Marisa46

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

The surgery itself went well; unfortunately, I was held hostage until I could pee on my own
 
My surgery was at 10:30 AM Monday. Really the pain was light and I was only dimly aware of the pain from the incisions in the recovery room. What bothered me in recovery was a very sore throat and dry mouth; the nurses on Dr on staff made sure that I was given something to help me with it right away. I didn't get transfered to the floor until late (around 9:30 PM ). Walking was easy, I took a walk around the recovery room and then later before I went to sleep I took a spin around the bariatric ward. It was easier each time I walked, but I did take the wrong corner on my Tuesday morning walk and met a number of office workers. Poor people I was not a pretty sight!
 
I experienced a problem with the iv drip on the bariatric ward. Unlike the recovery room, the bariatric ward combines the pain killer and the fluids with one drip. I did have a hard time with the dual iv-it made my fingers swell and the pain killers didn't numb that pain. My night nurse was sympathetic and helped me by switching the iv to another hand. My day nurse was another story (I swear why do people who lack empathy go into medicine?) I was part of the Nurse Cynthia show! I'll stop right there because I'm praying for an answer about how to handle her. But in a nutshell, I had had my swallow test and had passed i; I don't know why she waited to get permission to get the iv taken out; I was in pain for hours longer than I needed to be and it wasn't because she couldn't find a doctor. Being on fluids and the iv just made matters worse. By the time she finally asked the Dr on duty my hands had swollen to the point where I couldn't hold my cell.The more liquid that went in me the bigger my hands got.
 
Once the iv was out and I was only on the fluids the swelling in my hands gradually went down. Everytime, I eliminated the swelling got better although it did take over 24 hours. My hands were not normal until around 7PM. That's the one thing I hadn't read about on the site; all of my experience (except wicked Cynthia) were described by someone else. So maybe my sharing will help a future sleever.
 
I'm on percocet at home; it works fine, but I'm determined to only take it at night. I have a huge fear of being adicted so I can't wait until I pour the pills in the toilet. I praise God for a successful procedure and I look forward to getting stronger each day. Cheers!

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

OK, it has been 20 days since my surgery (REALLY???!!!!) My physical problems have been minor issues that develop when I DON'T follow the rules (i.e. although you may with effort make any food mushy, it's best not to push the envelope too far).
 
My primary problems are all in my head. I'm not hungry even though I average maybe 650 calories a day. I don't have a taste for anything now that the liquid stage is over and I'm on soft foods. I'm grateful for not being physically hungry and not having cravings; however, I have a huge problem with trying to find something else besides food to comfort me.
 
The last week has been hectic. I am on the east coast (DC suburbs) and the violent storm that came through our area made for a couple of challenging days. I'm not complaining about the storm because I was extremely fortunate to get my power (air conditioning) back on so soon. But I also had to offer aid to family who weren't so lucky. Then when the fallout from the storm seemed to be taken care of my nephew who lives with me was in a car accident and taken to the county hospital emergency room. Then one day later my brother had to have emergency surgery.
 
I'm not going to go on about any of these incidents simply because we all have problems and we all have to learn how to cope successfully with our problems. Unfortunately, my coping mechanism has always been food so not being able to stuff my face has made me more anxious.
 
I did worry about not being able to use food as a coping mechanism before the surgery and I can honestly say I was right to worry; however, I was worring about the wrong thing. I worried that I would make myself sick (literally hurt myself) by stuffing my face in a crisis. I'm not saying that I have been following my nutrition guidelines faithfully or that I am not tempted to start chomping on doritos, chocolate, or whatever. When I think of stuffing my face, I automatically think that stuffing myself is going to make me hurt. I hate pain.
 
Fortunately, at this point, I may be safe from damaging myself after being sleeved. Unfortunately, my problem is more subtle and a lot harder to explain. I think not being able to stuff my face is contributing to my depression. I just feel so sad when I think about my family's problems, the world's problems, my cat's problems... I 'm not saying that being sleeved is making me sadder. I'm admitting that even after over a year of therapy about why I eat I haven't developed an adequate substitute for eating to bury my emotions.
 
