Jack Fabulous

Ugh! I feel you. I've been eating due to stress myself and I don't have HALF the stuff going on you do. {{{HUGS}}}

Over the last several months, I have gained six pounds. You would not think that would be a big deal but my body can feel it. I wake up exhausted and I struggle through the day. This past week I have been thinking about why I can’t seem to continue my weight loss. I am happy that I have lost over 100 pounds, but I have another 50 to lose. By the early part of this year I stopped losing weight. That was a little frustrating but I kept it in perspective. I told myself that I have been very successful thus far and I should be proud of what I have accomplished. Reluctantly, I stopped trying to lose weight and have done a decent job of maintaining it. It’s been about nine months and I’ve been thinking that I need to get back to losing the last bit of weight. If I don’t, my fear is that I will let myself go and end up right back where I started. I know that losing the weight will be a dramatic change for me and will make me healthier and give me more energy. But there is a fear inside of me that is stopping me from moving forward. This is the same fear that took me up to 330 pounds and would not allow me to lose that weight for over 10 years. I lost the weight but I did not conquer the fear. The only way I was able to lose the weight was by getting surgery to have 85% of my stomach removed so that I would be physically unable to eat. When you think about it, it sounds rather barbaric. I’ve been trying to figure out what the fear is so that I can face it. It is a fear of success or is it a fear of losing pleasure or is it just an addiction? Before my surgery, I used to think I had a fear of success because I was emotionally comfortable being overweight and didn’t know how I would act or react to being “thin”. I think this is partly why I have been content at my new weight. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight; enough to make the surgery a “success”. I went from a Body Mass Index of 56% to 36.8%. While it is an impressive drop, a BMI of 36.8% is not thin. I have gone from super morbidly obese to just obese. I remain emotionally comfortable in my weight because I still consider myself fat. While a small part of me feels flattered, mostly it makes me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable when I am complimented on my weight loss or the way I look. A person giving me a compliment is a foreign concept and I often do not know how to process what they are saying. Outwardly, I smile and say “Thank you” but inside it feels as if I am holding a dead bird in my hand that I don’t know what to do with. Am I afraid of holding on to too many dead birds? The other part of the problem of course is more complicated; it is the food addiction. Food is pleasurable. The act of eating is pleasurable. I like pleasure and use it as an escape from myself and my stress. Lately, work has been very stressful and I have not been able to control myself when it comes to eating. The sad thing is, I know what I am doing and I continue to do it. The sad thing is, the food does not reduce the stress but I keep eating.

Just a little over a year ago, I wrote about what I thought 2012 would be like for me. I was experiencing a lot of stress at the time thinking how drastically my life would transform by having weight loss surgery, adopting a baby and potentially changing my job; three major life changes. The weight loss journey has been a unique ride into a bizarre world where I am valued and found to be attractive by people around me. While it was difficult physically, it was not any harder than what I had expected. Mentally and emotionally, the journey has been surreal. I’m still not sure what to make of everything and I’m still trying to get used to this new life. I was very anxious about my surgery. I was worried about having medical complications and I was concerned about the impact the surgery would have on my life. Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about. The surgery and recovery went smoothly. I was worried about standing out in a crowd or drawing attention to myself because of my dietary needs. My anxiety was unfounded as I have discovered that I am no different than anyone else except that I eat less food. I don’t mind telling waiters and fellow diners that I’ve had surgery and therefore am not able to eat large quantities of food. I am not ashamed of my surgery in the least. I know I could not have lost this weight without the surgery. Last year, I had a lot of new experiences with food and people. My goal this year will be to take what I learned last year and apply it. I still have 60 pounds I want to lose. I need to focus on my recovery and weight loss once again like I did a year ago. It is necessary for me to use what I learned about protein shakes, eating slowly, and making better food choices to take my journey to the next level. I bought bicycles last year but did not use them very much. After losing weight I was more active than I had ever been before. I went on several walks and then there was that infamous kayaking trip. It is very easy for me to revert back to my old sedentary habits; therefore, I need to make a conscious effort to continue to stay active in 2013. Finally, this year I need to learn to become more comfortable in my own skin. I need to learn the social skills required to make new friends and confidently talk to strangers. I think this has more to do with my self-esteem and confidence than anything else. I don’t believe in making concrete New Year’s resolutions, but I think some lifestyle and behavioral changes are always a positive thing. In a push to grow as an individual, I will make an effort to be more active; more social; and practice healthy eating behaviors. As it is getting late, I will discuss the adoption and career at another time.

