In hindsight I find myself thinking about all the time - all of my adult life, all of my teenage years, most of my childhood, I have fought my fat. I have gone out and played harder, ate less, denied minding that I couldn't wear what some of the other kids were wearing (which would actually be true as I entered my high school years). I became strong and fit (for my size) as I also became a f@%k you kid with an attitude and patient yet short fuse... I had feelings but never felt them, I had friends and never cared.
I became a great artist. I am really good at alot of things. I have two degrees and I am on the dean's list going for my third. I am who people come to when something needs fixing - and no one had a clue how desperate I was to fix myself. Only in the last few years do I think my Hubby even knew. My sister knew, and tried to help - and finally understood she could nox fix me. Frustrating for her, horribly frustrating for me - I never wanted my Sister to ever have a bad day - especially if it were my doing.
I could go on and on but I think the main point is that I lived for over 30 years in a state of semi-misery, while being truly happy, successful, and able to extend myself to friends and hobbies and a healthy marriage. I watched my weight fluxuate and I tried harder and sometime not so hard. I avoided all the fad diets - I had educated myself too much and knew what it would do to my muscle mass. Yet I really wanted to try them - you want to believe anything you hear first-person. It's just so easy to say "so-n-so did it".
I can quilt because my Granny taught me - I can sew clothing because I was going to wear what I wanted to wear - so I learned to recreate what I saw in the mall windows. I never let anything get in my way - except I did - or did I?
That is the thing I think I need to come to grips with most - even as I lose the weight now, I am finding slips of thought finding it's way in. I will never know if I could have done it "myself". If I could have unraveled my own Gorgon Knot - but then I did, right? On hell-bent swipe of a sword and I am doing it. Dichotomy! Damn!
Damn...
I was trying to remeber how long it has been since I was in Onderland, and I can say, now that I have thought about it - maybe never in my adult life!
I just kept going further back and going "how about this time?" and I would think and be like "nope". Even in my size 12 I was not in Onderland - but back in my 14/16 days I was crazy muscular - so the muscle kept me from being in onderland then too.
It feels very odd to realize that - and I don't know why. I would think size would matter more to me right now - and it does matter, baggy clothes bought when they fit are always a feel-good, but Onderland is becoming more to me as I approach it than I ever thought it would.
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post yesterday. I am home, and there is still pain. I think it has something to do with one of the laparoscopic holes being stitched too - how would I best describe it? tight? It is drawn up and creates a pucker on the side of my tummy, and I FEEL the stitch pulling against the weight of my stomach. It is a sharp, constant tearing feeling that is very difficult to ignore. It almost prevents me from moving in certain directions.
I have pain meds and after some initial reluctance I did began to take them as often as I was told, and in the full dose, so that dulls it, but if I have to move much I still feel it. I have been walking a lot, and I can’t help but pull it then, so walking is much more of a chore than I thought it would be right now. I would have to say I am disappointed that my doctor did not look at my tummy more before he discharged me, I feel like he would have caught that. I plan to bring it up to him on Monday. He is going to have to resolve it somehow, I can’t walk around letting tissue heal in the wrong areas - as is it would be deforming.
Beyond that it all feels a bit surreal. I have just been focusing on fluids, and walking. I think I have had some head hunger but not too much. No tummy hunger that I can think of.
Sipping fluids as much as possible. Very tired, but I was tired before the surgery too. Not to embarrass the guys, but I started my period the day after my surgery, almost 10 days early. I never vary more than about 24 hours off of my calendar, so I was somewhat surprised. I know it has been a pretty intense period, but the meds have totally taken care of that.
My little sister flew in on the 3rd and we went and bought a juicer - and a Wii or Xbox or something that has interactive games - and followed it up with a TV (sneaky - she knows I don't allow game systems or more than one TV, but I have been talked into it). Normally I don't allow the systems or TV in my house but she made a good point - the games that keep you active can be very fun for groups of people, and it will be a way for my friends and I to keep entertained and active and away from the kitchen.
My sister has to be my biggest advocate, even if she doesn't quite understand how her sister decided to go through with it. She is me, but with a better metabolism, and bigger appetite. She knows the struggles I have had in my life, and we have talked a lot this weekend. I was surprised in some of the things she said. I will touch on it again later, maybe, but she feels very sure that my parents are largely responsible for much of my weight. I don't know if I agree with that - but I will have to look at it long and hard, because I have to resolve all issues, and all bad habits, and embrace the good, and develop better - so much to do! It feels overwhelming.
Friends have been so supportive, and caring, and it has made me so proud and thankful to have the people I have. I am also so happy to have found this forum, and to be able to follow my new found friends and do what I can to be supportive.
It feels surreal, in a way I feel like it hasn't kicked in mentally that I have had the surgery. Numb, indifferent, tingling and electric, excited and joyful, scared and uncertain, second guessing and reaffirming - so many emotions.
To anyone I have not followed up with that I have been talking to personally - please bear with me. This has been more than I anticipated, and I am having a kind of re-evaluation of who I am. The hard-ass that weathers everything seems to have almost disappeared. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be able to be flexible and "feel" my feelings. I want to listen to people more, and I want to be heard. I don't know - I am changing more than I thought I would. I think I want this so bad, that I am literally making myself remove my mask, to shed the parts of me that hid behind a wall of bulk. I want to be the person I think I can be, and oddly enough, it is more than just a smaller, healthier me. Phew! I can't even put it into words.
I guess that is all for now, and it is time to walk again!
1 week out from the surgery. Last visit to my surgeon's office to meet with my Bariatric Dietician, woot, woot, lol. My Hubby came along and asked so many questions, but she did not seem to mind. We went over again what my limitations will be, possible complications, etc. It appears my liver is shrinking, and they were very happy over my BG readings. The night before the surgery I will drop my Metformin tablet, and lower the Victoza shot from 1.8 to .6.
It is creeping up on me! Teh mostly protien diet is sapping some of my strength, but I feel good. I just want this over with!
"Wee Ahnn, ah haf bin tinking - eew shood nawt haf da zurgerhy", my flemmish giant rabbit Cadmiun says to me, as I lay in the floor and pet her and her brother, Antimony.
"ah haf to ehgree", says Antimony "whaaf sumzing haffins doe eew?"
I pat Cadmium on the head, and touch noses with Antimony "I think I will be okay. I have done alot of studying and I have picked a very good doctor"
"i herdz eew whill beh all hurty fer daz" says Cadmium.
"eew whill notz beh aybelz tew pay wif uz!" says Antimony, as he jumps on my back.
"I will be very sore, and it will be awhile before I can crawl around and stuff, but I will be home and I am gong to have Jonathan make me a really comfortable bed on the floor with the air mattress when it is playtime, so I can still pet you." I reassure Cadmium with a good head scratch.
"okays" says Cadmium "gotz strahberrez?"
"yes little one, I have some strawberries".
Our fleeting conversation is done, and we continue to play. I need to remember to be in the moment through all of this. Thank you friends for reminding me to not lose sight of the little things as I take such a big step. I do not want to miss the wonderful things I have now while waiting for surgery, and then waiting ot lose weight.
...perhaps a bit more profound, lol.
I am just feeling like this isn't going to happen. Like something is going to go wrong and all of this will just be wasted. Sooo much emotional energy and effort - and the distraction it has been to my normal activities, all for nothing. I wonder what this is from. I am not this much of a worrier.
I just tell myself that nothing is going to stop it - possibly delay it, but not stop it. I will preservere! Grrrrrrrr! lol...?
Deep breath, all is well, all is well, all is well....
