serenity55

Thank you, Babs--sorry, I can't remember your full username. Looking back on it from the lofty space of one day, I'm hoping it doesn't sound like I'm whining, I'm not. Guess I just have to write things down when I feel them.

It has happened to me three times. I'll find a great web site, like this one, connect with people who have the same surgery date as I did, February 10, feel like I really have a lot of support, until after the surgery, when everyone just sort of disappears.

I have posted, asking how everyone who had surgery the same day as I did are doing. Nothing.

I understand that people get busy. I understand that people get better and move on. But it doesn't stop me from feeling sad, wondering why it always seems to happen--this isn't the first time. Am I so lucky that I just happen to fall in with a group of people who, once they are better, just can't be bothered? Do they forget how terrified they were?

Maybe I have abandonment issues--my mother died when I was nine, my father was an alcoholic, and not available. I dealt with physical and emotional neglect. Maybe I just want a bandster buddy, the way it seems so many people have. I read about those who have made some kind of connection and I want that.

It can't be blindness, at least not on this web site, because no one can see anyone else, unless, of course, they post pictures. But that's not the same as a face-to-face meeting. Support groups I'm in do have that barrier. I have no problem dealing with that, and I'm not the kind of person who feels sorry for myself. This has happened to me enough times to make me wonder just what it is about me that causes me to fall in to this situation?

Guess I just needed to write it all out.

I got a letter, well, some kind of agreement from my surgeon's office which asked me to agree to continuing therapy, cognative behavior specifically. I don't have a problem with that. So I signed the letter and sent it off yesterday. It came back today. My roommate checked the address and it was correct, so I don't know why it was returned.

lLate this afternoon I got a call from the patient liaison at my surgeon's office asking if I'd returned the letter. I said yes, never thinking it would be returned. Then she asked me about my cardiology exam. I told her that I'd had one in June, but it was my understanding that I might have to have another one because the anesthesiologist doesn't want the tests to be any older than six months. I don't mind taking it over, especially since I know what to expect. (I hope!)

The liaison asked me to call my primary care doctor and have them fax the report to the surgeon's office. When I spoke with my doctor's nurse, she said they couldn't find the report. I know they had it because the last time I saw my doctor I asked her about it and she read it to me.

I'm mad! I feel like a kid who's been disappointed. I shouldn't have to do this stuff again; it should already be there, and how, why! could they lose the freakin' report?!

I can fax the letter to the surgeon's office tomorrow from work, and the nurse assured me that they'd find it, or have the cardiologist send them another copy, but boy! does this upset me!

I know that I should take every minute of every day to prepare myself for the surgery, and I think I'm doing that, but there's a part of me that wants everything to be done!

Debbie, I was a little nervous about the psych eval, but it wasn’t bad. There were some rather strange questions,--well strange to me, though I suppose some people might have answered yes to them. There was nothing related to weight, but there were questions about childhood. The one I remember was--and I should say that they weren’t actually questions, but true and false--My Mother and later father, was a very good man/woman. And then later still, I loved my father/mother. I’m not sure I understand the purpose of the psych eval, even though the doctor explained it. Old age, I guess. Hahahaha!

I had my psychological evaluation today, well the second part, which was all true and false--567 questions!

A friend from work read the test to me, and it took the better part of three hours. I talked to the psychiatrist last Monday, and he was very nice. He seemed impressed with me, though I have to wonder how much of that was because I was blind. People sometimes think that what a sighted person would be expected to do is admirable in someone who is blind. Anyway, I’m glad I read a lot on this board about the evaluation, because I was aware that many of the questions were phrased in such a way as to make one think they should have different answers, but they were the same as some I had already given. And nothing about losing weight. Guess they just want to see if I’m really crazy!

Now all I have to do is keep my fingers crossed to see what my service provider says. If anyone reads this, please wish me luck!

Hi,

I read your post and then read this blog entry. I'm really sorry that you have to wait to have the band surgery. It seems that we take one step forward and then two back, but hang in there, you're so close. And it sounds wonderful that you're able to do so much more, but boy! does that shot sound painful! Still, it's probably a walk in the park compared to all the pain you've had to deal with.

