An Impossible Dichotomy...

In hindsight I find myself thinking about all the time - all of my adult life, all of my teenage years, most of my childhood, I have fought my fat. I have gone out and played harder, ate less, denied minding that I couldn't wear what some of the other kids were wearing (which would actually be true as I entered my high school years). I became strong and fit (for my size) as I also became a f@%k you kid with an attitude and patient yet short fuse... I had feelings but never felt them, I had friends and never cared.

I became a great artist. I am really good at alot of things. I have two degrees and I am on the dean's list going for my third. I am who people come to when something needs fixing - and no one had a clue how desperate I was to fix myself. Only in the last few years do I think my Hubby even knew. My sister knew, and tried to help - and finally understood she could nox fix me. Frustrating for her, horribly frustrating for me - I never wanted my Sister to ever have a bad day - especially if it were my doing.

I could go on and on but I think the main point is that I lived for over 30 years in a state of semi-misery, while being truly happy, successful, and able to extend myself to friends and hobbies and a healthy marriage. I watched my weight fluxuate and I tried harder and sometime not so hard. I avoided all the fad diets - I had educated myself too much and knew what it would do to my muscle mass. Yet I really wanted to try them - you want to believe anything you hear first-person. It's just so easy to say "so-n-so did it".

I can quilt because my Granny taught me - I can sew clothing because I was going to wear what I wanted to wear - so I learned to recreate what I saw in the mall windows. I never let anything get in my way - except I did - or did I?

That is the thing I think I need to come to grips with most - even as I lose the weight now, I am finding slips of thought finding it's way in. I will never know if I could have done it "myself". If I could have unraveled my own Gorgon Knot - but then I did, right? On hell-bent swipe of a sword and I am doing it. Dichotomy! Damn!

Damn...