All of my life I felt very different from everyone around me and constantly yearned to be “normal” like everyone else. In school, I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis because I was “different”. In order to cope with the abuse at school and at home, I turned to food. What I didn’t realize at the time was that instead of running towards normalcy, my actions were driving me further away. As I gorged myself with calories, I gained weight and became less active. As an adult, I became so fat that I had trouble doing simple tasks like getting dressed or walking a block to a place for lunch. I thought about getting weight loss surgery, but then, I would permanently be “not normal”. One of my greatest fears about getting the surgery was that I would never be able to eat like a “normal” person again. I thought that I would not be able to participate in social activities where food was served and my post-surgery eating habits would attract attention to me as being different from everyone else. It never occurred to me that at 325 lbs, I was not eating like a normal person to begin with and my eating habits were probably already attracting attention. Today, after having lost 100 lbs from surgery, I am quite shocked to discover that I feel more normal than I have ever felt in my life. I am as active as any normal person and can physically do everything a normal person can do. My eating habits have not impacted my social life in the least. It feels wonderful to be able to walk into any clothing store and buy whatever I want just like a normal person. Even though I am not happy about still being 60 lbs overweight, given the average size of people these days, even that seems normal. I was telling my therapist that I feel like I have normal weight loss issues now. Weight loss seemed like an impossible dream before surgery, but I am at a point now where I need to watch what I eat and exercise like a normal person to lose any more weight. With surgery, I have achieved normalcy, the one thing I feared I would not gain by having the surgery. I’m hopeful that I will lose the rest of this weight in the new year.

Unfortunately, I tolerate sweets and sugars quite well. I wish sugar made me sick.

I don't see a double chin

There is a woman who reads my blog. I was going to be in her town on business, so, I decided to ask to meet her; to my shock and horror, she accepted. This was not a “date” in the true sense of the word; in my mind however, I treated it as a date in order to gain experience in my social skills. We planned to meet for dinner. We talked – a lot. I found her to be intelligent, articulate, funny, interesting, and strikingly good-looking. All the characteristics I like in a woman. But really, the reason I’m telling this story is because of what we discussed and how it is helping me grow. I’ve written quite a bit about my negative self-image, my believing that I am unattractive, repulsive and fat and my shyness around people, especially women. I’ve discussed my fears and my social awkwardness. She didn’t see any of that. One of our first topics of conversation was my negative self-image. She said she was expecting someone far different than the man standing in front of her. She was expecting an ugly, fat guy who would have trouble communicating. Wait, that’s not me? Apparently not. She accused me of having a handsome face and not being fat. She thought that I had a terrific personality and didn’t think that I was socially awkward. She reiterated her impressions of me several times that I feared she thought I was making up this entire thing. In my diary I pen my deepest and darkest thoughts. My self-perception is a reflection of these thoughts about myself based on a lifetime of abuse. So while I may have this façade of being all put together on the outside, my writing is really about what’s in my head. My self-image is about how I see myself; not how the outside world sees me. What she was able to accomplish in one afternoon, I could not have accomplished in years of therapy and thousands of dollars. Ever since that encounter in October, I’ve started to evolve my opinion of myself. I’ve begun to question my negative self-image and attempted to gain a more confident attitude. I still have issues with insecurity, shyness, and self-esteem and I still feel socially awkward a lot of the time, but thanks to her I’m trying to build a positive attitude about who I am. And for that I owe her a debt of gratitude.

I had several unusual and emotional dreams last night. One was a very sentimental dream about the fire department. I guess I still really miss that place and I have not done anything to give myself closure. I also had a nightmare that I had gained 40 pounds. This is a direct result of how I have been feeling emotionally. I seem to get into these cycles where I throw caution to the wind and revert back to my old food addict behavior. I’ve been eating high calorie foods for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been able to maintain my weight but I haven’t lost any. I know that at the rate I was going that I would have ended up gaining some. Luckily, I’ve tried to get back into control and provide myself with structured meals. I’ve also gone back to drinking a few protein shakes as meal replacements to try and jump start my weight loss again. I’ve also felt very angry for the past several weeks. I’m not sure whether I’m eating more because I’m angry or the other way around. I think the anger stems from my mourning food. I’m angry that it’s gone. It’s not totally gone of course and I can have a satisfying meal, but lately I’ve wanted more food than I can eat. That has just been pissing me off.

I agree. Its a great movie!!

