kimalicious

I did it again...went for barely a week doing really good, then BAM!! Horrible horrible eating ever since the 1st of this month. It is already the 6th. I was so close to onederland and it is like I am sabotaging myself to not get there. Nothing major is going on in my life, basically I am stress free. I did have a long talk about living in the moment with my husband and enjoying everyday as it comes. I do have a problem with constantly planning the future and trying to forget mistakes in the past that I do not appreciate or even pretend to live in the NOW! He talked to me about how tomorrow isn't promised and how I am always so stressed about school or work or family and friends that I never appreciate the HERE AND NOW! I am actively working on this now and I guess in my mind this meant I could eat what ever I wanted since I am not promised tomorrow. How did I translate the talk into that rather than workout and eat right now and enjoy the good health and keeping up good health and living longer for the future you have to work at it now! I'm going to try better starting tomorrow. I'm not going to be so drastic that I can't eat some thing bad every once in a while. But I do really well while I am being drastic because it is about all or nothing with me. Starting tomorrow I will get back on the horse AGAIN! I will stop with the cokes and sweets and I will exercise at least once during the day. That is so not askin much on my own account, only not to slip back into the habits I have been trying to break for over a year now. I have to be down below 150 before I will be able to have children and If I don't start some steady weight loss now it will never happen. I can do this and I have to start now!!

Ok, Tuesday was a long day, I had school and work, but I managed to do decent with my calories and food:

Breakfast: low sugar oatmeal: 100 calories

Lunch: Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco extra pico: 270 calories

Snack: Tall caramel mocha frapp: 330 calories

Dinner: 100 calorie bag o popcorn: 100 calories

Total: 800 calories

I didn't work out, I did walk my mile or so at school though which got me sweatin cause I had a sweater on. Then I got on the scale this morn and had somehow gained a pound. I seriously need to get regular and maybe it would help this. I am going to look into flax seed or the oil version to do something. I also need to stop weighing during the week. I need a once a week weigh in so I can't see the ups and downs and discourage me. After I got off the scale this morning which I tried 3 times I decided I was going to eat whatever I wanted today! Yeah, that is really going to help me to get that pound back off. I hate feeling discouraged. I have been fighting so hard with myself all week with my food and today is less of a fight as yesterday and if I had not have weighed I bet I would have kept on going. Well, I have done no damage yet, only have drank water this morn...So I am writing now that I will NOT cheat today!! I will stick with it and I will not get back on that scale until Sunday weigh day!! TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!

I was such a good girl yesterday! There was 3 birthdays and 3 different cake passed around at work and I didn't take one piece! No cake was eaten yesterday! I did eat the breakfast taco I got from Lezlie but I only ate the eggs and sausage inside and only about half of that and didn't eat the tortilla. I was good all day long!!

Breakfast: 100 calorie pack cookies and half of inside of breakfast taco: 300 calories

Lunch: 1/2 chargrilled chicken sandwich w/ lo fat mayo and 1/2 order small fries: 300 calories

snack: 100 calorie pack cookies: 100 calories

Dinner: 100 calorie bag o popcorn: 100 calories

Totalling: 800 calories

I also did my Gazelle for 30 minutes to burn 270 calories!! -270 calories

I've been getting all of my water in and started taking 2 childrens chewable vitamins yesterday.

I have realized that the 30 minutes on the Gazelle doesn't do much for my heart rate and sweat factor like it used to. I need more to get my heart going, which is a good thing of course, but means I am going to have to spend more time working out if I just use my Gazelle. WHO has that kinda time. I will have to figure more exercises out and get out my tapes to follow along to.

WOOHOO, I am also down 1 more pound!! 6 pounds away from Onederland!! TODAY IS THE DAY!!! Slim & Slutty by Summer!! My newest mantra!

Well, I did it, no fast food, no going out to eat, plenty of cravings and plenty of time yelling at myself that I didn't need to go out to eat or grab some candy on the way home from school.

Saturday: I was so tight after the hurling on Friday that this day wasn't so hard.

Breakfast: coffee drink: 180 calories

Lunch: Sour cream and chive baked potato: 280 calories

Dinner: BBQ chicken breast, rice mix, very small salad: no calories (since I had a horrible PB that I didn't know was coming. After only a few bites of chicken and a few bites of rice and 1 bite of salad I was full, I stopped and sat for 30 minutes while all of this tried to get down. I thought I was doing good until I had to cough from a scratchy throat. That was no fun cough. I pbed into my hands and ran to the bathroom. Let's just say I had some cleaning to do once I was done!! So gross!!)

Snack: 100 calorie pack cookies: 100 calories

Sunday: Still tight, so trying to be careful

Breakfast: 100 calories pack of cookies: 100 calories (although I made m husband eggs with pico and cheese and toast with butter and apple butter, that was tough, I think I had a bite of his toast!)

