kmaas21605

Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse.
 
While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from.
 
During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone.
 
Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior.
 
If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that.
 
I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these.
 
Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction.
 
For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them.
 
So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.

I have a serious problem with wanting instant gradification. I think I've always been this way. My mom says patience was never my strong suit. I guess this is way gaining weight was so easy for me. You eat, it taste good, instant grad. Where the calories don't build up to pounds quickly so I don't see the negive consequence so fast.
 
I went into this surgery knowing that the loss would not be instant, however I did believe I would have lost more by this point (only 55 lbs in 10 months). I did well the first little bit, but then it has taken me 4 months to lose 10 lbs. I worry that I've lost all I will lose, a co-worker has told me over and over that with lapband you only lose 50 to 60 % of your excess body weight, and I am right there.
 
With exercise I also find it hard to keep on schedule. Due to my desire for instant gradification I find it difficult to say walk, do the elliptical, lift weights for x length of time because I see no result afterwards. Now, I love cutting my grass (I push mow my .28 acre), working in my flowers, even cleaning my kitchen and house because when I am done I can see a difference- instant grad. I know I need a regular exerecise plan, but I am having a really hard time sticking to one. I can go a month maybe two then I slack off due to other obligations that get in the way. Once I don't do it one day it makes it hard to get back at it. The hubs fusses at me for this, but he does the same thing. At one point we were walking the dogs on the trail behind the house every night, but long hours at work rain, we don't do that now.
 
My eating I think I am doing well with. I am making good choices, eating small portions, and drinking water. I know that limiting my carbs more than I have already done may help me get it down even more, but I worry I wouldn't be able to keep that up long term. I am a meat and potatos girl, always have been.
 
I think basically I need to suck it up, put on my big girl panties, stop wining and do something!!! I find it easier to cut carbs than I think, I had a much easier time letting go of soda than I thought I would. The exercise may still be an issue, but maybe I will be more apt to do it if I get a gym membership- I don't like to waste money.
 
I am in contemplative mode right now, the pity party is over, I am planning now to get over this hump. I want to kick my want power into high geer!!
 
Please any one who want to kick me in the seat of the pants, bring it on. I want to move forward!

Many of you know my story, banded February 2012, reached my goal weight in December 2012 and have been trying to maintain that weight since. Many of you say I’m a success and look to me for advice & guidance.
 
My biggest fear with this journey has been gaining my weight back once I reached my goal. I never feared the surgery or the weight loss; I knew I could do it. But, could I handle maintaining this weight for the rest of my life?
 
Tonight, I failed. I failed myself, I failed my band and I failed my family. I am so disgusted with myself that I want to hide in a corner so no one will know…..
 
But, I must face it and confess.
 
I had purchased a box of chocolate drumstick ice cream cones for my step daughter this weekend. She ate 1; tonight I ate the other 9. YES 9! At 170 calories that is 1, 530 calories in less than 1 hour. One right after the other, big bites shoving them down as fast as I wanted. The band didn’t stop me, in fact it didn't make a sound, let me gobble away a lot of hard work.
 
I write this confession with tears running down my face. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I knew I would f** it up and I did. I can’t even tell you why I ate them. My evening routine was no different than any other night, wasn’t bored or depressed or stressed. I saw the box, opened one knowing darn well I shouldn’t and then the only thing that stopped me was getting to the bottom of the box. I honestly wished to get sick so I would stop.
 
It was complete sabotage. I was trying to failure. I have to face this and stop it. I do not want to gain weight, I do not want to binge eat like this and have this sick feeling.
 
I had to make myself write this blog, I had to face up to it. This is the only way to grow and learn. I am only human doing the best I can. I will put this behind me and move on.

At least for a little while. Went out to breakfast with a friend, ordered off of the menu with no substitutions (scrambled eggs with veggies and feta), enjoyed a nice conversation, took small bites, ate slowly, sipped my coffee a couple of times and when I was no longer hungry piled my plates up and pushed them away. I ate about 2/3 of my eggs, 1/4 of my potatoes and half a slice of dry toast. AND I WAS FINE WITH THAT!
 
Now, that wasn't say that the head hunger voices weren't screaming in the background about wasting food, about how good it tasted, about taking just one more bite. They weren't as loud as they usually are, I just checked and made sure that I wasn't hungry (Satiated), and dismissed them.
 
