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things and stuff

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better than it seems

hello, diary. It's been a while since I updated and i'm pretty sure my last few entries were total bummers.   things are going better. i've got a personal trainer (thanks mom 'n dad!) that i see a few times a week and i'm really trying to watch the food.   when i get depressed i eat (dont we all) .. but i have type 2 diabetes, and i go on sugar binges. and when i say binge i mean BINGE. and now that i'm taking some medical-type-classes, i'm scared to death of letting my diabetes get more out of control. every new disease i learn about - i assume i have. and everything related to not taking care of diabetes, has scared the **** out of me. but i'm proud of myself and the way i've been controlling my sugar, the past couple of weeks. working out helps.   i never, never thought i would say this, but... working out has become something i enjoy. it's still difficult to get myself to the gym. maybe because it's been a lifetime of resisting it. maybe because my family's been on my ass about constantly, and that makes me want to smack them all and hide in my room.. maybe it's because i spent a lot of years tipping the scale at around 300 pounds... but going to the gym has helped my depression immensely. even if it's just for while i'm there, at least that's less time i spend going insane with horrible thoughts.   as a result of all of this my weight has finally been moving down some. i'm wearing jeans i havent worn in years and today i finally FINALLY wore a top that i bought 2 years ago and never had the guts to wear because the tire around my stomach was too big. ******* yay.   i'm still crazy depressed a lot of the time. whenever i have time to be, basically. it's 2:14am. i have tomorrow off. i'm trying only to take ambien nights when i have to be up early the next day. i am tired, i tried reading and just laying here but nothing works. even being tired won't help me sleep. so i decided to write.   i've even, basically, stopped smoking pot. a couple of times in the past month or so (which is good for me)... but i'm thinking about getting stoned tonight. the loneliness and depression are kind of getting to me tonight, and pot really helps lift that mental weight. but it's hard not to eat when i'm stoned. and i've been trying to deal with my emotions, instead of medicating with food and drugs. f**k, this is hard. self medicating is a way of life and ... it's just very difficult.   i don't know. i'm rambling... things are going so well, finally.. why am i so depressed and fucked up?   in class we were talking about mental disorders and depression. and she was saying how there's no quick fix for it. it bothers the **** out of me that she is right.   i should throw some pictures up here. a before surgery and a recent one.   in february i weighed 304 pounds.   as of yesterday i weigh 257.   things are going in the right direction.   i miss john so much that sometimes it is hard to breathe. in november it will be 2 years since his death. this should be easier than it is.
jessyM

jessyM

1
 

*****

I'm going to kill my ******* mother. She constantly harasses me about going to the gym. And i mean harasses. She screams and yells and calls me pathetic and freaks the f**k out that I don't go EVERY DAY. She understands nothing. She respects nothing. It makes me want to never exercise just to spite her but that's so wrong. I can't stand this. I've got to get out of this city and get away from my family. I love them but the closeness is driving me insane.   Jesus christ. She knows how depressed and nutty I've been, too. What a ******* moron.   I don't know what to do
jessyM

