life that I’m carving out for myself. I have nothing but love for you all! (and I’m EVEN learning to love this journey as much as I’m loving the RESULTS)
     
     
     
    P.S. The Baltimore BEATDOWN is coming. It’s all RAVENS, baby. PITTiful-BURG: the dirty birds are comin for ‘dat @$$!!!
     
     
  14. 1 wk ago, I did something that will forever change the course of my life.
     
     
    I think I was grossly unprepared for the emotional roller coaster I’d be riding though. I read about, but kinda shrugged it off. I’m emotional, this is true. But I’m strong…and this thang seems to be getting the better of me…
     
     
    Yesterday, I struggled with the thought of no longer being in “control” of my weight (for the most part, at least for the next year or so)…I cried when I realized that I would no longer be the bodacious, busty, lusty big girl that I’ve been known to be after I purchased a bra A LOT smaller than the one I wore 3 wks ago (46DDD/F to a 44DD)…I cried as I tried to remind myself that my “larger than life” body didn’t MAKE who I was as a “larger than life woman”. I am who I am…but if who I am – and always have been – is a vivacious BIG GIRL, BBW, +Sized Diva, FULL-FIGURED Vixen… What happens when the weight falls off and I’m no longer considered…BIG?? *sigh* :biggrin0:
     
     
    I’m sure folks who have never struggled w/their weight OR have lost weight on their own over a long period of time may not fully understand the BFD. But when you suddenly see yourself melting away – literally – especially in a significantly short period of time – it can be a little unnerving.
     
     
    YES, I know this is what I signed up for. And honestly, it’s kinda crazy because I DO love what I’m starting to see in the mirror. But the fact that it’s happening right before my eyes so quickly is Freaking. Me. Out. Little things like washing my face and actually being able to feel my face structure, or putting on a pair of sweat pants that now have a saggy crotch…or doing a double take when I walk past the mirror…or my aunt calling me a “skinny beeyotchhh” in jest. I guess there is a 1st time for everything!
     
     
    Skinnyway…
     
     
    In the midst of my emotional outburst yesterday, I temporarily did something hella dumb. Now, I have 1 more wk on the liquid diet to go. So why did I think I could get away w/taking a *teeny-tiny* bite of chicken salad? *smdh* Super. HUGE. Epic. Fail. It got “stuck”. It was the most awful feeling in the world (now I know what Lap Band’ers go thru. BAH!). No harm, no foul…but trust I’m sticking to the game plan from here on out. Just 1 more week to go to meatloaf & mashed potatoes…says my dietitian ! (Well, only a table spoon or so, but I’ll take it)
     
     
    Speaking of food – my dietitian/nutritionist recommended an AWESOME cook book for post weight loss surgery folks called “Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery”. Some high protein/lower fat recipes that will make your mouth water, are quick & easy, and full of flavor. (ie: stuffed cabbage, parmesan crusted turkey, and ham-n-cheese stuffed chicken breast *yummmmmoooooooohhhhhh*:drool5:) After all – there is life – and GOOD FOOD – after weight-loss. I am, and will always be a Foodie. I’m just learning to be a healthier one…I knew that for ME, I would be unsuccessful with ANY weight loss program/regimen/surgical tool that would not afford me the foods that I love. Portion Control & exercise. I. CAN. DO. THIS!:thumbup:
     
     
    One last thing: I don’t think you fully realize how out of control your weight was until you start losing it. And you never realize that even if folks compliment your fatness/curves/etc, they still notice when you have seriously crept up the scale – until they mention it on your way down the scale *lol*
     
    On that note – I’m calling it a night/morning. I’ll keep y’all posted – as usual.
     
    *Change came quick – I brought it*
  15. *grinnin ear to ear*
    :biggrin0:
     
    Heyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! ((This will just be a quickie update until I can get to a pc and not have to blog via crackberry))
     
     
    I made it to the other side!! Not w/out a few obstacles. But 3 days post-op, and I feel pretty great. My surgery was on Tuesday, and today…I’m in amazement.
     
