Putting my big girl panties on....

New to this blog thing. I'm hoping that this outlet will help me get a control of my life, emotional eating and weight loss. So here we go...

We all have our baggage...I'd say there's at least a 99.9% chance that that is the reason that you and I are here, right? I've been fat all my life. I made a huge leap to change that in 2008 when I had the lap band. For the first time in my life, I was eating healthy, exercising and feeling super great--inside and out. Then in 2009 late in the year...I got something lodged and all my saline was taken out. Ever since then I've never been the same.

I've really been struggling. Balancing work, getting out of an abusive relationship, school, family issues/death, a new relationship, etc. My anxiety and compulsive/emotional eating is at an all time high. My breaking point came last week, when I had an anxiety attack that was triggered by my low self-esteem. My weight and food is on my mind all day, every day. I'm in nursing school and getting married in March 2012, I don't have the space in my life for this and I've gotta fix it.

I've put off and put off going into the doctors due to fear and anxiety...I didn't want to feel judged, or shamed. It's hard to explain. But I've put it off for 60 lbs. I threw out all my fat clothes over a year ago and now my pants are tight. I WON'T BUY FAT CLOTHES; not happening!!!!

So right after I joined this, I got busy at researching my insurance coverage on behavior health to try to help with my emotional eating...I keep hearing that we need to fix why we're eating. Weeeell, get this...they don't cover therapy. Rude! So then...I took a deep breath (I have HUGE anxiety issues) and dialed my doctor's office. His nurse actually answers. I just blurt it out "I'm a patient, I've had my band since 08, fallen off the wagon, gained 60 lbs, I'm very embarrassed and overwhelmed. Can you offer me guidance?" With tears welling up in my eyes, if hear her reply..."Jessica, thanks for calling. We probably need to get you a fill and we just adopted a support service. Call Betty and let her know what's going on then call me back to schedule" so I call her. She's a-ma-zing! I'm crying again after I blurt it out...She tells me to take a deep breath and that we need to get back on track and that I've taken the hardest step. Informed me of the newly formed support group that meets on the 25. Told me to start a food log, shoot for 60g protein, 64 oz water and get a fill. Bought my journal and appointment set for the 20th!!

I'm up late right now. Just finished my studying and usually I'd be snacking but I'm not...I'm on here. and now, off to bed.

Making the Change, being the change.

Jess