TwinsMama

TheCurvyJ wow..you are down to only 8 lbs left before your personal pre-op goal? Fantastic! I'm glad I'm not the only one who set my own goal. Good for you for sticking to it and making it. Wow...just wow! Great job!

LezzieLez I agree, wow, you already have your date, that's great! If I could get under 300 I would be glad. Good luck to you and yes, making the changes now seems like it would make for a smoother post-op process. You've given me motivation I needed today. Thanks for that!

Yesterday I had my visit with my Nut. She didn't fuss express any complaints. She was glad I understood and did research on what would be required at each stage of post-op. She also weighed me. After my last meeting of 5 lbs down, I was very disappointed to only have lost 1 lb. this last month. I have been following the plan and even reduced my calorie intake as suggested. Exercise has been consistent. Today I woke up very tempted to just diet until my immediate pre-op diet starts. I have a goal (self-imposed I'll admit) to get down to 300 lbs by my surgery date. Since I don't know when that will be (most likely late Jan/ early Feb), I want to get this first 50 or so lbs. off. I realized that I still have some mental crap stuff to get over. Logically I know that this is a marathon and not a sprint. It is going to take time to lose just as it took time to gain...years to be exact. But man would I love to have only 150 lbs to lose post-op. Why 150? Because I like round numbers. Also, because I've read that sleevers don't lose as much or as quickly as Rny patients and well I'm scared that in the first 6 months I won't lose much. I know I will continue to lose but I worry what it will feel like to lose 50 lbs and then have to lose the remaining 100-130 at 2 lbs a week for another year and a half. That type of slow weight loss has never kept me motivated or going. The faster I lost the more motivated I was to keep eating well and exercising. I also know I have problems keeping weight off so that is a whole other side of this. I've come to realize if I'm only going to lose 2 lbs a week, heck that is the same as any other low calorie, low carb diet. Why go through with surgery for such a slow loss rate? Sure, I'll have the extra tool of the sleeve but I really worry after all this is said and done I will not have reached my goal. I understand this goes back to my fears. I also get it that I need to take a major chill pill. I'm really trying to get my head right for this and know today's recurring thought of not reaching my personal goal is hurting more than helping. So I'm going to chill wayyy down and go have some tea. Has anyone else felt like this? I'd love to know I'm not the only person so particular about how much I lose before surgery to make things "easier" after surgery.

Today I meet with my Nut. It is part of my 6 month pre-surgery requirement from Kaiser. I have a secret... I really don't like meeting with my Nut. Okay there I said it...My Nut and I were kind of thrown together. I originally met with another Nut (A). She was great. Honest but firm and helpful. She treated you like a partner and held you accountable. I had my first meeting with Nut A where she sat and helped me come up with a plan. I then had my second meeting with her where we decided I would pursue surgery. We tweaked my plan and she scheduled me for a third. That's when the problem started. She is just too darn popular. Everyone (or at least most in my area) wants to work with her. Again, she is great. However, to meet with her you literally have to schedule 2-3 months out. By the time of my 3rd appointment, she didn't have anything available for 2 months. I didn't want to add even more months to my 6 month process so I agreed to meet with another Nut (. Nut B is the exact opposite of A. She makes you feel lousy no matter how well you do. It is like she tries to not be happy. At my last appointment I lost 5 lbs. This was major for me. Not because I haven't lost weight before, but this time I didn't do anything crazy extreme. I was proud that I stuck to the plan (from Nut A) and increased my exercise. Her response? I'm going to pause here to let you know something - - that little lady almost caught big time attitude. I think time stopped for about 30 minutes as my mind processed how to not show my tail in there. I didn't get rude, rather I reminded her that I ALWAYS wear my walking shoes to each meeting because I come directly from work and have to take public transportation. You see, she is simply not easy to work with. In fact, at my last meeting with Nut B, she received a call that someone else (apparently this is common) is leaving her to work with Nut A. Instead of being phased she proceeded to insult the guy - in front of me. Wow! - - and these 2 examples are the "nicer" ones regarding my interactions with her. My point for writing this...it is a challenge that I'm having to overcome. Working with her is actually helping me to see that this really is for me...not her or anyone else...me. It gives me perspective that not everyone cares that I am losing weight. Not everyone cares that I stick to my plan. Not everyone wants to hear my crap (good or bad) regarding this change in my lifestyle. Sure, my Nut should want to be more of a partner with me but her job is to supervise my progress and provide correction to my plan when needed. Her job is to ensure that I stick this through and meet Kaiser's requirements and not to be my friend. Her stand-offish (is that even a word?) behavior helps me to keep my focus on doing this for me and not for someone else's approval. I stick with my Nut (such an appropriate name sometimes) because she does have a high success rate. Very high, even though she is not the most liked. Her people tend to be very independent and exceed their set goals. So there is a method to her madness.

