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"When are you going to have babies of your own?"



I never thought I would find that question so offensive. I am guilty of asking such a question when I was younger to my own Sister. I do believe people have no malicious intent when they ask such a question but yet it can come off so offensive. My Wife and I have tried for three years to get pregnant with no luck. We both went through extensive testing and seen numerous specialists. It was determined I was the problem. I was not producing viable sperm. I under went Surgery last February to determine if I had a blockage and to see if they could extract viable samples to be used in conjunction with IVF. They got a little and we had it frozen until such a time we could move forward with the IVF. We were warned by both my Doctor and My Wife's that we should be prepared for back up options such as a donor as they had little to work with. My wife and I decided donor was not something we wanted. If we could not have them biologically then maybe we would consider possible adoption down the road.


My surgery was in February of 2012 and the IVF cycle was in May. Even though we were told the odds were not favorable but yet possible we had very high hopes and less than 24 hours later after the IVF cycle our world came crashing to a halt as we were notified it didn't work. We both cried for two days and I personally took it harder than I expected I ever would. I guess part of it is because even though I did nothing wrong I felt like I failed us both.


Now 8 months later we talk about it less but the memories are fresh. I still blame myself and haven't really moved on. This past weekend we were visiting my Wife's cousin who has 16 month old twins who we simply adore and love to spend time with. My Wife posted the below picture on facebook which lead to a lot of "When are you going to have babies of your own?"



Naturally, it is our own fault for posting the picture but I cannot help but be annoyed. One of the people who asked is an Aunt who does not have kids herself due to medical complications. One would think she would've been more tactful.



Next time you consider asking someone when they are going to have kids take a moment to consider that there maybe more to the story and that it could be a sensitive subject!! I guess this is my payback for asking my Sister and Brother in law many years ago. I am however a proud Uncle of a 22 and 15 year old!


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jim...ingnorant people are just ignorant.

i am so sorry some mindless thinking people posted thoughtless things.

sometimes people just say things that are better left unsaid.

i wish i could take it away and make you feel better.

i love ya.

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I am right there with you Jim. My hubs and I have no problems getting pregnant, but I can't seem to carry past the 10-12 weeks. I have had 3 miscarriages. Each one broke our heart a little more. I decided to have lapband before we try again. We are suppose to try again this summer but I am so freaked the same thing will happen.

People are always asking us about having kids, some times I get so feed up with it. One time I blurted out and said well after losing 3 babies I guess I will have one when my uterus cooperates any more questions. We have had lots of test done, but nothing has given us any answers as to why. So when I tell people my story they always reply with do worry it will happen when the times right- I want to scream at that one to. How the hell do they know my uterus will play nice next time.

People have no tact what so ever. I wish I could make you feel better, but I know I can't. Just know you are not alone in your feelings.

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Jim, My heart breaks for both you & your wife, along with my daughter & son in law. When you descibed getting the news of no success, I understand completely b/c I watch my beautiful daughter & sil go through that same pain. In this case, it is my daughter who is having the problems.She can produce eggs, but they won't stick. They just started their second round of IVF . I'm sure they're terrified and I'm scared b/c I really don't want them to feel that pain again.

When they were first married they did get pregnant once on there own and at 6mths their little girls nursery was all finished, but 2 days before Thanksgiving she was delivered dead. So I hope and pray 3 is the magic number.

I have a hard time understanding why couples that have everything to give a child can't conceive, while unwed mothers with no support can have baby after baby. I don't get it!

My daughters boss after having an argument with her son, came out and told my daughter she should rethink about trying to have a baby.

It takes all kinds!

All I can say is I am so sorry and I hope and pray God will be good to you and your honey.


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Jim, I've never been in your shoes but my heart positively breaks for you.

To the inconsiderate people that would ask personal information such as "when are you going to have kids?" I'd say "I don't know, when are you going to learn not be an inappropriate, nosy idiot?"


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I believe most people aren't malicious when they ask.... but they just don't think it through so the don't realize there might be a back side to the story. Thanks for sharing...it's a good reminder that there may be more to a situation then we know and we should always tread with caution when asking personal questions

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I agree with Floridays in that most people aren't malicious. I think they just blurt things out without thinking things through. No, it doesn't make it right, or any easier for you & your wife.

I appreciate the reminder about being sensitive to some personal questions that, quite frankly, aren't anyone's business.

Wishing you the best!


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Thank you all!! Maddy, I am sorry to hear about your daughter and SIL having such a rough go. I pray it works out for them this time around and the pain is all forgotten with a new gift. It really does bother me that some people can have kids and have no care in the world for them when there are those of us who would give anything to have kids and cannot.

I understand and believe the people who have made these comments absolutely intend no malice. I do my best to brush it off and avoid the topic completely. Occasionally, we forget and do or say something stupid (like post that pic on facebook).

Appreciate all of your support as always!!

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Though a bit tardy with my comment...I want to say that there are so many people who take for granted having the ability to have children, that they are thoughtless when they speak with others.

It's a heartbreaking situation...but perhaps you and your wife should look into alternative paths towards parenthood. When you take steps to realize fruition of a goal, it is much more of an emotionally healthy place to be in, than stuck and feeling helpless.

{{{Hugs to you}}}

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~hugs~ Jim...so sorry to read this..

I was adopted at age 7 by the best Dad in the world..( the mom had lots not to like) but my sister and I loved that man more then any words could ever say...When he was ill and on hospic my sister and I sat talking and I wondered out loud...wow as much as Daddie loves us can you imagine how it would of been if we were his bio children...OMG....now that Im older and have 2 bio children and 5 adopted children...I can see how my Dad couldnt of loved us any more then he did....there isnt a differance in the love between a bio or a adopted child.....and for my Dad adopting my sister and I was one of the best things he ever did he would tell us....and for my hisband and I adopting our children was the best thing we ever did...God Bless you in your journey .....

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Hi Dee, thanks for sharing your experience. We've been having some long conversations regarding adoption and I think we are going to seek out some guidance on it. You're children are very lucky to have such loving parents.

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