There is hope...

This rose bush is in front of my house.
 
It stands about 10 feet tall.
 
Love Texas in the spring!!

I have figured out what one of my triggers is that sets me off. Sadly it's my husband, when we have an argument it set me off. And I find the more weight I lose or the more I work out the more he wants to argue over dumb stuff. But I have also realized that I'm doing this for me. For once in my life I'm putting me first. And if he can't handle that then tough titty. Just thought I would vent a little cause I needed to get this off my chest. My morning started off bad. Hope everyone else have a better day.

Have you ever taken a bit of something and as you are chewing it you think “this is way too big of a bit” so you stuff half the bit in your cheek and swallow the other half? And a few seconds later you swallow the half in your cheek… How did that work out for you?
 
It has never worked out successfully for me. Usually within minutes I am at the sink or toilet watching the bits go down the drain… sorry if this is TMI.
 
I hate it when this happens and often it happens when I an overly hungry or the meal is really tasty. That makes it even worse because it ends the meal completely for me.
 
So, I have to remember to take small bits, even when it is really really good and chew them completely, otherwise my yellow rose will reject them and I will not enjoy my meal.
 
Lesson learned; I am not a squirrel!

Ok, the last week has been kinda stressful and I know it's only going to get worse. My job is changing greatly over the next few months and I am having learn a lot of new things and work extra to keep up with my job while I learn a new system. So maybe I am just stressed, but I need to rant for a min......
 
 
WLS is Easy
WTH. I saw someone this weekend who hadn't seen me for a while and told me I looked great. Of course the next thing out of her mouth was how did you lose so much weight? I said that I was really watching what I ate, eating healthier and moving more, and that I had lapband surgery. Her comment was, oh well you are lucky then you can't gain weight. I wanted to expload at that moment.
The thing is with lapband or ANY WLS you can gain weight. Gaining weight is EASY, not losing it. I can gain by eating more than I expend- calorie layden thing (milkshakes, chips, ice cream, cake, ect). I can gain just like anyone else. It really bothers me that people still have this misconception that WLS makes it so much easier. Does it help, YES, does it make it easy HELL NO.
 
BMI vs Size
Ok so here is another thing that is buggin me. My entire life doctors have complained about my weight. I have been over weight since I was 5. Over 200 since middle school (now 190's). Now that I am losing and I have studied info, I congnitivly know that the scale isn't totally accurate when it comes to my health. I have lost 50+ lbs, while my weight is in the 190's I am far smaller than I thought I would be in the 190's. Why, because of my muscle to fat ratio. It is often said that muscle weighs more than fat, not exactly true. A pound of muscle takes up far less room than a pound of fat. A stick of butter and a ball bearing may weigh the same, but that ball bearing is much smaller. So my muscle mass has increased, and my shape has decreased, but the scale isn't moving these days. Yet when I go to the doctors they look at the scale and calculate my BMI and tisk tisk tisk. WTH- Doc please look at the whole pic instead of one fasit. I am a work in progress not a completed project.
 
Fear factor
I will be the first to say that I am scared, paranoid, terrified of gaining weight back. I have tried way to long to lose, now that it has begun I do not want to revert. So yes I am almost obsessive over it. Is this good, not really, but it's me. I look at what I eat, I weigh daily, I move more. Being a scientific person I like to see cause and effect. How does what I put in effect measurment and weight. I chart every thing so I can take it to my doctor.
 
Judgements
Ok, so maybe I am paranoid that people judge me when they aren't, but I think that comes from my years of low self esteem. I often see people state, Oh you are doing what your suppose to so don't worry about the scale, don't weigh it just drives you crazy, don't worry the weight will come off. Yes, I know all the data- about the scale doesn't show the whole picture, that we should keep on doing what we are suppose to when the scales stops and in time weight will come off. But, gee am I the only human on here that while I know this, it still doesn't make me happy that the scale isn't going down.
 
Ok, so maybe I am judging others here, but here it goes.... some people post and make statements on here that make them appear that they are perfect. They are losing, they are doing what the doctor says, they aren't weighing daily- happy, happy, joy, joy. It's like they never get frustrated or impatient ever. I honestly wonder sometimes are they really like that, or are they just putting on a front on this sight. Because while this journey hasn't been the tooth and nail climb that diets have been in the past, it has not been all hunky dory and perfect. So my thought for them is be human, I have flaws I get stressed, and I know you do to, no matter if you want to admit it or not.
 