Hang in there; as someone said in your thread, it will happen. It's really hard to be patient, (that 's me talking about myself.) Patience hasn't been one of my virtues lately.

Anyway, I hope it's not too long before you are a bandster.

Debbie

Yep. And sometimes I can deal with stuff, but this just wasn't one of those days!

Today was full of stress, I guess you could say. I found out that a coworker and friend posted her “anger” at me for not telling her I was going through with the lap band surgery. She didn’t mention my name, but when I saw the title of her thread I knew what it was about. She called me today and is acting as though nothing was wrong. She probably feels safe because I haven’t visited the site to which we both belong for quite some time.

My best friend is going to have surgery on her hand, probably late September. This will be the second one, and she’s not exactly an ideal patient. She won’t be able to do a lot of things for a few days, and of course, I’ll take care of her, but today I feel selfish, probably because right now regarding my own journey.

A man who is a library patron, and has had other services from the organization for which I work, and with whom I’ve had a friendly relationship, until today, said somethings that really ticked me off. They were ethnic slurs against a fellow employee. It happened at the end of the day, and I wound up hanging up on the guy.

My cousin got banded today in Memphis. She promised to call and let me know how she’s doing. I’m excited for her, and just a little envious. But that’s the best part of my day. I’m glad it’s over!

:unsure:Cheryl, that was pretty good, I think. Thank you. I'm not giving up; even when I feel like I want to, I find myselfpicturing a thinner me. So in spite of myself, maybe I am a fighter!

I was doing well for a few days, cut down on cookies. But I went to the doctor today, and she wasn't very encouraging with regard to what the physicians' group would have to say about the stuff I

Telecia, it must

be really frustrating to have this setback. But congratulations on hanging in there and getting things done. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and hope that things go really well for both of you.

Wow!

Much good luck to you on your journey, too. I understand about physicaldisabilities. I am totally blind, and right now am having trouble with insurance. They want receipts for stuff I don't

have because it is twenty years ago that I tried first losing weight. I will definitely be thinking of you, and following your journey.

Debbie

This is what I came up with today, while fighting the cookie monster at work. But I didn't have any. And I feel like I really get it--it's time to stop talking and doing. But I'm still a mass of contradictions, or so it seems.

What if I get the band? What if I don’t?

Sometimes I think that I will make it, but what if I won’t?

What if, when I get the band, I become afraid?

What if, when I get the band, I know I have it made

Why does sugar call to me--a sweet siren song?

Why can’t I resist when I know giving in is wrong?!

I love the taste of sugar, which is sometimes not enough;

Good choices? I can make them, but there’s always the bad stuff!

What if I can’t eat the way all good bandsters should?

What if I succeed, and people say, “Girl, you look good!”

What if my port flips, the band slips, or sugar calls?

Do I have just what it takes to do this thing at all?

What if I stay focused on the tasks that are at hand?

Get to a place where I can be considered for the band?

I think that’s what I really want, in spite of all my fears;

To get the band, increase my life by many, many years

I am sad because food is not my friend.

I must find a way for this love affair to end.

It’s time for me to step up to the plate.

Take the plunge before it is too late.

Hard to let go, that’s all in my head.

Fill the void with something else instead.

Sometimes I think I know just what to do.

“The answer’s there,” I say, “in front of you.”

And still the taste of sweet things call to me;

Although the harm they do is plain to see.

I’m sad to think how much less I must eat,

Not have cookies for comfort, but for treats.

It seems so simple; yet I don’t know why

I can’t always fight the urge, though I try!

I may not find the answers that I seek.

Day by day I’ll be strong, not always weak.

I know the things that I must do to win.

I also know that I never will be thin.

By doing what I must to reach my goal,

I, not food, will be in control. ?

Thank you Cherylita. I know that what you say is true, and I also know that there have been times when I could and did beat back the cookie monster. You made me smile when I read how you’d hide things from friends or family because you didn’t want to share. I can so relate to that !

Where are you in the banding process? I really appreciate your words and will be following your progress and wishing you nothing but the best.

