Cleo's Mom

Like the judge who was asked to define pornography said - "I'll know it when I see it".
Same goes here. I'll know a rude comment when I see it and obviously the person(s) who complain about them do too. People who make them can continue ad infinitum, ad nauseum to try to defend them with all kinds of excuses about using back buttons, staying off here, freedom of speech and blaming the victim.
Notice how no one has to defend nice, helpful, supportive comments? That speaks volumes.

Punctuation is not my priority in telling this story. Nor is my sentence form correct. Read at your own reading risk! LOL
I hardly see anyone notice me anymore. It has become common place for me to walk around now without anyone coming up to me and acting all surprised when they find out who I am. Most people have done their thing and I can move around freely now without a scene. Also I am in a new place/world where I have gathered new friends and so they do not know the history. I will tell if I decide to but not now!
Let me tell you the latest!
My hubby and I were in the supermarket in a huddle going over our receipt. The cashier was the fastest on the register I have ever seen and so I wanted to make sure that she did not double charge me or over charge me or not charge me at all for my items in my cart.
I happened to look up as the bank manager was passing by us. She knew it was my hubby as he stands at 6'3" but she did not recognize the woman beside him. I looked up and saw the look she gave my hubby as she slowly moved past us. Then our eyes locked and she gave me a look that would make any right minded woman feel guilty of being a home wrecker straight away. She then looked away in disgust and began to move her cart forward again.
A few moments passed and she turned to take yet another look. Our eyes locked again. And she stopped dead in her tracks. I knew who she was! She is the person who looked at me like I was a piece of trash when I tried twice to say hello to her at the bank. She would sweep past me and give me a don't bother me look or worse.
Anyway I digress, she said Jane is that you? Jane is that really you? I nodded and she gasped! Look at you she screamed, and your hair, your so beautiful. Oh my god I would have never recognized you....bla bla bla!
I looked at her and said you thought Roy cheated on me and I was the new woman right!? Well yes she said. I said I have tried to talk to you twice at the bank and you were rude to me. Otherwise you would have known it was me and this scene would not be happening here. She laughed and said she did not remember seeing me. She started touching my hair and looking me over closely. I was starting to feel uncomfortable.
My kids used to tell me that she was not nice to them when they got older and started to deal with the bank themselves. I would defend her and say no she is nice, she is just doing her job. But they were right and I was not!
This is what bothered me about the whole thing. She thought that my hubby was the kind that would dump me because I was fluffy, obese, fat whatever word you want to use. She was judging his character to be weak and superficial. You don't stay married for 37 years without some attachment and love for the person your with.
Automatically thinking that he left me because of my shell really pi**es me off. Do people really look at couples and think that if one of them are obese that the mate is looking to end the relationship at some point. Are they so stupid!
Long rant I know.

People vary. I am scheduled for a sleeve in late December and have been taking phentermine for five weeks now, prescribed by my bariatric surgeon. I feel great, and love seeing the scale move in the right direction. I've been asked why I don't forgo surgery and stick with phentermine, as it is doing the job.
But I know it isn't a permanent solution. My brain will find a way a work around to rev up my hunger hormones and fight weight loss. Meanwhile, it keeps the rabid rodents of hunger from gnawing at my insides and invading my mental space! It helps me stick to 1400 calories and gives me energy to exercise.
Almost 20 years ago, I lost 50 lbs while on phen/fen before it was yanked by the FDA for causing heart problems in some users. I was heartbroken, as it was the only thing that kept my hunger in check. However, if I'd continued taking it, it would probably have lost its effectiveness in time, even if my heart had stayed healthy.
Now for a little rant! A lot of the materials given to bariatric patients and "support" provided by paraprofessionals and insurance company "consultants" (I talked to one yesterday who is supposedly an expert) have not caught up to the science. They are still talking about "emotional eating" and assuming obesity is a failure of self-control. This is not only ridiculous but counterproductive. My surgeon is the only one among her bariatric staff that is apparently willing or able to discuss the complex mix of genetics, gut microbes, and obesogenic factors that underly obesity. Imagine a breast cancer patient being forced to walk a gauntlet of people who thought she was morally culpable for her DNA, her toxic mattress, drinking Water, medications, and stress levels before she could get life-saving surgery.
This is not trivial, as our ideas about our obesity are critical to our success after surgery:

http://esciencenews.com/articles/2014/10/23/how.people.view.their.own.weight.influences.bariatric.surgery.success
How do YOU talk to yourself about your obesity? Do you think it makes a difference?

I think anything that increases your risk of GERD could increase your risk of Barrett's and therefore esophageal cancer, even though the risk is small.
My husband (no WLS) had GERD, then Barrett's and was receiving yearly endoscopies. He went from one year of NO dysplasia to esophageal cancer then next. The "wait and see" approach for monitoring the Barrett's didn't work. My husband died 2 years later.
That is why I get so concerned when someone who has Barrett's is considering the sleeve.

