Spatters3

I have the greatest NSV news ever! I got the results of my first labs post-op and my triglycerides went down from a whopping (for me- I know I wasn't the worst) 298 high risk to a normal range 98!!! My overall cholesterol count is now 178, down from 260. My LDL And HDL have also vastly improved. I was so happy I thought I might just float away!
 
The last time those numbers were in the healthy range for me was in 1998, so you can understand my excitement If I ever had any doubts about having the sleeve, it would be because "what if my cholesterol stays the same? Will it be worth the risks just to come out of it with the same CHD risk factor?" Now I have my answer! If I never lose another pound, another inch or get back any discernable muscle tone, it has officially all been worth it to have been sleeved.
 
I was 3 months out on August 6th: I am now 186 lbs and bought my first pair of size 14 pants yesterday. My bra size has decreased from 44DDD to 38DD and shirt size down from 2X to XL.
 
Thanks to my sister for suggesting I look into the sleeve option and to Dr. Snyder for giving me this opportunity for better health and a longer life! Love to my sweet husband, family, friends and coworkers who have been positive and awesomely supportive from day one. I am truly blessed.
 
I am sending out positive vibes to all my current and future sleeve sisters and brothers for success in your personal journeys, as well! Don't worry about speed, just stay focused on progress - no matter how incremental - and stay positive~
 
HappyCat xxx

Me: Im sorry doctor u must have the wrong # Doc: Mrs. White, 07/15/83 Me: Yes Doc: yes maam, we have ur blood test results back & u r pregnant..whn was ur last cycle Me: 1 1/2 yrs ago...pregnant the doctors told me that I would NEVER be able 2 have kids again Doc: well God didnt see it that way, u need 2 make an appointment asap so we can see how far along u are, have a good day Mrs. White & Congratulations. I hung up that phone & I thought how can I bring another baby in2 all of this drama. So I went in the room & woke Josh up, I told him wht the doctor told me & this clown jumped up & said, "Ima be a daddy, I love u & we are going 2 make this work..this is our miracle baby!" I looked at him, I was very shocked because we were not in the best place in our marriage & foolish me thinkin maybe this will fix everything, I couldnt be more wrong. Went 2 the doctor & I was already 4months. A few weeks passed & I told my mom about it & she was not excited at all because she said if ur husband loved u he would provide for yall instead of sitting at home everyday waiting on u 2 do it, now here u are pregnant again, what are you going 2 do? I got so mad with her because I was thinkin, I need ur support not ur criticism but hey thats moma so I just said yes maam & we hung up. When I turned 2 months, the doctors diagnosed me as high risk & put me on complete bed rest, so of course that meant I had 2 stop working. Josh, not working as usual said, "maybe we should just move back home with our parents." I said, "if we do we wont make it, because my mom wont let u come 2 her house so we will be seperated" that was right up his alley 2 not have 2 be with his family & able 2 do whatever he wanted 2 do. Anyway, we moved..oh & his mom lived on the next street from my mom so it wasnt like we were far apart. When Josh moved in with his mom he got a job at an emergency shelter for runaway kids, 1 of my friends got him on up there. He started workin, so he had the car all the time & I was in my mother's dinning room sleeping on the couch EVERY night while he was "working". Well 1 day my friend called me & said, "I need 2 tell u something, Josh is tlking 2 1 of the women up here, I already told her that he was married but Im just giving u the heads up." Clearly, that is 1 of the most embarrassing things 2 hear from a friend & the bad part was u would think that since MY friend got him on that he would be on his best behavior since he knew me & her tlked ALL the time...smh. He barely came around 2 my moms house 2 see me & the baby, my moms dinning room is down stairs by the kitchen, when everybody was sleep I would cook meals for myself & go right back 2 that couch & cry myself 2 sleep EVERY night. I felt like he didnt really want this baby & it was causing more problems than we already had. 1 day I had a doctors appointment & I had 2 get an EKG & heart ultrasound...the technician asked me, "Mrs. White have u ever had a heart attack?" I said, "no! why?" He said u have scars on ur heart that shows signs of a heart attack they are called infarts" I said, "I dont think so, I never went 2 the hospital with that kinda problem" He said, Mrs. White I beleive u had a heart attack & didnt know it, u are only 24 yrs old this should not be on ur heart at all." I started 2 cry because he was right, I had taken so much pain, hurt, drama, lies, & STRESS from this marriage that it was literally killing me. A few months later, my family gave me a baby shower which Josh did not show up 2 because he said my family does not like him so why would he come & be all in their faces. I told him they dont like because of those reasons right there, keep in my I NEVER told anybody in my family about the cheating & fighting that went on all this time. After the baby shower, he told me he was tired of me whinning & complaining all the time & he was done with me. Of course being 8 months pregnant I was completely emotional & I begged him 2 stay with me atleast until after the baby was born & if he wanted 2 be done after that then fine, he agreed. The doctors, called me in 2 talk about delivery they told me that it was extremely risky 2 deliver me by c-section becuase I was so over weight & that none of the doctors would try 2 save me in an emergency situation & I was like so u would just let me die? She said, "ur just too big", that hurt me so bad & again I was thinking this baby is causing so many problems. On October 22, 2008 my mother's bday..my mom, Josh & I went 2 the hosptial for the c-section...he was acting so stupid, he didnt want 2 ride with my mom, he didnt sit with us when we got there, he kept leaving 2 go outside while we waited and of course my mom was pissed. Around 10 am they took me in the back 2 be preped & Josh came with, when the nurses left the room he reminded me that after I have the baby that we were done..I started crying & I just remember this feeling of failure & defeat all the things that I excepted thru this marriage & he's the 1 saying he's done with me. I was wheeled 2 the O.R. I had another healthy baby boy, but this time since I was so heavy the epidural didnt work so they put me 2 sleep. They tried so much medicine that it took me 6 hrs 2 wake up. Once I was in the room & the baby was there my mom said, "she was going home & takin my oldest son with her", I said, "ok see u later, I'm fine"...when she left, Josh started leaving the room like every hr, now for this c-section I got cut on top of my stomach so I could barely move. The baby started crying & I couldnt even get up 2 pick him up, so he cried unitl the nurse came in or until Josh decided 2 come back in the room. The last time Josh came back, he said, "I'm about 2 go, my ride out there 2 get me & I have 2 work 2night anyway so, call ur moma 2 come back up here cuz I'm out." I said, "who coming 2 get u" he said, "thats no longer ur business, its over." I said, "but Josh" he said, "man look I dont want 2 hear all that crying its over" & he left. The next few days in the hosp was so hard because I couldnt barely move but I pushed my way thru it so I could go home. On the last day, I called my mom & told her that we were being discharged & could she come get us, she said, "yes, I'm going 2 send Josh in my truck." I wanted 2 tell her about what happened but I kept it 2 myself as usual. He walked in the room about a hr later, he grabbed all the baby stuff & the baby, told me 2 come on & at the time I was walkin bent over with a pillow in front of me because I was hurting so bad. The nurse told him 2 push me in a wheel chair & he did, he pushed me 2 the car & didnt even help me get in. On the way home, I asked him 2 please dont hit the bumps hard because it hurts my stomach & he said, "stop being dramatic"..I knew then that this BOY never loved me. When we got 2 my moms house, I had 2 go upstairs so I could be in an actual bed with the baby plus I had a serious cut the couch wasnt good enough. My mom has 16 stairs & each stair I went up felt like I was being ripped apart, I cried like a baby tryin 2 make it up there & Josh just stood behind me like it he really didnt care. I got upstairs, sat on the bed he put the baby down & he left. I cried until I was out of tears 2 cry. I remember later that day, I was upstairs with the baby...my moma, sister, aunt were all down stairs & I tried 2 lay down, I had staples at the time...& I could not lay all the way down but I couldnt get back up...I was in so much pain, I knew I was about 2 die it hurt that bad. I couldnt scream so I called Josh, who is right around the corner & I asked him 2 please come help me he said," man why u called me, u need 2 call ur moma she there" & he hung up. I called my moma & she came 2 help me but I couldnt believe that he was really doing ME like this. He came 2 see the baby every now & then, he told me that he quit that job the night he left the hosp, I asked him why didnt u come back & he said for what? A few weeks past by & he came over 2 see us & he said, "we need 2 get out of our parents house & try 2 fix our marriage & if it doesnt work this time we need 2 just let it go for real", me with my stupid self..didnt think about how we both not working, didnt think about all the things he done 2 me up until this point & I said, "ok, I will find us a place this week." smh so stupid. We moved, & things were the EXACT same. I noticed that I wasnt as involved with the new baby as I was with my other son & actually I felt kinda funny around him...I didnt want 2 hold him, feed him, change his pamper..something was wrong. One night we went 2 an anniversary party at him moms house & it was a few ppl there, 2 girls walked in that I didnt know & they were there with his moms best friend...I didnt think anything of it. Well maybe a few weeks later, I seen a strange # in his phone so I called it & sure enough it was 1 of the girls from the party. So, after all of this we are back where we started again. Upon further investigation of his phone, I found out that he was bck talkin 2 Keisha a girl named Keturah & the girl from the party. I had enough yall this was so old. One night in the truck, I was in the back seat with the baby who was then 1 month & he was crying & crying & crying...I just opened the door, got out & started walkin the other way. Josh, drove behind me & told me 2 get in the car, I said, "I cant handle this, every since that baby was born its been problem after problem" but in reality there was ALWAYS problems I just somehow laid all the blame on that poor baby. My mom made me a doctors appointment & they diagnosed me with post partum depression & said, "I didnt need 2 be alone with the baby." We went back home & my moma told Josh, he said ok but that didnt stop him, he told me, "if I did anything 2 his baby he was going 2 kill me." A few weeks passed, & I was taking my cousin around 2 find apartments..while in the parking lot of Kroger's a guy came up 2 the truck & said, "hi beautiful, get a pen" I said, "for what?" he said, "so u can take down my #" I said, "excuse me, I'm married (so stupid)" he said, "ok im sorry but let me give u my # anyway in case u change ur mind" he wrote his # down on some paper & put it on the windsheild & he said, "talk 2 u later" I rolled my eyes & I was thinkin he sure is bold...lol. When my cousin came out of the store I asked her 2 get the # after I looked around 2 make sure he was gone..lol. I figured Im not goin 2 call him but I'll just hold on 2 it. 2 weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night because the baby was crying. I called for Josh so he could get the baby but no answer back, I got up walked past the baby crying in the crib & looked around the house, there was no Josh. I got my phone 2 call him & it was 4 am, so I called him & he didnt answer, I called that phone about 15 times & finally he answer only 2 say 1 of his friends had a blow out so he went 2 help them bullshit. Anyway, I gave the baby a bottle & he come strolling in the house at 6...I was up gettin our son ready 4 school & as soon as he feel asleep, I was out the door. That day,I was at my moms house..she told me that she was goin somewhere & she wasnt taking my baby with her & that I needed 2 get over whatever was wrong with me & be that baby's mother then she left. While I sat there, I was looking thru my purse for something & came across the Kroger's dude #, during this time the baby started crying..I just looked at him for about 5 mins..then I picked him up & he looked at me with those big brown eyes & i feel in love with my baby...whatever was wrong with me was gone in an instant. I cried & held him so tight, I told him how sorry I was & that I promise 2 be his mother from now on. I couldnt believe that I let 2 months pass by & I didnt hold this baby, whip his tears, nothing..but whoever I was before just left at that moment. I picked up my phone & I called the Kroger's dude, it rung & rung then he answered & said," hello" I said, "hi" & he said, "I knew u would call!" TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my baby