Oh, by the way, the thing I was craving as I wrote this entry? Mother’s oatmeal cookies! Haven’t had them in a long time! Didn’t get them this weekend, either! :-)

Hi,

Thank you for your comments. I was in OA for two years, have been seeing a therapist for who-knows-how long, and sometimes I don’t feel quite as crazy as I did when I wrote this entry. I write all the time, and used to talk a lot more. I have found that unless a person has been where I am, they really don’t get it, so I’ve learned to talk only to those I feel are dealing with the same issues as I am. And you’re right, this site is full of helpful people, and I’m glad I found it.

Boy, do I know I’m addicted! And I’m really sorry your insurance company won’t pay for surgery. Mine wants receipts that prove I tried to lose weight, but the place I went to twenty years ago is no longer in existence. So I get frustrated, angry, depressed, and then hopeful, and start over again.

It’s nice to hear, as I did in the seminar I went to a week ago, that I have an addiction. I heard, or read somewhere that people with a “sweet tooth” don’t do as well with the band. I hope that’s not true. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’d like to think I have a fighting chance

What will you do about surgery? Will you self pay, or try fighting with your insurance company? I wish you luck whatever happens. .

Thanks again for responding.

Nina, truer words were never spoken. Thank you so much, because I try to tell myself that I have to change my way of thinking, and sometimes I can do it. As a matter of fact, I feel a little better because I did focus on something else.

thank you again.

Debbie

Hi Michelle,

I have sleep apnea, too, and sometimes it just takes time to get used to the CPAP. For some people it takes months, and some take to it right away. I hope you can work it out. Some people get chin straps, or tape their lips shut, which sounds awful to me.

Anyway, good luck.

Debbie

I want to eat sweets, as many as I can stand. I don’t want to exercise. I want help, and I don’t know where to get it. I can’t make anyone understand why I want to scream! It’s an effort for me to get up off the floor after exercising, out of chairs, and we won’t talk about going up and down stairs. I have to stop and rest. I just want to lay down and eat cookies. I think about cookies even as I’m eating a meal. I’m freakin’ huge, and I can’t make the stupid physicians’ group understand that I want this band, and no one has any suggestions. And maybe I don’t even want the thing I’m frustrated, angry, depressed, and cookies have been the one thing I could always turn to when I felt like this. What the hell would I do if I got the band and this happened? I read somewhere that people with a “sweet tooth” have less success with the band.

Sweet tooth?! I’m a freakin’ emotional eater! I’m not really motivated, I hate exercising! Yeah, I do it, halfheartedly, and nothing pisses me off more than some well meaning friend or family member saying, “Oh, just do it!” “Well, if I don’t want sweets, I just don’t buy them.” “You just have to make up your mind and do it.”

What a crock!

Cherylita, the main thing for me to give up would be cookies! I loooove them! Thank you for the suggestion, I will try that.

I have Pacificare, which has been pretty good to me, but the physicians’ group I’m with is asking for all kinds of receipts that I don’t have--receipts from more than twenty years ago. So now I’m trying to get anything I think will help me.

I’d never thought of selfpay because I don’t have that kind of money, but I really want this band! I’m hoping someone in the physicians’ group will be sympathetic, but it’s depressing sometimes.

There are some things on this site that have really inspired me. this is one of them. Thank you Cherylita.

Debbie

Thank you Kathy and Cheryl. I know that in spite of my feelings I really want to get a band. I guess I’m frustrated because of insurance, and, I am afraid that I might fail, among other things. The people on this site are fantastic, as you have both proven. The support I’ve gotten has been wonderful, and has kept me on this path, again, in spite of my doubts and fears. Like you, Cheryl, I have visions of being able to do things I can’t do right now, and to rediscover that thinner, healthier me.

Thank you both very much.