You have done a very good job and don't worry about other people's comments. I had a friend who lost over 100 lbs with RnY. She recieved such negative comments (masked in "compliments") during her journey. She ended up deciding not to tell most people that she even had surgery. It was hard for her to deal with the negativity of people who she felt should have been happy/proud of her. She eventually surpassed goal and now many of those same people are looking to her for support through their journey. She is a kind person so she offers support, but boy, they put her through it. In the long run you know what you're doing for yourself is important so stay your course and try your best to shake off the foolishness of those who treat you bad.

My Nut has me changing a few behaviors that she says will make things a bit easier post-op. As I've worked to do these things I've noticed some things about myself I've been doing that have worked completely against me. I didn't realize just how much the little things matter. Eating slower - my Mom used to make us chew 20 times before we swallowed. Who knew that eating slower would also make me eat less? As an adult of course I thought, okay I don't need to eat that slow now that my Mom is not sitting a the table watching me eat. Well low and behold, I do need to eat that slow or else my lower calorie count would not sustain me. 3 months into this and I still have to remind myself to eat slower. I do find that after a while I just get tired of eating so I put the food up or avoid food just so it doesn't take me a hour to eat 300 calories. That's a whole other issue I'm overcoming. Smaller bites - this goes hand-in-hand with eating slower. I didn't realize just how much I cram into my mouth at one time. I reallllllly struggle with this. I remember being so happy when I didn't have to cut up my kids' food so small as they got more teeth. Who knew I'd end up having to cut up my own food so small? I know this is necessary, but I have to admit i feel like a loser sometimes when I do this in front of people.Sipping - I come from a family of gulpers. We can keep a waiter/ress on the run for drink refills. I enjoy water and protein shakes and tea and coffee (decafe) and heck anything but beer and until recently wine. This is by far the hardest part so far of my new eating style. I averaged 80-100 oz of water alone daily. Now I'm lucky if I hit my 80 oz. Sipping causes me to drink so much less water and I've all but cut out everything else to encourage getting my water in. It also never quite leaves my thirst quenched. I'm always thirsty now.Strawlessness - probably not a word, but it sucks. I love straws. I used to go out and buy cute colorful and decorative ones. I am having a hard time learning to overcome the thought of putting my mouth on a glass after someone has handed it to me. YUCK! Didn't realize I was so OCD about this until my Nut said no more straws. The plus side is that it does encourage me to not drink while I eat or to drink at all while I'm out.No drinking when eating - I get thristy (see sipping above). I like to drink while I eat. Having to stop this has made me realize, I didn't need to drink when I ate. Simply this is more of a culturally learned behavior. The only time I miss drinking when I eat is if I consume bread, sweets, or crackers. All my no-nos so it is funny that when I purposely eat something I shouldn't it makes me thirsty.Drinking calories - I could live off of protein shakes, frappes, and iced coffee. While protein shakes are good, all the other things I like to drink aren't so much. I am always on the go and for a while I sustained myself on Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. It wasn't until I truly started documenting EVERYTHING I consumed that I realized 1 of my fave drinks was almost all my daily calories. Ouch! That hurt because I just knew saying skim, or lite was really helping...sike! It was not doing a darn thing. Lesson learned!VST is really helping me because at first I thought my Nut was being really strict. The more I read the more I see that these are the exact behaviors I will need to maintain post-op. I really appreciate all of you sharing your stories and helping me not get annoyed with my Nut to see the bigger picture.

In years past this has been the night (okay one of the nights) I wished my kids would go to bed without incident. Why? So that their Dad and I could raid their candy! Tonight this ritual will still take place, only without me. I won't be able to participate because I am choosing not to cheat myself. I'm still on Kaiser's 6-month pre-op eating plan. Well not really a plan but more like proof that you can eat well for 6 consecutive months. So I've decided while my husband and cousins (oh yes, we will have company for the first time ever on Halloween) raid the kids' bags, I will try something else. Yes, this took a lot of planning. I went from frustrated, to sad, to angry (at myself for having to even refrain myself), to acceptance - - this is me and I have to learn to deal. At first I thought I'd just go to bed early. But come on, really, could I go to bed with my cousins over? Then I thought I would make a shake...nah, I want something crunchy. Oh well I guess I'll just sit and watch them have fun. Then it hit me...get rid of the stupid all or nothing thinking. I want to participate but I know I can't afford to cheat. Sure I could lose the 2 lbs. again that I've already lost but why even set myself up? Rather, I'll have my own version of "candy" (a granola bar that fits into my plan) and then go walk my dog.

