So my hunni is blessed to be naturally thin...less than 5% body fat on him...lucky man he is! But anyway...ever since I told him I was getting this surgery...he has been drinking protein shakes and lifting weights...going to the gym like crazy...and everything! He says he wants a lot more definition...(for what? to accompany the 6 pack he already has?) Whats up with that?? Is he trying to compete with me? The other day we had an argument about me getting the surgery...He tells me I am already beautiful..and that I dont need to change a thing, then he says he thought I was a confident woman..and he may not even want to be with someone who feels as though they need to alter themselves...but the fact that I weight 287lbs means nothing to him!! What is the deal?? We are both 21..and he gets to run around like a regular man his age...but for me..he wants me to stay fat? hmmmmm Can someone please tell me what the hell is this man thinking!!! :thumbup::cursing::cursing:

thank you all...I am going to upload a couple of pictures of my hunni to my profile so you all can see the culprit.

I recently lost 40lbs on my own with sparkpeople.com, and he supported that to the fullest, we went jogging togather, and even got me a membership with the gym where he works. Then I gave up on my weight loss journey in April..and thats when I decided to have the surgery.

There is an array of things that he could be thinking, obviously and I really think he may be scared.

I met him at a party in college 3 years ago and I walked up to him and let him know he was going to be my boyfriend by the end of the week....no surprise that he was my boyfriend by the end of the week. He proposed to me last December and I told him I couldnt make a decision like this until I am finished school and making progress in my life. That way we will be able to grow togather completly. I really love him, and the things that we have been through I know he really loves me also (i.e. moving from NC here to DC knowing no one but me for us to be togather after I left college) I would hate to lose him because he is the first man that truly has loved me, all 324lbs of me when we first met.

Hopefully it will work itself out...

Edited July 1, 200917 yr by pnkpassion

PNK...good luck with your journey. I had agreed with what Jachut said until I read your last post. Have him read on here and talk to him. Tell him He needs to listen to what you have to say. let him know your doing this for yourself, but needs his support. You will both have a better future. Put it like this, ask him if he wants to deal with all the health problems that eventually show up with being obese? because you will eventually get them. Does he want you healthy like him or a dibetic, or heart problems etc.... Let him know you chose healthy! With or without him.

In no way did I mean his actions and words are exceptable, for they are not. I simply was offering another point of view about his possible feelings: feelings he isnt voicing. Do I see he has a problem? Of course, which is why I said she shouldnt stay big for him and that if he didnt like it he could walk....

I really appreciate all of you all comments. It is you all opinions, no one is right or wrong..but I really do appreciate them. Thanks so much

pinkpassion, I visited your profile--wow! You two are gorgeous together! I don't know who's better looking--you or him! And damn! but you make 287 look great--no wonder your guy is getting insecure--he's thinking how amazing you're going to look at 150! Let him know he has nothing to fear (he might also feel a little insecure after you said you'd rather wait on getting engaged) and let him know that you love him and appreciate him for all he's done to support you in all the other areas of your life so far. I'm totally singing a different tune now, I know--But with what you've told us since you're first post, I'd be willing to bet that he'll be there for you through this too. Good luck with your surgery later this month. Looking forward to seeing how everything works out for you. Keep us posted. Also, I really like the quote in your signature.

So my hunni is blessed to be naturally thin...less than 5% body fat on him...lucky man he is! But anyway...ever since I told him I was getting this surgery...he has been drinking Protein shakes and lifting weights...going to the gym like crazy...and everything! He says he wants a lot more definition...(for what? to accompany the 6 pack he already has?) Whats up with that?? Is he trying to compete with me? The other day we had an argument about me getting the surgery...He tells me I am already beautiful..and that I dont need to change a thing, then he says he thought I was a confident woman..and he may not even want to be with someone who feels as though they need to alter themselves...but the fact that I weight 287lbs means nothing to him!! What is the deal?? We are both 21..and he gets to run around like a regular man his age...but for me..he wants me to stay fat? hmmmmm Can someone please tell me what the hell is this man thinking!!! :cursing:

Plain and simple, he is afraid you are going to slim down and leave him. He is afraid other guys will try and take you away. My husband is super supportive of my surgery, has been from day 1. But, every now and then he will say something that makes me think he is just a "little" scared that I am going to change after I lose weight. He tells me since I have been doing the preop diet, he is already noticing subtle changes. But, he's not telling me that I don't need to do this, because he knows this is something that I want and NEED.

Don't stress too much about it. Go with what you want to do for yourself and do it for YOU!! I really, really wish I could have had this option at 21. I just turned 38 on July 1st. So, I envy ya there. ) Good luck hon.

Hey there ladies I sent a few messages a bit ago, but reading this I thought I would give you some thoughts from the "skinny" husband here...

Ok, I LOVE my wife and am VERY VERY supportive about this. But as for a husband its not that fact I dont want her to lose the weight, I want her to happy about her self.

BUT---Here is the one thing that goes through mens or womens minds. "Once you lose the weight and you get all that attention you will start to enjoy it and find something better" It is true....

I have talked to my wife and we have joked, once she loses the weight she will be wearing different clothes to make her self look sexier and (some personal ones for me ) lol

But here is the thing, BOTH have to be ready for this, he just may be scared that once you lose the weight that you will not want him anymore and want someone better.