jessyM

6
 

loony loony loony

ah. diary. i hate how you block out words you consider naughty. i will simply have to be more creative.   i went out to lunch today with a friend. the first meal out with a non-family member. i like this girl a lot and occasionally thought about letting it slip and just telling her i have the band. but i kept catching myself. if she turns out to be a real and true friend then yes. but until then i am sick of bringing it up, anyway.   still having these crazy anxiety attacks.. not as often, but they're there and they fcuk with my being. and i dont know how to attack them, from what angle. sometimes smoking pot helps, but then i just want to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until i die. which hasnt been helping too much these last few days.   i still can't imagine the weight being off. i'm about 265 right now. i gain and lose up to 8 pounds a week, it's insanity. i shouldnt weigh myself every day. it's a terrible habit to get into, and i'm sure most of the people on here would agree with me.   i need to be eating more than lean protein and oatmeal. gotta put veggies and multi-vitamins in. STOP SLACKING.   speaking of slacking. - working out. i was all gung-ho for a while then it lost some(all) steam. but this week my beautiful amazing mother and i are going to a personal trainer together, to get our workout on. i'm glad for this.   i want to build up stamina so that i may stay at the gym longer, and perhaps even know what i'm doing while i'm there. this weight absolutely can not come off fast enough. at the start of this year i was 304. today i'm 264. a few days ago i was 262. i'm a yoyo. but at least i'm getting ******* down with my yoyo self.   it just cant be ALL about the food. this depression comes from sitting inside, alone, all day because i dont feel good enough for... society. going to an all ladies gym can help that. definitely. working out with mum will be fun.   i see all these women on the forums that are married and it fascinates me. my mind is fukced and all but wow. letting someone touch my body at this weight is not even an option. but then it goes beyond that to things way more psychological. like letting someone love me at this weight. just typing it out makes me feel ill. so... obviously i have deep, deep issues.   anyway. was i going somewhere with this? i want this ******* weight off of me. literally and figuratively. i want to get my ass on the ball, eat more veggies and go to the gym at least LEAST twice a week to start. just to start. relax into it.   my blood sugar's been good. other than the past 2 days my eating has been tops.   my dad occasionally mentions the money he spent on me for this surgery and it makes me feel like a complete failure in life. even tho he doesn't mean to make me feel that way or anything. i dont know. someday i would like for my parents to be proud of me.   until then, i'm off into the wild blue yonder.. but not really. it's 1:20am and i am typing this from bed.   i want to meet other girls in my spot. why is that so hard?
jessyM

jessyM

4
 

ramblings of a crazy person...

hi diary land. so. ****. the band's been good. i was stuck in the same 3 pound up and down game for a couple weeks but that seems to be over. thank god.   i've been insanely depressed the past few days.. all day anxiety attacks, constant nausea and unable to stomach food. none of this has to do with my band, in fact the weight loss is really the only saving grace during this period of existence.   i weighed myself today and i'm 267 pounds. it's crazy. i haven't been in the 260's for about 6 years and even then it was fleeting. obviously.   this depression **** feels fully about being extremely lonely. the one person i had a connection with just told me he's in love with someone else and now i feel like i'm just floating. some sort of floating, broken zombie. ew. how pathetic. so let's move on from that....   i want to start seeing a personal trainer. i want this weight to come off as fast as humanly possible. i needed lap-band because i basically need to be choked to get myself to stop eating. it's sad but it is true. food is my oldest and dearest frenemy. it seems hardly possible to break up with it without a support system. and in this case that support system needs to take the form of some b***h that's going to make me sweat. hard.   i don't know. everything is so awful. not everything. this band is a pretty ******* fat (no pun intended) silver lining to my ****-cloud. but sometimes it is nearly impossible to keep those positive thoughts flowing. i dont know why. and i wonder if anyone else has gone through a strange bought of depression after getting banded.   i'm wearing a pair of corduroy pants that i haven't fit into in years. the last time i checked (last year) i felt like if i buttoned the top of them that it would shoot off and knock some kids eye out. now i'm sitting here and they're actually baggy on me. i cant believe i am one of THOSE people, now. i can't believe the band is actually working for me. it seems so impossible. i have been fat my entire life. morbidly obese forever. i still am, obviously... but it's a whole new world.     i still can't see myself as not fat. i worry that i never will. it's not a huge worry. but it seems impossible, doesn't it? to spend your entire life obsessing every day over something and having it be in the forefront of your mind whenever you do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, eat anything... and suddenly there is hope that it can just... not be, anymore. it's just unreal. it's just impossible to think that this will finally work for me, even though it IS working for me. does that make sense? it has to make sense.   i'm going in for a second fill a week from today. i genuinely don't feel much restriction, which is what makes this even more spectacular.   i don't know. what a mind f**k of emotions. how can i be so depressed and shitty and yet so GOOD at the same time?   sometimes i swear i'm manic-depressive. other times i think i am simply repressed and regressed from a lifetime of believing i'm not good enough because i'm not thin enough.   i don't know. ****.   more entries soon. more betterness. more goodness more sanity. seriously, folks, it can only go up from here.   until next time..       what a weird entry, this. it will be better soon. it can only get better.
jessyM