You can find my complete blog HERE. As I have written, I identified myself as an overweight guy who didn’t do much of anything. I went to work, I came home, and I was not social. I can’t identify myself in that way anymore because I’m more active and trying to be social. However, I am a baby when it comes to interacting with people. My weight used to hide me and give me an excuse to not have to deal with people. As another strategy to break out of my shell, I signed up with Meetup groups in the area. Several are for photography and a general social Meetup. My wife and I made reservations to go and see a play and have dinner with about 20 other people from Meetup. That should be interesting. I’m actually quite terrified of how to act and what to say. Thankfully, my wife is going to be there with me and she doesn’t have these hang-ups. I can lean on her quite a bit. For quite some time I’ve longed to have a group of guy friends. I watch movies like “The Hangover” or “Bachelor Party” and wish I had male friends that I can do things with like go to Vegas. I’d love to have a small but intimate group of guy friends to hang out, drink beer, eat chili dogs and cheese fries (burp!) and talk about whatever is on my mind. We could go out to see movies that my wife doesn’t want to see, play a little poker, car shows, chili cook-offs, fishing, paintball, you get the idea. All of those things guys like to do; I want to be able to do. I was telling this to my therapist who suggested I look on MeetUp. I found many groups for women but none for guys to just hang out and be guys. So, I created a group for guys. Because of my self-esteem issues I have very low expectations for the group. I didn’t think anyone would actually join the group but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try. I thought, “Oh well, I’ll create it and we’ll see what happens.” I paid for a group for 90 days because I figured that once this flopped, I wouldn’t be out a whole lot of money. Well, what happened is that I got 90 guys who signed up in just a few days. YIKES! So I guess this group might last a little longer than just three months. When I created my “low expectation” group, I also created a happy hour. I picked a date and time I was available but I figured that since nobody would sign up that it would be a moot point. Monday night it not idea for a happy hour but since nobody was going to show up, it was not that big of a deal. Within a couple of days, I had 15 men sign up for the happy hour. HOE. LEE. ****. I didn’t know I was filling such a void. Well crap, I guess that means I actually have to go and figure out where to have this thing. I really was expecting that no one would sign up for the Meetup, and no one would show up for the Happy Hour. These are the kinds of things that the old me, the 330 pound me, would have thought: “I’m not worth it, so therefore no one is going to sign up.” However, this is the kind of thing I need to change my attitude about. I AM worth it. I AM interesting. People SHOULD like me, and if they don’t I’ll just beat the living crap out of them until they change their mind. Sorry, I got carried away! Now, the Happy Hour is stressing me out because my wife is not going to be there. It’s going to be a bunch of guys I don’t know. It is all on me to make it a success. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to talk about. So we’ll have to see what happens. Anyway, that’s all the news that’s fit to print for today.

This week I lost three pounds and my therapist asked me how I felt about it. Anytime I lose a significant amount of weight I tend to get very anxious because I don’t know how to act. My body may have lost the weight but emotionally and mentally, I haven’t adjusted my way of thinking to this new, thinner person. I know a lot of people say, “Well, just because you lose weight doesn’t mean you’re a different person. You’re still the same person.” I actually beg to differ on that. I’ve transformed from a person who weighed 330 pounds to a 240 pound person. Before the weight loss I went to work, came home, sat on the couch, watched TV, ate dinner, played on the internet, and went to bed. That was the sum of my life. I could barely breathe sitting down, or even get dressed in the mornings. Now I’m participating in things I’d never be able to do if I was 330 lbs. I’ve been very active with my photography which requires a lot of energy to walk around for hours at a time. I’ve started weightlifting, kayaking, bicycling, and in general being very energetic. I have not only changed physically and have a lot more energy, but going from a sedentary life to an active one in just a matter of a few months requires a huge mental shift in the brain. Therefore, I am not the same person I was before. In my hermit like existence I was not social at all. I didn’t like talking to people and I kept to myself. Because of all this activity, I’m being forced out into situations beyond my comfort zone where I have to interact with people. Because of this weight loss I feel like I have broken out of a prison and like a freed prisoner, I want to experience everything life has to offer and everything I have missed out on all my life. This is why I am making an effort to become more active and even reach out to people for some social interaction. The problem is that psychologically, my brain has not caught up with all of this and that’s what’s really causing the anxiety. I am very socially awkward. I don’t know how to talk to people because I’ve never had to do it. I don’t know how to act or react when people talk to me. I feel as if I have no social skills whatsoever. I’m extremely shy and unable to hold a conversation or talk to someone in a social setting. I’m so shy and terrified that I wouldn’t go up to someone and start a conversation with them. When I meet people I am paralyzed to open my mouth for fear of saying something stupid, dumb, or uninteresting. I’m constantly wondering what negative thoughts the other person must be thinking of me. There are times I can be intelligent, interesting, and funny, but most of the time I think of myself as very dull. I guess all I can do is practice social skills by getting out there, into social situations. Meeting different people, meeting new people, and seeing how things go. Hence, it is torture to try to break out of my shell and venture out into the brave new world of humans.

I can't tolerate any carbonation. My doctor said not to drink it because the bubbles make your stomach expand. I don't know about all that. I just know that I felt really sick after just two sips.

The first 30 days are the hardest but it gets easier every day as your body heals and adjusts. Try drinking Premiere protein shake. The chocolate flavor is pretty good. Also look up blossom foods and buy some puréed meals. They are high protein low calorie and just enough to fill you up. Feel free to read my blog to get a sense of what to expect. We have all been where you are. Drop me a note if you need more support.

What you are feeling is NORMAL. We ALL felt this way after our first week. Below is a link to a blog entry I wrote just 1 week after my surgery. It's called Buyer's Remorse: http://jfabulous43.wordpress.com/2012/02/18/buyers-remorse/ I hope it helps you realize that you are no different. This feeling does go away about as fast as it came. I have not regretted my decision since! If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at jfabulous43@gmail.com.