Jack Fabulous

Ugh! I feel you. I've been eating due to stress myself and I don't have HALF the stuff going on you do. {{{HUGS}}}

Over the last several months, I have gained six pounds. You would not think that would be a big deal but my body can feel it. I wake up exhausted and I struggle through the day. This past week I have been thinking about why I can’t seem to continue my weight loss. I am happy that I have lost over 100 pounds, but I have another 50 to lose. By the early part of this year I stopped losing weight. That was a little frustrating but I kept it in perspective. I told myself that I have been very successful thus far and I should be proud of what I have accomplished. Reluctantly, I stopped trying to lose weight and have done a decent job of maintaining it. It’s been about nine months and I’ve been thinking that I need to get back to losing the last bit of weight. If I don’t, my fear is that I will let myself go and end up right back where I started. I know that losing the weight will be a dramatic change for me and will make me healthier and give me more energy. But there is a fear inside of me that is stopping me from moving forward. This is the same fear that took me up to 330 pounds and would not allow me to lose that weight for over 10 years. I lost the weight but I did not conquer the fear. The only way I was able to lose the weight was by getting surgery to have 85% of my stomach removed so that I would be physically unable to eat. When you think about it, it sounds rather barbaric. I’ve been trying to figure out what the fear is so that I can face it. It is a fear of success or is it a fear of losing pleasure or is it just an addiction? Before my surgery, I used to think I had a fear of success because I was emotionally comfortable being overweight and didn’t know how I would act or react to being “thin”. I think this is partly why I have been content at my new weight. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight; enough to make the surgery a “success”. I went from a Body Mass Index of 56% to 36.8%. While it is an impressive drop, a BMI of 36.8% is not thin. I have gone from super morbidly obese to just obese. I remain emotionally comfortable in my weight because I still consider myself fat. While a small part of me feels flattered, mostly it makes me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable when I am complimented on my weight loss or the way I look. A person giving me a compliment is a foreign concept and I often do not know how to process what they are saying. Outwardly, I smile and say “Thank you” but inside it feels as if I am holding a dead bird in my hand that I don’t know what to do with. Am I afraid of holding on to too many dead birds? The other part of the problem of course is more complicated; it is the food addiction. Food is pleasurable. The act of eating is pleasurable. I like pleasure and use it as an escape from myself and my stress. Lately, work has been very stressful and I have not been able to control myself when it comes to eating. The sad thing is, I know what I am doing and I continue to do it. The sad thing is, the food does not reduce the stress but I keep eating.

I eat a fun size chocolate fairly regularly

It happens to everyone. I tried walking and Gas-X but nothing but time helped. It got worse before it got better. It should go away in about a week.

I use Premiere Chocolate and I LOVE Muscle Milk Strawberry. The others (Special K; Atkins etc) will not give you enough protein.

After the holidays, I've been considering doing the same thing! I was thinking about going on a protein shake diet for a week. Let me know what you are thinking about doing.

I can usually get 3 meals out of whatever I order at any restaurant. It's great!!

I was back at work 6 days after surgery. I think you will be fine if you follow your doctor's advice. Walk everyday even if you don't feel like it.

I took regular vitamins after 2 weeks post op.

Never heard of that. I used Premiere Protein pre-op and Muscle Milk post-op

I host a local sleevers group here called VA DC MD Sleevers. Feel free to join!

It is very natural to get nervous and scared. Just take it one minute at a time. You will do great. I was terrified before my surgery and wrote a blog entry about it. If it helps, feel free to read it.

Just a little over a year ago, I wrote about what I thought 2012 would be like for me. I was experiencing a lot of stress at the time thinking how drastically my life would transform by having weight loss surgery, adopting a baby and potentially changing my job; three major life changes. The weight loss journey has been a unique ride into a bizarre world where I am valued and found to be attractive by people around me. While it was difficult physically, it was not any harder than what I had expected. Mentally and emotionally, the journey has been surreal. I’m still not sure what to make of everything and I’m still trying to get used to this new life. I was very anxious about my surgery. I was worried about having medical complications and I was concerned about the impact the surgery would have on my life. Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about. The surgery and recovery went smoothly. I was worried about standing out in a crowd or drawing attention to myself because of my dietary needs. My anxiety was unfounded as I have discovered that I am no different than anyone else except that I eat less food. I don’t mind telling waiters and fellow diners that I’ve had surgery and therefore am not able to eat large quantities of food. I am not ashamed of my surgery in the least. I know I could not have lost this weight without the surgery. Last year, I had a lot of new experiences with food and people. My goal this year will be to take what I learned last year and apply it. I still have 60 pounds I want to lose. I need to focus on my recovery and weight loss once again like I did a year ago. It is necessary for me to use what I learned about protein shakes, eating slowly, and making better food choices to take my journey to the next level. I bought bicycles last year but did not use them very much. After losing weight I was more active than I had ever been before. I went on several walks and then there was that infamous kayaking trip. It is very easy for me to revert back to my old sedentary habits; therefore, I need to make a conscious effort to continue to stay active in 2013. Finally, this year I need to learn to become more comfortable in my own skin. I need to learn the social skills required to make new friends and confidently talk to strangers. I think this has more to do with my self-esteem and confidence than anything else. I don’t believe in making concrete New Year’s resolutions, but I think some lifestyle and behavioral changes are always a positive thing. In a push to grow as an individual, I will make an effort to be more active; more social; and practice healthy eating behaviors. As it is getting late, I will discuss the adoption and career at another time.

All of my life I felt very different from everyone around me and constantly yearned to be “normal” like everyone else. In school, I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis because I was “different”. In order to cope with the abuse at school and at home, I turned to food. What I didn’t realize at the time was that instead of running towards normalcy, my actions were driving me further away. As I gorged myself with calories, I gained weight and became less active. As an adult, I became so fat that I had trouble doing simple tasks like getting dressed or walking a block to a place for lunch. I thought about getting weight loss surgery, but then, I would permanently be “not normal”. One of my greatest fears about getting the surgery was that I would never be able to eat like a “normal” person again. I thought that I would not be able to participate in social activities where food was served and my post-surgery eating habits would attract attention to me as being different from everyone else. It never occurred to me that at 325 lbs, I was not eating like a normal person to begin with and my eating habits were probably already attracting attention. Today, after having lost 100 lbs from surgery, I am quite shocked to discover that I feel more normal than I have ever felt in my life. I am as active as any normal person and can physically do everything a normal person can do. My eating habits have not impacted my social life in the least. It feels wonderful to be able to walk into any clothing store and buy whatever I want just like a normal person. Even though I am not happy about still being 60 lbs overweight, given the average size of people these days, even that seems normal. I was telling my therapist that I feel like I have normal weight loss issues now. Weight loss seemed like an impossible dream before surgery, but I am at a point now where I need to watch what I eat and exercise like a normal person to lose any more weight. With surgery, I have achieved normalcy, the one thing I feared I would not gain by having the surgery. I’m hopeful that I will lose the rest of this weight in the new year.

Unfortunately, I tolerate sweets and sugars quite well. I wish sugar made me sick.