I've finally completed all of my insurance req's and am now awaiting approval. Since I've completed my requirements I guess this entire process has become really 'real' to me and it scared me. I kept asking myself if I really NEEDED this surgery...why couldn't I lose wieght on my own? Am I being lazy and taking the easy way out? Is it worth putting myself under the knife and having major surgery when I'm already too lazy to eat right and exercise? Am I wasting my family's money by having surgery? etc, etc, etc.
Well tonight my sweet 5 year old ittle girl innocently made a statement that first broke my heart and then made me realize without a doubt this surgery is the right thing for me.
We were driving home and she asked what would happen if I started to drown (We have a pool and swim a lot. I used to teach swim lessons and water safety, so water safety is REALLY important to me). I said, "Well, if I was truly drowning and couldn't get out, hopefully someone would help me out of the water." She replied (Here's where my heart broke...) "But Mommy, you're so big. How would they be able to pull you out? You're too heavy." And THEN she tried to backtrack...that broke my heart even more. She shouldn't have to worry about what she says to me and if it hurts my feelings. She shouldn't have to try to change what she said to make me feel better - - she's FIVE!
AND THAT DID IT FOLKS. I almost broke down in tears right there in my car. I can hide from cameras, I can hide from the mirror. I can ignore the fact that my clothes are too tight I can hardly zip my pants. I can look past my double chin. I can choose to not look at my stretch marks. I can ignore being breathless just from walking from my car to my house. I can not pay attention to the fact that I now have to undo my top button to my jeans when sitting at my desk because it is digging in to my stomach. I can pop another blood pressure pill and ignore my high blood pressure...
But I cannot ignore the fact that my kids notice I'm overweight and that kills me. I guess up until then I knew I was wayyyyy too heavy but since no one else would address it I could go on my merry-way and ignore it. But there's no ignoring it anymore. I have to do something more powerful than myself so that I can stop living a hollow life and stop living in the shadows, hoping no one addresses the fact that I am unhealthy. The heck with the fact that I am so unattractive anymore, I am unhealthy and am not the role model that my kids deserve.
So I'm having this surgery.
I don't care how it happens, I need this surgery. I need to lose weight. I need to get healthy. I need to start caring about myself. I need to start caring about my family and their future - - with ME in it.