Now thats just my thoughts some could agree some could not and I dont want to be rude towards anyone. But I will say its going to be great when me and my wife are walking and guys are checking her out...and you know what I will be thinking "Yep thats right she's with me"

Just reasure him that he is the one you love and the one you want that you are doing this for your self and your health...it's all how you explain it to him. The more you do the more he will understand.

Good luck Pnk!

Erick (Enote)

I found this note of relevance on a bariatric surgery web site:

Dramatic weight loss in a patient will affect all interpersonal relationships, but the marital relationship is one of the most significant. In fact, a very high percentage of WLS patients get divorced within the first two years after weight loss surgery. The patient generally becomes more outgoing and socially involved as weight loss progresses - in some cases this creates a crisis in confidence for the spouse, and in other cases the patient desires to leave the marriage. We do not have a solution to this problem, except to strongly encourage patients and their loved ones to consider the upcoming stress before surgery. The marriage appears likely to survive in most cases where the patient was of normal weight at the time of marriage; however, if the marriage is not a strong one, the couple should engage in marriage counseling before the weight loss surgery. Other interpersonal relationships can experience unexpected changes as well. More than one mother or child of a patient has expressed regret over the loss of “the person they knew.”

San Antonio Bariatric Surgery - New Dimensions Weight Loss Surgery - Side Effects

I found this note of relevance on a bariatric surgery web site:

Dramatic weight loss in a patient will affect all interpersonal relationships, but the marital relationship is one of the most significant. In fact, a very high percentage of WLS patients get divorced within the first two years after weight loss surgery. The patient generally becomes more outgoing and socially involved as weight loss progresses - in some cases this creates a crisis in confidence for the spouse, and in other cases the patient desires to leave the marriage. We do not have a solution to this problem, except to strongly encourage patients and their loved ones to consider the upcoming stress before surgery. The marriage appears likely to survive in most cases where the patient was of normal weight at the time of marriage; however, if the marriage is not a strong one, the couple should engage in marriage counseling before the weight loss surgery. Other interpersonal relationships can experience unexpected changes as well. More than one mother or child of a patient has expressed regret over the loss of “the person they knew.”

San Antonio Bariatric Surgery - New Dimensions Weight Loss Surgery - Side Effects

This is just what my point was...well done! Great information...

"The marriage appears likely to survive in most cases where the patient was of normal weight at the time of marriage."

Enote, Very interesting. So...the weight loss is the new "unknown" in the relationship if the relationship was established while one or both partners was overweight. BUT, if the wls patient had originally been thin and while in the relationship gained (or in my case regained--I joke with my husband that I was "thin when I needed to be"!), then returning to a thin weight does not rock the boat with the same emotional intensity because it's not a big unknown. Very interesting. Thanks for posting.

Hi I have a similar experience as you- 1st he tried the "you are beautiful just the way you are" and then he went further and put me down about being a quitter and not trying hard enough to lose it on my own. I basically said to him that I am doing this and you will support me 100% or be out of my life. I stood my ground. He came around and I start liquids today and he is 100% supportive. You will do great...on another note I live in Frederick, MD and am having surgery the day before you- so if you wanna get in contact let me know.

Evie

pinkpassion, I visited your profile--wow! You two are gorgeous together! I don't know who's better looking--you or him! And damn! but you make 287 look great--no wonder your guy is getting insecure--he's thinking how amazing you're going to look at 150! Let him know he has nothing to fear (he might also feel a little insecure after you said you'd rather wait on getting engaged) and let him know that you love him and appreciate him for all he's done to support you in all the other areas of your life so far. I'm totally singing a different tune now, I know--But with what you've told us since you're first post, I'd be willing to bet that he'll be there for you through this too. Good luck with your surgery later this month. Looking forward to seeing how everything works out for you. Keep us posted. Also, I really like the quote in your signature.

Thank you so much...I hope he knows that I do love him. I remeber when I was smaller, age 14 and 15 and I used my "thickness" and being kinda pretty to my advantage. I recieved gifts like cars, shopping sprees, clothes and money..but at the same time I had way more confidence then I do now. I love him, because he loved me, and is very attractive..but I am also stuck in this place also about whats going to happen if I get the look that I use to have and the attention that I use to get when I was younger. I will just pray that me and him has something strong and everlasting..

Hi I have a similar experience as you- 1st he tried the "you are beautiful just the way you are" and then he went further and put me down about being a quitter and not trying hard enough to lose it on my own. I basically said to him that I am doing this and you will support me 100% or be out of my life. I stood my ground. He came around and I start liquids today and he is 100% supportive. You will do great...on another note I live in Frederick, MD and am having surgery the day before you- so if you wanna get in contact let me know.

Evie

Hey Evie...

Oh your so close!! Whos your surgeon? Where are you having your procedure? My hunni is sorta coming around to it also...Im getting nervous as crap about everything that may follow....

It would be nice if you could make him wear a fat suit for a day. Just because you are confident doesn't mean you want to put your life at risk and that is what obesity does. Maybe he is insecure in being able to keep you when your already such a dynamo. I asked my sig other what he thought about it and he said he loves me not my size. I think the only issue would be if he is one of those guys who are only attracted to bigger women which does happen. Sit down and have a conversation with him. But in the end you have to do whats right for you!

Speaking as a man, I don't think men mature till at least 35 :tongue_smilie:. Now, its easy to look at your picture and see why he finds you attractive, but he isn't thinking long term. My wife and I both went through this. I didn't love her any less, and still found her attractive when she was your weight, but now I know I will have her around a lot longer. At our age, that becomes more important. As for your need to alter yourself, that is just what he is doing at the gym.