I think newbies need to know and see the entire picture. Yes, you do what your doc and NUT say. Will this be easy - no. Will you hit plateaus- yes. Will you get frustrated at times- hell yes. Will what works for me work for you- maybe/maybe not.
 
 
Okay so enough of my ranting. If I offended anyone sorry, chalk it up to me having a bee in my bonnett to day and had one straw to many put on my pile.
 
Thanks for letting me rant!!

Plateau finally broke, and I have dropped 5 pounds since my fill on Friday. Last couple of days have been really interesting as I believe I am in the green zone with 4.3 cc in a 10cc band. Well today is different and my body has been hungry most of the day. But I ate my normal dinner, and had my evening treat (Skinny Cow), but I was still hungry. So I pulled a couple of chicken thighs out of the fridge, warmed them up and I am munching on those.
 
The sweet treats are nice, but the protein is what keeps the hunger away for me.

So yesterday morning I started the 45 day exercise challenge put forth by my surgeon's office and the support group I go to.(refer to previous post) I went to the gym and did 15 minutes on the Eliptical, 20 on the bike, and 10 minutes on the treadmill. I was having a hard time going longer than that so I would change machines to have a small break walking to the next one.
 
Last night I was so sore! Every muscle I had hurt and I am not even lifting weights! Not allowed to do that until I am past 6 weeks post op. I was in bed by 9:30 which is almost unheard of for me.
 
This morning I woke up on my own at 6:25. Got up, decided I was wide awake, got dressed. I leaned over the bed to kiss my husband and tell him to have a good day before I left. He was confused. He thought I was hitting on him and he got very surprised when I said I was going to the gym. Poor guy. LOL
 
So today was a new day for me. I enjoyed my workout. I raised my time on the eliptical to 35 minutes and then did a 10 minute cool down on the bike. I wanted to go hike Superstition mountain tomorrow but can't find anyone to go with me. I don't want to go on the trail by myself. So I suppose it will be back to the gym in the morning for a good workout.
 
So I have learned this week that all the stuff I told myself before my surgery was just bullshit excuses. The gym is too far. I can't get up that early. I have too much work to do. The kids take up a lot of time.
 
The gym is a half hour from my house. I now enjoy singing at the top of my lungs on my drive. I own my own business and work from the time I get up to when i go to bed. I now MAKE time for myself because I am worth it and I need the peace of not having to deal with anyone but myself for an hour. Same goes for the kids. We all do better if Mom has some alone time.
 
As for my husband wanting me to hit on him. I am flattered he is taking notice and WANTING me to hit on him. The fact that he was disappointed that I am not is saying a whole lot. It means he is paying attention and that is great.
 
I am very excited to just be able to get out of bed without feeling so damn tired all day. My weight loss has slowed as is normal for this stage. I am now on Month two of post op. I am told it slows down for everyone. Even with it being slow.. I have more energy at 280 this time than I did the last time I weighed 280. Must be something to do with the scale moving backwards instead of forwards.
 
Tomorrow is day 3 of my challenge. It is good to have challenge in life. It makes you feel like you can accomplish anything. So here is to great new beginnings and being healthier in mind and body.

I had my second fill today, the nurse added 1.5 to my 10 cc band bringing my total up to 2.5. Same little ache in the band area after fill, which quickly fades. So, liquids today, mushies tomorrow and solids on Sunday.
 
I have been adding some processed foods back in to try and combat the cravings. Taquitos the other night, and pizza last night. Some things lose their allure when I choose to eat them (taquitos), some things are still trigger foods (pizza), none of them satisfy and curb my hunger like non-processed nourishment. Well, I guess I will just have to sacrifice and eat more ribeyes.

I was banded one year ago today and boy what a year it has been.
 
One year ago I weighed 250 pounds.
 
One year ago I wore a size 22.
 
One year ago I was pre-diabetic.
 
One year ago my blood pressure was out of control high ( I was taking 3 different meds trying to stabilize it).
 
One year ago I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for air.
 
One year ago I hated myself.
 
Today I weigh 171 pounds. (lost 79 pounds)
 
Today I wear size 10.
 