4/22/13 : Time to start a new blog. One without chemo or radiation or surgery :-) It feels like it has been a long time since February 11 but it's not even May yet. Spring has sprung here in the bluegrass and it's such a balm for my spirit. Life abounds! I have been busy living - my strength is back, I'm even doing a bit of morning stretches and more walking. I'm soooo out of shape! I also haven't lost any weight in a few months but I know how to make it happen. I have to stop eating the goodies at night with the kids, unless it's a protein snack. We're planning on driving down to Florida in Julyl to see my family. Need to find a house to rent (with a pool!) that isn't a ridiculous price. I was going to drive down by myself but realized that my husband just couldn't handle the kids on his own for a week. He is 70 and just can't do it anymore. I am 56 and *I* can't do it anymore either! hahahaha oh well, together we manage.
 
7/26/13 : Right before we were to leave for Florida (what a fabulous 2 weeks!) I had a sonogram from my primary care physician because I had a pain under my right rib cage. He called me that evening and told me I have gallstones for sure but that there was what looks like a lesion on my liver that he was concerned about. I was scheduled for my post-cancer MRI the following Tuesday so I mentioned that to the oncologist. Right after getting the MRI, the oncologist was able to review the results and her verdict is that I have a tumor growing between the top of my liver and my diaphragm (which is why it hurts when I yawn or take a deep breath) and it is in the worst place possible and is inoperable. We both cried a little and she said she would talk with the radiologist about perhaps using targeted radiation to shrink it. So what did I do ? Heck, I went on a 2 week vacation to the gulf side of Florida :-) Had quite the time, although I did slip and fall on my right leg (water + tile = hazard). After the fall, my entire right leg started swelling and it hurt. Didn't stop me from having fun with my family. When I got back home I told the oncologist about it, just in passing, and she ordered a "doppler" (I guess it's just a sonogram) and the vein specialist found that I have massive amounts of blood clots in my right thigh. Now I have to inject myself twice daily with blood thinners (lovenox) and in 5 days start taking cumadin and keep my feet elevated all day long. The doc said I am very fortunate that I am not dead. See ? Cancer is NOT going to kill me... something stupid like a blood clot is going to get me ! hahahaha Anyhow, I have an appointment next Tuesday with the radiologist. We'll see what she can do and if that doesn't work, I will find someone who does know how to remove this "inoperable" tumor. I am fully prepared to die just not right now. God is good all the time.
 
8/21/13 : The results of the 2nd opinion I got at the Markey Cancer Center at University of KY yesterday weren’t good. My case was reviewed by a panel of cancer researchers and surgeons (among the best in the country, I hear). The large tumor on my liver is not alone – I have many tumors growing in my abdomen. So, there will be no surgery and no cyber knife radiation. The liver specialist at UK is going to discuss what kind of chemo would work on this type of cancer with my oncologist (he even told me congratulations on having such a rare and aggressive cancer) but that would just be to slow their growth. I’m not sure I am going to do chemo. If I could make this all go away, I would.
 
I am very thankful I have had all this extra time to get everything in order.

I've had the past four days off of work to go back to my hometown for my mom and grandpa's joint birthday party. It was awesome as I haven't seen some of my family members in 6 months and they were all shocked at how I look. Okay, so here is my deep, dark secret. I've always kinda envied those women who are small and delicate looking (yet a total steel magnolia underneath!) but at 5'5 and within spitting distance of 300 pounds THAT wasn't a term applied to me. The best I could hope for was that I had a pretty face, or nice eyes or hair. Underwhelming since I always knew they were tacking on the "too bad you're so big". *rolls eyes*. Yet I had soooo many people tell me how tiny and dainty I looked. My uncle even picked me up when he hugged me and spun me around! I still have about 30 pounds I want to lose...but what a great feeling! I'm at a stage where you can actually notice 5 or 10 lb weight loss and I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I'm starting to look like. I adore my kickboxing, zumba and yoga classes and if I don't run several times a week I feel weird. Whats even better is that my amazingly supportive grandparents (so funny now as my grandma was not 100% on board when I told her about my surgery a year ago!) have said that when I run my first 10K this summer that they'll be there at the finish line. That's amazing considering they want to travel to ME and at their age (late 80s) the 3.5 hour trip is hard for them. Wow. Just...wow! This entire long weekend has been great motivation to continue my 'Battle of the Bulge' until I get to my goal!!

It is hard to imagine that 1 year ago this month, I had the VSG surgery procedure. I remember the agony of finally deciding to have the surgery after years of saying, "Never", then having to wait those several months to wait for surgery. Now looking back, I do see value in all those hurdles I had to jump! It has been a relatively easy time this year. My loss has been very slow compared to many others, but I have always been the slow loser! I have had 2 significant stalls during this year. The first one lasted almost a month and was 6 months after surgery. The second stall was almost 2 months and lasted from November to january. I started getting panicky, so I went on structured plan to make sure I am not overeating without realizing. I also cut out all carbs except fruit (2 per day). I am eating mostly lean meats and lots of low-carb veggies. Now my total loss is 87 pounds, 57 of which came after the surgery. One can see that i averaged about 1 pound a week this first year. I won't be winning any weight loss awards, but to have lost this much is a miracle and a true gift!
 
For those of you who, like me, struggle with metabolic and endocrine issues such as thyroid, PCOS, diabetes, I do have some advice. It may or not apply and I hestitate to claim any knowledge, but here goes:
 
1) No matter what your weight, start working on fitness. I started 7 years ago, exercising 20 minutes twice weekly. At 282 pounds, it nearly killed me. I would literally climb into bed EVERY day after exercise and go back to sleep. I was so exhausted that I could not stay up on my feet. It took everything I had to get out of bed in the morning to exercise, but I did it for the fight of my life. I gradually increased my exercise over then next four years. I was still gaining weight, but I was plugging along. Now looking back, I can see the wisdom in the exercise. My core is strong, my muscles and spine are healthy and strong for my age. My coordination is good and my exercise recovery is so much better. Now, my exercise schedule is as follows:
M, W, F - 6am walking partner for 50 minutes (about 3 miles)
T, R - some cardio, but mostly resistance, core and balance training
In between, I take a zumba or circuit class once or twice a week and I dance on the weekends with my hubby once in a while.
 
2) Start looking inside! I journal, and now looking back it is helpful to see how much healthier I am inside and out. Journaling for me is a conversation to God. It leads me to God and helps sort out my thoughts. I also listen and write down things I sense that maybe God wants for me. It is a very deep and sweet place some days, light and superficial others, and agonizing once in a while. I use scripture along with this for my meditation and I am blessed in a deep place as a result.
 
3) Face your fears- I am facing my fears, my insecurities and my failings. Facinig my fears was so important for my success. For me, that meant taking swim lessons. I actually dove head-first finally, and cried when I did it because it was such a barrier to me. I am also teaching some kids spanish, and this is forcing me to tackle a very insecure place in my life. I left south America at age 11 and was very sad about it. I stopped speaking spanish and began to feel insecure to talk to others in spanish. It started with lessons and now I am helping others.
 
4) Face your failings and forgive yourself and others - Facing my failings has also been important and this journey has taken me to some uncomfortable places. Sometimes it meant being honest with myself and my food. Sometimes it meant looking at a specific event where I made a poor choice in a relationship, or responded poorly to others. It has even meant dealing with unforgiveness of myself and others. In one situation, someone slandered me very painfully and unfairly. I held on to the unforgiveness because my reputation mattered to me. It was 2 years later that I finally went to this person to ask her what I did that led to this situation. She told me there were "Lots" of things,but could not think of anything specific right then (she said I should have given her time to thinkabout it). At that moment, I was given a release from the torment of the situation. I was able to forgive her, and ask her to forgive me for whatever it was that led her to slander me. It was like a ton of weight was lifted from me.
 