     
    1st of all – the pain that I anticipated wasn’t the issue – my biggest prob has been nausea. Like, morning sickness on crack. The. Worst. *blah* And other then my BP going thru the roof and them having to admit me to ICU b/c of it…everything else went off with out a hitch. I was up walking by wednesday eve, and kept it going yesterday…(And looking forward to putting on some kicks and walking the block)
     
     
    I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that Potomac Hospital (in Woodbridge, VA) freekin rocks! Dr. Halmi & staff made this experience a great one, as far as surgery goes.
    Now, the pure craziness? I started at 310# pre-liquid diet. Today, I weighed? I’m already down to 283#! *gadzooks* :thumbup: I’m still sorta-kinda in disbelief, really. I had to go buy new pannies today…like, WTH? *laughing wildly*
     
     
    I will say – I’m. More. Motivated. Than. Ever. Tomorrow, I’m gonna take a stroll down by the water…then after my follow-up, I’m gonna hit step class once a week. But the real excitement for me? Going back to bellydancing class. I have never felt sexier than after a good belly-dance workout. Just beware – you may end up knocked up, like I did! (Quiet as kept ladies – one of THE best workouts you’ll ever get. Total body, plus the added “benefits” that come with working the Yoni *wink, wink, wink* – anyone in the DC area down, we can try to meet up for a class. Check out Dr. Sunyatta at: www.gomamasita.com)
     
     
    In any event – I just wanted to send out a collective thank you to all my friends/fam – real world & online – who have been praying for me and supporting me and encouraging me beyond belief. I could NOT have done this without you.
     
     
    More follow-up’s as the transformation continues…but for now, sweet sleep!
  16. *woooooosaaaaaaaaah*
    I’ve been trying to avoid (delay?) an anxiety attack…so perhaps this quickie post will help alleviate some of my angst.
     
     
    Maybe I’m not starting off properly – see, I AM, in fact, STOKED about this move tomorrow. There are no words, really. Something that I’ve struggled with for 30+ years…will soon be not as much of a struggle. I won’t/can’t say effortless – as I know I’m in for a pretty rude awaking in a few hours…BUT, rude is probably what works best in this instance.
     
     
    Today, I’m just tying up loose ends with GGX, washing clothes, and lovin on my mini-G. I’m gonna stay w/my g’ma for a few days post- , so I don’t have a wild 2 y/o trying to climb & clammor all on me…and I can actually get the rest I need (which I KNOW wldnt happen at my house *pfft*).
     
     
    Not really sure why I’m so nervous. I’ve had major surgery before but I this this is a whole new realm. I do find solace in the fact that I went with a noted surgical Center of Excellence who has taken amazing care of me and made the journey getting to surgery as easy as pie *mmmmmmmm, pieeeeeeeee*.
     
     
    Dr. Denis Halmi promised to take good care of me, so I’m good w/that.
    I was thinking about something last night: as much as I’ve enjoyed (for the most part) being a “sexy big gurl” – deemed by others, not myself *lol*, I think I may enjoy being a “sexy healthy gurl” @ various sizes on down to my goal of 160#) just as much – if not more. *grin* I’m a foodie at heart, so there will be some moments of struggle (maybe anger, too? *lol* you know that’s a standard feeling in most break-ups)… BUT: no food tastes as good as getting this 140# monkey off my back is gonna feel. BELIEVE THAT.
     
     
    This is also the perfect opportunity to re-train my eating habits along the way.
    Another thought I had? I’m actually looking forward to getting my work-out on. I love to exercise really, but my knees & hips, and back were the ones in opposition. So, at the start, imma get me some Shape Up shoes and get to walking while the weather is still nice, and hit step class once per/week. By the new year, I should be relatively pain free, and will head back to Dr. Sunyatta to get my Yoni work-out & bellydance on.
     
     
    Yeahhhhhh, mannnnnn. Victory is going to be so sweet. I can almost taste it!
     
     
    So, until then, my friends…See ya on the other side of anesthesia.
     
    *change soon come – I BRING IT*

  17. Fear Factor?

    · vanishingvixen · 08/23/2010 20:01

    I was asked today – what I’m afraid of. It’s not the typical response, I guess. I’m not worried about the surgery, really. I’m strong in my faith & know that God is in control. But one of my girlfriends asked me why [i keep saying that] I don’t want to get down past a sz 14/16. (background: she is also plus sized. A former GB’er that gained back her weight, and is now doing it the natural way, with KICK @$$ results, too!)