jessyM

1
 

first fill

well, hello... so i had my first fill yesterday, thursday the 9th of june... apparently they'd put 2cc's in me when he strapped that sucker to my stomach back in may, and yesterday she gave me another 1.6 ... so i'm at a total of 3.6 in my 10cc band. drinking water with a needle sticking out of me was a new, fun experience. it seems that a lot of people pass out when this happens? she kept asking me if i was about to hurl or conk out. i'm still on liquids but am living in constant fear that i'll be one of those people that this just doesn't work for. i'll be able to eat and eat and i WILL eat and eat and blah blah.   i'm feeling a bit like a failure, as i gained weight on the mushies and today and yesterday i've been "snacking" on pieces of chocolate. i finally grew a pair of health-balls and gave away the chocolate. f**k this is hard. it's hard getting over these sugar cravings once you cave in and allow yourself the sweets. i've been depriving myself so much with the liquids, then the mushies, then before i got back on normal food i had this fill so it's 2 days of liquids and then 2 days of mushies again.   look at me complain. i'm frustrated with myself, not with this band. frustrated and scared that this wont work, either. but i have to make it work. i just have to because i can't live like this anymore. i can not be 280 pounds and live with myself much longer. my pcos is just running rampant. my hair is so thin on my head but pretty ******* abundant everywhere else. i feel disgusting. i want this journey to start.   tonight i walked for about 40 minutes. up 2 hills that almost killed me. trying to make up for chocolategate and also keep a routine up. before last week i hadn't genuinely exercised in about 2 years and my phone rang just now and i spent about 20 minutes talking and so i've completely forgot where this is going.... i guess that's the end of this lil entry, innit?   have a good nite, banditos.
jessyM

jessyM

1
 

gaining weight on mushies/before my first fill

OK THIS IS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING, NOW... not that it's the food's fault. obviously. BUT STILL. i want the scale to go down not up!   i've gained like 6 lbs in the week that i've been on mushies. flerg. gotta start watching it. for reals. first fill is on thursday.. must use restraint and my brain. stupid brain.   i just came here to vent about the gain... and the fact that every time someone at work looks at me - they look me up and down. to judge if i've gotten smaller. do they really think i dont notice their ******* eyeballs going over me? there are definitely some people i'd rather have not found out. it bothers me that my business office manager/HUMAN RESOURCES lady blabbed it to people. but she's generally pretty cool and so i'm just going to get over it. flah.   i'm afraid i won't lose. it's so hard to stop eating, even when i'm full. i still want to eat because it's good and it's something i've been doing for so long. i want time to go by faster. i am sick of being at the beginning of yet another weight loss "journey"   i'm in a bad mood, today. it will go away. i need to get through work tonight and tomorrow and i'll be feeling better. i need to make it to thursday, and get that fill. i want that dern fill!   anyway. yes. thanks for listening, electronic world.
jessyM

jessyM

2
 

2 week post-op and beyond

so i had my 2 week post op. i havent actually SEEN my surgeon since my two-week pre-op.. which was.. may 3rd. i went to him based on a recommendation and extensive research. but for all i know the anesthesiologist did the actual surgery. apparently i'll see him next week, thursday the 9th for my first fill. i don't like that he has been so... invisible. like he's the great and powerful oz. whatever. i'd rather have him be aloof with a great record than my best buddy but a complete f**k up. because it's obviously one or the other in this wold.   tho i'm feeling good. i even did a walk yesterday, which is huge for me. it took me 36 minutes to make it back home from the start. i'd like to keep up with it and see how well i'm at in a couple of weeks. my calves are killing me. sad. but, yay.. a start.   getting stoned really can't be an option until late at night, after i've had dinner. i have found it to be too confusing, at least right now, nearly three weeks innit. i'm not sure if i should eat a little more lunch or if that's just the head cloud talking. i've decided it's either none more pot, or only after dinner. like a mint! ... and no snacking. that's what chewable vitamin c and water are for. see, i'm getting it down. WORKING THE PROGRAM, as it were.   getting used to the tiny over-chewed bites is a real trip. i randomly forget and take a pre-op bite. you know a giant face stuffing one where i chew 3 times and swallow. yipes. i quickly regret that. not watching tv while i eat seems to helps that. whod'a thunk. i remember as a kid eating at the table... now'a days all of that seems like such a thing of the past. even restaurants have tv's. terrible... but yes. it's difficult to not just stuff food into my face. things taste so good and i want to keep eating and keep eating. even when i feel full. i suppose those are the brain issues. the emotional core problems that the band can only help with so much. hmpf.   the scale seems to be a bit stuck, at the moment. but i suppose the transitioning from less than 400 calories a day in liquids to yummy munchables has something to do with it. i know it does. but it's still sort of a bummer.. i get this band and i'm thinking 0-60 when that's not really it at all. so many things i must keep reminding myself of.   i'm reading a lot about people logging their calories for the day. is this normal in the bandito community? maybe i should start doing that... *lightbulb* right now i'm just enjoying some mushies. not going over-board nearly at all but then since i'm not writing things down, maybe i really dont know. obvious answer is to go out and spend a million dollars on some cute food diary that i really will use this time. honest.   i think that's it for now. excited for this first fill. yes indeedy.
jessyM