Lunch: 1/2 apple and 1/2 string cheese (I can't believe I made myself a healthy snack for lunch!!)

Dinner: Venison chili. Dollup of sour cream and sprinkle of cheese. I probably got about 10 tiny bites down before full. Then had 1/4 cup of vanilla ice cream with Tablespoon of caramel sauce-bad, thank god it was mostly freezer burned so I didn't get much down.

Snack: handfull of pecans-so bad, but oh so good

After all of this at least I kept everything down today and no pains or anything. Best part I have lost 2 more pounds. I am only 7 pounds away from Onederland!! It has been so hard taking this one day at a time attitude. Trying not to diet, just not to eat everything in front of me and keeping myself outside of the restaurants so I don't eat the crazy-bad things there. I work 12 hours today, but brought lo cal snacks because days like these I tend to indulge. I think as long as I can get a workout in tonight once I'm home I will do fine today. We will see tomorrow!!! TODAY IS THE DAY!

Like a crack whore on meltdown from coming off her high that was I yesterday. Here is what I ate:

Breakfast: tall caramel frap, no whip: 210 calories

Lunch: small cup chicken salad from Chick fil a: 270 calories

snack: 100 calorie pack of cookies: 100 calories

Dinner: roasted chicken thigh, no skin, handfull of salad with pico de gallo on it and TBLSPN of vinegar and olive oil dressing, 4 strips of low carb tortilla that I toasted for salad. Calories: none.

I got sick sick, not just a pb, but real hurling after the chicken. I let it sit as long as possible as it kept trying to go down, but after 30 minutes I hit the bathroom and everything came back up. So much for trying to cook a nice meal. I hardly ever cook and especially not a low fat good for me meal. I made pico from scratch and dressing from scratch and chopped lettuce and made tortilla strips for the salad. Make sme mad, I actually worked on a meal and couldn't even get it all the way down. Oh well, a few hours later I had another:

100 calorie pack of cookies: 100 calories.

Total: 680 calories

I also did 30 minutes on the Gazelle! Yeah me!! 270 calories burned.

I actually made it thru the day. I don't think it would have been possible without the 100 calorie Right bite keebler chocochip cookies. I almost picked up and went to the store for some reeses minatures, then almost talked my husband into dinner at the Roadhouse for chicken fried steak. I fought and fought with these thoughts all day long. ALL DAY LONG.. I have also been fighting them all morning. I know this sounds bad, but that god I threw up last night. I am tight tight this morning and know not to even try something bad. I am drinking some international coffee mix stuff for breakfast and will stop by Wendy's after work on the way to school and get a sour cream and chive Baked potato. I have some 100 calorie packs in case I get to starving during my Physics labs later and won't see the house again until 7:00 tonight. So if I can just make it through Dinner tonight with being this tight I will be fine for the day. So I am going to work on another 30-40 minutes on the gazelle today to keep my metabolism up!!

I am going to my lab today!! I have to tell myself not to reschedule, because if I go to my lab I will have my mind on school and not food until 6:00 tonight. That will take up a big portion of my day. If I were to reschedule I will surely hit the Wal greens for candy and the Roadhouse for Chicken Fried Steak dinner. I WILL GO TO LAB TODAY!!! TODAY IS THE DAY!!

That is so my favorite!!, I could never eat jsut half.!! THat is not bad at all!

Sorry, I just found out we can have comments on these! HA! I know! It is especially awesome that I can only eat like 5 bites of all of these things, but still horrible the foods I fall back to when I am sooo not even trying kill me!! I wish I would learn to eat them in moderation like once every two weeks or something and then it wouldn't be such a problem. Thanks for the thought!

Sorry, michele, I didn't know these things had comments until JUST now. On a regular normal band day I can eat bread, It just has to be really slowly. Some days it comes back up. I do better with whole wheat. I haven't had any trouble with popcorn or nuts in small portions. Now I can't eat any of these things in the mornings. Mornings are strictly for liquids and mushies for me lately....some days are tighter than others though so you just have to guage it. Good luck with your band!