5. Be honest about your food.
6. Find a good practitioner. Find a practitioner who understands the complexities of dysmetabolic syndrome, HPA axis disorders (hypothalmus, pituitary, adrenal), and has holistic approach to healing.
7. Reward yourself!

I can't believe I am so close to 2 years post op. It has flown by. I have been on vacation for the last week and yesterdays weigh in was mid day when I got home. This morning I was 108.2. This surgery is the best thing I have ever done for myself. despite the trouble I had in the beginning.
 
SW 242 Height 4'11''
6 month Pre-op loss (-28.6)
Surgery date 8/8/11 213.4
 
1 month - 194.2 (- 19.2)
2 months - 180 (- 14.2)
3 months - 170.2 (- 9.8)
4 months - 164.4 (- 5.8)
5 months - 167.2 (+ 2.8)
6 months - 162.4 (-4.8)
7 months - 155.4 (-7)
8 months - 149.6 (-5.8)
9 months - 143.4 (-6.2)
10 months - 139 (-4.4)
11 months - 132.6 (-6.4)
12 months - 126.8 (-5.8)
13 months - 121.4 (-5.4) Made goal! Normal BMI!
14 months - 118 (-3.4)
15 months - 116.2 (-1.8)
16 months - 114.8 (-1.4)
17 months - 112.6 (-2.2)
18 months - 114.6 (+2)
19 months - 109 (-5.6)

All of my life I felt very different from everyone around me and constantly yearned to be “normal” like everyone else. In school, I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis because I was “different”. In order to cope with the abuse at school and at home, I turned to food. What I didn’t realize at the time was that instead of running towards normalcy, my actions were driving me further away. As I gorged myself with calories, I gained weight and became less active.
 
As an adult, I became so fat that I had trouble doing simple tasks like getting dressed or walking a block to a place for lunch. I thought about getting weight loss surgery, but then, I would permanently be “not normal”. One of my greatest fears about getting the surgery was that I would never be able to eat like a “normal” person again. I thought that I would not be able to participate in social activities where food was served and my post-surgery eating habits would attract attention to me as being different from everyone else. It never occurred to me that at 325 lbs, I was not eating like a normal person to begin with and my eating habits were probably already attracting attention.
 
Today, after having lost 100 lbs from surgery, I am quite shocked to discover that I feel more normal than I have ever felt in my life. I am as active as any normal person and can physically do everything a normal person can do. My eating habits have not impacted my social life in the least. It feels wonderful to be able to walk into any clothing store and buy whatever I want just like a normal person.
 
Even though I am not happy about still being 60 lbs overweight, given the average size of people these days, even that seems normal. I was telling my therapist that I feel like I have normal weight loss issues now. Weight loss seemed like an impossible dream before surgery, but I am at a point now where I need to watch what I eat and exercise like a normal person to lose any more weight. With surgery, I have achieved normalcy, the one thing I feared I would not gain by having the surgery. I’m hopeful that I will lose the rest of this weight in the new year.

Ok, lemme 'splain what your looking at here: The brown thing is my shirt. The denim color is my pants and the white thing is my TRAY TABLE ALL THE WAY DOWN with a couple inches to spare!! The blue tabbie looking thing is MY SEATBELT, not only fastened without an extender, but a few inches pulled out. Then just to be a smart@$$, I went and used the airplane bathroom JUST because I could!! HAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! I love it. Oh, what 98 lbs can do for a person!! Love it. Don't give up, people!!!
 
 

So.....this is me and my journey of what brought me to where I am today.... This blog may make you laugh, smile and even cry.. but I just want everyone to see who I am and what brought me to this amazing experience...
 
As of today I am 29 years old and 35 pounds lighter than I was a month ago... but what got me to the point of having to have the sleeve? Well let me lay it out for you...
 
I have always been fat...from the day I was came into this world I always had more padding than was needed! My parents and sisters are both extra fluffy as well so growing up I didn't realize how different I was or what I was missing out on or not doing because of my weight because being around my family I seemed normal...I never really got teased in school for my weight, there were occasional times where kids would tease me..one time I walked past a girls desk and she started shaking like there was an earthquake. I grew up in Arizona where there aren't earthquakes, the thing is she was the same size as me so I tried not to let it bother me.
 
Then there was the time when I wore a red shirt and kids called me the kool-aid man. After that I started wearing blacks, grays, browns, darker colors that never really brought attention to myself.. wow I just realized as I wrote that why I tend to still to this day wear those colors and shy away from anything bright!
 
In middle school my mom had me do weight watchers in the summer, I lost a good amount of weight, but I was still chunky, by the end of the school year I had gained it all back and then some. The thing is, I still wasn't bothered by my weight. Boys were interested in me and had been since the 4th grade, but that probably was because I was the only 4th grade girl that was already a full B cup..
 
In high school I always had a boyfriend, it seemed that was not an issue that my weight let get in the way. There were even times when I had a few boys interested in me at once, by the end of high school I was already in a size 18/20. But that didn't seem to bother me or stop me from doing anything. My weight was something I felt would never stop me from doing what I wanted. I was happy and that is all that mattered.
 
I started college and the same thing, still had boys interested in me. Met boys in classes and made me feel like there wasn't anything wrong with my weight. I always heard people say oh boys won't like you because of your weight, but to me it wasn't an issue. I seemed to be the serial fat girl dater. After a few years of the college life I decided to move away from my family and all I knew in Arizona. It was time to branch out and I felt as though I was going no where in this town...
 
So I packed up my car and moved to San Diego at the age of 21. A city that I loved, though didn't know a single soul in. A big move for this girl who actually was shy! You wouldn't have guessed that with all that you've read so far, I bet So I started a new job, had my own place and that's when I realized that being fat, was being fat and there was nothing good about it. Living in California and a beach city to top it off there were beautiful girls everywhere.
 
Going to the beach I felt like a beached whale and that everyone stared at me... but then again I started meeting men.. they were interested in me and I thought wow if they are interested in me and there are those barbie girls out there then I am doing ok. I did start to work out and eat a little healthier, tried to get into the California lifestyle.. But even working out and eating right didn't seem to matter my weight stayed the same and eventually I gained more and more.
 
I had a few serious relationships, one right after another and they all loved me for me and thought I was beautiful no matter what size I was. I was always told I had such a pretty face, so again never let my weight get to me. I've done walks and the more weight I gained the more the simple things became harder...
 
I would determine if I would go somewhere based on how far I had to walk, if there were stairs, how crowded it was. I wouldn't go to a restaurant unless I knew there were tables instead of booths for the fear of not being able to fit into a booth.. Now I mention that the men I date were not fat, they were in good shape some in great shape with six packs!
 
I really started to become self conscious of who I was, what I looked like and who I had let myself become. My older sister had the lapband, lost a lot of weight but then had issues with the band and is slowly gaining the weight back. I started doing boxing and kickboxing at a boxing gym and loved it. I struggled but made it through every single hour long class!
 
