4ALongerLife

Thanks for posting the recipe!

How much water are you drinking a day? Are you logging every bite?

They have a spiced caramel apple cider right now. And yes they do have protein shakes ... strawberry banana, mango banana and something else banana. It's not advertised, but they do have it. You can look them up in mfp for the nutritional shakeout. The strawberry banana one is decent. Their tea is good too. But caffeine you are supposed to stay away from so it doesn't cause ulcers in your tummy I believe, more important I think at the initial part of your journey and as you move away from your surgery date, you will be more able to get back to coffee as you liked previously. Good luck!

Well.......... let's see ...... not sure where I've left off in my story of gastric sleeve. Yet I've had more update as of 11/14, I had a CAT scan as per my bariatric dr's orders to see what was going on. I was complaining of not being able to sleep lying flat, feeling like I was drowning, choking up my lungs each time I tried to lie down. So I resorted to sleeping in a chair or sitting at a 90 degree angle in bed. Not comfortable. Not to mention that I would cough and almost choke myself in the midst of the night, so sleeping was sporadic. Was doing Vicks vapor rub to breathe better and Robitussin but nothing was working. Dr. said let's do a CAT scan, which I did on the 11/14 date - at 1 pm. My dr. called me at 3:45 pm (um hello? that's a bit quick, so uh oh)... he says you have to go to the hospital Stephanie, something's wrong. It appears that I had another staple open up and leak more out into my cavity, which has penetrated my lungs and diaphragm, where I have a slight hole in my diaphragm. I also have a gastric fistula that connects my tummy to my lung and to my diaphragm. My left lower lobe is collapsed on my lung so it's harder to breathe than it should be. So I went and got admitted on 11/14. I went at 8 pm as per the dr.'s request, after the 7 pm nurse shift change. My son and my hubs went with me to the ER and waited with me, thinking we wouldn't be too long in the ER and would get to a room relatively quickly. Um, no. It was 1 am before we got to a room. My poor child was sleeping in a chair in the ER. Let me tell you too, IDK what the heck anyone that works in the ER thinks they know. This last visit to Baylor Carrollton worries me about ever going to the ER. The "dr." (Muniz I think was his name) was such a moron that he thought my dr. was a podiatrist. I personally think that mr. great looking dr. was too busy checking out my very attractive but yet super biatchy nurse. Whatever. I have had my moments in the ER on several occassions and let me tell you, if something goes wrong, you're better off trying to wait to go to your dr. rather than the ER in the midst of the night. At least so has been my experience. Anyways, got admitted and eventually had a chest tube placed. It was placed in my back, in an attempt to drain my lungs out. I also had revision surgery to my sleeve, again, on 11/20. My dr. stapled it again, sewed it and glued it. And attempted to clean out what he could of the fistula. The cardiac thoracic surgeon that was consulted was called away to an extreme medical emergency so he couldn't complete the bronchoscopy that he had planned. He originally thought that it might need to be an open surgery, which thankfully the chest tube extracted more than they hoped, so the CT surgeon thought only a bronchoscopy was neeed. He was called away, so they believe that high doses of IV antibiotics will help address any residual crap that remains in my lungs. So I'm home now, the day after thanksgiving I got released. Can I tell you how bad it sucked to have yet give ANOTHER holiday to this mess of my gastric sleeve experience? I am so sick and tired of complications taking my holidays and my time with my family. Not to mention, yet again, I am on a liquid diet but limited to 4 oz at a time. Except now.... I drink something and choke it up through my lungs somehow I think. IDK what's going on, I just know a sip of something and it goes down and I begin coughing. IDK if it's the fistula still there but I am going to call my dr. tomorrow morning to see if we can plan a CAT scan, chest xray, another leak test before the end of the year (since my deductible is met) to see where we are and what steps are next. I don't believe all of my issues are done yet and I want to know what my options are going forward to get this all addressed. The only problem now is ... my husband got laid off on friday. He had been at his job 10.5 years and they call it a RIF or reduction in force. It's when they decide they don't need as many workers as they needed before. Except I am freaking out now, or did. It's just one more stressor that I don't need. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's scary. I've worked out the numbers to know that I can almost make everything on my salary (thank God) but he's luckily got 1 week of severance with every year of service. So that will get us a bit more than 2 months of pay, yay (thank you God). Let's just hope that he can find another tester position in IT soon. So anyone that might read my blog, that's where I'm at. EVERYONE always says how positive I am, what an inspiration I am.... and I hate to tell you, but my light is lost right now. I feel like God has forsaken me or is angry with me for having done this surgery in the first place. And that has to be why I've had so many issues. I made a list today of all of the things that I miss......... and just eating with my family is the hardest one. I did this to live longer for my son and now I can't have much quality with him. I've lost so much weight that I now fit into a size 4, but it's not a celebratory experience. I am too skinny now. At 5'7", I don't need to be 132.5 lbs. I need to be at the smallest, 135. I know it's not much, but do you realize how hard it is to get quality calories in to keep weight on? So I've said "screw it" and I'm doing chocolate bars, baskin robbins milk shakes, whatever I can think of to up up up my daily caloric intake. I don't feel like eating nor drinking, especially once I do I choke myself to almost the point of vomiting on myself. It sucks, totally. And I am sagging in places I don't wish to sag and it worries me. If my body's reacted this poorly to gastric sleeve, how could I ever consider another surgery? (and the boobs ... well let's just say that's always been a dream but ESPECIALLY now, and with what i just mentioned, guess that dream's gone) The weird thing is my hubs still says he loves me. He loves everything about me, he supports me, he reminds me that I did the best thing that I thought at the time and he reminds me you can't go back in time. God I love that man. Sometimes I forget that, I hate to admit that, but after 23 years together, it happens unfortunately. The best thing was that at least we could fly his mom over to help whenever I was in the hospital. We left his car for her and I wrote out directions to my son's school and the hospital. And kudos to her, she actually drove here to those places. Driving here in any capacity scares the heebie jeebies out of her. The smaller town that we are from is much slower than here so I can understand. God bless her, she was a huge help (although everyone does laundry different, thankfully at least she helped keep up the house in any way possible and spent quality time with my son). So where should I leave off? As I cough more crap up out of my lungs and it tastes like the protein shake that I drank two and a half hours ago, IDK. I am scared. I don't want to have issues from this surgery for years of my life moving forward. We went to the Grapevine Mills mall today and I barely made it, but I did make a lap at the mall. Granted I stopped about 4-6 times to sit for at least 5 mins a time, but I made it. I am wiped out and tired, but I made it. I pray that I stop coughing every time that it seems like I drink. I pray that my PICC line doesn't get infected (it started bleeding last night as I think the shirt I had on yesterday pulled on it). I pray that my left shoulder pain doesn't come back (as it felt like it came back tonight). I pray that the pus pocket that is in my back, that was attempting to poke out of my body (no lie, they said that's why I had that egg of pus on my back), that it goes away. I pray that these home i.v. antibiotics get me to 100% capacity. And I pray that my dr.'s have the knowledge to address any residual effects and that I get to the right one to do so. And I pray for a longer life for my son. I pray that I can be "normal" again and accept lunch dates w/o restrictions on my diet or special considerations. I pray to be able to schedule a vacation and not worry about when and where based on my health status. I pray more than anything that I get my positive back and that I feel the hand of God in my life, guiding me because I think I've lost that right now in all of my fears and I miss His presence with me whenever no one else is around (as I cough up my guts at 3, 5 and 6 am, praying for relief). God forgive me for my weakness, but it is what it is. More than anything, I wish I had had an "easy" gastric sleeve surgery and I wonder why my experience has been the one that I've had. I've got to go do another round of I.V. antibiotics and so that I can get to bed... hope if anyone reads this, that it might help you and that you are doing well. xx