While I have been writing this blog entry a thought crept into my mind. I should change the title. I don't miss food. The great thing about being sleeved and being blessed with an easy recovery is that I haven't been deprived of anything after the surgery. My surgeon's nutrition guidelines are very generous compared to other practices. What I miss is using food as an antidote to sadness.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I won't lie to anyone it is hard work trying to live with out food as my crutch and sometimes (even with the surgery) I fall short of my ideal behavior when it comes to food. There are people who have told me that I've taken the easy way out. I disagree with them but I don't waste my breath arguing with them anymore. Even with the surgery I still have to closely monitor what I eat and be more active. The surgery has given me the help I need to lose weight but it doesn't mean that I woke up from the surgery cured of my old bad food habits. But I manage my eating much better. I'm encouraged that I'm moving closer to where I want to be. Good things that have happened to me since my surgery:
I can walk to my car without having to stop and take a breath
I'm not in constant pain because of my knees
I have given away over 10 bags of clothes that are way too big for me--I'm down 4 sizes so far
People sit next to me on the train (I used to feel so guilty taking up two seats when the train was crowded)
I cooked dinner at thanksgiving and it didn't wear me out --being on my feet for a few hours easy peasy
I look in the mirror and I recognize myself!
I do have a figure(my waist line is returning)
my bath sheets wrap around me there's no big gap!
there is really cute lingerie in my size
Oh my doctors have taken me off a couple of my meds
I realize I can only eat so much so I visually measure out a cup of food and that's my meal

There's a lot of little things but mainly I'm just thankful that I was able to do this surgery. I'm grateful that my insurance covered it and I'm grateful that I chose the right program. I feel really blessed by the whole experience problems and all.

I'm not near goal. I'm well on my way though. About the halfway point. I have dropped 17 points from my BMI. I drop another 17 points and I'll be extremely happy I'm pretty happy now, don't get me wrong - I keep seeing progress. I know I need to get busier with exercise and I am actually - I do a ton more now. Workout regimen is coming together and will be put into action. My back is feeling so much better. Between the intolerable heat and my busy schedule, I wasn't able to really do too much as far as actual "workouts" but hiking in the mountains and running all over the place, shopping, cleaning, taking the dogs for walks, and playing outside has really increased my activity levels

OK, it has been 20 days since my surgery (REALLY???!!!!) My physical problems have been minor issues that develop when I DON'T follow the rules (i.e. although you may with effort make any food mushy, it's best not to push the envelope too far).
 
My primary problems are all in my head. I'm not hungry even though I average maybe 650 calories a day. I don't have a taste for anything now that the liquid stage is over and I'm on soft foods. I'm grateful for not being physically hungry and not having cravings; however, I have a huge problem with trying to find something else besides food to comfort me.
 
The last week has been hectic. I am on the east coast (DC suburbs) and the violent storm that came through our area made for a couple of challenging days. I'm not complaining about the storm because I was extremely fortunate to get my power (air conditioning) back on so soon. But I also had to offer aid to family who weren't so lucky. Then when the fallout from the storm seemed to be taken care of my nephew who lives with me was in a car accident and taken to the county hospital emergency room. Then one day later my brother had to have emergency surgery.
 
I'm not going to go on about any of these incidents simply because we all have problems and we all have to learn how to cope successfully with our problems. Unfortunately, my coping mechanism has always been food so not being able to stuff my face has made me more anxious.
 
I did worry about not being able to use food as a coping mechanism before the surgery and I can honestly say I was right to worry; however, I was worring about the wrong thing. I worried that I would make myself sick (literally hurt myself) by stuffing my face in a crisis. I'm not saying that I have been following my nutrition guidelines faithfully or that I am not tempted to start chomping on doritos, chocolate, or whatever. When I think of stuffing my face, I automatically think that stuffing myself is going to make me hurt. I hate pain.
 
Fortunately, at this point, I may be safe from damaging myself after being sleeved. Unfortunately, my problem is more subtle and a lot harder to explain. I think not being able to stuff my face is contributing to my depression. I just feel so sad when I think about my family's problems, the world's problems, my cat's problems... I 'm not saying that being sleeved is making me sadder. I'm admitting that even after over a year of therapy about why I eat I haven't developed an adequate substitute for eating to bury my emotions.
 
While I have been writing this blog entry a thought crept into my mind. I should change the title. I don't miss food. The great thing about being sleeved and being blessed with an easy recovery is that I haven't been deprived of anything after the surgery. My surgeon's nutrition guidelines are very generous compared to other practices. What I miss is using food as an antidote to sadness.