While the band is meant to be permanent that doesn't mean it doesn't have a high long term complication rate, which it can. You can read on here about all of those. I think many people with the band get theirs overfilled in an attempt to lose more weight (my surgeon told me this). I think that is where many of the problems begin - plus I don't think a lot of surgeons are very good at fine tuning the fills for the band which can require very, very small amount of Fluid per fill.
All WLS is a crap shoot - you never know how it will affect you positively or negatively until you have it.

I was so clueless when I was starting out and thankfully I never felt judged. There are so many people who really helped me by answering questions that I'm sure they had answered over and over again. I had never been in an on-line forum before and I'm not a very geeky computer user, so I didn't even know how to search the archives or anything like that. I miss some of the old-timers who have moved on and am always grateful to see a post or comment from one of who I consider the old-timers. @@Jim1967 you helped me so much as I was making my way through the process and figuring it all out. You had the link to the Dr. Simpson info in your signature and you'll see I've done the same. Nine times out of ten when I read one of your posts I'd go and peruse his links to get basic protocol into my thinking (it's not about restriction, it's not about restriction). So helpful to me. Also the humor and camaraderie. I really need that as I am private about my weight loss and consider you all here to be my community for that. Thank you all. Whatever the method of surgery, we are all in this together. And a year or two out has not made me an expert on anything, that's for sure, but I can have compassion and enthusiasm for any one who is facing their weight issues and wanting to make a healthy change. Here's to our lives that we've gotten back!

I love your post. I try to ignore the posts where people are "bitchy" to each other or complaining because some "newbie" didn't look for an old "thread" before posting a question. BTY, some of the old threads are six+ pages of responses and sometimes very difficult to find answers. I love your philosophy. I am currently reading the AA book (my son is an alcoholic and doesn't want to change), so I know what you mean about constantly reminding yourself of where you were in order to become and remain the person you want to be. Thank you for the reminder!

Good choice. You should never take on a major risk like this without really understanding it and how you would feel about it. I always tell people the risks are low, but if you have a complication, you have it 100%. It's not for everyone. I would not have had this surgery if I was at or under 200 pounds. I am surprised at people who have a BMI of under 30 and are having WLS of any kind to prevent further weight gain. In my opinion, that is a not a case of benefit outweighing risk.
Good luck to you!

@@Bluesea71
Great post. I hope you enjoyed the cupcake.
@@Nyelaah
Couldn't agree more.

@@Bluesea71
Great post. I hope you enjoyed the cupcake.
@@Nyelaah
Couldn't agree more.

I found myself back in the dating scene about 16 years ago after a divorce. I really wasn't interested in dating all that much but I think I needed validation that I still could be found attractive and worthy of being cared about in spite of the extra weight I was carrying. I actually had lost about 40 pounds and wasn't nearly as heavy as I was when I had my surgery this fall.
I went out with several guys and found out the hard way that in general men have little or no interest in being with someone that they consider to be too heavy. I had one guy that told me that even though he really cared about me and wanted more, he would end it if I got any heavier. Goodbye bozo
Another guy came right out and told me that he "usually doesn't even consider dating women my size", but that if I was interested in dating him I'd do something about my weight. Goodbye bozo #2
I stopped dating all together for about 2 years and pretty much decided I was done with men, then I met my current husband. He was totally different. He made it very clear that no one should judge people for their outside, but rather look to the person inside. He needed to lose 20 or 30 pounds when we met, and together we did manage to lose some weight before we got married 9 years ago. I started having health issues about 4 years ago and got really heavy. When I talked to him about having the surgery he was totally supportive and wanted me healthy more than anything else. Now, my starting to look "good" is a bonus as far as he's concerned.
Life's too short to date jerks. There's already too many women who try to change themselves for some guy. If you've had the surgery hopefully you've done it for yourself and your health. Looking great no matter what your age is the big bonus!!!! I'm 62 and still have some "sexy" left in me!!!

@@Bluesea71
Great post. I hope you enjoyed the cupcake.
@@Nyelaah
Couldn't agree more.

Thank you so much for this! As a newbie I appreciate every single one of every experience vsger. I can't tell you how many times you all made me feel like I CAN do this and that its all going to be alright---Even if there are bumps along the road.
I have learned that there are bumps, successes, and that everyones journey is different BUT that we al have a monster in common OBESITY!
It truly hurts when some folks (they know who they are) bring people down and give them "tough love." I get that it's a blog and you should not take this to heart however, people come here mostly when they are confused or in a bad mental place.
Anyways... Thanks for this post!!!