    I responded that I enjoy being a curvy lady. Honestly, I have no desire to get “skinny”, or look emaciated, or sullen, or even unhealthy [as I have seen in some folks w/dramatic/rapid weight loss]. Let’s face it: just because a person is no longer morbidly obese, doesn’t mean that they don’t (or won’t) have any other health issue [unrelated to weight]. For me – at a sz 14/16 I was the picture of health – even according to my family physican. Over weight by the “charts” standards, but perfectly healthy otherwise. And I FELT healthy. And I LOOKED healthy. That was me, at 185lbs – 5’3”. So…why then, should I be looked at as crazy (not by said friend, but maybe what some folks are thinking but won’t say) for wanting to maintain my weight where I feel most comfortable & healthy – IF there I have no health issues…instead of trying to get as small/skinny/thin/little as possible? She did remind me that my body will pretty much dictate where I end up, if I am follow the proper course. It’s just been a nagging question for me though: Is me wanting to be comfortable in my skin, after all is said & done, a fear? Maybe. *shrug* I’m just still feeling my way around it. The only think I DO know, is that I’ll be a lot better off THERE (185#)…than I am HERE (305#). *I’ll drink to that*

    Reality dictates that some folks just ain’t meant to be “thin”, no matter how hard they work at it. I’ve made my peace with that. But I would also like to be at peace with where my final weight will be after all is said and done. Having numerous friends who have had various types of WLS… each with different end-results (some feeling like they didn’t lose enough – some who felt they lost too much)…one thing is certain: I can’t (and won’t) try to predict what I’ll look like in a year or even 2 from now. I will just do what I’m supposed to do, and honor my commitment to myself & my family to be eat healthy, think healthy, live healthy…BE HEALTHY. Whatever weight, whatever size.


    I’m I the only one that has ever had these concerns? What say you?

  18. No. Turning. Back.

    · vanishingvixen · 08/18/2010 16:12

    [7/13/10]
     
    Well folks – it’s official! I got the call on Friday that my insurance has approved me for surgery. As I mentioned, I’ve officially decided on the gastric sleeve vs. The lapband…and I’m confident that this IS the right decision for me. I’ve been blessed with a new lease on a healthier life – that won’t just benefit me – but my family!
     
     
    My nerves (a.k.a. The Vanity Monster) are already kicking in – but not even as it relates to the surgery itself. Still hella nervous about my “post” body and extra skin & such…but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I am really trying to wrap my mind around the fact that after all I’ve done over the years – that this is something that WILL get some of this weight off. My personal goal is only 75-100# – which is much less than what the surgeon would like – but I know where I will be comfortable weight-wise. The bonus to the sleeve vs. other tyes of WLS is the loss is slow & steady. The average is about 10 lbs/month which gives me/my body time to exercise/tone/adjust. *sigh*
     
     
    So much to think about. And knowing that I’ll be on liquids for 4 wks has kick started a “Last Supper” syndrome of me wanting to eat everything in sight. I really need to get a handle on myself – b/c I don’t want to throw away all that I’ve learned in the nutrition classes, and ruin this lifestyle change before it even gets going real good. Yeah, ill still be able to eat the stuff I love – just LOTS less of it…and probably not really getting to that point until the new year rolls around.
     
     
    It’s going to be a long, hard journey – because what I’ve learned thus far is that WLS is just a tool – not the be all end all of weight loss. Some folks have gained all of their weight back, or not even gotten a significan amount off. I must stay the course…my life depends on it.
     
     
    Ill remain true to the original intent of this blog – now that on Sept 21 – I will begin the hardest part of my transformation.
    Thanks to all who have supported & encouraged. And thanks to those that haven’t been so supportive. Its don’t nothing but make me want this more. Get ready yall …Geyonce is (almost) in the building. *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*
  19. [3/28/10]
     
    Sometimes I wonder what miscellaneous people see when they look at me. Are they disgusted by my appearence as much as I am lately? Like, admittedly, when I see someone fat (my size on upwards of 4 or 500lbs): I wonder if there sturggles w/food have been like mine, I wonder how they feel about themselves, and wonder if they are as uncomfortable as I have been (physically, in terms of knee/hip/foot pain, exhaustion, etc) But most of all, I wonder if they have ever reached the end of their rope w/their weight/health or if they are content with being that way. I ask, b/c I know that some folks enjoy being overweight (ie: the lady recenty who aiming at trying to be 1200 lbs or something so assinine) I’m not judging. And this is not intended to sound/read as such – I’m just curious about peoples lives…and if, like me, they too are just as fed up with being (so) fat & out of shape…but don’t know what to do about it.
     