jessyM

1
 

the beginning

i somehow managed to delete what i believed to be a great first entry. my idiocy knows no bounds.   so here we go. my "blog" ... i hate that word. so much. so this isn't my blog. this is my diary. and i invite anyone who is interested, to follow my little struggle, my journey, with myself and my weight-loss. the more the merrier.   so lets recap.... i was banded on 5/16/11... two weeks ago today. (which means i officially am in mushy town YES)   i'll be 27 years old when the end of june hits. in january i weighed 304lbs. today i weigh 275. i feel as if i'm in the limbo of lapbanding. i lost some weight with the all liquid diet, i'll likely gain some back as i venture into soft foods... and then i have about another month or so until i get my first fill... that magical first fill that's going to be the real start to this journey.   i grew up in malibu, ca. i was and probably still am just about the heaviest person to ever live in that town. it was hard growing up there, weighing 250lbs in high school. but i suppose that's true anywhere.   the only time i ever remember seeing myself thin was when i was sifting through some old photos some months back, and came upon a picture of me eating a hamburger (of course) in a hotel room. i must have been 4 years old. i'd never before or since seen myself that..... normal looking.   after reading some peoples posts/profiles/tickers on here, i feel that my journey is longer than most. it is a bit disenchanting, to say the least... but then i find that silver lining, that HEY AT LEAST I'M DOING IT, NOW. if not, the number would keep climbing until i literally ate myself to death. because i would do that. because before this surgery that is what i was doing and i knew it. i've got PCOS and type 2 diabetes. food is my drug. food is what numbs me when i need numbing. i eat until my stomach feels like it's going to pop, until it hurts. and when i feel that hurt, i am happy. i waddle to the bathroom, smoke some pot and ready myself for more. food has been my best and oldest friend for as long as i can remember.   i got this surgery because that sick relationship needs to end. and this band... it's the tool that i need to conquer this fucking demon. that and maybe a good psychiatrist.   i'm looking to find other like-minded people. other banditos in the los angeles/ventura county area. anywhere, really. you could live in siberia... i just want to know some people that are going through this. or have gone through this. ideally i would like to have a buddy on this unique journey. another ultra fatty that has somehow let their weight get so out of control that you sometimes think to yourself "what the..."   i had a boyfriend of six years that i could talk to about anything. he was my rock and my BFF that would happily let me stir him from sleep at 3am so i could complain about something completely stupid and unimportant. he died just over a year and a half ago.. and now i am alone. my mom is my best friend and i'm completely lucky to have her. beyond lucky. her goodness is ineffable and knows no bounds... but she could never understand the mindfuck that is my obese insides. bless her lil heart.   i dont know where this entry is going... nowhere, i suppose. i came here to introduce myself... let off some steam... i want to keep this diary up, i want to read back this first entry in six months and feel relief at how far i've come and how much better i feel.   everyone asks my ideal weight... i mumble out something like "150?" but really that isnt true. it isnt even a number. it's a feeling. i want to feel confident. i want to feel happy with myself. i want to feel healthy. i want to feel like exercising. i want to feel like going out in public and not be paranoid all the time that people are staring at me. i want to feel like i can go to a restaurant and not have to worry if my belly will fit in that booth, or have to ask someone "um, do you mind if i push the table closer to you?" i just want to be happy. and for me, it is impossible to be truly happy at such an uncomfortable, unhealthy weight.   anyway. i don't really expect anyone to read this. but i'd be happy if someone does. if my writing here can make someone else feel like they're not the only freak or something... i dont know... it's nice to have a place to vent.   until next time, j
jessyM

jessyM

4
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