I have been pondering for a couple weeks now whether or not to post a thread like this but I really need to vent to someone and to get some advice. I'm not exactly sure how to write this post so if it sounds stupid, I truely am sorry.

My husband and I have been married for 6 months and 5 days now but been together for 2 years and 5 days. When we met, I was 32 pounds lighter than I am right now. I guess after we moved in together I quit trying to lose rest of my weight and didn't care. We have 4 children together. 2 from my previous marriage and 2 from his previous marriage.

After alot of talking about it I decided to have the lapband done and was banded on Aug. 18 of this year. Since my surgery I have lost 14 pounds and am pretty happy with that.

This is my problem. My husband (whom I love with every breath I take) is always saying that I am going to end up cheating on him. You have to understand I am 30 and he is 41. That is a 11 year age difference. He has been married twice before and both time, the women cheated on him.

I have told him time and time again, that I love him, I am extremely happy with him, I want nobody else, and that he is everything that I have ever wanted in a man.

He is a very hard worker (most days he works 18 hours out of 24, he is a truck driver). He is a very good provider, he is good with my children and his and treats my as his own, he takes care of me, makes me feel like a queen, and really good in the sack (I know TMI, TMI). I just had to through that last part there in.lol

Can someone please help me to find a way to make him see that I never in a million years would leave him for someone younger or anyone else. He is driving me crazy and I want him to be like he was before I had the surgery. The man that knew I loved him and wanted nobody else.

Girl I dont have any words of wisdom cause Im kinda going through the same thing. My husband thinks I have a thing going on with a guy that lives several states away that I have known for 7 yrs (longer than hubby)

OK, I have two perspectives to share - neither of which are very appealing, and I'm sorry for that ahead of time. One perspective mirrors what I went through several years ago, and one perspective is what my mom went through.

First, I was 18 and he was 21. We spent most of my senior year of HS together, and when I went to college we stayed together. Even though I was living on campus, I was still in the city, so it's not like I moved away. I was a size 20 when I started school, and a size 12 less than 3 months later. I lost a lot of weight that first semester because I had to walk everywhere and I was so busy all the time. Well, he started thinking I was cheating on him because I was so "hot" whereas before I had more weight on me and wasn't as attractive to other guys. He was insecure that he wasn't a college student, and that I'd find some other college student to date and that I'd dump him. I assured him how much I loved him, but to no avail - he still brought up infidelity at every chance. This caused us to fight more and more. Then I found out - he was cheating on me. He'd been cheating on me since the beginning of the semester with someone he worked with. He had been accusing me of cheating on him for 4 months, when all along, he was the guilty one. The moral of this story - Guilty dog barks the loudest.

OK, the perspective I have from my mom's situation is different. My stepdad was extremely insecure because his first wife cheated on him. My mom was the best woman he could ever have asked for. She took in his children into our home because their mother was ill-fit to be their full-time provider. She treated his sons like her own, and they loved her for it. She never once cheated on him, but he always accused her of it, and got extremely jealous over little things. Because he had been cheated on before, it was obvious that he assumed all women were cheaters and that my mom was also a cheater. He never cheated on her, but his insecurity and jealousy ultimately ended their marriage after about 8 years. The moral of this story - If a man has been cheated on by at least one woman he loved, then he will always have that thought in the back of his mind, no matter what you say or do to convince him otherwise.

Now, after all that typing, let me just say that I'm not a doctor, haha. I'm simply relaying two experiences in my life that I think are relevant to your current situation. More than likely, neither of these situations is your situation. I just wanted to give you a few perspectives to look at!

I hope your situation gets better! Remember, even if he's insecure with your weight loss, you are doing this for you and you shouldn't feel bad about it ever. You have to do what's best for you so you can be around for your kids for a very long time.

I have a boyfriend who had the same fear. We have been together for almost 4 years. He knows that i used breathe confidence before even having the surgery. For me to be thin, would destroy our relationship. Well it didn't. I think he actually even understands me more now than he did before. He understand the way i feel about myself and my body. Honestly, I just told him, Babe I want to be happy about myself. i don't want to feel like people are staring at me because I am ugly. I want to have the confidence to be all I can be. You have loved me at my worst and for that I will keep you. I know you love me for me. I just want my outside to match my inside. I mean you guys are married, so you might want to word it a little different. I just told him to have faith and trust in me. Keeping you unhealthy is the way that he is securing himself that you won't leave. Not to say that more people don't want you, but its his insecurity that causes him to be this way. As long as you get him through it until you have the surgery, he will be happy with the way you are reacting to the results. You will be a more happy person in general. Believe me its the best for both of you.

Let me know how he takes it.

By the way, it also depends on you. You may find yourself at a point where you know you were staying with him for the wrong reasons. A lot of heavy people cling to the first person who cares. This is a possibility. I know there were several times growing up had my mom been thin, she would have left my dad. Don't get too excited though. I went through that phase but it was only because I wondered what skinny life was like. I'm cool now and can experience it with my boyfriend. He isn't as bothered by guys hitting on me because he knows my self esteem just wants to be flattered and I am not taking the bait. So it depends on you. If you've had thoughts about leaving him before, than they will just come at you X 10 now. If you haven't you may get second thoughts but see a counselor. This way you can have your thoughts sorted out.