Today my blood sugar is normal.
 
Today my blood pressure is stable with only 1 mild medication.
 
Today I walk up the stairs to the eight floor of my office building.
 
Today I love myself.
 
I achieved this success by following my doctor’s orders, eating a 1200 calorie diet that is high protein (60-70g), and moving everyday one step at a time. Most important with a great support system; my family, friends, doctor, support group and LBT have all supported me every step of the way. I thank and love each and every one of you.
 
Happy first birthday yellow rose!

I find it hard to believe that so many lap band patients do not follow their doctors instructions. You are given post op instructions of liquids and upgrading your diet slowly for a reason. You band is stitched to the stomach and eating before you are supposed to YES CAN BE HARMFUL. When you eat the stomach has to work and churn and move and if you are filling it with food before you are supposed to then you are not giving your surgery sites time to heal. Its not just about your incisions but about the band placement too.
 
Why risk it because you are hungry? Why take matters in to your own hands and eat what you want when you want then down the road you will be the first person complaining the band failed me.
 
Any doctor gives you instructions for your health. Do you not take your routine medications like they were prescribed? Would you not take insulin or high blood pressure medication just because you didnt feel like it? Heck no you wouldn't. So why take a chance with the band? A month out of your life is not going to kill you to be hungry. Just do what you are told to do then you won't have to be asking did I do something to hurt my band.

I can’t exercise at work.
I can park in a parking structure that is a block from my building
I can give the elevators the day off and climb the stairs (my office building has 11 floors, my office is on the 8th floor)
I can go to the bathroom on the 11th floor instead of my floor (& take the stairs, of course)
I can take a break & go for a walk (it’s amazing how refreshing it is to get away from my desk for 10 minutes)
 
I can’t drink that much water in a day.
I can add lemon/lime wedges or crystal light mixes to the water for variety.
I can carry a bottle of water with me everywhere I go.
I can take a drink of water every 5 minutes.
 
I can’t stop snacking.
I can stock my pantry with healthy snacks
I can pre-portion my health snacks.
I can drink 8 ozs of water before having the snack I think I want.
I can go for a walk instead of having the snack I think I want.
 
As long as “I can” I will maintain my weight and I know I CAN!

Well kids.. just got home from work and from a little stop at Wal Mart.. I have been struggling lately with the whole eating thing.. (as if it'd be different now that I've got this band huh? Anywho - as I'm sure everyone else also had some struggles with the Holidays this year... whew.. first holidays with the band.. and wow.. talk about tough!! Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I gained.. boo.. but then again - what was that word? Oh yeah.. Self-control... good lord...not even surgery can give us that!
 
So I am back on the wagon again.. (although truth be told - I've been eating and craving everything in sight!!) of course you all know what happens when we eat what we arent supposed to.. yup.. upchuck city.. so I made the decision that I'm going back to basics.. I have to... so I've pulled out my pre-op menu and am starting once again on that... and then my plan is to slowly reintroduce 'real' food back into my diet.. I think this will help 'remind' me that my stomach isn't what it used to be - and even though I'm eating less - I can not be eating the types of food that I used to..
 
So I stockpiled on my protein powders again, replenished my supply of vitamins and supplements and yes even cleared my kitchen of all those "forbidden" foods... huh.. how did they get back in there in the first place?! I blame the cat... heh heh.. oh wait.. I don't have a cat... Darn.. well far be it for me not to take responsibility... although truth be told.. I hate to take the blame in this case.. ah well yep... its the nature of the beast... time to develop and exercise my self-control.. afterall I got this far didn't I?
 
So I think for today I did fairly well.. aside from the fact that I didn't exercise like I should have.. but alas tomorrow is another day... Lets see how I do this month shall we? Yes.. I'm a bit excited about the prospect... afterall even though these past 10 months since the surgery - I've only lost a total of 50+ lbs.. I did manage to fulfill my short term goal.. get back into wearing high heels.. (granted they're only 2.5 inch heels - but heels nonetheless and I bought my first pair of boots.. Yeah baby.. Huh.. I just realized I don't have a goal for this year.. Hmm... gotta start thinking about that one.. Yep - this year can only get better right?