Debbie

Sometimes I wonder what’s the use? I exercise, but I’m tired while I’m doing it. I feel like it’s not going to work. I went to a seminar yesterday. So what? Everything I do feels like a huge effort Yesterday when my friend and I were getting in to the public transportation to come home, another passenger said, “I think the heavier person should ride in front.” I didn’t hear the entire comment, but I was fairly certain it was about me. My friend basically told her to mind her own business. My trainer is willing to write something as proof that she worked with me; my therapist, I haven’t asked because when I first brought up the subject, she thought it was a “terrible surgery” and that I didn’t need it. My former OA food sponsor says she isn’t “a proponent” of weight loss surgery, but she was willing to write something. I said no, because I wouldn’t want her to do anything that goes against her beliefs, and it probably wouldn’t do any good anyway. Before I exercised, and even while I was, I felt depressed. It’s not as bad now, but it always starts out that way. Who do I think I’m kidding?.

LilMissBand-aid:

I really enjoyed reading your journey. I’m still waiting for a referral from my doctor. She said that if I didn’t hear anything in two weeks, I should call. I’m going to a seminar in a week, that was another setback. But your story gives me hope and makes me determined to keep going

Thank you.

Well, I thought about writing a poem, but I’m not coming up with anything clever right now, so I’ll just write.

I’m obsessed with food. I’ve just had potatoes and eggs, and I wish I could have something sweet, but not just a small piece of cake, or five cookies. I wish I could go on a binge n have glazed doughnuts, an apple fritter, Mother’s oatmeal cookies, some pound cake, banana pudding, maybe ice cream to go with the cake

Even as I’m eating something, I’m thinking of what I can have next.

What is it that I want? What can replace sugar for me?

I know how all this sugar effects my body, carrying an extra one hundred fifty, maybe sixty pounds.

Even as I eat, I think I’m not enjoying, not savouring the food enough, and I need the taste of the sugar to be continuous, never-ending; so I fill my mouth full of the sweetness. Maybe it’s only satisfying as long as I’m eating it.

Every time I hear a bag rattle I wonder what’s in it. Especially if it sounds like i could be cookies.

I want to loseht, but I keep eating sweets.

If I could find the key, understand what changes I need to make, how to break the cycle, if I could just read this to someone who could help me. If I can be a little ahead of the game before I know for sure if I’m elegible for the lap band …

Add a cinnamon roll to the list

Thursday, April 17, 2008. So how important is this to me, really? I saw my doctor, and I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't get it. I guess I was hoping she'd submit a referral for the surgery. What she said was that she wasn't sure how much Pacificare would pay for, that she could refer me to surgeons but she didn't think anyone at the medical center where I see her had experience with bariatric surgery, and we both agreed that it would be best to have someone who knew what they were doing. It's not that she wasn't supportive, but she wasn't as happy as I thought she would be, and she was the one who brought it up during my last visit. She did agree that it might be the best way for me to go, but she also encouraged me to talk to my therapist about behavioral modification. I almost feel that she wants me to try other things before I decide on the lap band or maybe she'd rather I do something else altogether. It just seems like she should be more involved, to me. I told her about going to OA, but not my entire weight loss struggle, or journey, or whatever you'd call it. Maybe she can only submit requests to my IPA, maybe it's because I'm scared, and that's why I'm letting her reaction bother me. I don't know how to explain to someone who's never been there, that I need something that's going to give me portion control. Sometimes, yes, I can have a piece of something, but most of the time that ain't hapenin. Chewing gum, drinking water, not buying the stuff doesn't work with, as my doctor said, any consistency. I feel like just giving up. All this time I've been researching, and now--just like that!--I give up? Did I really want it? I felt some excitement, and hope, too. I was seeing myself thin. I have the names of two doctors, one has been banded, the other, I know, offers free seminars. I wrote down the address and phone numbers. I just assume Pacificare won't pay. Do I want to?

What a sorry son of a bitch I am! I went to the vending machine at work, because I just had to have something sweet. Thinking I'd bought three packages of Oreos, and it turned out I had three packages of corn nuts! One of my co workers bought them from me because she loves them, and I got my Oreos, but jeeze! what atrip!

I've just eaten two. It's no problem for me to eat twelve cookies just like that! There's a song by a singer-songwriter with the title, "Look Within." I know as I'm crunching down on those suckers that even though they taste good, I'm trying to erase feelings? Looking for instant gratification? I guess I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I want to scream. I wish I could be satisfied with one cookie, or a piece of cake or pie.

Well, I'm still going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Something just won't let me do otherwise.

Debbie