Weight loss surgery has been something that I've thought about, but always thought I know I can lose the weight without it.. it will be my last resort! Then I met this new guy,... and we fell in love and got married! Going on just over a year right now. He is amazing, but he is fit, very active and health minded. That didn't seem to bother him, he always told me I was beautiful and loved me no matter what..
 
Then we decided we wanted to have children.. the thing is I hadn't had a period in years... I mean probably since I was in high school and college... and now I was 27 years old. I know what needs to happen to have babies... I was scared to tell him that I didn't have one and that I knew right now I would not be able to get pregnant. I so went to my OBGYN and started talking to her. She put me on medication to force me to have periods every 3 months... it worked, but still I was not ovulating. So she sent me to an endocrinologist.. and there is where I realized for one of the very first times in my life being fat is taking something from my life that I wanted so badly.
 
So they found out I had PCOS, a condition you get being overweight that causes you to resist insulin, you don't ovulate you don't get your monthly cycle. I felt like I was the only woman in the world who wanted to have regular periods every month! So they put me on medication for it to help me lose weight and get my cycles back.. well I never happened. I was thinking about weight loss surgery again, after all it would get me in the best position to have children the fastest. But I was worried too.. what if it doesn't work? Then I have tried every option possible and I am still left fat and childless... then will my husband still love me?
 
Then the true nightmare began... as I mentioned my entire family was over weight. Well as the years went on my mother was extremely overweight. She was 55 and struggling so much she was in a scooter..... my mother became very ill very fast.. she went to work on A thursday and became so ill that Saturday my dad took her to the ER. By the time I got into town, I knew I was going to lose my mother. Sunday morning at about 5 am my mother passed away. Her weight was the factor, they thought she had arthritis, which is why her back hurt and she had a scooter. Turns out it was kidney failure, and my mother had an infection and became septic. There was nothing that they could do for her in the hospital.
 
My sister and I lost our mother, our father lost his wife, my grandmother lost her daughter and her siblings lost their sister.. because of weight. That scared me because I was heading down the same path.. was that could to be me in 30 years? This happened June of 2012..
 
Then I had a dream a few night later... We were all back at the hospital and my mom was laying on the bed, she suddenly woke up and said, " Now that I'm ok, we all need to work on getting healthy". That was my breaking point, my vow to do whatever I had to do to live a long healthy life.
 
So I went to my Dr and said I want to do surgery, I went to the seminars and decided that I wanted to do the vertical sleeve. It was the best option and I have a little over 200 pounds to loose.. I was ready and willing to sacrifice anything to get my life on track. Being that I had already been going to the weight loss center I only had 2 more months until I could qualify through insurance since they required 6 months of visits..
 
So two months later my surgery date was set for Sept 14th, 2012. And I was ready. Insurance approval went through easy and I was set! Surgery day came and I still didn't feel like it was going to happen. My surgery went amazing, no complications I was on the table an hour. My recovery was just as great, I was discharged the next day by noon. I was at one of the best hospitals possible so I knew the care I was getting was what I needed.
 
Now here I am almost 4 weeks later and 35 pounds lighter. THis was the best decision of my life and I don't regret it. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. Maybe even sooner so maybe my mom would get to see how life changing it was and maybe make the decision to do something about it herself.. then maybe just maybe I would still have a mom... As today marks 4 months from the day she was taken from us all too soon..
 
So next time I think that being fat doesn't mean anything, I will think again because to me fat is no longer an option or a lifestyle.. it is going to be the old me, the me who really didn't think about what it was doing to me or my family.. Fat made me who I am today and without being this way I probably wouldn't have met my husband, but it also took my mother from me...
 
So here is to the start of the new non-fat me... seeing where this journey takes me. I know that wherever it does I will not be needing to ask for a seatbelt extender any longer

The only excuse I have for having totally dropped of the VSG website is that life has gone absolutely NUTS (as in working 6 days a week at my full time job, and doing wedding cakes for my side business) and the fact that my computer hates this site. It locks up like crazy everytime I try and bounce on to check out whats going on. *rolls eyes* At some point I'll get around to fixing that....
 
So what's been going on with moi, you ask? Well, my sixth month surgiversary is nigh (2.5 weeks away!) and I am down 85 pounds and a hell of a lot of inches. I actually slipped into Onederland about 2 weeks ago. That was....hard. You would think I would have jumped up and down (if you heard a strange noise at 5am EST that was me, squealing like a little girl) but I actually had a mini freak out. My dad had this surgery and I know that he had a hard time mentally as the pounds slipped away. A sort of brain/body disconnect that stressed him out (he's better now). I didn't have any problem as I slipped down into the low 200s...but something about going below 200 freaked me out. I didn't realize how much my weight was wrapped up in my self-image (duh, right?) and that I used it as an excuse to not engage the world. When I no longer had that my subconscious was sucking on its thumb, rocking back and forth while clutching the metaphorical blankie at the 'stressful' idea that I was becoming 'normal'. And that maybe the cute guy at work was flirting with me the other day. *blush*. So after having a very stern talk with my subconscious, taking away the blankie, and putting tabasco on it's thumb we are both finally on the same page. Granted, I'm now dealing with sullen teenager subconscious, but whatever. (Yes, I'm joking. I realized after re-reading this that my metaphor made me sound like I had multiple personalities. Frankly, if I had multiple personalities one of them had better be a kick ass Valkyrie. Or a dragon. Or Xena. Sometihng much more interesting than a sukly subconscious with thumb-sucking issues. But that's another blog entry....)
 
So now I'm at 195.2 with 55 more to go. Did I mention that I (and other people) can actually SEE my collarbones?! It's been so long since I could see them underneath my skin that I find myself constantly touching them (as if they're gonna disapear or something). I felt so stupid as I realized this after I got out of the shower and was brushing my hair. I had looked into the mirror and though, "What are those weird bumps under my skin". Yeah, facepalm time. *laughs at self*. Still, very, very cool. Also, as a side note, does anybody else notice how uncomfortable it is to sit sometimes now? I swear my butt is so boney and I'm not used to sitting on it rather than all the extra padding that used to be there!
 
So what else is going on in the Life Of Lyra? I haven't been able to exercise much in the last few weeks because I got Tboned in a vicious gocart accident. Don't snicker! It was horrible! My friends and I were on an adult gocart track where the things go up to 20 mph when I got clipped which caused my gocart to flip horizontal to the track. Then this douchebag Tboned me and promptly started swearing at ME! The harness that we wore went over the shoulders and crossed at the waist and chest area. Basically the force of the hit caused the buckle of the harness at chest level to dig into my ribs and cracked them. I literally had a bruise the size of my open hand across my ribs. Along with black bruises going over my shoulders, across my stomach, and on my legs. Plus a 'rugburn' across my neck where the shoulder part dug in. Lots of pain. Then (as if I wasn't in enough trouble) I got bronchitis. Has anybody ever had to cough with cracked ribs? Yeah, it sucks. Major. But I am now on the mend and am looking forward to running soon.
 