Well I joined the gym December 17th with my husband. We try to go 3-5 times a week. Just got home and must say the 2 of us have improved our work outs. I can now do the bike for 20 minutes. When I started I was at 10 minutes and level 1 and now up to level 4 or 5. I try other machines for the legs and arms. My husband has been very sick and extremely weak and he is enjoying the gym. He once was a work out nut, like 30 something years ago. My husband almost died 15 months ago and is still not good, he collects SSD at age 61. It sucks. The gym is helping him a lot and making him feel better about himself. We only go for about 1/2 hour right now but at least we are moving
We live in the Boston area and it's around 10 tonight or maybe colder with the wind chill so you have to do in door exercises. They gym is cheap, $10. per month a person. Best $20. we have spent in years!
Enjoy your evening.
Arlene

Over the holidays I learned a lot about myself. One, I can easily fall back in to my old habits. I must stick to MY way of doing things for ME to be succesful.
 
I did very well with things until Christmas day. At my mom's house we had a lot of food and when I say a lot I think we could have feed an army. The breakfast food was left out all morning and I found my self grazing on some of my favs - I had to pull myself away to stop. Lunch was then put out- I did fine eating lunch, but then I ate 2 desserts. By this time I felt like crap and knew I had to stop. I didn't eat for the remainder of that day.
 
Throught out the remainder of my time off we went out with friends several times and I did my best to stick to the healthiest of dishes, but some of those still aren't great.
 
I didn't keep up with my water consumption like I should have and that has had effects.
 
So today I am back at work and back to my normal routine and trying to think back over the last two weeks and learn from mistakes and problems that I had.
 
My weight is up 4 lbs ( however I have not pottied much at all in 5 days). I do not consider this a failure- some times you must slip in order to learn and better prepare yourself for the future. Some of you may read that and think oh your just kidding yourself, but you have to travel this road your way and me mine.
 
That 4 lbs along with other are going to come off, why because I am back on my routine. I will be back on my work out schedule, which my hubby and I do together so it makes it easier. I am back to cooking myself which will help keep me away for resturant pit falls.
 
I refuse to beat myself up over the things I did over my vacation, but I do want to look at them and make plans to avoid some of those pit falls in the future.
 
To those of you who held strong and managed to lose over the holidays I commend and you and if you did this with ease I further commend you, but I know I am not you and I will fall over road blocks from time to time. And when I do fall, I will get up, dust myself off and start going again.
 
You only fail when you quit trying!

Betrayal comes from many aspects of our life. From friends, family, spouses and children. Everytime you are betrayed by people you love it hurts. So why with the band do you betray yourself by eating things you are not supposed to and in the long run feeling guilty and hurt by your decisions.
 
Life isn't always easy and we have enough stress without letting the band stress us more. It's supposed to help us feel better about ourselves not feel miserable.
 
As the new year approaches, stop betraying yourself with the band. Follow your instructions that you were given and even if your weight loss is slow, a pound loss is a loss no matter how you look at it.
 
I betrayed myself for years with tons of food, feeling miserable, feeling overly full and depending on food to get me through rough times. I stil have rough times, but I don't use food as another means to betray myself. I use it to make myself feel good by getting rid of the horrible self image I had when I was almost 300lbs.
 
Sometimes it's not easy dealing with problems without the comfort of food but I have learned to stop letting meaningless things get on my nerves.
 
Happy New Year with a new attitude about band life!

I know winter puts a damper on most when you don't belong to a gym and even if you do who wants to venture out in the cold, but there are ways to exercise and keep yourself motivated during the winter months. I have three walk away the pound cd's. The 1 mile, two mile, and five mile. I do the 1 mile in the morning because it's only 17 minutes and gets your day started, then I do the two mile at night. I also turn on the tv to one of the best music stations and dance the night away. When I was younger I used to go out dancing at least three nights a week and kept my weight down.
 
Take the clothes off your treadmill, stationary bike, or any other equipment you have and use it. Dancing burns a lot of calories. Use your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend and burn some calories.
 
There is no time like the present on this first day of January to get yourself in the exercise mode and get moving. Not only does it relieve stress but it makes you feel invigorated.
 
So who is with me to some good old hard working fun exercise? I am going to start today off with 30 minutes of heart pounding, good feeling, get me motivated for the day EXERCISE. COME AND JOIN ME.