I have been reading some of the posts and I can definately relate to the things that have been said. When I got married 25 years ago, I was slim. Over the years, I picked up weight. About 8 years ago, I eliminated carbs and started walking and lost 45 pounds. For the first time in a long time, I was slim and feelling really good about myself. My DH asked me if I planned on losing any more weight. He said I looked good as I was and did not need to lose another pound. I was good with my weight at that point and he really benefited from my newfound confidence because our love life heated up like we were newlyweds.:rolleyes2: Over the course of several years, I gained back all of the weight I lost plus about 20 more. I knew my husband loved me no matter what, but I was shocked when I asked him how he liked me better and he said slimmer. It really kind of broke my spirit. I remembered how he thought I was getting too slim. Now, due to health concerns and the fact that I am tired of being overweight, I am getting banded. He is already asking me how slim I want to be. He even said, "you're going to get slim and leave me for another man". That could not be farther from the truth. After 25 years, I am not about to start over. My DH is a very attractive man. He is tall and muscular. I have always felt that we didn't match physically because he was so healthy and I was not. I think he is just feeling insecure. I am trying to help him deal with it because next year this time, I will be sizzling hot! :thumbup:

I think that the people we love get so used to us a certain way that they have a hard time handling the change. Don't let his insecurities get you down. Continue to be the same person he fell in love with only with a hot body. Lose the weight for you and let him enjoy the benefits.

K.

banding 09/16/08 (I can hardly wait!)

236/233/155

high/current/goal

WOW! I can't believe he would say that to you. My boyfriend told me he feels like Shallow Hal because when he looks at my before pictures, he doesn't remember me looking like that. They shouldn't see you on the outside like that. He should see you for you. No offense but I would be done if someone said that to me. Thats bull shit! Just like a girl who sits next to me at work. She says her and her husband see each other as exactly what they looked like when they met in high school. Thats true love. No man should ever belittle who you are because of what you look like. Maybe you guys have that kind of relationship but I wouldn't ever want that. My boyfriend has always looked better than I. Before my surgery he gained about 40 pounds. Since my surgery he has lost about 20. Either way, I love the way he looks all the same. Muscles, fat, harry, bald. I have no preference.

Hey Sassymama - One thing that I'd advise is that there's probably nothing you can say to your husband that will change his mind. The infidelity mania he has is his own and he needs to work on it himself - outside reinforcement doesn't seem like it will make a difference (hasn't so far, right?). On one of those non-18-hour days maybe you should talk to him about seeing a counselor to help you guys talk it out? The counselor could help him understand that his going on and on about you becoming unfaithful is not reality, and only happening in his brain. Couldn't hurt, is all I'm saying.

In any case, best of luck, because this will wear you down.

Hollie519, I don't think its a bad thing to have your husband say that he likes you better slim. If I asked that question to my husband he might say that also, but not because of what you are thinking. He will tell you that when I am happy with how I look I have confidence. I stand up for myself and I am not afraid to try new things. I am more outgoing and not so shy. Besides I think most of us would say honestly that they like themselves better when they are slim, not necessarily because we look better but because we feel better.

Sassymama, I understand also. My husband has never come out and said that he is afraid I will cheat on him but he is a little more shall we say protective when another guy looks at me. I just always tell him I love him. He is struggling with his weight and hopes to get lapband soon.

Good Luck, Vikki

You might want to ask your man, "What would it take for him to trust you?" If he can't give you a live-able answer you might suggest that he look internally for the source of his fears. It's his history, etc.

In the mean time you can assure him that he's the light of your life in subtle ways. Calling him your best friend, your rock and give him props for all the good he does.

Sorry he and you are going through all that.

BTW, my partner says she likes me better slimmer and she feels horrible saying it. But I give her some slack, I like me better slimmer.

I'm still the same woman, same heart and same eyes, but I'm more fun. Life is enhanced when not carrying around 131 extra pounds...people are allowed to have perferrences. I don't find her attitude at all negative.

Really if it were all good when we were heavier why in the world would we have undertaken SURGERY to make it better? If I were told "You are just the same as you were before, I see no differences, I don't react to you differently, your changes haven't impacted me at all" I'd be concerned they were living under a rock and not participating in the biggest, best thing I had ever done for myself.

Just sayin.

Not much to add that hasn't already been said, but I agree. The problem is in his head. Don't let it drive you to making it a reality. I think counselling is an excellent idea. A disinterested party who can point out his faulty thinking (he won't believe it coming from you) may be just the thing he needs.

My husband often mentions that he worries I will leave him once I am slim. I don't think he is truly worried, but it makes me feel badly that this is even an issue for him.

My advice is like several others have said. Couples counseling can do wonders. Hubby and I did it pre-wedding. I think we went to 6 sessions, but it was enough to improve life dramatically!

Not much to add that hasn't already been said, but I agree. The problem is in his head. Don't let it drive you to making it a reality. I think counselling is an excellent idea. A disinterested party who can point out his faulty thinking (he won't believe it coming from you) may be just the thing he needs.

I have mentioned several times that he needs to go for counselling and if he went I would even go with him. I've told him that whatever it takes I will help him with it. He doesn't see that he has a problem and doesnt see that it is starting to affect me.

I would never in a million years cheat on him. If I was going to, I would have already. I have had the chance (several times) but my love for him is to strong and I know a good thing when I see it. Of course, I havent told him that I have had the chance. He would totally flip if he knew.

All people need counseling. Look at the world.