So what have I learned over the last 5.5 months? That this was the best decision that I have ever made. That I actually enjoy eating mostly veggies and fuits and that a girl really can happily survive without pasta and pizza in her life. That physical exercise is fun. That the amount of food restaurants give out is nauseating. That life is amazing! That in a few weeks I turn 30 and that for the first time in 10 years I feel....worthy. That I am not damaged and all the things that used to make me grab a snickers bar and stuff myself are not worth it. That life is beautiful and crazy in all its mysteries and that I CANNOT wait to see what happens next. I think I'm going to join a dating site, or maybe even get up the nerve to ask the cute guy at work out. I'm joining a kickboxing group with a friend and some other friends and I are going to take climbing lessons. And I'm going to FINALLY buy a pair of zipup knee high boots, because my calves FIT IN THEM!
 
Oh, and this time last year when I was humiliated at the State Fair when I couldn't fit in any of the rides and had to get off in front of all those people and I went home a cried all night? This year those rides better watch out! I've bought 2 full packs of tickets and I plan on using Every. Last. One. Of. Them. *wicked smile*

Okay, so here is the deal. This whole Spanx entry started when I added a dumb joke about the guy who has to wear a girdle ever since his wife found it in his car. Sort of caught with something you should not have, so you make up an excuse - in this case "It's mine."
 
So I tell the dumb joke and start looking at the Spanx website (purely for research mind you). And guess what? now I am constantly getting pop-ups for Spanx on my computer. So what is the big deal? We all get pop-ups. Sure, but have you ever walked back into your office to find your young assistant copying files for you on a two monitor set-up.... and look to the left and see as big as Texas a Spanx pop-up on the other screen.
 
If she saw it (which certainly she did) she did not say anything. And I sure as HE(( was not going to say anything! Anything - even an acknowledgement would have made it worse.
 
So now everyone at work that sees my new svelte self is going to simply assume that I am not losing weight, I am just buying tighter ladies under garments!!!
 
Thanks SPANX, now everyone thinks I am a secret cross dresser.
 
There ought to be rules on pop-ups - just because I looked at something on the web, does not mean I want 100's of related ads coming unsolicited to my computer screen. Thank goodness she did not see the ads for "Russian mail order brides" or "How to be a male pole dancer DVD collection." I guess I got off lucky.

i wish yesterday was my last day of work.... Those people are stressing me out!
 
A coworker of mine yesterday asked me when surgery was (I've only told them I need to get my lapband corrected....they don't know I'm getting the sleeve!) so I told her it was next Tuesday.... In a rude attitude, her response was "so your getting the lapband removed right? Because I don't see why you can't lose the weight with just diet and exercise!"
 
breathe Tiffany........breathe........wooosah!!!!! Woooosah!!!!!
 
this coworker of mine literally weighs 93lbs, has never had an eating problem in her life.... She's just this cute, tiny little Asian woman, about 35-40 years old.......and she's got the nerve to tell someone 3x's her size that 'diet and exercise' a going to fix me????!!!!! Oh hell no! I was so upset at that point.... I honestly didn't know how to respond to that. I just simply and softly responded with "I'm sure you have no clue what it's like to be this big and this disgusted in yourself. I'm glad diet and exercise work for you, but this is my body and my choice"
 
the look on her face was pure stunned..... I'm pretty sure no one has ever responded to her rudeness like that before....
 
 
I'm so tired of people telling me what I should and should not do with this body of mine.... "god gave you this body" yes....he did..... And unfortunately, I ruined it and I'm trying to get it back.....so shove off!
 
 
lord grant me the strength to continue to deal with these haters.... Help me see that they motivating me to work harder at the body I want!
 
anyone else have these issues with friends/family/coworkers who don't know what it's like being like us?
how did you deal with it?

I cried today.
 
To be honest, I'm still kinda shocked about the above statement. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried in the last decade. I've personally never thought tears fixed anything and am a 'going in guns blazing' instead of 'delicate weeping beauty' sort of lady. Steel southern magnolia, anyone?
 
So there I was, looking forward to my day off and realized that something had happened that hasn't in a number of years. Ever since I gained that last big amount of weight I developed pcos and my period stopped. I never told anyone, but I felt so cut off from my sexuality and from being a woman when that happened. I also worried that maybe my uterus was broken and I would never be able to have kids. I think I submerged those feelings of inadequacy/guilt/anger/despair so deeply that it wasn't until I dropped 65 pounds and get my period back that they just overtook me. It definitely rocked my world and I can't believe how happy I am with bloating, back pains, and food cravings again. *shakes head*
 
It's been several weeks since I've updated and I apologize, yet again. So much is going on and life is good, if confusing. My weight loss has been slow and steady and I'm 14.4 pounds away from Onderland. I sometimes get caught up in the mental belief that I am still 280 and then I realize that I can mostly shop in the regular clothes section now. My grandparents saw me for the first time in 3 months (since surgery) and my grandpa got all chocked up and teary eyed. They've been so worried about me. People keep telling me how pretty I am and I hope that I can soon start to believe them without doing the automatic 'big girl humor' to laugh off something that I don't believe. It's nice to not feel like people are looking at me and judging me all the time. I actually flirted with a guy the other day and didn't feel like said guy was only being polite back. I don't feel as invisible anymore and it's taking time to get used to that.
 
Another thing that has surprised me is the change in my personality. I've always been somewhat hyper and 'artistic' (read: eccentric) and people have said that while I am still funny that I've calmed down a lot. I think I subconsciously felt like I had to be overly amusing to overcome my weight. As if I somehow had to justify my existence in a group of prettier/skinnier people. Which is a load of crap, but apparently my subconscious is an idiot.
 
So many changes and every day I thank god that I did this surgery. I sometimes feel whistful about what my life would have been like if I had been skinny from the beginning, but you can't change the past. You can't change the hand that life has dealt you....although you can definitely throw in a couple of cards and pull new from the deck! Life changes so quickly, and I must say that I will deeply enjoy what is to come as I continue to lose more weight and find out who I really am.
 
Well, I'll enjoy everything except the hair loss. I've resigned myself to shedding more than Chewbacca the Wookie, but damn, it sucks. If anybody is looking for an amazing hair gel that helps give curl, definition, and body to whatever hair you have left look up Herbal Essences Curl Control Gel. It's new and worth every single penny!

When Alex suggested members take a three day challenge by tracking every little thing they eat or drink, I thought, "Sure. Why not?"
 
I figured that I'd just be writing down what I was tracking in my head, so no big deal, and I could not only say I read the <i>whole</i> newsletter, but I actually took action. So I attached a sharpened pencil to my daytimer and commenced to keep track of everything I put in my mouth.
 
 
As I looked over my lists last night, I admit I was very close to tears. I would say that the past three days have been pretty typical for me - nothing really out of the ordinary that I could say messed up or changed my regular habits. So no excuse there.
 
I cringe to write this. Over three days, I drank a <i>total</i> of 102 ounces of liquid, consumed +/- 950 calories, and had ZERO protein. I hope y'all were sitting down for this. I swooned myself. How could I, by any stretch of the imagination, call this healthy eating? Ick.
 