October was an awesome month for me in the weight loss department, I lost 8 lbs. Since the first week in November I have been on a dang gone plateau, and it sucks!!! My weight has bounced since that week between 202.6 and 201.4. My goal had been to hit 199 by Thanksgiving and obviously that didn't happen.
 
I did indulge one day and allowed myself 2000 calories on Thanksgiving day, which was still below the amount I burned that day. Lunch was followed by a nap and then a 4 mile family hike. I totally don't feel guilty about allowing myself that once, as long as it doesn't become habit. Some of you may berate me for that, but we all have to do what works for us.
 
Other than the family hike on Thanksgiving I haven't been exercising per say. I have been working! I get up get into the office by 6:45 work until 3, go home or run errons, then go home clean, do laundry, cook dinner - deal with the creatures (2 dogs, 2 cats). We have stuff going on every weekend that takes us out of town or brings family to our home. When I cook I make my recipes as healthy as possible. I feel like I am going crazy though staying busy all the time. Sunday after my in-laws left I passed out on the couch and took a 3 hour nap, I was exhausted.
 
Is my tiredness playing into the platuea? Is my lack of working out causing? I have no idea what the cause is, but I know it sucks.
 
Tomorrow I return to my doctor for a fill, likely with my head tucked between my knees. When I left last time, my doctor smiled and said I will see you in November and below 200 and I failed!
 
I know that my inches have gone down because my clothes are fitting differently, my 16's are fitting a little looser and my 14's are pefect. But, weight is what is the main measure of success.
 
I know I shouldn't just look at the weight, but it's hard not to. I am so very close to onederland. When I started this journey the thought of getting below 200 was a dream, now that I am so close it almost seem unattainable.
 
Am I meant to always be the fat girl? Is my body against me and refusing to drop the fat? I don't know, but I do know that this plateau is making it very hard to stay motivated.
 
Hopefully, the weight will start to move again soon and in the right direction.

Well it has been two years this weekend since I had lap-band surgery. Official date for surgery was October 27, 2010. All I can say is wow, I have learned so much these past two years and still learn everyday but only hope and pray it all sticks with me for the rest of my life. When I started this journey two years ago, I was morbidly obese and like many of you had struggled for years with the ups and downs of yo-yo dieting. My medical health had started to suffer under the weight of my added poundage and my life expectancy was being greatly affected by my poor choice of diet. I loved food and what is even worse I am an excellent cook and baker and was so scared I could not change. This journey for me has been a very personal journey like I know it is for all of you. I think my biggest fear in the beginning was that I would fail or I would lose some weight but not all the weight. Can anyone identify with those thoughts? I am sure you can. On the outside to people looking in, I look like I have made this journey easy but that is so far from the truth. I fight back the urges of my alter ego daily. What do I mean by that, I have head hunger just like the rest of you but I know if I allow myself that one indulgence that I may not be able to stop. Everyone has those few things that I chose to call their kryptonyte and those are the things that if presented with them you find them the hardest to resist. Mine are potato chips and french fries. Hmmm, wonderful crunchy salty yummy potato chips and wonderful hot salty FF from of yes McDonald's. Today if presented with these two items I would still indulge in their forbidden goodness. I know, I know, I should be stronger right, well I am human and we all have our weaknesses and that is mine. So how do I avoid them, simple don't buy them. If you were to do a sweep of my cupboards and fridge and freezer you would find healthy snacks. Apples, bananas, natural peanut butter, SF syrups, Dark Chocolate (I buy one bar at a time of Chocoluv Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt and it has to last 2 weeks, that is one itty bitty square at a time), healthy pop corn(no added butter) Raw Almonds and protein shakes and bars. May sound boring but I have found these to be my new delights when I want a snack and actually find myself craving my new found healthy snacks. I still have several obsessions with my weight loss journey, I have to record my food intake daily, (MFP) I have to make recipes for any foods I do in combination (I use the recipe builder on MFP, before I indulge in them), I still 2 years out weigh and measure my food, I still eat off a salad plate. (All of these rituals sometimes drive my husband crazy, he even told a Friend this weekend that he was actually jealous of my blogging and all the time I spend on MFP and LBT, I looked at him and said. Seriously, "Would you rather have the old Diane back?" "If not get over it, deal with it, this is my therapy and this is what helps me stay honest and clean with myself." So now you know my other obsession today, my computer time, this new found love for recording food, responding to blogs and forums is my indulgence and helps me stay focused on why I am doing all of this.
 
