first fill

well, hello... so i had my first fill yesterday, thursday the 9th of june... apparently they'd put 2cc's in me when he strapped that sucker to my stomach back in may, and yesterday she gave me another 1.6 ... so i'm at a total of 3.6 in my 10cc band. drinking water with a needle sticking out of me was a new, fun experience. it seems that a lot of people pass out when this happens? she kept asking me if i was about to hurl or conk out. i'm still on liquids but am living in constant fear that i'll be one of those people that this just doesn't work for. i'll be able to eat and eat and i WILL eat and eat and blah blah.

i'm feeling a bit like a failure, as i gained weight on the mushies and today and yesterday i've been "snacking" on pieces of chocolate. i finally grew a pair of health-balls and gave away the chocolate. f**k this is hard. it's hard getting over these sugar cravings once you cave in and allow yourself the sweets. i've been depriving myself so much with the liquids, then the mushies, then before i got back on normal food i had this fill so it's 2 days of liquids and then 2 days of mushies again.

look at me complain. i'm frustrated with myself, not with this band. frustrated and scared that this wont work, either. but i have to make it work. i just have to because i can't live like this anymore. i can not be 280 pounds and live with myself much longer. my pcos is just running rampant. my hair is so thin on my head but pretty ******* abundant everywhere else. i feel disgusting. i want this journey to start.

tonight i walked for about 40 minutes. up 2 hills that almost killed me. trying to make up for chocolategate and also keep a routine up. before last week i hadn't genuinely exercised in about 2 years and my phone rang just now and i spent about 20 minutes talking and so i've completely forgot where this is going.... i guess that's the end of this lil entry, innit?

have a good nite, banditos.