I typically avoid the posts on this website where people are ranting at each other. I feel like handing out a virtual cupcake to everyone and saying, "can't we all just get along?"
Seriously people, the awesome thing about an online forum is you get to pick and choose what you read and engage in. This is the main reason why I prefer this over attending the support groups at my local barriatric center. I can't control who attends those meetings and then I'm stuck with them for an entire hour.
I sign on to Barriatric Pal daily. Why? Because I know staying connected is one of the best things I can do to insure I am successful in this journey. Time and time again I read posts from people who have strayed from the site, gone off track, gained weight and come back for support. I come on this website and read these posts daily. IT'S MY CHOICE. I will be a year out from surgery on April 16, 2014. Yes, sometimes it is annoying to read the same posts over and over again about stalls, Hair loss, loose skin, food intake and Vitamins. Guess what? One short year ago I was the newbie starting on this journey anxious whether I would succeed or not. I was full of questions and eager to reach out to others as nobody in my "real" world had weight loss surgery.
I work with a lot of people in 12 step recovery programs in my profession. Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA, early on grew frustrated when he reached out to fellow alcoholics to help them, but often those men he tried to help went on to drink. He felt like giving up and one night his wife Lois, reminded him that HE was no longer going out and getting drunk. The act of giving back to others helped maintain his own sobriety. I remind myself of this. I choose to give back and help newbies on this site to help myself. I read your posts and it reminds me of information I learned long ago and "forgot". It helps me stay on track. If a post annoys me, I can choose to ignore it.
I help you to help me.
I'm going to eat a real cupcake now.

@@Luvin_Life125
If this is a new, different or worse pain from what you have experienced before then you might need an MRI to see what is going on. You could have a herniated disk. If so, it can be surgically repaired rather than suffering until it heals on its own.
I have multiple and chronic back issues and when I lost weight with the lap band my back problems not only didn't improve - they got worse. It can happen.
Hope you get the help you need and feel better soon.

This. I'm sure it's always been this way, but I've noticed it as I've gotten older. But the world is filled with men who think every woman in the world must conform to his idea of beauty. They're assholes, plain and simple. I know this because I have many friends who think this way, even though, they themselves are far from perfect. Luckily, I don't have to date any of them. But be warned ladies, they are out there. They don't have a sweet side that no one else knows about. They're not sensitive once you get to know them. When you peel back the layers on an jerk, you just find more jerk. To the OP, your time is much better spent on finding a person who will appreciate who you are now, and the journey you took to get here. So it might be time to fire up that long dormant sense of self confidence and tell him if he has a problem with it, he can hit the bricks. Sorry for posting in the ladies room, I'll see myself out

This is taking off on a tangent, but I want to endorse the call for kindness. There is another bariatric website that I read, but have never posted on because some of the members tend to be judgmental and acerbic. I'm not a timid person, but I don't thrive in situations of conflict. I don't want this website to become like that one and I wince when I feel someone has responded unkindly or sarcastically to a poster who clearly needs information and support. I don't think we need more rules or Internet nannies to read and approve our posts. We all have our own way of expressing ourselves and a right to say what we think in our own style. I just hope that we can all remember that we are here to give and receive support and that the people who feel supported by sarcastic responses are probably in the minority.

People being mean in any way.
· “I made the best decision.”
· “You’re not doing it right.”
· “You should have known this already.”
· “You have to…”
· Etc.

As a cancer survivor (so far) myself I am always happy to hear of someone who is cancer free after treatment. I wish him continued success and good health.

I think this is good advice for anyone having any surgery or medical procedure. You might be surprised at what is in your operative report. I know I was when I got mine and found out my surgeon put in a 4cc band when he told me it was 10cc. I have an accordion folder of all my medical records. If the doctor sees it, so do I.

Every 6 months or so I see a "vent" of this nature. Honestly, it leads me to believe there are times when we all need to step away from our computers and breathe. Let us all focus on getting support when/if we need it. If we feel any type of unnecessary aggression, we need to look within ourselves instead of targeting the nameless, faceless masses here. Use frustration as an impetus to burn off some calories and get on with it.
BTW~I wish Revs would come back. Her rants were always hilarious!
Amy

I suffer from depression. I am "used to it." But it is very scary, especially for our loved ones. The good news is that it will pass (unless you are clinically diagnosed, as I am.) Be supportive, encourage the exercise, and get out in the sun. Gee, I hope you are somewhere with sun! Walk the mall! My son encourages me to walk the mall. He comes with me, then disappears, but calls to encourage me to meet him after one more lap. If it goes on for more than 2-3 weeks, definitely follow-up with your GP and/or the Psychologist that did your evaluation. Antidepresants are not a lifetime commitment. Some people do great on a short 6 month course, and can let them go. Others need longer. But, you do what you have to do.
I know that it is hard to encourage when depression makes him so resistant. Keep loving.

He made a decision about what he enjoys, and he's made the decision to sacrifice certain things to do so. It's not up to me (or us) to say whether or not he's making a bad decision. The fact is, many of us have things in our lives that we could cut out and potentially live happier, healthier lives (or just healthier), whether it's food, caffeine, smoking, alcohol, etc. He's decided that at the moment, he's okay with what he's potentially sacrificing. I'm not going to say he's wrong just because it's not what I would have done.

I survived breast cancer (so far) and was diagnosed 11 months before my husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. So we were both battling cancer at the same time. I took care of him the whole time here at home and was with him when he died. But we raised two beautiful children and I now have 3 beautiful grandchildren that my husband never got to see.