4th week post-op visit went well, my weight was 235 lbs, heaviest at 269 lbs. So far I have lost 16 lbs since surgery and a total of 34 lbs from my first pre-op visit. I'm finally feeling less nauseated, have begun eating soft foods, am walking each day and am infection free. Emotions are up and down, but more up than down compared to the firs 3 weeks so that's progress I'll take. The best thing that happened was finding out my jeans were loose and wearing a shirt that didn't fit last month!

This is actually the first day that I've been aprehensive and scared about having the surgery. It's strange but there it is. I asked myself if I wanted to call it off. My answer to myself from my heart was that I won't live my life without. Honestly, I feel like all of this fat is burying me. I don't want to live my life in bed and that seems to be where I'm headed if I don't have the surgery. I know I'm going to have physical pain. I know that my emotions are probably going to see saw. I know that the alternative to the surgery is much worse than the pain. I expect the pain to be gone in a few weeks. I place myself in my Lord's hands; I know that the surgery is the right choice and it's just the prospect of pain that frightens me. I know that I'm not going to walk this path alone. I am thankful for God's grace.
 
Robin a friend sent me this prayer. Saying it gives me such a sense of peace. I'd like to share it:
 
Father, we come in the name of our Savior Jesus the Christ, first of all to thank you for this beautiful day that you have made that we will rejoice and be glad in. Thank you for being an all powerful, ever present, all knowing God who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can think or ask. Thank you also for being a God who heals and delivers. Father we ask that right now you would touch my body with your healing hands and that your healing power would be at work before during and after my surgery. We ask that you would begin to prepare my body for the upcoming surgery even now. Father, we ask that you would give me your peace, your calm, your comfort, and your assurance. We ask that you would even now begin to regulate my bodily functions so that all will be well and in working order during the procedure. We ask that you begin to prepare the surgeons, nurses, anesthesiologists, and every medical professional who will contribute to her care on Monday. Give them clarity of thought. Please bring all of the necessary medical knowledge to their remembrance so that they will know exactly what to do during my procedure. Please let my recovery be a smooth and uncomplicated one. May I be back on myfeet in no time and be ready to continue taking on the world and honoring you with my life. God, we thank you that you are a faithful God who hears and answers prayers and we’re believing for all the best for Monday. We love you and we honor you. In Jesus’ name we pray and thank you. Amen.

This is actually the first day that I've been aprehensive and scared about having the surgery. It's strange but there it is. I asked myself if I wanted to call it off. My answer to myself from my heart was that I won't live my life without. Honestly, I feel like all of this fat is burying me. I don't want to live my life in bed and that seems to be where I'm headed if I don't have the surgery. I know I'm going to have physical pain. I know that my emotions are probably going to see saw. I know that the alternative to the surgery is much worse than the pain. I expect the pain to be gone in a few weeks. I place myself in my Lord's hands; I know that the surgery is the right choice and it's just the prospect of pain that frightens me. I know that I'm not going to walk this path alone. I am thankful for God's grace.
 
Robin a friend sent me this prayer. Saying it gives me such a sense of peace. I'd like to share it:
 
Father, we come in the name of our Savior Jesus the Christ, first of all to thank you for this beautiful day that you have made that we will rejoice and be glad in. Thank you for being an all powerful, ever present, all knowing God who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can think or ask. Thank you also for being a God who heals and delivers. Father we ask that right now you would touch my body with your healing hands and that your healing power would be at work before during and after my surgery. We ask that you would begin to prepare my body for the upcoming surgery even now. Father, we ask that you would give me your peace, your calm, your comfort, and your assurance. We ask that you would even now begin to regulate my bodily functions so that all will be well and in working order during the procedure. We ask that you begin to prepare the surgeons, nurses, anesthesiologists, and every medical professional who will contribute to her care on Monday. Give them clarity of thought. Please bring all of the necessary medical knowledge to their remembrance so that they will know exactly what to do during my procedure. Please let my recovery be a smooth and uncomplicated one. May I be back on myfeet in no time and be ready to continue taking on the world and honoring you with my life. God, we thank you that you are a faithful God who hears and answers prayers and we’re believing for all the best for Monday. We love you and we honor you. In Jesus’ name we pray and thank you. Amen.

OK, my surgery is Monday the 18th! 3 days away! I'm excited and tired right now. I keep wanting to have a farewell to food party, but I'm much better off doing what I'm supposed to.
 