SO, Ok, I have not posted a new food journal in exactly 2 weeks, since my downfall I have gorged and snaked my way into oblivion, so I won't have to write out every calorie or meal I will just list some things that I ate over the past 2 weeks:

Fried fish and tatar sauce from Luby's

brownies

cookies

popcorn with butter

reese's peanut butter cups

peanut butter fudge bars from Mrs. Field's

Peanut M&M's

Peanut M&M's

Fried Chicken sandwiches

Chicken Nachos

Chips and Hot sauce

Taquitos with sour cream

sopapillas

Chicken Fried steak

Fried Onion blossum

lasagne

peanut butter pie

more Peanut M&M's

chocolate cake with ice cream

just to name a few. I feel better writing it all down and I decided after my tall caramel frappachino I had for breakfast: TODAY IS THE DAY. I know it is Friday, which is the day I am usually starting to be lax on my food through the weekend, but I need to force myself to start today instead of saying, MONDAY, I will start Monday. Then Monday gets here and it's just another fat eating day. Well, I drank half my frap and threw the rest away sickened by my actions over the past two weeks. I am always sickened AFTER my stomach is full and I am satiated. Why can't I be sickend before I go in a trance? Like last night sitting in front of the TV with my Luby's take out and take an hour to eat Fried Fish with tons of tartar sauce, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing with gravy, a roll with butter and sweet tea to push it down. Of course I couldn't eat all of the portions but it was bad enough that I sat there an hour eating to get that damn fish down. From 8-9 pm after I got off work, stuffed myself while my band was open and as I got stuck after 5 bites had my husband get me the sweet tea it would take to slowly push it all down so I could shovel more in. God I am disgusting.

I am worried because I am one of those people that can make myself throw up if I don't like the taste or smell of something. Like anything that would remotely be good for me. Any veggies and fruit I can't handle the consistancy of the food and I gag on it. Like green beans or oranges. ANY vegetable that is not salad covered in ranch dressing. But not fast food salad except for taco salad because it tastes really dry and is hard to chew for me. I am so freakin weird, but I have been this way since I was at least 2 years old. My mother told me that she would cook these fabulous meals and I would cry and barf if it was any veggie or non fried food. My father would drive and get me Churches chicken legs and corn on the cob!! At 2 years old. Now bear in mind my father and mother divorced when I was 2 and this was my "step-mother" who raised me whom I love dearly. So he was just feeding me to make me happy through the changes in my life. 2 years old it started for me. How do you break something 25 years in the making. My bio-mother who was 98 pounds when she got pregnant with me has eaten junk food her whole life and stayed thin on her 5 foot frame. It is just now catching up to her in her 50's the cupcakes and DP for breakfast and the popcorn for dinner. I'm sure the sugar thing runs genetically, I just got fat from it and she didn't until later in life. BUT TODAY IS THE DAY!!

I have a plan. I am writing down everything I eat including calories, fat, carbs and proteins! Everything! I am exercising every day, Every Day!! I will not give up the entire day because I had a frap for breakfast.

Frap: 210 calories, 2.5 fat grams, 43! Carbs, 4 grams of protein

I have planned for my lunch to eat a chicken salad cup from chick fil a and I will do this!! I WILL DO THIS!!! TODAY IS THE DAY!!!

Luckily even though I have pigged out for 2 weeks straight, I have not gained any!! Thank god to this band o mine! I love my band and need to start working with it! TODAY IS THE DAY!!:mad:

So ok, I fell, I was doing so good and then BAM!!! Fell Hard! Since I am being honest with myself I will notate everything I ate over the weekendand look up the calories for the next post. I am so upset with myself seeing that I am so close to wonderland. Back on the horse is where I need to be and the relaxed weekend eating has to be cut off until I am down under 200!!!

Friday:

Breakfast: 100 calorie pack of Cheese Nips: 100 calories

Lunch: 1/2 chargrilled chicken sandwich from Chick fil a w/ low fat mayo and 1/2 order of small fries: 290 calories

HERE COMES THE DOWNFALL!!

afterwork snack: 2 bites of cookie cake with frosting from the mall

Dinner: Don Pablos: 7 huge chips with about 3/4 cup of salsa, 1 chicken fajita nacho ( actually one from the order, which came with 8) and then lots of extra cheese, chicken and sour cream that I nibbled on as my band would let me. Then a sopapilla(SP) for dessert. PLUS 1/4 glass of COKE!!: total: 1 billion calories, so I know preband I would have eaten a basket of chips, 2 bowls of hot sauce, the entore order of nachos and sopapillas with extra buttery rum sauce. But still Friday was only the beginning!

At least did 40 minutes on the Gazelle which burned off 400 calories!

Saturday: 02/11/06

Breakfast: 2 more bites of cookie cake with icing that was PB'd because for some reason I thought I could eat this when I first woke up???

Lunch: 1/2 childs cheeseburger from Whataburger, 1/2 french fries and ketchup. 400 calories

snack: Half of a piece of cookie cake with icing and a peanut butter bar from Mrs. Fields!!!! Probably a million calories.

Dinner: 1/2 roll with butter, 1/3 side salad with ranch dressing, cheese and croutons. 1/3 chicken fried steak sandwich with mayo and pickles!!! Probably a million calories.

At least I did 40 minutes on the Gazelle, this burned off 400 calories!!