So if your still reading my long winded ranting, I am sure you are wondering where the pot of gold, the fairy dust, magic wand and words of great wisdom are? Well guess what there are none, there is no magic, there is nothing special about lap band, it will not help you fix your obsessions with food, it will not cure your head hunger and most important it will not stop you from eating. Now it will give you some negative reinforcement if you chose to break the rules and over indulge in bad band behavior. So I guess one word of wisdom is to get your head screwed on right.
 
You see day after day I read on this web site all the comments from fellow bandsters about needing help because they have fallen off the band wagon, they need to refocus, the need to get back on track, they say they cheated, they say they have been banded for days, months, years and still are struggling with losing weight. Honestly all of this makes my heart hurt, , you ask, Why? Because, these people are still waiting for the band to tell them not to eat (RESTRICTION), their still waiting for that wonderful Sweet Spot they told us that would come. That wonderful spot when the band was perfect, and it would help them not feel hunger and take away all the urges for wanting to eat. They told us this would help, they told us this was going to be a tool and this tool would help us not to feel hungry and help control our hunger. Guess what guys, STOP WAITING because that day will never come and if it does it usually only lasts for a few weeks or months and over time we lose fluid in the band, it loosens and you get a fill and you start all over again.
 
So I guess my one small gem of wisdom is learn to control your head hunger and stop waiting on the band to control your eating habits and learn to control the band. The only person who can really help you lose weight is YOU, yes the band is a tool, you can have more fluid put in to it and continue to sit and wait for that wonderful SWEET SPOT or you can take control of your life and learn to control your behavior and relationship with food. The band is not going to fix you, you have to fix you and that my friends takes time and patience. That is where the word cheating comes in, when you fail to fix you, you continue to make the same bad choices and excuses day after day, month after month and wonder why you are not losing weight. It is easy to blame the tool, after all they did tell us this tool would help us to succeed where we had failed with so many other diets and plans. But guess what there is no full proof guarantee with WLS of any kind. There are many people who have the band, the sleeve and full bypass who continue to loss and gain the same weight over and over again just like they did before.
 
So what do I do if the band is not working for me? I suggest you take a good long look at the person in the mirror because honestly she or he are the only persons who can really help you to get to where you want to be. I want to share a poem with you that I find very motivational and have kept a laminated copy of this on my mirror in my bathroom. Any of you that have followed me these past two years have heard me time and time again speak about positive affirmation's and learning to love your self. The key to my success is not my band but me, I have changed. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I don't think the same and I don't feel the same. I have reached my goal weight and on the out side I am thin but on the inside is where I really feel different, I no longer feel like a fat girl. Yes I will continue to work on the emotional me and I will always remember where I once was. After you read the poem below you will understand why I titled this blog, Is it really worth not cheating, because if you fail to lose weight and fail to learn to control your food chooses the only person you are failing is you and honestly haven't you hurt yourself enough!
So if you are still struggling with losing, still waiting on the band to fix you, get some counseling, dig deeper into yourself and find out what makes you tick. You are worth it but you have to know that and really believe it.
 
You see I am not allowing my band to control my journey any longer nor am I allowing the band to dictate what I eat or when. i am in control of me and my behavior, yes i have bad days but the success to those bad days is I do not give in to the behavior because i have to face the 'Lady in the Glass" Enjoy and I wish everyone peace, hope and success on the journey we call "Bandster Living." I am not perfect but a work in progress and taking this one day at a time.
 
 
The Man In The Glass
Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr.

 
 
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
 
For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
 
He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
 
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

I read a post today that irked me, no it pissed me off. This Texas gal was ready to put her boots on and find her gun….. Hunt her some grammar and spelling police.
 
A fellow bandster said they read a thread where bandsters were criticizing the grammar and spelling of other bandster’s posts. It hurt this bandster so bad that she had steered away from LBT. REALLY…….why?????
 
Does it matter if we don’t use complete sentences or if we spell words wrong?????? Those of you who have a problem with bad grammar and spelling please comment and tell me why it’s so important to you. Cause (oh wait I should say because) I don’t get it.
 