Am I prepared? Yes and no. I am prepared to have the surgery and I have no second thoughts about whether having the surgery is a good idea. But my surgery date came so quick, I don't think I'm completely prepared for post surgery. One of my faults is I don't like to wing it. Fortunately, the program at UMMC provides an instruction manual. The manual includes a checklist of items that are helpful or necessary after the surgery.
 
It's so hard to believe the date is really so close! All of the work getting to this point makes me smile now. I can't wait for Monday!

So the past 10 days have been quite crazy. My partner of 12 1/2 years dropped the bomb on me last Sunday that he is thinking of leaving. What?!!? Are you crazy? I'm just about to start my 3rd and final year of grad school, an internship on top of my full-time job, and I'm having surgery in 3 weeks. Coulld you pick a worse time? Needless to say, I was a bit of a wreck that day. Since then, we have done a lot of talking, and are going to try to work it out. That, however, is not the best news.
 
In the past, I have been very dependant on my relationships, including this one. The thought of being left alone was terrifying to me, and I would give anything to keep the relationship going. Last week, I felt a little desperation in the day, but then I started seriously thinking about what I would do. It's funny, I wasn't trying to let practicality override love, but, really, I had school and internship starting soon, and this surgery. I never once considered quitting school or canceling the surgery, which I would have done a few years ago. I quietly figured out how I would do on my own. I came to the conclusion that I would be ok. I'm so proud of that, and it has really made me realize that I will be ok with this surgery too. I have become a strong person who can take care of herself! What a good feeling. Now I just need to triumph over food and I will be unstoppable =)
 
P.S. Started my pre-surgery shake diet today. So hungry. I know it will get better. 13 days...
 

I had my first psycho therapy session in over a month. I usually schedule the sessions on Wednesday afternoons because I telecommute that day. Unfortunately scheduling conflicts occured with all of the pre surgery doctor visits. I'm wondering now if one of the reasons that I am so down these days is that I haven't talked through my issues.
 
I honestly think exploring why and how I eat was a very good decision on my part. My therapist has had WLS fairly recently so she can understand when I talk about my fear of not losing weight, or my fear that I won't be able to hide behind my weight anymore. She also tries to understand when I talk about being afraid that my depression will sabatoge the surgery.
 
I have not been very social in the last few months; I go out once in a while with friends but my regular week day is like this: Wake up; shower etc, commute, work, commute, lie in bed when I get home. I don't know how to get out of this dark mood and be myself again. Clinical depression sucks. It sucks because nothing is funny or fun anymore and petty annoyances (a boss who feels that talking to me is intimidating) and 'real life issues' (like my mother's dementia and my father just being himself) are not improving. One of the reasons that I am having this surgery is that I want to get out more. It's embarassing but execising hurts now. Exercise used to make me feel good.
 
I pray and I pray. I do feel better. I feel relieved and calm when I pray and I can stop myself from stuffing my face. It's funny I turned to food for comfort but the comfort is never there. I hate myself for overeating and I'm physically miserable when I'm stuffed. I realize that I can be my own enemy in choosing to do something that harms me in different ways.
 
One day at a time; each day as it's own. I remember that God loves me and I smile on the inside too.

Wednesday will be the one month anniversary of being sleeved....what a wild, crazy trip it's been! As of yesterday, I am 30lbs down from the weight I was on sleeve day, which is pretty damn good given the circumstances.
 
I still have abdominal edema from my portal vein clot, which is making clothing an interesting proposition. I can now barely button pants I wore pre-op, but the thighs and butt are loose...it's just that pesky abdomen full of fluid! I appear to have also lost some breast tissue, which is an annoyance. I have a job interview today and tried on my normal interview dress: almost too tight in the middle, hanging odd on the top ( I don't fill it out at well!). Makes me look like pregnant potato, but it will have to suffice.
 
Food has been a hot topic this week. For 8 days, I hung out between 269-270lbs on the scale. Then two nights ago, we were at the movies and I broke down and tried popcorn...and found that Cthulu Jr likes it....a lot! All told I had about 1/2 a cup over a period of 2 hours. But the odd part was, in the past I would not have been discerning. I would have eaten any old kernel that ended up my hand. This time, I found myself hunting through the bag for those perfect salty, buttery, seasoned, puffy pieces - and rejecting any other imperfect tidbits. Very satisfying. Next morning I get on the scale....and bam! 266. Excellent.
 