Sunday: 02/12/06

Breakfast: none

Lunch: 4 bites fried onions in sauce, 10 bites chicken fried steak w/ cream gravy, 1/3 baked potato loaded, 10 bites side salad complete with ranch, cheese, croutons, eggs and tomatoes and sweet Tea~

snack: 15 peanut butter Hershy Kisses and a Dr. Pepper!!

Dinner: Back to Donny P's for 8 chips, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 whole nacho and then nibbles of cheese and chicken from the top of the nachos, 2, count them 2 sopapillas with yummy buttery rum sauce! Then 1/2 of a coke!!!

Snack: 5 more peanut butter Hershy kisses!

SWEET PETE, NO EXERCISE SINCE I WAS SO MISERABLE FROM WHAT I ATE!! I just remembered before we went to dinner I hit the fridge with my leftover chicken fried steak and ate the breading and gravy off of it whilst standing in front of the fridge!

Now to today:

Monday: 02/14/06

The horror continues:

Breakfast: 10 Reese peanut butter cups!

Lunch: 1/2 childrens cheese burger, 1/2 childrens fries DIPPED IN MAYO!!! 8 oz of coke: 500 calories

snack: 10 more Reeses Peanut Butter Cups!

This is all I will eat today since I won't get home until 8:30 from work and have too much homework to worry about!

I will make it through valentines day and I will hit it hard again with no cheating!!

God I am really disgusted with myself at this point, how can I go so quickly back into fat girl eating mode!?? I know I would have eaten TONS more pre band, but I just feel disgusting!!! Time to nip it in the bud. Bad habits are so hard to break!

Thursday was a decent food day. I will say that the Chick Fil A people tried to sabatoge me though. I pulled up and ordered my Chargrilled Chicken sandwich, extra pickles, low fat mayo. The snuck a large fries in the bag. I checked my receipt and I didn't pay for them either. Well, I was strong and ate 1 of the fries and threw the rest AWAY! I was so proud of that moment since normally that would have been cause for Happiness, but I took care of it without blowing my diet!

Breakfast: 100 calorie pack of Cheese Its: 100 calories

Lunch: 1/2 chargrilled Chicken Sammich/extra pickles, low-fat mayo, 1 waffle fry: 220 calories

After school snack: tall caramel mocha frappachino, no whip: 350 calories

Dinner: 100 calorie pack of popcorn: 100 calories

bad habit: 3 pecan halves: 25 calories

Total Calories: 795

Exercise: 30 minutes on the Gazelle while watching Grey's Anatomy: -284 calories burned baby!

I drank all 4 bottles of my water today...woohoo

Lost 1 more pound!

Holy crap Wednesday was long, I worked 9 hours and then drove to school to an Astronomy lab from 7:30-9:30,, felt really outta place because everyone there was 18 and thier biggest problem of the night was that they didn't have a Valentine. Drove 45 minutes home and then studied for my test today that I so don't feel prepared for, but here's my food intake for yesterday:

Wendesday: 02/08/06:

Breakfast: 1 package of Quaker low sugar oatmeal: 100 calories

Lunch: 1 Ranchero Chicken soft Taco from Taco Bell: 270 calories

Snack: 1 100 Calorie pack of Chips Ahoy: 100 calories

Dinner: 1 Ranchero Chicken soft Taco from Taco Bell: 270 Calories

I drank 3 and a half bottles of water, but no time for exercise

Total: 740 calories.

I resisted the urges to stop in a Denny's and tear up a fried chicken sandwich with ranch dressing, and also forced myself not to stop at the store for Reese's miniature cups. Today should be just as good since I am too beat down to worry about food.

Cravings from 5:30 am-7:41 am = Fried bread and butter? Mexican food? Why? I don't know

So far this week, I have been doing ok since my planned binge meltdown on Monday:

Monday: 02/06/06: total 1600-2000 calories

Breakfast: 1 bag peanut M&M's: 250 Calories

Lunch: Half a kids meal at Steak N Shake, including: Half a cheeseburger w/ mayo, half of my fries and ketchup: 350 Calories.

Dinner: 3/4's a bag of popcorn with 1/2 stick of butter drizzled over it, Hanfull of peanut m&m's, 4 drinks of coke and about 10 Resse's Miniatures: had to be over 1000 calories.

Exercise: none!

Tuesday: 02/07/06: total: 750 calories

Breakfast: 100 Calorie pack of Cheese Nips: 100 calories

Lunch: 1/2 Chargrilled Chicken sandwich from Chick Fil A w/ lowfat mayo: 200 calories.

after school snack: tall caramel mocha frappachino, no whip: 350 calories.

Dinner: 100 Calorie Bag of Popcorn: 100 calories

Exercise: 30 minutes on the Gazelle: -270 calories burned!

Walking the mile and a half on campus