You FREAKING ROCK Libbe! Much love and may you always reach and sustain your goals. Hugs

sorry just saw your question a sleeve4me... yes my surgeon repaired the leak. it's tiny even after repair, but still there grrr

I have been thinking of several things lately.... trying to work on my head issues. In my rambling mind, I mostly have been considering what my overall goals were of having this surgery. I wanted to take health issues off of my plate to live a longer life for my son. Losing my mom in 2008, it really undid me for a while. IDK if my son will ever feel that same way, but I know one thing... when you lose your parents from this earth, the world feels much much smaller. As I get older, as "friends" have come and gone, I hold two people closer to my heart and that's my hubs (who knows if or when he could/would/should trade me in, but I'll always love him) and my son. So doing this surgery was primarily for them. But it was more than just living longer. It was so I could be more active with them, which I have done (discounting football... I know sacreligious comment but I hate football. College football I can withstand SOMETIMES). Next week kiddo starts basketball and I've committed to taking him to those practices and games. So I'm trying to push myself to do what I said I was going to do - be more active, more involved with him/them, etc. The other reasons for my surgery are rather vain or self-absorbed. I hated shopping. And I love to shop. By that I am not a Kim K. or those heifers you see on t.v. where they think the world revolves around them. (rolls eyes) Instead, I like searching out affordable buys that are unique if possible. Yesterday we went to the mall to have my watch looked at. I had to have FOUR links taken out of my watch... lol. THAT is weird to me. I asked her to put one back in and I'm wondering if I should have put back two. I got so used to everything bigger on me like watch bands, bagger like clothes to hide my fat, etc.... that this journey still hasn't yet made sense in my brain yet. To say that I've lost 109 lb.s in not even 8 months (not quite yet), I find that rather amazing. And my eyes look at me in the mirror, but my brain doesn't register that it's me, that I am small as I am now. I mean my "desire" in my heart, deep down, was at least to get to a size 8. I used to always always always tell the hubs, it'll NEVER happen. Now I'm a size six in my smallest jeans. Jeans! I thought that had to be a 'fluke'... it was jeans from old navy and someone said they run large. But this weekend, I tried on different styles/brands at yet another Ross excursion and guess what? One swallowed me and one was tight. The other fit perfectly. Mind you that I still am also wearing 8's and 10's, I probably even have a few 12's mixed in my closet now. But I have never in my life been below at size 14 ... that was my smallest and I wouldn't allow myself to get bigger than 18W. Side note, the 12's are comfy to me too... I got so used to wearing baggier clothes whenever I was obese, it's now a hard habit to break. I remember being a teenager and wanting to be a size 4 so bad. That was the "ideal"... that's what you saw all of those girls in Seventeen magazine, smiling, looking so carefree and they all had to be super tiny. Now mind you, I know it's gay men in that industry that dictate the cut/look/style of clothes so yes, of course they are going to choose girls that look more like boys! lol... (nothing wrong with a gay man or men, but c'mon... how in hades did we agree that THEY tell us what is sexy for hetero's? this world is so odd sometimes right?). But to think that I'm almost to that "ideal" ... and at 38 years of age. I wish I could have had this surgery in my teens or 20's. Not that I want my life to change or be changed, but what would the difference in my confidence have been? I get looked at differently, treated differently, IDK quite how to explain it. Women that I used to think were uptight and pretentious now openly smile and talk to me say in a store or the gym. That used to never happen. Is it me? Have I opened up? Or is it them opening up because of my thinned appearance? This journey causes you to consider and reconsider so many things you used to assume. Or at least for me it has. Yesterday I went to the mall though, got the watch changed up (links taken out) and told hubs, let's go look at the shoe dept. I need some new Sketchers as I throw those on on the weekends and love them to bits. There's a store across from the shoe dept that I have never allowed myself to walk into. I was always too big for that. If it didn't say Lane Bryant or The Avenue or was known to have a plus size section (i.e. Cato, Dots, Dillards, Macy's, etc etc U KNOW WHAT I MEAN), then I just didn't even allow myself to go in and look. But I had to literally check myself with the thought, oh yeah, I AM "small" now... and hubs said ok whenever I asked to go look. The oddest thing to me is trying on clothes where a small swallows me. The other odd thing is that I can fit into anything that I want or can afford. Except for shoes, damn size 11 feet and the tranny's/cross dresser's always buy up the cutest