Today I had one thick, perfect piece of Boars Head Mesquite Turkey Breast lunch meat....delicious. CJ found this palatable as well. Yesterday I had a single saltine cracker with my chili at lunch, and it added that crunch that I had been craving. Not the best nutritionally, but it has forstalled my decent into total insanity for yet another week.
 
This time last week, I remarked to my dear husband that I was afraid to try new foods. I was pretty much stuck with tuna, chili (blended), mashed potato, and refried beans. But I finally realized that I can't live like that forever and I had to move past my fear.
 
Relearning how to eat has been scary. I don't want to be that woman who at 6 months post-op is back to eating a ton of junk. But I am one of those people who had this surgery not so I could live my life on terrible tasting synthetic protein foods...but so I could live as a 'normal' person. So I could eat sensibly 90% of the time, but still nibble on a sliver of cake at my best friend's wedding, or have the occasional bite of a Cinnabon. Today has been the first day since April 16th that I have not regretted this surgery.
 
I am hoping that the days that follow are much the same.

One key stroke and I lost everything I wrote! I forgot to save as I was typing. Oh well, I was just explaining how I realize that today I may be drinking my last coca-cola forever. I only drink cokes when things rub me the wrong way at work (it's the equivalent of the old 3 martini lunch for me)
 
Fortunately, this doesn't happen often. I haven't had a coke since January. Now, unless I'm going to start going through a rough patch at work I may (cross my fingers) be sleeved by my next bad day! Coke is going to be out of the question. Nursing my problems with food and drink are a thing of the past. I have to figure out satisfying ways that comfort me but that do not involve food.
 
I've done a lot of work on why I eat and recognizing how I sabotage myself but I've never been able to substitute walks, lipsticks, etc for food. Things change and I am designating this drink as my last coke no matter what. Once I have my date, I will follow every damn rule I'm given and that means no carbonation. So I might as well start now, I know I wont be perfect but I'm going to try.
 
So, I raise my can to say goodbye to Coca-Cola, we had a good run! Maybe I'll suck on a lemon next time I'm mad with the world like I did when I was a kid...

One key stroke and I lost everything I wrote! I forgot to save as I was typing. Oh well, I was just explaining how I realize that today I may be drinking my last coca-cola forever. I only drink cokes when things rub me the wrong way at work (it's the equivalent of the old 3 martini lunch for me)
 
Fortunately, this doesn't happen often. I haven't had a coke since January. Now, unless I'm going to start going through a rough patch at work I may (cross my fingers) be sleeved by my next bad day! Coke is going to be out of the question. Nursing my problems with food and drink are a thing of the past. I have to figure out satisfying ways that comfort me but that do not involve food.
 
I've done a lot of work on why I eat and recognizing how I sabotage myself but I've never been able to substitute walks, lipsticks, etc for food. Things change and I am designating this drink as my last coke no matter what. Once I have my date, I will follow every damn rule I'm given and that means no carbonation. So I might as well start now, I know I wont be perfect but I'm going to try.
 
So, I raise my can to say goodbye to Coca-Cola, we had a good run! Maybe I'll suck on a lemon next time I'm mad with the world like I did when I was a kid...

One key stroke and I lost everything I wrote! I forgot to save as I was typing. Oh well, I was just explaining how I realize that today I may be drinking my last coca-cola forever. I only drink cokes when things rub me the wrong way at work (it's the equivalent of the old 3 martini lunch for me)
 
Fortunately, this doesn't happen often. I haven't had a coke since January. Now, unless I'm going to start going through a rough patch at work I may (cross my fingers) be sleeved by my next bad day! Coke is going to be out of the question. Nursing my problems with food and drink are a thing of the past. I have to figure out satisfying ways that comfort me but that do not involve food.
 
I've done a lot of work on why I eat and recognizing how I sabotage myself but I've never been able to substitute walks, lipsticks, etc for food. Things change and I am designating this drink as my last coke no matter what. Once I have my date, I will follow every damn rule I'm given and that means no carbonation. So I might as well start now, I know I wont be perfect but I'm going to try.
 
So, I raise my can to say goodbye to Coca-Cola, we had a good run! Maybe I'll suck on a lemon next time I'm mad with the world like I did when I was a kid...