Alex's challenge (and the outcome) brought to mind an experience I had working with a nutritionist for the benefit of a mutual client. One day while we were discussing ways in which to re-connect this starving girl to reality, the nutritionist said, "I've found that anyone who has problems with food has an almost infinite capacity for self-deception."
 
Ouch.
 
I'm certainly confronted with my capacity for self-deception. How did I ever morph the reality of that list into something different in my head? I was pretty confident I was keeping track... accurately. Of course, I filed away the decision to "...have more protein tomorrow" in the back my mind. Under a pile of other **** and covered with a mental wet-wool-blanket. Seeing in writing that I'd done that for three days in a row kind of puts my stated commitment to "get healthy" in jeopardy. And, as I am wont to tell my clients, "When the words and the actions don't match, you always go with the actions. They tell the truth."
 
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
 
So, this morning, HWHN and I had a long discussion about what it really means to change our lifestyle. As it happens, he's just had his first complete physical in five years (I see all the women roll their eyes and the men shrug) and it turns out he's great except he's pushing the envelope for cholesterol. Ah. This requires a lifestyle change for him too. No more chocolate (he's the chocoholic) and no more cheeseburgers stuffed with deep-fried onion rings. (Fortunately, HWHN is not overweight, but apparently his arteries are protesting.)
 
The 'lifestyle change' discussion precipitated a general discussion about our life, and we've decided to make some other changes as well. We've done this before, he and I - we know we can do it again. Changing our lives the first time meant I beat off the MS and got out of a wheelchair, and "flipping over the Monopoly board" again brought us out of the cold of the Great White Up to SandyTown and changed the course of HWHN's genetically-inherited arthritis. We can do this again.
 
So an "epic fail" has caused us to take stock of what we're actually doing. Not just what we <i>think</i> we're doing. No. Really doing. And we're not doing so hot on the whole self-care thing. But, that's about to change. It's already begun. HWHN wants to avoid having to take Lipitor with all its attendant side-effects, and I'd like to get out of starvation mode, continue losing weight and keep at least a little bit of hair.
 
Here's to Alex - thanks for the newsletter, the challenge, and the opportunity to really confront the self-deception that "...doth so easily beset us all."

There is a comedian that talks about how even as an adult he laughs everytime he squirts out the shampoo and it makes a PPHHFFLLTT sound. Well, I guess I am like that. There are two things I have seen on here that just made me think like a 12 year old...
 
1. In a perfectly serious and nice forum post one user posted "It is official, I am in a stall." Then she went on to describe her frustration at her weight not moving at all for like 2 weeks. Definitely a stall and a very frustrating one. Nothing to laugh at....... Well, all I could think of when I first read the headline was that she was stuck in a public bathroom somewhere. I can just see me stuck in a bathroom - and being the goof that I am - I would text something like....It's official, I'm in a stall!. Sorta had to be there, but I thought it was funny
 
2. The one thing that really cracks me up... and I am dying - literally dying - to be able to use this on some unsuspecting person. In this very specific subject website we have our own vocabulary that no one else uses (foamies, sliming, etc.) And we all know what we mean because there is such a fine and narrow context built into all of our posts. However, we fling around the terms pre-op and post-op like we own them. We do not own them. There is another very narrowly defined group that uses these very same words. And they are not talking about having your stomach cut off. They are aiming lower -much lower.
 
I hope I can just drop in a conversation somewhere that I am 2 months post-op with no additional information. Then just watch to see how people treat me. We all know that big people are treated different. But I can only imagine that if people thought I had just gone through surgery to change my "accessories." That would be hilarious. I couls also probably answer questions honestly. Did it hurt? no. How long were you in the hospital? not long. Do you feel different? oh yes!! Do people treat you differently? yes. Was your family supportive? Yes, especially my wife and kids - that ought to get a look.
 
Then go for the total freak out. Do you want to see my incisions?

Today I went to Zumba again for the first time since surgery and having dropped 53 pounds. For some reason I thought that I would be more graceful and more able to swing my hips and do my thing but I'm still gonna have to work on that. Thank god I 'dance' in the back of the class! Before I dropped this weight I had actually gotten pretty good at Zumba, but now I feel like my body is going nuts. My center of gravity is shot to hell, I drop everything and I just generally feel off. Not bad, as I actually feel pretty good, but different. Lighter, in some ways, and both stronger and weaker in others. I feel like I have a greater range of movement without all the previous fat globbed onto my bones, but I kinda feel like I'm 13 again and had just grown 3 inches overnight. Where do all the knees and elbows go?!?
 
I sometimes find myself shocked when I can sit cross-legged in a chair that I use to wedge myself into. Or when I cross my legs without thinking. Or when I put on that shirt that hasn't fit in 3 years. Little blasts of shocked pleasure and then I remember that my body is radically different right now. I almost feel like I'm going through puberty and having to relearn a drastically changing body landscape. Just today I realized that I needed a smaller sports bra. Of course, this realization happened during a particularily energetic Zumba song, but I was still surprised as I often remember it being almost too tight. Strange. I catch myself on those memories fairly frequently.
 
I also wonder what my body is going to feel like in another 90ish pounds when I get down to my goal weight. I sometimes feel like my body is melting away around me (totally not complaining!!) while my mind is off somewhere in an Irish pub singing bawdy sailor songs only to come back to a totally redocorated house. It's strange, and lovely, but so very confusing at the same time.

A disclaimer to this blog. It does contain one swear word in a conversation between this mother and her son. Before you get all judgmental, let me explain. We are a family that laughs.....at ourselves and each other. Sometimes, to make the conversation absolutely hilarious, we will take on a different accent and different character. This is what occurred. Having said that..........on with the story!!
 
Yesterday, Sunday....5 days post op. My daughters drove from their apartment in downtown Houston the 30 treacherous minutes out to our home in the suburbs to "visit the sick" (referring to me). My daughters are fantastic people; busy, young college students with lives of their own. How sweet they would tackle the old southern tradition of "sitting with the sick" on Sunday afternoon.
 
Right!! What the real deal was......we, as a family.....are addicted to HBO's True Blood and it comes on every Sunday night @ 8pm (No, I did not get paid for that plug). One of the sisters had taken her share of the cable bill money and had a fine time with a friend in Disney World....so....their cable was off. That was only part of their reason for visiting. The other part was they were hungry and they know I will always feed them when they are home.
 
So secure in their knowledge that momma would feed them and we would watch our program together, they do what all good Sunday afternoon visitors do.....took a 3 hour nap!
 
Well, after the sleeping beauties awakened, my 17 year old son was downstairs giving them a hard time. He asks, in a gruff tough voice "what are ya'll doing here? You HAVE an apartment1"
 
The sweetie sisters answered in their most precious voices "We came to see how momma was."
 
My son's reply, in a voice that would strike terror in any faint heart "It ain't like she's sick or anything. She just had surgery, that's all."
 
At that point, I butted into the conversation. Now, let me set the stage. I am a girl, born and bred in the deep south of Alabama who was transplanted to Texas 4 years ago. My accent is as much a part of who I am as the red hair my stylist touches up every 4 weeks at the salon..........only I was born and will most likely die with the accent.
 