     
    I know people probably look at me on the Metro when I’m about to take a seat next to them thinking “noooooooo, I don’t want that fat broad squeezing me into the seat!!”. I’m very aware of peoples reactions…and it hurts. I just wonder if it affects anyone like it has affected me.
    And further – at what point do you decide to do something about your health. Being fat I could care lass about. IF I could be fat (morbidly obese is a less pretty term for the truth) AND healthy at this size…ok. But I think it’s physically impossible to be over a certain weight and not have any health issues (present & future) associated with it. Some folks are just riding down the river called denial. I know for me I wasn’t particularly in denial – its just that everything I tried never lasted long term, and I grew sick of feeling like crap about myself – especially over the past year.
     
     
    I don’t want to become one of those folks that acts (seems to act) like I’m so much more enlightened because I’ve decided to do something about my health – because that’s ALL this is about for me. But I wonder if people really know where they stand in terms of mortality. I’ll put it this way – there is NO food good enough, no alcoholic beverage tasty enough…for me to remain in my current state. I need help trying to shave some years off the death sentance I’ve given myself over the past 2 decades, and pray that the Insurance “Mayor” makes the Lapband surgery an easy pardon. I’m at my wits end. Add to it married life, motherhood, 9-5 job, jewelry biz…I’m damn near ready to throw myself (and a few other select ppl) off the Woodrow Wilson bridge. But its only a matter of time. Change come soon – I bring it!
  20. [3/11/10]
     
    Vanishing Vixen.
     
    Vanishing…
     
    An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker… as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already…as if I plan to “vanish” into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I’m so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the “big”) that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.
     
    *really ruminating & marinating on the implications*
     
     
    I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous (most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I’m a MAC Make-up artist, or I’m rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels…what woman wouldn’t want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* ) Go figure. But… $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous…I just haven’t been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*
     
     
    It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I’m in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.
     
    Why is that?
     
     
    The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less.
     
     
    I’m a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new “MeMe” (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I’m ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it – let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game – in more ways than one. So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few “ah ha!” moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*
     
    IDK…
     
     
    Is it even really that serious? *lol*
    I’m hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can’t get out of my own head. But that doesn’t make me crazy…it makes me human. And blogging it…helps me *relax.relate.release* it all.
     
     
    I’m not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is…and I am who I am. And what I’ve realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally “seem” to have their $h!t together…don’t. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me. But nobody did [ask]… Oh well!
    I’m keeping on…keeping on…
  22. [3/6/10]
     
    Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN.
     
     
    It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents – especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids. My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate…but I caught the looks of other parents – at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of…pity.
     
     
    I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child – yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed…for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler.
     
     
    Now, in my defense – GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G’ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn’t mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I’ve seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface*
     
     
    I’m on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I’m overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image…which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now.
    I’m on my way to a better life…and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won’t remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees…but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her.
     
     
    IDK…reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way...

  23. The intro...

    · vanishingvixen · 08/18/2010 16:00

    Greetings all! I'm a newbie - and a transplant from the LapBand talk forum. I started my journey on March 1 of this year - and have since decided to go with the gastric sleeve since it's now approved by my insurance company. I'll be posting a few of my previous blogs, as well as some new ones. Dig in!
     
     
     
    (original blog date Feb 2010)
     
     

    10/2009
     
    Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like.
     
    Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug*
     
     
    With that said…
    I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago.
     

    8/2008


     
     
     
    *smh kinda confused*
    Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it…
     
     
    Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do??
     
     



    9/2002
     
     
     
    I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now.
     
     
    I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good.
     
     
    I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited.
     
     
    I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there.
     

    1/2010


     
     
    Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life.
    Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*

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