Fear & Addiction

Over the last several months, I have gained six pounds. You would not think that would be a big deal but my body can feel it. I wake up exhausted and I struggle through the day. This past week I have been thinking about why I can’t seem to continue my weight loss. I am happy that I have lost over 100 pounds, but I have another 50 to lose.

By the early part of this year I stopped losing weight. That was a little frustrating but I kept it in perspective. I told myself that I have been very successful thus far and I should be proud of what I have accomplished. Reluctantly, I stopped trying to lose weight and have done a decent job of maintaining it.

It’s been about nine months and I’ve been thinking that I need to get back to losing the last bit of weight. If I don’t, my fear is that I will let myself go and end up right back where I started. I know that losing the weight will be a dramatic change for me and will make me healthier and give me more energy.

But there is a fear inside of me that is stopping me from moving forward. This is the same fear that took me up to 330 pounds and would not allow me to lose that weight for over 10 years. I lost the weight but I did not conquer the fear. The only way I was able to lose the weight was by getting surgery to have 85% of my stomach removed so that I would be physically unable to eat. When you think about it, it sounds rather barbaric.

I’ve been trying to figure out what the fear is so that I can face it. It is a fear of success or is it a fear of losing pleasure or is it just an addiction?

Before my surgery, I used to think I had a fear of success because I was emotionally comfortable being overweight and didn’t know how I would act or react to being “thin”. I think this is partly why I have been content at my new weight. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight; enough to make the surgery a “success”. I went from a Body Mass Index of 56% to 36.8%. While it is an impressive drop, a BMI of 36.8% is not thin. I have gone from super morbidly obese to just obese. I remain emotionally comfortable in my weight because I still consider myself fat.

While a small part of me feels flattered, mostly it makes me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable when I am complimented on my weight loss or the way I look. A person giving me a compliment is a foreign concept and I often do not know how to process what they are saying. Outwardly, I smile and say “Thank you” but inside it feels as if I am holding a dead bird in my hand that I don’t know what to do with. Am I afraid of holding on to too many dead birds?

The other part of the problem of course is more complicated; it is the food addiction. Food is pleasurable. The act of eating is pleasurable. I like pleasure and use it as an escape from myself and my stress. Lately, work has been very stressful and I have not been able to control myself when it comes to eating. The sad thing is, I know what I am doing and I continue to do it. The sad thing is, the food does not reduce the stress but I keep eating.