So, butting into the conversation, with my interpretation of a New Jersey housewife accent, I say "I am too sick......I have a disease 70% (don't know the actual statistic, this just seemed good off the top of my head) of Americans suffer with. It's called Obesity,... you bastard!"
 
The girls, my son, and myself just fell apart after that with laughter! Oh my word, it was the funniest thing. He didn't have another word to say and neither did they. We laughed for a solid 5 minutes. And they laughed even more, because with all that belly busting laughter, I moved a few more gas bubbles and accentuated the laughter with burps and "poots".
 
Laughter is the best thing we can do for ourselves and those we love. Laughter is as good for the body as "GasX", and a whole lot more fun.
 
So, "Send in the Clowns" cause "what don't kill me only make me stronger"!!!!
 
Good grief, with that motto, I should be a beast............soon to be in a much smaller package......with ridiculous high heels!!!!!!!

After seemingly forever going up and down The. Same. Three. Pounds. I have FINALLY dipped down into the 220's! I don't remember how long its been since I've weighed this...maybe freshman year in college? Seriously, I'm so happy I could cry! Onederland, here I come!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, he'll sleeve me tomorrow.....it's only a day away!!!
 
Yes, I love music.....and shoes. Funny how those 2 things seem to be the back drop of my life and memories.
 
But for tomorrow, I am as ready as I'll be.
 
My mother asked yesterday if I was afraid, if I was prepared. My answer was, " I don't have time to be afraid or prepare. Are you kidding me?" And that is so true. Between work (I really do love my job), my 4 kids, and 1 very pregnant daughter in law.....I am a busy girl. I laughingly told my mom "I'm really kinda looking forward to the 24-48 hours of peace and quiet!"......she just sighed.
 
My sister calls today (she is the youngest). She is excited for me to have the WLS so she can see how much trouble it is. Honestly, why am I the guinea pig? I'm the oldest, that's why. She's obese too and knows something has gotta give.......she's just hoping that something won't be her knee!
 
Weight, really is a ghost......haunts every aspect of your life.
 
My kiddos are pretty pumped. The father's day card I gave their father depicted a man dressed in tails with a shapely woman in a red dress on his arm (wearing great, black, high high heels). They all laughed and said,"Dad, that'll be you and mom next year!' I laughed too cause I was thinking the same thing!!
 
I don't have any wisdom, poignant thought at this point.
 
I'm too busy day dreaming about really great heels.................

This morning I weighed 240.I know it might bounce back a little and I am prepared for that.
 
I am just so happy that the scale is moving again.
 
xxo

Sorry I haven't been around a lot, but I'm battling evil computer gremlins right now. Do not fear though, as I shall be triumphant. As for the rest of my life, things are going better. I'm stalled again, but it's giving me time to get my act together at work. Also I'm trying to be careful and not think that I've only lost 42 pounds in 5 weeks because I lost 42 lbs in 5 weeks! Yes, I am breaking out the Hammer moves!
 
I'm finally back to full 8 hour shifts (thank god) and my naps are getting shorter and shorter. I am getting somewhat tired of my family always trying to figure out how I feel about everything, though. They seem to expect me to be stressed or having all sorts of problems and don't believe me when I say that I'm fine. My dad had this surgery and went through crazy emotions after he started to lose weight and it's like they expect me to be going through the same thing. It's kinda frustrating, honestly. I about lost it when they kept saying how "they knew that I had to be going through a lot, because they had been there with my dad, and I just didn't realize that I was going through it.". If I wasn't pissed before THAT little bit of patronizing family trivia then I definitely wanted to make short, pithy statements that would have made a sailor blush! They keep telling me I was withdrawn and not telling them everything and I kept telling them that I was in agonizing pain for 4 weeks after surgery (I had major suture complications so it felt like my side was being ripped apart every time I breathed) and wasn't chatty because I was in pain. *rolls eyes*. Nothing is more annoying than having people tell you how you should be feeling and then patting you on the head when you say that no, you don't feel like that at all. Hence why I wasn't calling them and thus started the vicious cycle. I've never been very communicative when not feeling well and I would think that after 29 years they would know that.
 
Alas life is pretty good, though. My ego and self-confidence is increasing and I'm even thinking about hitting on the cute guy at work. This weekend I'm going shopping with my BFF because out of all my clothes I have about 3 things that fit. Also, I've never been happier that I need a new, smaller bra! Oh the inhumanity!! *grin*

When you wake up feeling cruddy or you pass by something you really want to eat. Just remember.. somedays you have to take a minute at a time and sometimes you can do an hour at a time and think to yourself... this too shall pass. That pizza I really want is not worth me eating and being fat again. That sandwich or steak looks so good ...but I don't want to bust open my sleeve. Always think.... I chose this surgery because I wanted a healthier better me. I gave up those things to find the me that I have always wanted to be. Spread the Fabulosity and Love! We all can do it! There is no reason to turn back. We have made the decision to be skinnier, healthier, sexier.....because WE DESERVE IT! No kind of Food will make me ever GO BACK to being FAT. I want to be FABULOUS!!!

First,Takingmylifebacc,of course we will lose.We just need to be patient.
 
Tonight the topic came up again.Move,when,where,university,school,US/UK? And without realizing what I was doing it I told everyone it was time for bed.When the kids were in bed (and the grown ups in the villa too) I decided that I felt like something nice.I had heard that people will have some peanut butter,a tablespoon full I thought.But alas,me being me that wasnt enough.
 
I actually got some fat free or sugarfree cool whip and scooped the frozen cool whip like ice cream in a bowl,topped it with the spoon of peanut butter, climbed into a hot bath and slowly finished it all.AND THEN I FELT AS SICK AS A DOG!In fact I still do.
 
This sleeve is the most amazing thing.I will either learn or I will feel terrible...and it is great!Of course I will learn,I am not unteachable or stupid...mind you a week or 2 back I posted something similar I think...ok,so I hope I will learn!LOL
 
Emotional eating is a terrible thing.It has ruined my life for many years.Now that I cannot eat I often feel like I am so bored and I am searching for something.I will have to start exercising a lot more to help counter these feelings.
 
But,the sleeve rocks.Now that all this emotional stuff will be there all the time while decisions are made and with the move (difficult thing to do,very difficult this has been our home for 10 years,we love this crazy place) I will not be able to make myself fatter just sick if I dont listen...lol.but i will learn!

I can't believe he did it. My husband actually hid my scale. What am I going to do? Does he not know I NEED that scale daily? I know I read the last post to him, but I didn't really think he would take it away and hide it. I noticed as I was peeing. I looked down and where the pretty digital scale used to sit, there was nothing but an empty floor. Flooring can't tell me how much I way. Doesn't he know this?
 
When I finished, I came out and sat down and had a little talk with my dear husband. he told me he would bring it out once a week for weigh ins. My response (and this is no lie), "What if you bring it out on my 'fat' day"? Then what?" With out missing a beat, he said, "Then I guess I will have to change days." Sometimes I hate him for being so fast on his feet. So, for now I am going through withdraw. Wish me luck. I know I can make it through this, but I also know how hard it's going to be. Anyone out there want to do the once a week weigh in with me? That may help knowing that other people have to wait for their weight too. Let me know and we can go through this together. I still can't believe he did it though. LOL