We are all fighting a terrible disease called obesity and one of the side effects of this disease is low self-esteem. We don’t need our brothers & sisters pointing out more of our faults….. We do just fine doing that ourselves.
 
You are wondering why this bothers me….. So many times I hit that POST button and watch my written words appear on a thread and think SH** I spelt that wrong or that doesn’t make any sense hope they get my point. We are here for support in our weight loss journey. We consist of all different people, different education levels, different languages, different everything and we need support.
 
What we don’t need is the grammar and spelling police after us!

I'm about three and a half months post-op, and my weight hasn't budged for about three weeks or so. I know plateaus are totally normal, but I feel like over the past week or so I haven't been a good bandster. I know I'm stuck on this plateau, so I've let my eating habits slip and exercise essentially stop. I know, I know, I'm awful!!
 
The thoughts of - - maybe I'm only supposed to lose this much weight; maybe I'm supposed to be a 190 lb girl - came pouring back in. On prior weight loss adventures, my lowest weight was 189. That's where I'm stuck now.
 
So this morning I had a nice little thinking session, and decided that I will NOT accept being 189 lbs. I KNOW I can reach my goal. I KNOW I can be a better bandster. So I'm kicking my butt back into gear.
 
I started today going back to basics - two protein shakes during the day then a healthy dinner. I'm going to get back into walking daily, no excuses.
 
I didn't really "fall off" the wagon, but I was hanging on tightly to the side, fingers slipping. So I'm climbing back on, sitting in the drivers seat, and taking control of this.

I use to have people say, oh I didn't realize it was lunch time. I would be like yeah right, how the heck do you forget lunch. Today I was sitting in my office working and someone walked into my office and ask, aren't you eating lunch. I was like huh, it's to early then I looked at the clock 12:30 - WOW I had no idea it was lunch time.
 
I also use to get annoyed when friends would eat a small salad or an apple and be like man I am so full. I had an apple and natural peanut butter for lunch and geez I am full. I actually really enjoyed my healthy lunch. I can't believe I am already one of those people. While eating one apple slice I didn't chew enough and felt it get caught a bit, no PB'ing or sickness just a little tightness. Wow I have a band and it's working.
 
Yesterday instead of cooking like I would normally do on a rainy day I got on our elliptical and worked out and it felt good. I am enjoying working out- WTH?
 
I am doing it, I am really doing it!!! I lost 2 lbs in the last week --- YEAH Me!! I am finally becoming the person I always wanted to be and the person who I was always jealous of. I know I will have a day again that I am doubting my band, but today I am thrilled with it. I feel like my band is helping me achieve a life long dream.
 
Thanks to all of you out there who inspire me to keep it up - Missy, carolina girl, jean - thanks for the help and for the post that kick me into action. Bansters ROCK!

Just a short note. Who knows when I'll get back to this. I've gained weight since my DH's death. I won't blame anyone else but myself. I had a long talk with my therapist and we finally hit upon the catchphrase that seems to define how I'll lose all this weight-- I CHOOSE.
 
I'm a control freak whose life spiraled out of control the day my poor Randy died. Since then, I've made decisions where I felt there was no other option. For over a year, I had to decide based on bad vs good, not which one suited me. Finally, my therapist (Dr Marty Groble, for those in the Jacksonville area) pointed out that what went into my mouth was one of the few things I had a direct choice in making.
 
Well, my Band-Buds, it was an epiphany. There was my point of control, and I've been reveling in it for a couple of weeks. I've lost five pounds because I can look at the chocolate vs the peach and say "I choose the peach because I choose health." I have chosen to start walking again when possible. I've chosen to begin quilting again rather than sit on my butt playing mindless computer games. I've made so many choices, I'm smiling again.
 
Even the house I had to move into when Randy's death forced me into foreclosure is no longer a point of resentment and negativity. I've chosen to make it work rather than move to something less congenial if prettier. Sure, this is a 2-bedroom house 30 miles from my job. It's in a gorgeous neighborhood with a park, as familiar and comfortable as my favorite pair of blue jeans, and it's cheap. I can have my pets here. An apartment close to my work would cost $200 more a month and we'd have to get rid of our pets.
 
"We??" you ask? Yep, we. That gent who gave me the pearl ring? I chose not to marry him, but we're a happy pair of roommates. I chose him, too.
 
Lena