Thanks so much for your comment Adorable...I've made up my mind to sleeve. Now to be sure my head stays in the right place. The constant up and down is wrecking my body so this is like my last ditch effort.

So I've been thinking a lot about the aspects of the sleeve that scare me. I'm pretty good at letting my imagination run wild so I've come up with the following: Loose skin - yes, I'll admit I want to look darn good after going through such a drastic weightloss process. I see that as a sort of reward for all the hard work. What if I look worse with loose skin than I look now with the weight? I love my curves and being tall I've been told I carry them well, but I know they are conspiring against me long term. So I have to lose weight to stay healthy but man would I like to have a nice firm look post-weight loss. Big head - okay this is sort of comical but yes, I don't want my already big "apple-ish" head to look like a bobble head. This is one of those things that logically seems stupid but in my mind seems like a real concern. Questions - what happens when someone I haven't seen in years sees me and asks how I lost the weight? Will I tell them about my surgery, tell them I changed my diet and started exercising, heck change the subject? I wonder about that but guess this is one of those in the moment decisions based on who I'm talking to. Shopping - will I go overboard now that I can afford cheaper clothes? I am already the shop until I drop type...what happens when it takes me longer to drop? Will I go overboard and thus broke? I'm sure my hubby won't let that happen, but still I wonder if I'll be one of those people who trade an addiction to food in for an addiction to shopping. Socializing - I have a few friends who have struggled with their weight and thus we tend to have "active" social events. However, more of my friends live to eat and our events ALWAYS involve food. How will I handle these events as I'm working hard to lose the weight? Will I have to not attend or always show up early/late (way before/after the meal)? Pain/complications/death - let me be frank...I am a pure punk don't handle pain well. My c-section took forever to heal and even 3 years after I still had pain when attempting to work out. Thus, I stopped really working out on a regular basis. What if this surgery feels like that? Or worse, what if I have the same limited mobility for months after this surgery that I had after my c-section and can't work out like my doctor wants? Or even worse, what if I do this and it takes me from my husband and children? This especially concerns me because I don't have any health problems other than the extra weight. Going bald - (see big head above) I have very fine hair. The thought of my scalp showing is well "not hot" in my Tamar Braxton voice. I am of the mindset that hair grows back, but I would also like to keep my hair if possible. I go through great pains to make my hair look full and thick now, so with even less...well, that would be a real challenge. What if all this doesn't work/last - I'm sure everyone has thought this at some point. I worry that I may be the only person in history for which this doesn't accomplish my goal. I have about 200 lbs to lose and I worry that I just won't make it to goal. I understand the goal is to be healthier but right now I have no health problems other than the extra weight. What if my goal of getting to onederland just doesn't happen?I realize when I look at my list that I have read in the forums at least one topic on each (maybe not the big head fear) of these and it feels good not to be alone. In reading one post a Sleeve Veteran said (paraphrasing here) that it is normal to wonder and fear the unknown about this surgery. That makes me feel better about taking this seriously and also lets me know I am committed enough to not let the not-so-glamorous parts of this surgery deter me. It feels good to get these fears out in the open and to laugh at how silly some of these sound.

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality. I've been this way for pretty much my entire life. The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to. I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too. The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help. For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off. For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help. Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight. How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day. I'll be one of them. I won't take the easy way out (WLS). So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well. Did I mention I'm also a high achiever? If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them. It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance. I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost. Finally, I thought okay this is it. Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist. I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life. Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life? I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time??? But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured. So she and I came up with a menu. Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks. Why? I didn't want to eat anything wrong. So at my next apt she had me weigh in. Great, surely I would have lost something. Lord please let me have lost something. I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained. Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight. Talk about a bummer. Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me. I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help. That moment was major for me. I'm not used to needing asking for help. That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud. My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me. Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it? By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman. How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet. I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it. I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets. She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode. I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals. Clever! She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that. I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought. It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision. There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off. But I'm dealing with that. I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help. That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise. This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude. I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process. That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.