ones, grrr.... (hey they sometimes have great taste so I ain't hating, but dammit I AM a girl and have to buy those type of shoes so leave a sister some choices!!!!). Anywho, I just worry now.... I worry entirely too much... but what if having this leak caused me to lose more than I would have otherwise? Once it's gone, can I keep the weight off? I pray still, every day, that this dang thing heals. (and I struggle getting good protein in for my total day a LOT lately) But honestly, this leak is a mind f*$# too ya know? I am still going to the gym (even after hyper extending my flexor muscle in my left foot) and doing 7-9 miles when I go. So do I even give myself the possibility that I have worked my tail off to have such a large weight loss in such a short time? No. And isn't that sort of thought process what gets us into trouble in the first place? Not giving ourselves credit and instead only nit picking all that we have done or do wrong.... Or is that just me? I get ppl that I hear talk crap about me behind my back. I never have understood jealousy (thank God) and I know that's what the root of ppl talking about me behind my back. The thing is... what I'm doing in this journey, I don't keep it a secret. And I'm happy to share what's worked for me vs. what's not working for you. But the thing that DOES piss me off... don't turn your self loathing onto me. That's one thing I cannot respect or fathom ya know? If you are angry at yourself for not doing what I am pushing myself to do, don't use my name as the target for what you are feeling. It's misguided. Go look in a mirror. Then I see ppl on here or MFP many of the times with posts about not losing or stalling ..... ok, I have to admit this... I'm sorry, but I'm so tired of it. I attempt to be supportive of these ppl but whenever I ask - do you log your food? (are you logging every bite? you'd be amazed what 3 bites here or there equates to in caloric intake!) Do you exercise? (and omg when I tell them to do cardio 60-90 mins most days of the week, they totally shut up! but c'mon it's true...) Do you drink water? I usually get non-responses but the thing is - if you aren't doing these basic things, then you are probably better to not even ask why. You say you did this surgery to change your life. Well that's partially right. Some of these ppl, to me, I have to interpret it as you took the easy way into trying to change your life by having this surgery. By making that statement, I mean that there is an easy portion of weight loss involved after you cut 85% of your tummy out for every single one of us who've chosen to do this drastic measure. But then it stops and it relies on you and the environmental/head changes you attempt to instill. And in a year, whenever you can eat more, you better have gotten your stuff straight because it's real easy to slide back from what I understand. And that scares me, especially with my having all of these complications. So yeah, I'm pushing myself. Trying to get my own chit straight because I want to be a life long success story. The other issue I have with posts like this... you give me a bad name. People look at me whenever I tell them I had surgery and it's this momentary UMMM HUMMMM. We all know that judgement from someone we've told or will tell. Well two words in my mind for those ppl: bite me. Yes, surgery has made my innermost dreams a reality but bite me because I AM doing 7-9 miles in the gym on a regular basis. I do track every stinking (and some days quite shameful) bites and I DO drink 7 glasses of 8 oz cups of water a day. Am I perfect? HECK NO.... no way, no how, no sir. But whenever I read these posts here or on MFP on what am I doing wrong.. well first on MFP have your diary shared. If you don't, then what can anyone look to see how you are doing and suggest changes? Plus, how are you being held accountable? Second, get back to basics before you ask that. By that I mean, clean house - are you planning your food or just running to sonic and or mcdonalds? are you getting water/protein/sleep/exercise as you know you should? But if you aren't doing the basics, it's time to either clean up what you are doing or tweak things up on those levels. You have the knowledge at your fingertips. The best marketing message in the last 20 years comes to mind........ JUST DO IT. Yes we all struggle with getting back to motivation, so that's where I lean most days and try to be supportive... but as I just read a whiny and somewhat angry post about stalling, it struck a nerve. My bad, sorry. Ok my saying all of this is a venting/rambling session. Doesn't mean I won't support ppl who need help... but jeesh louise. Ya know? So I guess this is another entry from rambling rita (my real name is stephanie but i call myself this as i brain dump here whatever thoughts are crowding my skull, in between my dogs coming to play, son coming to talk about wresting, hubs coming to ask me about x, y, or z... so pardon me!). I truly wish everyone the best of luck on this journey. I have so much to learn and work on, but I'm trying to practice patience with myself.... and extend it even to others (with their crazy posts, lol). Best always! xx Stephanie

Glad you are doing better. Best of luck always!

It takes a WHILE for your brain to catch up to your weight loss. Here's a site someone told me about - http://www.mybodygallery.com/search.html?height=5+9&weight=160&pant=any&shirt=any&zphoto=Large&rectangle=1&new=1 look up ppl that are your height and weight and it shows real pix of ppl. I am now referred to as "petite" (wth????) and that "skinny girl who works out like a fiend"... how different than what I've been used to for so long. Congrats on your successes and may they only continue! Rock those clothes!!! xx

I love it mama! And love you too! (sorry I haven't been on MFP statusing today, my stinking phone isn't getting service for it in my bldg, grrr... I need MFP at work ppls!!!). Glad you are on there with me! Much love and wishes for continual success! xx oh and group support, I am a former social worker as you know and was never much for it, but did you know that it's one of the top three indicators of WLS success? logging is another one.... just say'n! (i learned it in group lol)

do you track your food? and to lowe1961, how much cardio do you get? (try uping your cardio to 60 mins a day) and make sure you are getting your water in. good luck!

I'm reading your blog now and I sent you a message on MFP. Are you still going to your therapist? Are there any support groups in your area? You are not alone in your feelings. Sweetie, this leak that I'm nursing since f'n March... well, it makes me angry. I certainly miss food and going out to meet people, or trying to (having a leak holds me back more from even trying to get out and meet people). But how to get over the anger is the thing... don't let it destroy the success that you can have if you remain positive and accept change. It's a lot to deal with! Especially whenever there are other things in life going on ... but it's learning how to cope w/o food. We, well ahem, me.. as a food addict, I struggle daily to replace the solace that I found in food. Starting a new job, man, I realized then how much I used food to deal with stress. Then to be on a freaking liquid diet too? Grrrr... I won't lie, it's hard...... BUT it's not insurmountable. I am praying for you JFab.... I am praying you find perspective over the anger.... but more than anything, I believe you can overcome the anger and be a success story, inspiring others to do the same. Best wishes, always. xx

You look marvelous sweetie! I'm glad you have a sis to rely on if needed. Thanks always for sharing!

GIRL! My hubs loves me any which way as long as I'm his. I however don't like the skinny bony arse that I have now. I have to get in the tub to shave right? I just feel better to soak and let the hairs get as close as a shave as possible. Well as I do this, shifting from one cheek to the other, man I feel the difference! lol... More than anything my hubs wanted me healthy and happy. And that's all he cares about. But I can understand the fear. I believe your hubs will love you no matter what. Although that boob job is pretty darn appealing even more so now to me than before... hmmm.... (hey I like them full too! and they are mine!) lol